Two Parenting Questions Every Mom Googles: Sharing & Screen Time

In this heartfelt episode of The Family of One, I’m joined by my fabulous sister Maureen, my go-to for parenting wisdom and real-life perspective. Together, we unpack two of the most searched questions parents ask:

1 How do I teach my child to share? 

2. How do I manage screen time?

We explore what these questions really mean in everyday life, share our own parenting stories, and offer gentle, practical insights for moms of only children navigating these topics.

Whether you're raising an only child or simply seeking thoughtful parenting support, this episode is full of relatable moments and meaningful takeaways.

Transcript

UNKNOWN: 0:00

Bye.

SPEAKER_00: 0:04

Welcome to the Family of One Child podcast. I'm so excited to introduce As I promise, her name is Maureen and Maureen is the one, if you've been listening and following me for some time, you know that I talk about her a lot. And so she is my sister and I'm going to let her introduce a little bit about herself. I'm sure you have questions. So Maureen, my first question is, how awesome is, how awesome am I? You know the answer to that. Ten out of ten, girl. And that's why she is my real first guest. The last week was Olivia, but as you know, we've just got to take her in little steps because the longer we give her the microphone, the more she will tell my secrets. So I asked Maureen to come because we all know I need help, right, in this podcast. So Maureen, do you want to tell us a little bit about yourself for those who are... I always talk about how awesome you are and all the advice you give me. Oh, thanks, Far. Well, yeah, about me, as Far said, I am the oldest sister out of four sisters. I live in New Zealand. Wellington you may be more familiar with, but the actual city I live in is Upper Hutt. And we have about 51,000 people in our city. And I have my husband and we have a daughter who's 29, only child for us. Yes, so I'm really excited that I'm finally getting to be, you know, you'll get to hear a bit about my story and just listening to Fofora and I just casually chatting like we always do often. So thank you, Fofa. You're welcome. Yeah, you guys, this is what we usually do. And then my family are like, oh my gosh, mum is not going to get off that phone. And you know what? I do not get off my phone. And we'll talk, what, how many hours? Five, depending. It could be one, between one to 12 hours per session. And if you're lucky enough to book appointment with her, you will be paying because... People are like, you're amazing. And I'm like, well, I should show you the person that I'm getting counsel from. So I asked Maureen because a few episodes ago, I had questions. I answered some of like top 10 questions that parents Googled. And I thought, Maureen, most of these questions I really asked you. And then I just shared about it. I think this is what she was saying. And the reason is because Maureen's child, as you said, as she shared, is a lot, she's a lot older. So one of the questions, Maureen, is this one. And I know I have asked you this. How, parents have Googled, these are one of the top 10 questions. How do I teach my child to share? Oh, that's a good question. Now, I'm sure I've asked you about that. Mm, mm, you have. So I can answer that question looking at your child. You know, right from primary school as a toddler, about three, as I recall, so if we start off at three or five, anything under five years old, we started teaching her about how do you share your toys or just the things that are hers. And how does she get to share that with her other family members, her cousins or friends? And what does that look like for her? I suppose if I start off with, first of all, I looked at what it is, how I want to feel as her mum in that process. So in the sharing process, I'm really, at that time, I was really looking at, oh gosh, you know, how will other parents feel and think about her if she doesn't share, you know. So, for example, one of the things that we talked, it was okay for her not to share a toy if she didn't want to share a particular item she owned. And I remember you told me about that. I remember you said, and I asked you why. Yes, and the thing is because if she was given presents that were hers or a gift or just something that she has saved money for, even at the age of five, so it was okay for her to not share and it was okay for her to not offer that to anybody. So in that process, we thought, all right, It's just like us. You know, I have things that I don't share with other people because they exclusively mine, which is okay. So to teach her openly in public or when family are around, if we go somewhere. So we gave her an option. So she would have items or things that she didn't want to share, which was okay. Absolutely, 100% fine. And she selected toys or items or colored pencils, anything else that she would put aside. We would put that to one side, whether you put it in a box or something that she would have in storage. So when friends came around or family came around, she would bring those items out that she didn't mind them using. And that way, and that's down to everything. And that left her feeling really good. And it also left me as a parent, you know, feeling really comfortable in that space. So it's a win-win for everybody, especially the child. Yeah, I think because I know I asked you that question because we had friends over. And then Olivia's like, I don't want to share my toys. And I said, no. And I know I said, you need to share because sharing is caring, aren't you? And then she was crying and then I thought, hold on a minute. You don't have to share everything, maybe one or two. But then when you said it's okay to let her just pick which ones because it's like you said, you don't share everything. Like you don't let people go in your room or you don't share all your stuff or things that you don't want people to touch. And so Olivia's really good with that. But then... When I gave you that, okay, you can pick which ones, at least pick some toys. And then Moran, she would get the toy and she would hit it on her head because depending on the child, she goes, oh, that child might hit someone. So if I hit it on myself, I was like, well, that's just a different level of now you're categorizing it. What can I share? What is it? Is it going