One and Done Parenting: My Story & Moms’ Perspectives

In this episode of The Family of One Child, I share our personal journey of choosing to be “one and done.” 
I also read comments from other moms, some that resonate with me, and others that offer a different lens. Together, I explore the joys, the worries, and the cultural pressure that often surrounds this choice.
This episode is about honoring your own path, tuning out judgment, and celebrating the fullness of raising one child with your whole heart.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:04

Hey amazing only child moms, I'm Paul Comic, your part-time working mom friend who loves Yahweh family and fun. Welcome to the Family of One where we share joys and adventures of raising an only child. Expect relatable stories, parenting laughs, and faithful tips. Let's make small family life enjoyable. Woohoo! Hi and welcome to the family of one. This is your friend Four. Yes, we are friends if you are listening to this podcast. So today's topic I wanted to share about just having one child. You may have heard it one and done, good with one. What does my husband say? Have one, just the perfect one, why ruin it? I think he said something like that. But I wanted to share a story with you, and I don't know if I have in the other podcast, maybe I'd mention it in the other episodes, why we chose to have one. Well, I am now going on 49. And so I remembered when I maybe when I was young and like in my elementary or years, or maybe even when I was in middle school. But see, I'm from a family, a large family, and so I had I'm the youngest of four. No, wait, hold on. I'm the youngest of five. So I have one brother and four other sisters. And we I'm an islander, someone, so we have lots of cousins, lots of first and second and third cousin. I mean, we my family, both my father and mom, have you know siblings, and then they have children. So I'm from a large family, and I just always was surrounded by you know cousins and aunties and uncles who had multiple children. So growing up, having one child, it wasn't until I my siblings, my brother, oldest brother, he has one child, and I have a sister, the second oldest, she has one child. Then I realized, oh, you just you can't just have one and be great with it. And so, but I thought, man, after watching sound of music, you know, fluoride Maria, did I just call her fluoride? Oh my goodness, back me up. Okay, so Maria, yes, the sound of music. I absolutely dreamed about oh, I would love to have my bond trap children singing songs, you know, going around and and uh just doing all that fun stuff, but then as and I remember going through was that pre-marriage counseling, and if you're wondering what is pre-marriage counseling, it's the part where you would go and see someone who's a lot further ahead. Usually it would be a pastor at your church or someone who has been married for many years in your church or even in a community that you may go to, it could be an uncle or an auntie, someone who's been years who have been married for many, many years, and who have fruit on the tree, meaning they still love each other and then and they're known to have like wise advice. I'm not saying that they're perfect, their marriage is perfect, I'm just saying they have a solid foundation, something that you would like to have, and so and they've probably counseled quite a few young couples, and so pre-marriage counseling they help you go through a lot of topics and they help you discuss many things like finance, children, your expectations, and that way it helps you before you get married. You have sat down with your loved one and you get to discuss these topics, maybe in the things that you haven't already discussed about things that you don't know that you thought you know, and this couple, or this the things that you go through, depending there's so many different types of pre-marriage counsel that you do, but it gives you it helps you to be aware of the other person's expectations, and there's so many different topics you go through and discuss about that. Well, I I remember one of this couple's question, and I said to her, Oh my goodness, I just want seven children, and maybe I got that from the sound of music, or I got that from another movie that I watched, and she said the most loveliest thing to me because in my mind I thought it's always got to be five or more, I just want so many kids, and she said, Well, that is great, you know. And she was a grandma, and she had she had children and she had grandchildren, and she said to me, For um, how about you just have the one first when you have a child? How about you just have the one start with that and see how it goes? And I thought to myself, How dare she? How dare she tell me just to start with one? Like, I cannot handle more than one. But then I realized and I thought, you know what? I was so determined to have like a bus load of full of children that maybe just having one is a good idea and just see how I go. Well, when we got mad, my husband and I, we tried, and my husband was totally different. He did not want