Is connecting with others really about being extroverted?

Is connection really about being extroverted?

We tend to explain our social lives through personality “I’m just not good with people,” or “they’re naturally charismatic.” 

But what if that’s not what’s actually happening?

In this episode, we challenge the idea that connection is a personality trait and explore something more uncomfortable, and more interesting: connection might actually be a set of invisible, learnable skills.

From curiosity and attention, to reciprocity, comprehension, effort, and spontaneity, we break down the subtle relational work that quietly shapes every interaction we have. 

The kind of work we rarely name, but generate a brutal impact when displayed (or when we don't).

We also look at how modern adulthood driven by productivity, fragmentation, and exhaustion, makes connection harder because the environment we’re in doesn’t support it. We are not entirely to blame.

If you’ve ever wondered why some people feel naturally easy to connect with, or why certain conversations flow while others feel like effort, this episode will make you rethink what connection really is.

Lastly I am highly passionate about criticising society or outdated norms, and ways (apologise if I get too enthusiastic :D)

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Transcript

What if being “good at connection” has less to do with personality and more to do with invisible work and skills no one names?.

We usually think being good at connection is about personality, extroverts do it easily, introverts struggle, but I don’t think this explanation holds. Others think connection should happen naturally, that should be a given. 

Others assume it is always about chemistry, or even magic.

I think the ability to create meaningful connections goes beyond all of that. Connection is not exclusively driven by personality although certainly has an influence, it is a system of skills. And I think we underestimate invisible labor that actually holds connection together in adulthood.  

We also often blame ourselves for relational difficulty without acknowledging the environments we are functioning inside. Modern adulthood is structured around productivity far more than relational lifeFragmentation, exhaustion, lack of time are the default structural conditions.

I want to acknowledge this, because we often blame ourselves entirely for relational difficulty. There is a part that’s structural and more challenging to change, so I want to focus on the parts we can control more in this conversation. 

I want to focus on us, even knowing and given our circumstantial constraint, I want to focus on the parts we can play a role in. 

Constraints or no constraints, connection still requires real work.

A lot of work. 

And most of it is invisible, that’s why connection seems just magical.  

Also, side note: not everyone wants to invest in social circles equally, nor with the same cognitive load - especially in the professional realm. I also noticed based on location networking or building professional relationships is different depending on the culture. 

Let’s focus on you guys, the listeners which I assume are part of the crew interested in investing in colleagues, professional relationships, creative relationships. Let’s note people differ in relational depth preference, social reward sensitivity, and conversational style.

So, let’s continue:

What is actually needed to create connection? Let alone sustain?

When we say someone is good at making connections, we usually describe it or associate a good personality to it. Connection is not exclusively tied up to a personality trait. It is also a distributed system of skills, a system of invisible effort. The world isn’t demystifying those skills like we try to demystify the social media algorithms nowadays.

Those skills determine the type of connection we aim to have (whether we are successful at it or not, because unfortunately building connection in this context requires a +1)

If we want to embrace connection and community we will get further ahead understanding this, whether on a networking context, or professional relational context (although really this extends beyond)

What skills sit under these invisible mechanics of connection? 

I started breaking down what actually changes the quality or depth of connection.

Curiosity: 

Have you talked to someone that doesn’t ask any questions? How does that feel? How is it even possible? There is so  much to learn and stories to hear. Curiosity can be practiced if it doesn’t come up as frequently as you would like.

Attention 

Who is holding the conversation together?. In certain conversations someone is always fully focused and tracking more than words. Who is noticing shifts in tone based on where the conversation goes, so they can drive it better? Who is remembering what was said last time if this was not a first interaction? Lets not go that far, who remembers what was said the first 2 minutes of the conversation if this was a first? 

Let’s remember there is already research out there coming out pointing to our reduced attention spans. There is less possibility for connection when attention is one sided for too long. The person that actually puts it will likely drop it if the other doesn’ t equally or at least close to. 

Reciprocity: 

Who is carrying the relational load over time? Have you ever genuinely liked to befriend someone in a professional capacity and realise they are just not as interested in investing?