to hurt if that child hits someone? And maybe that's another question. And that's what happens and that's what we found with our daughter as well. They actually start to consciously, purposely think about what items or what toys that she would like to share and also looking at what's really good. and what's useful and what wouldn't hurt that child. So if the child was two, if her cousin's two years old, she knew certain things wouldn't be safe, wouldn't be that good. So that's really good that Olivia does that. So it makes them, you start to learn about thinking of other people in a really disciplined way, but they don't know that's a disciplined way. Because we're looking at, What was it that we wanted to teach our daughter by using this process of sharing? And that is because as she gets a little bit older, there will come a time where you need to apply wisdom to what it is you say yes to give and what it is that you will say no or not yet. So this is really building on that character. But you can start really young to do that. And they do. And also with our child, it's also she would have certain items and toys because they're not always toys. It could be pens, colour books, colouring books, chalk, skip rope, you know, jumping rope, little balls. Because she had quite a number of these things because, you know, we were homeschooling her. And so she wouldn't mind. She would set things aside, things that she would just give away. So if a friend or a cousin goes, can I have that? She would be okay to go, okay, you can have it. And out of that relationship and doing it that way, her friends or family would start bringing things that they'd swap. And just organically, they start swapping things over. We are now just experiencing that in the last year. Did we experience it a lot sooner? No, not really. But in the past year, I think maybe when she was seven, it's the swapping now. She's like, it's okay, I'll take things. And I'll take some extra things to swap. But when her friends come, they know exactly what toys not to touch. And it's funny, they'll come in and they'll stand in their room and they're like, and I'm like, why are you guys all standing in the middle? They're like, we know it's not that, it's not that. And I thought, That's me, and I should have put those toys away in the office. But they just know, even though Olivia didn't say, but they're like, we know it's not that. But we can touch everything else here because we know we've been here well enough to know that those horses are not available. Okay. As for parents, because I always like to turn it on myself, how have I grown to share? It depends. If it's like certain people, junk food I will eat before I come to work I will put it somewhere like I think I think I'm pretty good I'm pretty you know I'm pretty good I will share with my husband but you know it's not like we can wear the same tops or anything I mean if I'm juicy but here's the thing with my child her and I should be like the same perfume so I do I am sharing that with her this is that so it's the perfume Right. So I don't know if you, Maureen, as the seasons grow, do you share different things? It depends on the taste too. Right now for her and I, it's a different perfumes. Yeah. Human nature, you know, human nature automatically has us not want to necessarily share what we have. And if this is human nature, because we instinctively, we just want to, especially if it's new. We want to use it first or we want to wear it first or, you know, especially if something's new. So it really comes down to the context of what it is that you're sharing with your child, what it is that, and what are the, you know, what is the sentimental reasons behind that object? Or, yeah, so it's okay that, you know, like we go back, it's okay that I didn't share some things with our child until later. But if it's, say, for example... I don't share my shampoo or conditioner with my child because we have different types of hair and we have different conditions. So for example, I mean, yeah, because I have mine, she has hers. So that's not saying I wouldn't share it, but that's not something we just openly go, you can use it. So there's those stuff that just happen organically. But if you were talking about food, so my family knows. No matter how old you are, the child is or the adult is, it doesn't matter. When I have my food, I like to not share my hamburger and chips with anybody. You know, I don't want anyone to take a sip from my food. pop as you call it. I just want to be able to eat my hamburger, my chips and my soda myself. So what I do and my husband, he'll share, he shared his meal with his daughter all the time, but her mum, no, because that's my burger. So what we do in that space is to make sure if I'm eating a different burger to her, that she's If she asked, can I have a bite of your burger? I'd go, no, because she had an option to buy the same burger. So what she learns is, and she surely knows what it tastes like, but that's also teaching her these boundaries. So what we did when she was really young is that sometimes the father, her dad, would buy the same burger so she could have a taste of everything because it's okay to say no to certain food. Because what we're teaching the lesson is this. For her, when she was really young, is that some choices you make, there will be consequences. We might give you, we might share that particular burger. I'm just using burger. It could be something else to begin with. But next time you get to pick a burger, then you make a different option because your choices have consequences. And it's really light. And I know I'm making really light of it, and possibly Berg is not the biggest choice. But to this day, I don't share all my meal with her, and she's 29. So she knows that. And I know that she can also say no to me. What is it you're wanting to share? Yeah, I'm quite a stigler for not sharing when I don't want to. But so is she, and it's okay. It's okay to be in that space and you make different choices. So if we do, we do. And if we don't, we don't. It's no biggie for us. So now that you've been 29, it really isn't a biggie. There's no fuss. Even when she was a teenager, if she wanted to go, oh, can I wear your top? My answer I remember once is she was a teen. No, you cannot wear your top because she was working part-time. She had a choice. She didn't want to