to have seven kids, he didn't even want to have five or three, he just wanted one. If we were gonna have children, he said he would like to have children, but he would be happy, absolutely happy with one. And I thought, oh my goodness, okay, fine, maybe one he'll change his mind. So, as we were trying to have a family, it took us many years, and it took us about 10 years to conceive, and we had to have help, we had to have an IUI. But here's the thing: I we started when I was I got pregnant at 40. That was a lot of help. So I got married at 30, and we had Olivia at 40, so that was a long time, and so when I had her, and thank goodness everything turned out fine. I realized this is my one, and I'm done because it took us so long to have her. And my husband, he was thrilled because he got his baby girl. Uh, he's like, I wanted a girl, and I just wanted a healthy baby, and so that was the reason why we ended up having one. It took us so long, we needed so much help, and so I thought, you know, I'll just focus on the one. And some other people, I guess because people, my friends and family knew of our struggle during those years of trying to have a have a child, and my personal challenges of emotionally, mentally, of trying to have a child, it was such a challenge, like a challenge, and I guess for those who have been on this challenge, trying to conceive whether if it's like you're trying to you know get pregnant after a year or two years or three years, or you've had multiple miscarriages. I've never had a miscarriage, but for those who have been on this journey and know that for some others it's easy for them, and I I shouldn't say easy, but they are able to get pregnant a lot quicker. I mean, I had a sibling like that, and she was able to, and I thought, boy, the way she keeps going, I might as well just ask her, may I have one of yours? I think I did at one point. But for me, it wasn't the case, it took many, many years, uh year after year. So we finally had it after 10 years, and I think because people walk in, close friends and family walk that journey with me, I did not have anyone else say, 'Are you gonna have another one?' Because I think my personality, if someone said, 'Are you gonna have another one?' I depending on the day, if they I might have just bit back really hard. I would have just said, Are you kidding me? Or I would have just said something like, Go away, but maybe not in the kindness way. Or I would have had a friend say, you know, that is not a good top, that is not something kind you should say to her for because she is struggling. So asking her if she's gonna have another one straight away is not a good time. But I don't think anyone asked me, Are you gonna have one more than one? I think because I already shared with them, I wanted so many, and then just having the one for me and my middle and my struggles to just have her, I was just so happy and wrapped up in that dream. Like, yeah, and we didn't want to adopt. I mean, okay, so I did want to adopt now that I think about it. I had my adoption papers, I had one, I was carrying, I looked at different agencies, and I had this is where the story goes. So I had if if the IUI didn't work out, I was going to either adopt a child. I had started the like filling out the forms, at least that part, one from India, and then one from I don't know, it was like another European country. So it was one from India and one from European country. And the countries that I picked, it wasn't like something simple. Yeah, there was always a two-year wait that you had to go through. Now I don't know if it's that normal, but even to get on the list and be considered with the particular organizations I went with, you think I could just pick, and we did go local. I mean, I tried some local organizations. Um I called and I left messages to even start fostering to look at it to start training um courses, but they never called me back, and then I emailed. I mean, I was like, goodness gracious me. It was like just someone replied back, call me so after multiple times, and and then just getting the scheduling. So, in a nutshell, once we went through this, and then going through the route of you know, the IUI, that is different too. That's uh and the closest clinic I think was like a few hours away, maybe I think it was three hours away. Yeah, so those who have been on this similar journey to have one child, it is a lot, and so I mean, other moms. I'm just reading some comments. They said, What could be more selfish than giving your all to one child? That's what mom said, and another one said, People tell me I'm selfish, but I know this choice is thoughtful. And another one has mentioned I couldn't face another round of postnatal depression. Stopping at one protects me from my mental health. I mean, hello. I okay, so here it is with my mental health and I'm pre-menopausing. Let's just say I am doing my best with the time I have, with the resources that's given to me to try and not to go crazy around the house. But if you ask my husband and daughter, they would say, No, mom, you do go crazy, so you need to