Discombobulated with Bobby Jaycox

#60 R.I.P. Uncle Bill's | Discombobulated with Bobby Jaycox

• Bobby Jaycox

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Can swim trunks really cause chaos with airport security? Join me as I recount my latest comedic escapades from life on the road. From childhood curiosities fueled by a cable-free upbringing to the quirky overreactions of the TSA when faced with my choice of travel attire, it's a rollercoaster of laughter and unexpected mishaps. Buckle up for tales of my upcoming tour dates and the hilarity of navigating the peculiarities of being a traveling comedian.

Back in Austin, life's never dull with a toilet that seems to have taken up Morse code as a hobby. Between the plumbing antics and my encounters at the vibrant Creak and Cave comedy scene, there's never a dull moment. Relive my adventure with Cactus Tate's daughter and her power-wheeled toy car, where dodging the determined driver became an art form. Toss in a light-hearted nod to my non-existent Taco Bell breakfast endorsement, and you’ve got a charming blend of chaos and comedy.

Picture the bustling streets of Chicago where spirited drivers reign supreme, and imagine the surprise of meeting a street preacher in Greenville with an unexpected twist. As we hop over to St. Louis, reminisce about local legends and laugh over the quirks of formal men's wear. We say goodbye to beloved spots like Uncle Bill’s, all while cherishing the unique characters and peculiar memories that make each city special. It's a tapestry of joy, oddities, and humorous reflections that capture the essence of life on the road.

Speaker 1:

Hello, welcome back to another episode of Discombobulated. I have merch available at BobbyJCoxcom. Please go check that out. I have a new tour t-shirt Tour t-shirt Come check that out. And I'm going to be on the road with Tate and my dude, cactus Tate, and you can see us all over. We are coming tomorrow. What is tomorrow? Yeah, two days. We are coming to Columbus, ohio, toledo, ohio, dayton, ohio. They say it's for lovers. I love that shit. Chicago, illinois, hartford, connecticut, albany, new York, philly, pennsylvania, fucking Richmond. Virginia, virginia Beach, virginia. More in November on BobbyJCoxcom Bam.

Speaker 1:

I keep saying bam and boom a lot for no fucking reason. I'm like turning into that guy and I didn't even watch, I just know he's like bam, what was that guy's name? There's certain things I don't know it's him, what was his fucking name? I don't certain things I don't know it's him. What was his fucking name? I don't know.

Speaker 1:

I didn't have cable growing up. And people will let you. If you tell someone you have trauma, they react less concerned than when you say you didn't have cable growing up. You'll be like, yeah, this really traumatic event happened to me whenever I was a kid. And people will be like, yeah, this really traumatic event happened to me whenever I was a kid and people will be like yeah, that's crazy, I know, that's life, yeah, and while that was happening I didn't have cable. And they're like what Are you fucking shitting me? Oh my God, they don't make therapy for that. Please tell me. You have it now.

Speaker 1:

When it doesn't make sense, I grow up and I finally get cable and it's the stupidest package available. Whenever I do go to hotel rooms, I will say the places where you can't stream Netflix or whatever, what the fuck? Give me Tubi or something. Oh, you want to watch daytime television. As soon as I turn it on, I literally feel all of my dopamine die. It just goes. Just turn it on. It's like oh, local weather, whoa. Oh my God, yeah, you got to be able to watch what you want I like to put on YouTube. Is that weird? I don't think so. I feel like I know enough people that like it's just so much, it's so much better. What am I talking about?

Speaker 1:

But I just got back into Austin, austin, texas. I live here, but I don't. There should be a bed where I'm sitting doing my podcast, but there isn't. So I sleep on the couch for like two days and then I go back on the road. Isn't that cool from an outside perspective.

Speaker 1:

But when you're doing it, you're like oh my god, my back hurts. Oh my god, my back hurts. Oh my, I don't know. I'm not complaining, I'm not complaining. No, I'm not complaining. No, I am.

Speaker 1:

But I honestly, the only thing that I kind of realized is it's like so you, I've had to fly a lot more and I always drove or took Greyhounds. And when you fly and it's you gotta go both ways, but it's like at least it's like fucking. You know, if you get a good deal, it's you got to go both ways, but it's like at least it's like fucking it on a. You know, if you get a good deal, it's like 200 bucks, but it's usually between three over 500 bucks. And then you come through and they pat. Every time you're like it is. It gets a little annoying, but you can get TSA pre-check. I've seen that line be longer and I go through quicker, so none of that makes sense.