buy her own top. but she was advised by me, then you should need to get your own top. So I say no. And she would say, I remember she'd say, but how come I'm only going to borrow it once? The answer is you had an option to buy it because once you do it, you'll keep doing it. So go buy your own top. You'll thank me later. So that's what she did, but she bought a different color. This is so good. This is really good because I, you know, well, I, I can't talk about that because Olivia's only eight, but those who are listening, you know, they probably, they might have an older child. And so, you know, the teenagers, so they might be going through that. So that's why you're here to talk about that space. I think it's really just, I think what I'm really highlighting for an only child is that it's specific to our childhood. And knowing her personality, knowing her heart in all of this space, and what character lesson and growth and building on we were really doing and building on. Yeah, so that's not to say, you know, to mum I didn't share things or vice versa, but there were clear ties when we don't. And we sit in that space really good. Like, you know, it really wasn't too much of an issue in the learning process. Maureen, as soon as I say it, you're going to be like, how do I manage my child's screen time? Now, I would like to say, and Maureen knows this, that I am amazing at it. I'm better than I was last week. So I would say that she is a high user of the screen time. But We have, look, I mean, what's high, depending, if you compared me to my other friends, their friends only have 30 minutes. That is it. And they don't even take all that. But Olivia, you know, we, 30 hours probably, you know, I can, I'm saying 30 hours, but it is a lot. So I have talked to Maureen about this. She has given me data about this. how to balance it and why and i'm taking it some days are better some days are good but this is what we did maureen so on her tablet and on her computer jeremy actually we have done so good in the past i think during the summer we really got serious about it we put a lock on her screen time so it cannot go on youtube it cannot and she's like mom And you know why we did it? Because we could not as adults say no. How ridiculous is that? We couldn't say no to her because the easiest thing is like, you could just say no. Well, we're still working through that. So what we did, we went to Grog AI and said, how do you help? Just put a lock on it. And there you go. So this morning she woke up and she was like, I can't get on it. No, you cannot. And you have to wait till your student says, your hour that we've set for you is like two hours. Now, some people, that's long, but for us, that's a good start for two hours. I tell you what. So what do you think, Moana? I hear you, and that's really okay because that's a phenomenon that's global with parents and with technology now. That is a challenge many, many, many families and parents have right across cultures. right across the board. So for us, you know, with our daughter growing up and especially in the new technology, I suppose what we needed to decide first is, I mean, it's great technology, but how to use it, you know, and all the appropriateness and trying to figure that out as we're going because we're all in the same boat learning together and our families and our friends, we're all doing it together sort of thing. But, yeah, We did restrict them. So first of all, because it comes down to first phones, you know, the families that will allow your child, only child to have a phone for their reasons. And that's good for them, for us, for us, for our daughter. We didn't let her use, first of all, when she was going to school, she didn't own a phone. Even when she went to high school, which is, you know, our college or high school, she didn't have her own phone. We didn't give her a phone, let her actually own a phone until she was leaving college, which is your high school, and there are reasons behind that. We really restricted her even. And when she did access, there were specific areas of access she could have, and that was to learning games, games that would build on her skills her skills, the reason we're doing it. And sometimes it wasn't, they can be really, you know, fun as well. So we did monitor really, really, really tightly. And we're also mindful about, I grew up in the generation, don't sit too close to the TV, it'll ruin your eyes. Well, we also are aware that you have, you know, your phone, your iPad computer really closely to your children as they're developing and, eyesight and what that can do health-wise. So we monitored that massively closely. I'm trying to think how long she would use the computer if it directly had to do with her education and they were learning tools. But just to browse and go on YouTube and watch all that, no. So we didn't allow her to use it for any one of those reasons. It was directly to do with her education. Do you think it's like an only child thing where, okay, so I used it to entertain her more than, I could say more than my friends, honestly. Like I come home, give it to her, and I'll go to sleep. oh no did I just go to sleep no I just didn't want to talk I was just too tired I know I just gave it to her and we would do it at the dinner table I remember giving it to her at the dinner table and I was sharing that with you and you were like the whole time I was like yeah are you guys talking no we just we're like out not out I didn't even know how to say it more we were just each in our zone she would have a tablet whatever Jeremy's on his and I'm on i'm on mine and we're having dinner quietly but we're not engaging we're looking at the tablet i mean our cell phones she's on it i'm sorry he was tired you know what i mean and i will tell you you're like hey maybe just putting that down just for dinner time and just how about talk about your day and we could talk there'll be another like episode what's a good if you want a conversation you know what kind of But we can talk about that later. But I remember you sharing that. And I was like, what? But I wonder if other mums do that. Yeah. Or is it just depends on, it's not like an only child thing. It's like. It's actually not just an only child thing and that's been shown. You know, it's, I think if we're going back to, because we all have only, you know, one child.