go and have a nap. I tell you what, I take my vitamins and I'm doing the best I can. And then another mom said, My in-laws keep saying, An only child is a lonely child, it hurts, but I know what's best for us. Now, oh my goodness, what is going on with my with the in-laws that saying to this mom, an only child is a lonely child. I remember, you know, these two friends, and you know, people just say the silliest things. They said, Oh, I don't want a a child even having it late because then I want to, you know, that child will be alone when you die. Well, excuse me. Like, I have I know of family members who are closer in age and they have multiple children, and neither one of them are close. Like, neither one of those siblings are close to each other. So my perspective is if because I only have one child, it's my responsibility to build the community around her and for her until she is able to build her own community, expand that. Because, you know, me that has a that's always learned about community. I mean, what does that even mean? For example, growing up in Salmon community, you know, for me, it wasn't only being part of the community, but it's also serving how you contribute to it, contribute to the community. And it doesn't mean like financial, it could be like your time, it could be like encouragement, it could be like participation, all those things in the community, it takes two ways. You what you give, you give out as well, and it looks different for everybody. So when someone said to me, when that person said, Well, you know, I don't want to have my child at like late 40s because I'm glad I had it 20s. Well, hello, some people just didn't have an opportunity to have that, and I wasn't dating in my early oh, what was I dating? Well, I'm just saying you can't have a child, you know, if no one wants to date you, and you want to have a natural, you know, you want to have it with another human being, if you know what I mean. So I don't know what am I saying? Oh, some people are silly, and then um, but before I go on any any further, I do want to I do want to say this for those who have been listening to my podcast, I absolutely appreciate you both a lot, and I say you both because I have two listeners who listened to the last episode. Now, this two lovely listeners, one is from Simsbury, Connecticut. Thank you very much. I hope you are doing wonderful, and you had a really good Thanksgiving. It was Thanksgiving Day in America yesterday. That was the actually, yeah. No, it was Thursday. Today's Saturday, it was on the 27th of Thursday. That was our Thanksgiving. So happy Thanksgiving to you. And the next one is from North Carolina. Is that Fayetteville? Oh my goodness, I apologize, I botched it up, but thank you for listening. And usually I give a shout out in the end, but now I'm gonna start giving a shout out just in the middle, and what I usually do is I just want to say thank you to my listeners. And so, if you're listening to this and I manage to get to your stat, your stats come up because the results come up in my podcast and the buzz sprout. When I have a look at my app who's listened to my podcast, I give a shout out then and I can see it. But if you just listened to my last podcast and I didn't give you a shout-out, I apologize, it didn't come up, it didn't show me where when you listened to it, or maybe you listen to it after I post this. So thank you very much to the two listeners, and I wanted to talk about as well. Okay, so what's the positive? Some of the moms for me now, you know, having an only child being at 49, the positive is for me, is I have enough energy for her. Now, people say some other friends they say, Boy, you have a lot of energy, and I thought I did, but my energy just wraps up in this child. I mean, she is a go, I go, what do you call it? A go-getter. She is like a bunny that goes, goes, goes, and has so much energy, and maybe because of the age difference, right? But I mean, yes, if I had multiple children, sure, I'm sure I would. I would just you just do what you gotta do. But right now, for me, we don't have any more, we will not have any more, we're not thinking of, we do not want to foster, know, or adopt, other than we just like to sponsor some children. We have children who we sponsor, but that's another story altogether. So one mom said, My daughter thanks me regularly because we can give her more without stretching ourselves thin. And when I think about my father and how he he my mom and dad did the best they could with the time that was given, with the resources they have. I mean, my dad came to all my games, I played netball. Now, for those who are wondering, what is netball? Netball is like basketball, but you don't dribble it. And you have is it seven players? I haven't played for a long time. I don't know how many players you have for basketball, but it's seven players. You just don't dribble the ball, you pass it, and then you have a goal person who goal shooter and goal attack, and then they're the ones who can throw in the the ball. But yeah, I play netball, and my father would come to all my