Speaker 1:

I'm just saying when I come through, like sir, can you step over here? I'm like I'm wearing swim trunks. What's coming up on the scanner? I took everything off. Like are we? Should I just get down. Should I get down to my underwear, cause I'd go through naked, but it's like you know anyone can be there, so you can't do that. But I'm just trying to be like. I just would like to go through quick. Sir, can you step over here please? I need to pat you down, yeah, and I need to moan my ass off. Pat, pat, oh, pat pat, oh, my God, I wonder if they'll stop patting me down or pat me down harder Whenever it says clear, I go.

Speaker 1:

Oh man, are you sure you don't want to touch me real quick with with doctor gloves on? You sure you don't want to make sure that a guy with swimming trunks wearing to the airport doesn't have a bomb on his, the smallest bomb ever on his swim trunks? Have you ever even heard of a swim trunks bomb? If you see someone in swim trunks, that should be TSA pre-check. Like if I'm in swim trunks, that should be TSA pre-check. Like if I'm wearing swim trunks. They should be like get on, go ahead, you're good.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I know I'm wearing swim. You know the confidence you have to have wearing swim trunks. So, like gym, I'm wearing gym shorts. You know the confidence you have to wear as a guy, like. You have to know that. Like they might pat you down and while you're, you know it's, it just looks you're wearing swim trunks. It doesn't look good, so as as you should. If you're wearing swim trunks, you should not have to get patted down. What, what less could I wear, please stop. And I'm not even a weird guy with touching. It just feels stupid. And I know how I look. Everyone looks at me and they're like, yeah, that guy's got a bomb, that guy's real dumb and got a bomb, but who cares?

Speaker 1:

I got in late last night and the only thing I had available to eat was a Jimmy Dean's sausage. And this morning you guys ever make a Jimmy Dean, you ever make a Jimmy Dean sausage? Well, what you have to do is you have to be like. You have to be like kind of a chef of a microwave. You do have to. People can say it's like, oh, you're not cooking. Yeah, well, I'm definitely doing more than I would normally do and just making popcorn. Even popcorn's fucking tough, so you have to put it in and you have to defrost.

Speaker 1:

It says defrost for 90 seconds. But you got to get to know your microwave. You can't just be swinging for the fences, trusting. No offense to Jimmy Dean, but they don't have your best interest at heart. They just want to sell you. As I'm talking about it, I can feel it in my stomach boiling and they're like, I feel sick to my. They're like is he talking about us? No, no, no, no, it's fine.

Speaker 1:

And so I ate it. You, you had to. We saw you put it 90 seconds. You have to defrost, not cook, defrost. And then my microwave's like do you mean wait? I'll never know the weight of what I'm cooking. Just so we're all clear. If I'm dating someone and that's the only way what's the weight of what you're defrosting, shut up? Well, it said on the chicken thing I already threw that away. It said the weight on the chicken. It tossed it and I'm not going back in there because my parents raised me that as soon as you're done, you have to put in a plastic bag, you have to treat it as if it's a biohazard and then throw it away and then wash your hands and then wash your hands. So you have to defrost it for 90 seconds. You take a Jimmy Dean, you defrost it for 90 seconds, then you cook it for 50. I like to do 65. Gets it a little too hot, but at least the inside doesn't taste like a Jimmy Dean's popsicle. Can't have that in my life anymore. So you eat it and it is good. Thank you, jimmy Dean.

Speaker 1:

But then this morning I went to go throw away the napkin that some of the cheese had spilled over Because you have to wrap it. It says that at the beginning of the package Please wrap it. Don't put it in this package. Please open it and then wrap it. And if you just moved into a new place and you don't have a paper towel, look at the dish towel and be like, can I wrap it in that? And then just be like what can I wrap it in that and then put, and then just like that's crazy, no and so. But then the next.