UNKNOWN: 23:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 23:03

It will be for whatever, it's used for a reason too because sometimes every family's different and stress and what you've got to do during the day and so it's used sometimes as a breath that sometimes mum or dad or family just need to take a breath, just need to shh time and just Go onto your iPad or your gadget and just watch whatever and give me some time to download for the day all this time. So often that's used for that, which is actually okay for families. Because in the days we were growing up, it was the TV. In the days my parents were growing up, it was the radio. There's always something families need, like mums need to go to, or if you're the dad staying at home raising your only child, then it's a go-to. So everyone has a go-to. And because it's on your computer or phone, let's just say it's going on the web, And that's okay because it's okay to give that. The way we were looking at it is how then over time can we use this to ensure that it doesn't overcome or take over our human-to-human, face-to-face conversation and being able to just listen to each other long enough. Because, you know, especially if you're a mum working and you've got to go home, do this, or, you know, you've got a family and everyone's fine sometimes for attention. Or, you know, where's this? And so you've got to figure out at a younger age for your only child, you know, because you need your own downtime afterwards. how well can we use the iPad or that iPhone or whatever gadget you're using and making sure it doesn't end up taking too much of the in-person conversation and relationship building. And if we look at, yeah, and you work out the teething, challenges as you go so the more you start to practice it when they're much younger the most likely then you've got you know you can keep building on that at each different stage of their life and it just gets a bit tougher and a bit more challenging when you as they become teens that you want their time and you want them to look at you when they've spent years not And that's not done. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and this is, you know, this is what can happen. Yes, and I remember there'll be days, like, especially because we homeschooled her. There'll be days, I didn't, there'll be times I didn't feel like, I didn't feel like doing anything. I just wanted to go online. and do my own thing. And so, you know, which means I didn't, it's not that I couldn't, but I just had to plan that. And sometimes it was just spontaneous because, you know, I have the responsibility to teach her and do all of this. So it's okay to do it. And I suppose for what I said to you when you and I talked, go back and have a look at what values you're wanting to instill, meaning teach and build on with your child. So when it comes to, for example, dinner time or it comes to breakfast time or lunch, do you allow everybody to be on their phone or their tablet or not? Or when you're in the car? when you're traveling? Do you allow the passengers or do you use that time to actually connect and talk to each other in person? Or is it okay? You know, you find the everyday ways you live your life and how do you fit it in without making it too much work? Because we all don't want to do something that creates too much work. So you just, you know, I just weaved it in. Weaved it in the natural. So if we're in the car, that was one of the things we did. You know, she doesn't get to go on, you know, look at her eye, her pad at the time. She talks to me. No-go zone, using it in the car. And it was a no-go zone, what we call a no-go zone at the dinner table or lunch table, breakfast table. for example, and that was something we could teach you from a young age and something you instill. But it also meant, as her parents, we had to live the example. Oh, that's so true. That's the hardest. I didn't go, oh, phone off. Okay, you know. And we weren't taking calls because you turn your phone off and if we had to do calls or working, Then we had to rearrange the dinner time. We had to step up to that. And I'm not saying we got it right all the time either. But we're still working on that. That's what I love. It's real. It's real life. In some ways, we're getting better, honestly. We are getting better. But you know why? Because... That's just the way it is. We want to model. We really want to model her by being the example that we asked her because she's got to see in us. Otherwise, we'll be like, she'll just know whatever, mum and dad. In other words, we're an awesome parents. We have a family to bed as well, Adam. Oh, yeah. So if we're looking at up to the age of eight or, you know, up to that age, then or even if you say up to the age of 12 before preteen, we'll go there. So we didn't let her go online. And even if it was to look at a children's program on the phone or on the tablet, because we didn't have an iPad then, then she wasn't allowed to. So there was a time we didn't give it to her. So if she was going to bed an hour, you can watch half an hour of that whatever program it was that she enjoyed watching, then it'll be at least before an hour going to bed because we didn't want to overstimulate it again. Sometimes what I found during the day and what we do, do you remember before? Those days was tape cassettes. I would put on tape cassettes, start playing music when I was carrying her. So at night, many