games. Now I have friends who have multiple children, and then they say, because Olivia she does equestrian, and you know, she has trainers, and then she goes to the barn and it's an hour away from where we live, so it's a lot of commitment. Then I work part-time, so I'm able to do that. My schedule is more flexible because you know, we just have the one, as you already know about that. You're listening to go, oh yeah. So I like that that I'm able to be present and able to end all her appointments because I make that work, and I'm sure other mums do maybe with multiple children. All I know is my friends with multiple children, they said it's just they can't make it to everybody's events all the time, having multiple children. You know, they split it between her, I mean, with them and their husband. With me and my husband, we don't need to, we just we can both attend because we just have the one child. And then this one here, another mum said, Every oh, I get to be more present, more of my time, more of my attention. Now, I would like to think that when my dad, you know, having multiple children, when he was watching my game, he was present. And I don't know, may maybe I can't relate, but from I guess this one, this mom is saying for her being maybe because she had friends, I don't know, multiple children, and she couldn't think about it. I don't know why am I talking about that one. I don't know. Maybe I'll go to the next one. Oh, this one here, no sibling fights, easier mornings, easier evenings, life feels lighter. This is what this mom said. Why she that's the positive side of having an only child. Me, how can I relate to that? No sibling fights, easier mornings, easier evenings, life feels lighter. You know, she sounds like her mornings are awesome. This mom with an only child is amazing. My mornings, is there no sip? Yeah, there's no sibling fights, but is it easier mornings? I don't know because my family, we don't do they do mornings, hmm. Is it like a wake up and it's like Cinderella is like calling her animals and everything comes and everything just moves in a wonderful pace that is so like musical? No, my family, we're kind of like some days, it's like have you seen that movie Home Alone? Is it Christmas Home Alone where the kid wakes up and everyone is like rushing out the door and then they forget something? Okay, even though there's three of us, and I try to wake my husband and daughter up the best I can, you know what I mean. But for some reason we are rushing, and if we're not rushing, we drag, and if we're not dragging, it's because we think we have time, and because we do have time, let's just say that I wonder how we make it some days. Is it easier and in the evenings? I think because we have so many things going on in the evenings. Olivia always has her activities, her barn, her horse every evening. My husband, you know, he works, he travels, he works quite a bit away from home, so he's got a fair bit of drive, and then there's me who's either hungry, tired, sweating because of pre-menopausing, and then I'm just like, oh my goodness, my energy, and now I've got to cook, clean, and do something. So I don't know. I am like want to ask this mom, how is it maybe she's a lot more like what do you say? She's more organized in the mornings, and her evening seems peaceful. Oh, this mom sounds wonderful. If you can relate to this mom, like she has easier mornings, easier evenings, and life feels lighter. I mean, my life is awesome, but if you can relate to this mom, I tell you, you better email me and let me know your secrets. And if for those who are like me, I mean, I just want to give you a hug too. We are trying our best, right? We are trying, trying, trying. Okay, this one here, this other mom said one of the positives about having an only child, we can travel spontaneously, and babysitters are easier to find with just one kid. I mean, did we have okay? So that is awesome. I'm trying to relate to our family. Yes, as in traveling, it was easier for us to get in the car and take it to some places because we weren't focusing on anywhere on another child, and we weren't focusing on I have to make sure this child has this room and this child has that room, or I don't have to bring a lot of equipment for us. We just grab what Olivia needed, and but babysitting, we didn't have that much problem because we where we live, we purposely picked our home closer to my husband's parents and grandparents for babysitting and for her for us to have like I mean we literally I did not there was like a radius of like I don't want to be outside of that 10-minute drive because if there's an emergency or if there's something that she you know that I need for support, or uh you know, Olivia needed to see her grandparents. I was not gonna drive half an hour, I wasn't even gonna drive 15 minutes, it needs to be five minutes or 10 minutes. That is how I picked my home where I'm living now. It had to be five to ten minutes drive, and it had to be both both close to the grandparents and close to the in-laws, and I am thankful that I am very close to my in-laws