Speaker 1:

But when you do have a paper towel, that paper it was so much harder with the cheese on it and I'm like that cheese is in my body. What chemicals are keeping that thing liquid or does that? Is there just a hard piece of cheese in my tummy? I'm not trying to be one of those guys that I don't eat healthy all the time at all, but as I get older I'm like what the fuck is going in my body. I probably should have eaten the paper towel. Possibly. You never really think about that, do you?

Speaker 1:

And I am finally, I think it's been. I've been in my new apartment for I've been for five months. I think I've been here for about five months, but I've only, like, lived here for probably about a month now and I tell you what my toilet sucks. I can't get over how bad this thing is. It cannot handle me. If you can't handle me at my best piss, you can't handle me at my worst shit, mr Toilet or Mrs Toilet.

Speaker 1:

But whoever my toilet is, I have been taking dumps and I go to flush it and first of all, I have a. I have a. I might get it. I know I'm renting this place, I might have a new toilet installed and I have no money to do that. So that's how serious I am. I need a new toilet, cause I go to flush it and I just like to push once. I don't like to stand there and push it and, like I'm dialing on a rotor phone, like a rotary phone, just like to make sure all my shit gets down there, and then I go to flush and it doesn't do it. So I gotta hold it.

Speaker 1:

And then I and today I feel like I was doing a Morse code of sending my shit through the toilet, just like one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, spit, wait, wait, go. I think the only reason I even know anything about morse code is from the movie balto was he was his name balto, or his name wasn't baltimore, wasn't it, right, balto? But they're like because he's got to get all the medicine to these like sick kids, and yes, at some point they like get a message back. They're like Balto's got the goods and they send them off. And then he's like I remember the movie, that's what my poop does. Oh man, what a dumbest thing to talk about.

Speaker 1:

But I am back in Austin, which is cool. Last night I did want to go out and hang out but, fuck, I was way too tired, and so today I got to go out Because I like, dude, I love it, love it. People are always like, what's it like in Austin? I'm like I barely know, but I will go hang out at like Creaking Cave a lot, and that place is so fucking, so fun, just a good vibe, just the best, the best comics I've met in the city. I've definitely met, like at that club. So it's so fun but excited to get back on the road with Cactus Tate and I went over to. I did.

Speaker 1:

I stopped at her house because I left my car there, and then I went on the road with Randy Feltface and then I came home, her and her daughter picked me up from the airport, which was so sweet and cute, so fun, and and then we got back home and she did feed her daughter Taco Bell breakfast, which I won't even eat when we were talking about food, I won't even eat that. She goes. Bobby, do you want Taco Bell breakfast? I go. Did you hear what you just said to me? And I know I look like I'm sponsored by Taco Bell breakfast. I know, and I was like no, can you get me like a Baja coffee, a Baja Blast coffee? I'll take one of those. I'll take a baja blast, black and blue. And so she got that. That's what they, yeah, they like ate that this.

Speaker 1:

And then you know, somehow her, you know her daughter, made that into energy or whatever, I don't know. And then so we went out and then she had one of those like little play cars, you know I'm talk about like those, like what are the? What are? It's like a motor, it's I'm not saying a motorized car, it's not what, what, what are those called? But you know, like. But it's not like. When we grew up it was like someone would have like a Barbie one. They had no power, they were made of plastic, couldn't handle any terrain. That is not the one that this kid has, this kid, I think it. I think when she turns 16 you could probably drive it on the highway. So she had that out and we started playing this fun game, that, uh, because.

Speaker 1:

So she was like coming at me and I was like, oh, I'll jump in the way and then she'll swerve out of the way. But here's the thing about Cactus Tate's daughter is she did not stop. I actually heard it go. She revved up and almost killed. I would have. Definitely she was going so fast, I would have flipped over the top. Her daughter almost hit me and then I turned and me and Tatum are both dying laughing because I dove out of the way and she was like no, no, no, no, no, she will hit you. And she's like turns around and she's like she's giving that like little kid, like what? So then we. But then I couldn't help it. I thought it was funny that she wanted to hit me and I was like I bet I can handle getting hit by this.