Connection is usually measured in a distributed effort across time. Questions that come to our mind when we are expecting reciprocity are some like, who initiates contact? Who follows up when things fade or are quiet for a while? Who is making an effort to engage in conversations beyond the weather? 

Comprehension: 

Have you ever talked to someone in which you are speaking about A and they respond 2, like you respond with a number when speaking of the alphabet. Has nothing to do with the topic you wanted to explore.

One of the most invisible breakdowns in connection and something super difficult to name and pin down is this, and many people don’t even notice.

This is not as much about lack of communication, but a mismatch on how meaning is made and depth achieved. The importance of meaning making for each individual. 

Here we wonder things like, are we interpreting the same moment the same way? Are we building a topic on shared context or parallel realities? Are we engaging in a true balanced dialog or is one person just trying to constantly prove a point that has even nothing to do with what you are saying. Or is it an exchange of statements as opposed to a dialog?

This is where we feel misunderstood, not seen, even when there are words and communication is happening.

This applies to all of us. At some point, especially on a day where we had high stress can become worse at comprehension. I do notice it when my nervous system is overloaded. It takes high awareness to be able to identify this within ourselves, at least some times, others we just won’t. We are human.

Effort, intentional effort 

Who carries the cost of starting?. Starting is such an invisible effort, it is a true effort nowadays. Who speaks first, who redirects a conversation when it gets off track or heated. 

Who throws thoughtful questions all the time so the dialog can achieve depth. 

Without this nothing starts, nothing builds. For the people that build in depth, this is a must. We can’t pretend to be great connectors and receive high level connections without this piece if we understand connection similarly. 

Who is the one always saving the meetings from uncomfortable talk?

Spontaneity: 

This shows by not letting others carry the weight all the time. This is a skill too, a skill to break the ice, to notice who is left out, how you can create a quick interaction to pull someone in the conversation. 

Capacity and ability to react quickly in different sorts of contexts and situations. I am a pretty spontaneous person naturally but extremely lack confidence in a professional context, especially when I started my job at Disney. I worked it out, attended storytelling class, a couple of improv ones, went on stage, wrote, you name it. 

You guys, the list goes on. 

These skills can come more at ease for some personality traits but they are also skills independently of personality, learnable skills. These skills become distributed forms of labor, like almost anything in life. And when that labor is uneven, people don’t just feel they are bad at connection but also feel alone inside any connection. 

A lot of these skills are undervalued in workplaces because leadership systems often don’t have clear language for relational work. You can’t evaluate what you don’t know what to name, in the same way one can’t fix what doesn’t know it’s broken. Nothing new here.

We need more structure , more awareness, more conversations for these to become conscious practice.

Let’s say in fact yes, building connections is a little more exhausting, in a good way, than magic. People that are exhausted after deep intentional socializing means they have done the work most of the time. If that’s your good job! That’s how it’s supposed to be. 

I never understood the huge negative connotation with how exhausting socializing is, it is because it should, even if it’s done in a healthy way. 

The difference is when they become fulfilling it overrides the exhausting, it’s like the energy switches a bit, and you generate more energy, you feel more energized, especially when you start finding the right connections and environments. That’s purely my own experience.

It is difficult in adulthood. You can do everything right, still experience silence, loneliness, mismatch, asymmetry, lack of reciprocity.

None of us are masters of all these skills, there is no master in this because we are human, and human relationships are dynamic. We are constantly interacting with different people, different emotional realities, including different selves, different versions of ourselves over time.

What we can try to master most,  is our own self awareness, and we have no classes for that, so it’s up to each the tools we find, what we read, what we listen to, our own metacognition process.

So you will hear me out a lot speaking of networking, networking starts here too, except in the cases we want to go transactional which that’s fine too if the situation suits. But many professional relationships if you want deep and authentic relationships start here. 

I usually talk about networking in a very structured way, with a framework that simplifies everything and serves as the core of the castle. 

Hope you enjoyed thinking with me in exploring this deeper layer.