and close to my his grandparents because they're amazing, and I know not everybody's like that. People, I mean, I've met other mums who want to live at least an hour, two hours away. But for me, finding a babysitter was fine, and unless your babysitter they say they are busy, and you're like, Hey, what do you mean you're busy? You should be home, and you know, you should be home not doing anything, and that should be another story. Okay, another one, another mum said, you know, the concerns, concerns about the future. A mom with an only child said, I'm worried that when we're gone, it'll just be her. That's terrifying. I have never thought about that. Maybe because I see it in a different way, how I build my community. For me, I feel because of her community, I build it with different ages, with her, and at some point anyway, I'm thinking she's gonna be old enough where I've given her these tools, and she will need to, no matter what age, she will need to continue to build and add on to her community. For example, I work in a senior citizen community, and you know, some seniors in their 80s they said that they don't, you know, all of their family members, siblings, auntie and uncles, you know, they've all passed away, so it's just themselves. But because of the community, they do have friends who live there, they'll learn to add on. So, but then I've met some other senior citizens, and they have mentioned that once again they're the only child, they don't have any family members, relatives per se, and so it is lonely. But you would have to look at it, you could be from a family of multiple children, and you were never close to any of them, and you're never close to your nephew and nieces or or great nephew nieces, and you chose not to interact. So I for me, I wonder how you look at it for you and your family, for your child. How do you see that? Because for this mom, how she said, I worry when we're gone, it'll just be her that's terrified. You know, maybe you relate to that. For me, I can't relate to it, but you know, that's what she's saying. Okay, this one here. Sometimes I wonder if she'll miss out on learning how to share or fight it out with her siblings. This one I had to learn. I didn't even think about it, for example. I remember there's some things like when we go to friends' places and they have multiple children and she sees them arguing. Well, here, of course, you know, there's no one to argue another sibling. And so, and there was one time the kids were playing soccer and they were playing outside, and the siblings were all playing together, and she was very young. And I remember I had kicked the ball, but not a lot, and they were telling her how to do certain things, kick the ball, pass it in such a way, and she just looked at it, she was like, I don't know how she didn't say I didn't know how, but she was like, What? Where does a ball go? I mean, this was like maybe she was three or something, and she couldn't understand the game of soccer, and then I realized, oh, she doesn't have a sibling, and soccer's not something that I wouldn't actually go out and play the ball with. We did other things, but not soccer, so there are some things like I forgot because I was the youngest of five, my siblings just taught me these things, but when for her, I looked at from her perspective, like, oh yeah, unless I put her in a group of children all the time, and she got to learn those skills from other kids, you know, or you got to learn that from your siblings, but she was kind of like looking like what do I do? And I realized, like, you know, there are some really good things that you learn from other kids, from your siblings, and so but the fight or sharing, you know, I think that one, and it was funny because when we're around the house, I thought maybe I should just like go around the corner and like boo, or just you know, push you a little bit on the shoulder. I don't know, because she doesn't have siblings, and siblings like might take something from the other child, and she was like, What are you doing? I was like, and I said, Well, you don't have another sibling that picks on you or fights you because daddy and I just pretty much let you do what you want to do. So every now and then I should say no, like as a sibling would, or just snatch something from you. My husband said, Really? I don't think that would be a good idea. I was thinking, yeah, maybe uh maybe I shouldn't. Oh, the things, you know, it's just so different because me, you know, and my husband, he he was an only child until his mom got remarried, and he said for him, it was sometimes he said, Boy, he didn't want to be, he wanted to go back being an old. Only child because he had to learn, like, oh, siblings fight, siblings share things, and he didn't have that growing up, so he was like, Wow, but now he's used to it, of course, and siblings are good. But me, I didn't I always wanted to like I didn't mind being alone sometimes, or there was always a lot of noise in our family, like there's so many different things. But for my daughter, I asked, you know, she said to me, you