Speaker 1:

So as we were like driving around, she thought it was the funniest game, that I would like stick my foot out and she would run into it and this thing could handle it. It would like run over my foot and go blah, blah. And then, while her and tatum were in it, I tried to like get as much underneath sorry, um, bumping the mic everywhere. I'm so much fun talking about this, but I like kept like trying to get underneath and they were like that's ridiculous and I'm like it's not. It, it disperses the weight. If anything, it this should be a commercial for selling these things. That's just what I think. So and then she's like you should drive it. I'm like I'll break it. She's like it really does handle me and my daughter's weight and I was like all right, well, maybe I'll.

Speaker 1:

Whenever a kid has a toy, you have to wait until it's like been sitting by itself and then, as an adult, you could come over and you have to like pretend that you're like does this need to be like put in the yard or whatever, and then you can like play with it for like a second. But if people catch you playing, if you're an adult and you're playing, you know, the only way I remember the adults doing that when I was a kid is they were like drunk and it's like we were not. I was just like I can't write that thing, all right. So we did that Pick some flowers, played some games, hung out for a little bit, and then, yeah, and then I drove back to Austin and I tell you what man that drive through Texas is people talk about oh, kansas is flat, it sure is, and it's a straight shot and it's not joking around Texas.

Speaker 1:

It's like do we got to stop through these small? Do we have to stop through? Do we have to go from 75 to 35 to 75 to 55? To? Whoa, slow down, I'm sorry, you just told me to go to 75. You just Sorry, whoa, slow down, I'm sorry, you just told me to go to 75, you just sorry, lay and close your head. This town's closed. But then I made it back to austin and, uh, just laid down in the coolest man, one of the coolest things ever is.

Speaker 1:

My roommate has a dog and he was out late last night and so his dog loves hanging out with me came in hung up by me and, man, is there anything better than going to sleep by a dog? Those people that are like we don't let my parents were like we don't let the dog in the bed. It's like you should let your dog lay in the bed, cause they all they do is love you. My dog's, my roommate's dog is all bones will say this he's a sweet dog, he's healthy, he's loving. But this dog is all bones and if he all the PSI in his body goes into every one of his legs and so he'll do that until he gets comfortable on you and you're like are you good, buddy? And then so well, we'll crash it and call it a night. But yeah, tonight I'm gonna gonna go out and then tomorrow I got a, I got to fly again, man, I can't. And then we're driving a lot and then I can't wait and I'm excited to be in Chicago. Um, her husband's coming out to that show, which I'm really excited about. We all have so much fun.

Speaker 1:

We hang out in Chicago is just like it's a special place. It's not my, you know it's not my. You know it's not my favorite city. It is like oh, and I love you guys there, I love chicago, it people get a little full of themselves they do. Where I'm from, in st louis, every place has a place. You know, everyone gets a little full of themselves. But when you go to chicago, everyone's like you're in chicago.

Speaker 1:

You go to new york and people are like they're mean. I'm like that. They're not mean like they're in chicago. You ever in new york, you can drive around. You ever try to merge in Chicago. You'll be going to court soon. You're in an accident. People are like dude, I've seen people drive backwards. I've seen people we were driving one time we were like was that a bunch of blood on that car? And we were like that's Chicago. What are you going to do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? That's Chicago, god.

Speaker 1:

I want to buy a motorcycle. I'm looking out my window and this guy has two, because it's parked in the same spot, so you know he has two motorcycles. Some guys have everything two girlfriends, two motorcycles. You know Some guys have everything Two girlfriends, two motorcycles. You know they got two of everything. And I'm Bob. I'm like I got like half of most things. That's what I have. I got like half of most things that a person should have, like if one more person comments on you know they'll be like those socks. Look, yeah, they have you know what, but maybe oh, we talk about the environment all the time, but now my socks have holes in them and everyone's pissed. Do you guys want holes in my socks or holes in the ozone? You gotta choose. And something new I found out is my feet stink even after I've washed them, not my feet, my socks, which means my Next topic. Please, my producer didn't set this up because I'm the producer, God damn it. My coffee spilled but, um, yeah, we didn't.

Speaker 1:

I just got back from greenville, south carolina. With greenville you have beautiful people. Love that, you have a lot of beautiful people. There was a guy in south carolina that was preaching the bible. I, I assume the Bible. It could have been Dude. You know what I listened for, like a second. It could have been like the N64 manual, it could have. You know what I mean. He's like. And player one connects, player one hits start and then player two hit start and then player two hit start and then you can play. And then you can play MX, unleashed, unfuried. I didn't really check, but I was walking by and you know what?