times I would play music. So she got used to the music. A lot of it was classical, which she doesn't listen to now. Or as she got a little bit older, listening to motivational speakers. Yeah, those were awesome. They were awesome. And that would just stop all that overstimulation, especially if she's hyper from being with her cousins and playing, trying to get ready for bed. And she's still really at it, and that's good. We talk about it, but now I just want her to settle down. So sometimes time to go to bed and she still wants to be up late sometimes. Sometimes I'll put the music on and it would put her to sleep like that. Time to go to bed. And that would just rest her brain because the frequency of the music would slow her thinking too. because it's all about the frequency of the music, but that's another conversation. You find what works for you and your child because it's also to be usable and friendly user for yourself. Who's the person going to be doing it, looking after that space? So it's really important, like for me, that it worked for me and I was okay with using that particular technique or way Because if it's good with me and it worked, then I know it would really work with her. The message I'm really wanting to share with your listeners is this. Gosh, do you make mistakes? Absolutely. And things work, and they do. You'll find your flow. If you haven't in certain areas, you can. For us, it was a lot of trial and error before we found what works for us in this space. of like sharing and time on, early time online and the appropriateness. We needed to keep going back to remind us what value and character are we wanting to, you know, to instill in her and to build on. And that, so that keeps us grounded. And when you make a mistake, that's okay. Shake it off. Get with, like I did with Fawa. And a lot of it raises within yourself. It did with me. You know, like Forza already said, man, you know, you question everything about as you're raising your only child because you're all of the best, the best of the best. You really do. You're after excellence. But I wanted to do it like my husband, in a way that, that built in, built on her spirit and everything else that comes with brain flushing, my own thoughts, my own ways that I thought. So it was learning ways that just because it worked for me didn't necessarily mean it was for her. So it was finding ways that I could connect to her in the longer term because she's uniquely her. Thank you. That is so good. You know, oh my gosh. You're listening. Maureen's going to come back each week. Every week. Every week you're going to hear her until she moves on. And even then we will hunt her down and say, hey, keep your speaker. Because we haven't even finished. We just got the two nuggets, golden nuggets. I don't know what Maureen, what we call them. Maureen, I don't know. All I know is I always call her. But she's such an encourager. I just want to say thank you to Maureen for being an awesome guest on my podcast, The Family of One Child. And I know that I always enjoy when we get to talk. And so that is just a snippet. And I do say snippet of our conversation because each week is she hopefully is able to come back each week that we can talk about different topics because I just felt like we just got started and started and the conversations. So tune in. when she comes on and also tune in continue to tune in when I'm on as well so I just want to say thank you to you for listening and to supporting this podcast and also once again send me an email at joyfulgathersco at hotmail.com or you can send me a text just click on the link and to what you're listening my details are there send me a question let me know that you like this give it a thumbs up that would be great and also I always do this who listens to the last episode so we had someone from the United States Berlin Connecticut that is Berlin Connecticut from United States thank you so if you're just tuning in now and I'm not out And I didn't give you a shout out. Let me know such exciting news. My book about, and I talked about this a few episodes ago, about having conversations about the period. And I created a book, a gentle way of introducing that topic. It's like an icebreaker. It's called the Mom and Daughter Icebreaker Series. And so my first book is the period. And so I'm going to be talking more about that after each episode. if you would like more information then it's on my description after each episode you can just fill it out send me your email I'll send you more information about that so you could be on the waiting list when that book is released so I just want to say thank you again for listening to my podcast the family of one thank you to Maureen for being a awesome guest speaker and also this is your friend for remember you are doing the best you can with the time that's given with the resources that you have take time to make sure that you get to do what you like to do whether if it's just me taking a nap sometimes you like maybe want to go for a walk but even if you just want to go for a bike ride whatever sometimes it's I feel it's good to take time out for yourself I just wanted to continue to encourage you that you are doing the best you you can with the time that's given with the resources you have you are amazing you are amazing mom for your child you're amazing wife for your husband and you are doing great okay take care and we will meet in the next episode bye