know, mom, when I when I get married, I don't want to be an only child because I get lonely, and I thought, oh, she said, sometimes I miss, you know, I see my other friends with siblings, and I wish I had an older brother or an older sister, someone to talk to when you and dad don't want to talk to me. I was like, oh my gosh, just does she say when I don't want to talk? Because I thought, hmm, this is when I but then I thought, okay, this is her sharing her heart. Um obviously there's times when she wants to talk and I just don't want to do anything. Or she said, when like in the playground area, and I see my friends, and their siblings are always looking out for them. So I wish sometimes when I had a sibling, they could just look out for me, but she's had to learn, she's got to build friendships with other, you know, people at school, like maybe kids in her in her class, they can look out for one another. Is it the same? No, but that's just the world she lives in. So I explain it to her. Yes, you know, your father and I are not going to have another child, we are not going to adopt, we're not going to a foster. It's just you, me and daddy, and this is this is the way we chose. And I did tell her, you know, I think at one point we had a heart to heart, we always had heart to heart conversations. One point I said to her, I know you didn't choose this life because you would have chosen to have another sibling. She said, Yes. And I said, but as adults, you know, your daddy and I did not choose this life. We did not want to have another kid, we chose just the three of us. So it's just the three of us. And I, you know, but what do you do, right? You just make it the best situation you can. Now, most days she's happy, and she tells me that with the three of us, and then you know, there'll be like a two percent, probably 98%. She said, you know, she's glad she has this dad and I, and just the three of us, and there's other times when she says, you know, I wish I had another sibling, and I'm uh I'm okay with that because that's real. But you know, I just wanted the reason why I want to talk about this topic is because maybe you're uh either at this stage, other people are asking, when is the next child? When are you gonna have another one? Don't you want to have another one? Maybe your child is gonna get lonely. I mean, some people said the silliest things, or maybe sometimes you have guilt, like there was some guilt at some point. Oh, maybe I should have had one, or I should have just so you buy all these animals. Oh my goodness, that is another episode. Or maybe some other people like this other mom, maybe I'm con you know how she said I'm concerned about my child being lonely when we're all gone. I don't know. I just wanted to let you know that as a mom with an only child, I get it from experiencing it with my own child, what people might have said, what people say or might even think. But for uh family at the end of the end of the day, my husband and I, we chose this because we felt it was the best choice for us, and I'm sure that whatever your situation, it's because one, it's your business, what you choose with your husband, and two, you are doing the best you can with the resources that you have, with the time that's given, and you are loving on your child the best that you can. I mean, way to go, mom. You are doing the best you can with the time that's given, with the resources you have, and so you are learning about your child's heart, you are encouraging them in the best way you know how. And yes, do we make mistakes? Whoo! You make mistakes all the time, or maybe you don't, or maybe you're getting better, some things, but the fact is that you show up, you are continuing to love on yourself and tell yourself you are the best parent for your child. I tell my child, you're welcome, and my husband, you're definitely welcome. You both are so welcome. I'm gonna wear a t-shirt. You're welcome. Oh my goodness, I crack out. So I just want to say thank you for listening to my podcast. Thank you for you know subscribing it, giving it a like. And another thing is I have this book, the period book. It is coming out so soon. I wrote this book because I wanted to talk about big topics in a gentle way, and I didn't want to feel it to be awkward, I didn't want to feel it to be like, oh my goodness, go into other topics, complex topics, that I feel, you know, my nine-year-old, well, she's eight, she's gonna be nine very soon, you know. I didn't want to open up so many different comp complex topics about the period. I just wanted to talk about the period, that's it. So it would be open so I can lead other conversations. It's just I just needed a little bit of help, and so I created this resource. And so if you want more information when this book is coming out, there will be like um a link, and just uh let me know, sign up for the waiting list, and as soon as it is available, I will reach out to you. So if you're listening to this podcast, remember we are friends. Thank you for listening to the Family of One podcast. I will meet you in the next episode. Bye.