Speaker 1:

The one thing I will say and I'm really not trying to be one of those guys, because I think it's just as annoying to preach religion as it is to preach anti-religion or think you know nothing I think the best thing is conversations, because I don't think any of us know. So. There are beautiful talks you can have. I've had them, I've had them and I'm looking for more. And if you want to have a conversation spiritually with me, but this guy was like yelling. And there, here's the thing how he was talking and dude, how he looked, dude, this guy was beat. This guy looked like bob the tomato from veggie tales. Uh, he's like I'm bob the tomato and this is the word of god. And he was like. He was like I'm Bob the Tomato and this is the word of God. And he was like and I did see him talking to some people he didn't seem angry, he wasn't yelling at anybody, he wasn't pointing, and he had one of those beer bellies where it's like hey, hey, hey, I'm not being mean, I'm not body shaming, I just don't think the Messiah's got a beer belly and not like, I'm not saying a belly, I'm not saying it's like a Buddha, I'm not saying I'm talking about one of those hard uncle bellies, one of those bellies that even if you worked out they'd be like, yeah, this belly is gonna stay.

Speaker 1:

That guy, that's not the. That's not the. That's not the guy. It's not a guy with the high blood pressure going far. It might be the. I would definitely like there was.

Speaker 1:

This dude. Is he still doing this? I feel like he was around st louis a lot but he would just dress as jesus. But you know, the sun was out so he did have gloves on and, uh, maybe some like spf 30 on feet and he would wear like a white all-around hat. What are those called? Like it's not a beanie. What are those stupid hats? What are those hats called? You know what I'm talking about? I'm, what are those? All the way way around. It's not some brayer, whatever he's wearing, but he's got like one of those all around and he would have a staff and he would just walk around st louis just waving at people. That, with that guy saying zero things, I I would put my money on him being right.

Speaker 1:

Then this guy in like a suit and like those fucking penny loafers that everyone's uncle has. People joke about like the dad, look the uncle, look, oh my god, dude, uncles and I'm and I'm in the same boat too. Uncle's wearing the. You know, you, I'm not an uncle, but I'm like at that age where it's like it's the same. If it's not a wedding where I'm getting a tux, it's the same dress, shirt and pants and shoes I've had forever.

Speaker 1:

And they got those penny loafers and never see a penny in them. They got those little like dangly, those like frilly tops, and they got like those. They're really wide and they get really pointy. It's like that's the dumb, like why do we wear the dumbest shoes? That's the only night where men kind of are like okay, well, if women are going to wear dress shoes, we should have pointy shoes too. And then they got that belt. That's like holding on for dear life. To be like is this where you want your? Is this where you want your waist to be? Are we deciding right? Here is where our waist is, not where your hips are. Okay, that guy's probably not the answer. The guy with the yeah, the guy with the tie man, the more I think about it.

Speaker 1:

I wish he was just reading the N64 manual and then plug it to the back and then the red and the yellow and the white plug in. You can mix them up to try to see what happened. It's funny, one of them just won't work, ha ha ha. Try it again. So you do that and then you can connect to god, which to me, god is nfl blitz. If, if someone told me that they're like you don't believe in god, let me show you. And then they sat down and they played nfl blitz with me that they're like you don't believe in God, let me show you. And then they sat down and they played NFL Blitz with me, I'd be like he is real, which my buddy Chris did one time. My buddy Chris R I don't know if you're supposed to say names, but my buddy, we were hanging out and I was hanging out with people.

Speaker 1:

You ever talk to people and you're like I don't want to be talking to these people. He could just like sense it and he was like you want to go play nfl blitz, but it was like the arcade version and I was like he's like, hey, you want to go play. I was like yeah, dude, we go over there. He's like thanks. He's like well, I really wanted to play this but I don't know if I was like saving you. I was like you definitely were, thank you.

Speaker 1:

And louis, there's this place called the heavy anchor and you go there and you can play nfl blitzball fucking free. I love that place. God, there are places from st louis I know I'll start to miss one place that just closed. Rip ri, motherfucking p to uncle bill's. I heard they're closing their doors.

Speaker 1:

They never really did recover from the pandemic because they were the 24-hour place and when you lived in St Louis Missouri there was a couple of late-night spots. There was, and still are, a couple of late-night spots, but the best one I always felt like and it was a little pricey, which is maybe why their doors closed. But you would go there and it was such a good meal you could get way like way too much. Kind of it was like after a comedy show. It's like you'd go take people from out of town and you can get anything. They had burgers breakfast. It's like anything you wanted you could get it vegan, you know what I mean? Like any, pretty much anything you wanted you could get. So we had to go there a lot and they closed and that makes me feel sad, the only thing I will say, the only thing that no one could ever answer for me and I guess some things will remain unanswered. But Uncle Bill's is closing and some people say it's overpriced, and I don't know.

Speaker 1:

But there was one item on that menu and it was a side of sour cream and it was a side of sour cream. And in your head right now I want you to picture a number. I just want you to think real quick of what a little ramekin, tiny little ramekin, filled with a scoop of sour cream. Hey, maybe it's a big ramekin. We'll give them that. Some places give those out for free as a sour cream is, uh, just happy to be a part of the restaurant. But at uncle bill's the sour cream was two dollars and thirty cents, $2.30. You could get, I think I'm not sure on the taxes and everything but you could probably go through McDonald's and you could get a McDouble and a McChicken for about that same price as a side of sour cream from Uncle Bill's.

Speaker 1:

So you know, I am sorry to hear that and I'm sorry to hear that. You know, I, I am sorry to hear that and the whole I am sorry to hear that. You know the sour cream tricked it and I would ask, I would ask and I would always say I'm like I'm not complaining, but why is the sour cream so expensive? And they would just go. And I swear to God, it was the same five people that work there. You would think it'd be one of those. It was the same five people. So I do hope they find employment somewhere else, because that place was fun, it was 24 hours and then post-COVID it never really got to be back there again.

Speaker 1:

It was one of those places where you went and you were like it's like one of those places where you'd get in the parking lot and you'd be like let's hurry inside, it's not bad out here, but let's hurry inside. But then you get once's hurry inside, but then you get. Once you were inside, then you felt like they owned the place and you go outside. You know, some people have cigarettes, maybe smoke a little pot, maybe someone would pull out a flask if they were, you know, cool, and you'd stand there and talk and then you'd all say goodbye and then you'd get onto king's highway and if you were wondering if it's a highway, no, it's mostly a street in front of king's but people do drive on at the speed of a highway so you got to be careful there. But so RIP to Uncle Bill. So I'm sorry to hear that they're closing in. That'll never go. You know what. You know what is really dumb I am so like whatever that I get nostalgic or like emotional about, like pretty much anything.

Speaker 1:

I might be pregnant, but whenever I heard that Uncle Bill's was closing I was like oh no, and I was just thinking of like when was the last, what was the last time I ate there? I was trying to remember and I couldn't remember and I just like I wish I knew that time, or I wish like someone could make you know, maybe just like a video montage of like the security footage of just another turning point a fork stuck in my food. Time plant you by the server station where there's dirty food. Can I get a side of sour cream for two, 35? Seriously, did you add five cents to the $2.30? You're already asking for sour cream. It's something unpredictable. It's only sour cream. Can I take a fried of pretty good fries? Just a montage of people just being in there just like dry. Hey, how many? Another turning point a fork stuck in the rock. Follow me. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.

Speaker 1:

Don't make the best of this test and don't ask why the bathroom's in the back. Don't ask if there's any more soap. It's something unpredictable. How did they close? I hope you had the time of your life. It's something unpredictable. And she forgot to bring my fries, but she totally still charged me for fries. Oh, uncle bill, we will. We will miss you. So they're having a blowout sale. I could not recommend not eating there enough right now. If they are, I can't imagine how they're trying to. Is that mean to say, go there, hey, at under your own if you want to go? I just can't imagine how they're trying to make sure that they, before they leave, that they try to make sure they make some money with the on the chill. You know. So just you know. Please go. It's something unpredictable when, in the end, it's guys. I hope you have the time to fuck my wife, all right, but guys, all right. That's the pod. That's it. Yeah, oh, outro music, what? Yeah, the Game and Recro program on the thing. Okay, bye.