Discombobulated with Bobby Jaycox

#67 Condom Time Travel | Discombobulated with Bobby Jaycox

• Bobby Jaycox

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Ever wondered what happens when you mix mysterious bathroom noises, the nostalgia of 90s bars, and the awkwardness of condom vending machines? Buckle up for a hilariously candid ride through the quirks of living with roommates. We kick things off with a personal tale from the shared bathroom that’ll have you laughing and reminiscing about the good old days of looping towel systems. Plus, discover the transformative power of our podcast merch and the oddities of bathroom vending options that would make your grandma blush.

Get ready for a wild night out in Austin, where an unexpected guest at a comedy show takes the spotlight, offering up an evening full of laughs and heartfelt reflections. We compare the vibrant streets of Austin with St. Louis, sharing humorous and warm anecdotes about our interactions with the local homeless community. From helping with parking to offering comedic relief, these moments blend humor and empathy, proving that life’s unexpected turns are sometimes the best part.

Throw in a hilarious history lesson on condoms and how they bizarrely predate cars and phones, and you’ve got yourself a rollercoaster of a podcast episode. We navigate the absurdities of modern life, touching on everything from noisy roommates to the confusing world of voting. With tales of miscommunication that’ll make you chuckle and insights on the peculiarities of past practices, we promise a blend of wit and reflection that resonates and entertains.

Speaker 1:

Hello, welcome back to another episode of Discombobulated. I'm having a great day. I just walked by my roommate's bathroom and he was either jerking off or moans when he showers. That is the life I lead and that's the life I'm lucky to have. Some people aren't lucky enough to hear their roommate whack off. Some people aren't that lucky to clean up after their roommate. And then when you walk by the bathroom that everyone uses, that's the dirtiest one. To hear him go oh, and that has to be how you clean your armpits, right, because when I shower yeah, usually when I walk by, I hear oh, and that's usually when I'm fucking milking my, my pits, you know. So, anyway, we also. We have a merch available on the website.

Speaker 1:

I'm wearing one of the beanies now and I've never been happier. I put on this beanie and I was like God, god damn is that. I put it on and all of a sudden I felt like there's no headphones in the in the sides of them. But I put them on and I could hear angels. I put this beanie on and I just put it on and I was like who can say where the road goes? I was like whoa, it's like a blanket for your head a beanie. We also have other merch available on the website. Go check it out.

Speaker 1:

I got a. I got a hoodie and I got a large and I like how it fits. I usually wear between a medium and a large and if you've ever hugged me and I was I was the. The hug from me was bigger than the hug you were providing. I was the big spoon in the hug. Go ahead and get a smaller one, uh. And if you've given me a hug and you're like, goddamn this little boy, then get boy, then get a bigger one. That's how we will size these and beanies. One size fits all, because we all have the exact same size head. Every person in the country, same size head. So hope you're doing good.

Speaker 1:

Oh, and I'm also selling old condoms that I found just in boxes when I moved. I guess I threw these in there in a hurry as if I was on the move and then, while moving, someone's gonna be like, oh my god, are you moving all your stuff in a car? I'm like, yeah, and she's like, oh my god, let's fuck. And as a person who just met you at a truck stop, can we please use a condom? Of course I have a dirty old one right here. What's the expiration date? Who cares? Really, those actually aren't even reliable. Man, nothing worse than seeing a sell-by date on a condom.

Speaker 1:

Jesus Christ Just bought it and just like we tried, we tried. Christ, just like, just bought it and just like we, really, we tried we, oh, my god, the older you get, just condoms, so not like to use them at all, just like. Even every time I buy them, I fuck, I feel like the first time I bought them, just, you're just like uh, can I get? Um, oh shit, I could buy so many things here. Do you guys have? Do you guys have condoms? Oh, yeah, I guess I'll. Shit, I don't really care.

Speaker 1:

Definitely not those. No, don't get those. Not those. No, don't get the ones that. No, not the ones that make you fart. No, not those. Not the ones that. No, not the ones that make them queef. Not the one, no, not the ones that when you open it, it never stops singing, like those cards. Like you open up, it's like it's your birthday. It's like one of those. We don't want, one of those, we just want. Yeah, yeah, those ones, thank you.

Speaker 1:

And if you had, I'll say this if you, if you were born after the 90s and you've ever bought one of those condoms out of the bathroom, like when you go to the bathroom. You can either. You can get a condom and the the brand condom is called condom and it's like misspelled. You get that. You get horny goat's weed, which is obvious. You take a little, you take a pill and it makes you as horny as a goat. And then usually that random third one where it's like usually sometimes it's like you can get like a tylenol or a lottery ticket. If you're buying those, god damn, I, I, whatever was going on in your life that you were at that low of a point but still, like, put in 75 cents and then and then, oh god, those are good times.

Speaker 1:

I didn't remember I, because I was a kid in the 90s and my family if you weren't a kid in the 90s, you don't remember this, but you would. You were kind of in the way we were like the last generation. That was like in the way, like as kids they were like we want to drink, but we, fucking, we let this guy come in us, so now we gotta have a baby for our and, but we wanted to go to the bar, so then they would just be like well, what if we just bring our kids to the bar and people are like, well, that's illegal. And they're like not if you are nice enough to the bartender. So we would hang out in these bars and I remember those bathrooms very well, I remember that and they also had this thing that is, I can't believe that they did this. It would be one looping towel and you would dry your hands and then pull it down a little bit and then someone else would dry it and I just even I remember being a kid and just being like that's outdated and I'm new to the planet and I was just like that's a little fucked up.

Speaker 1:

I'm new to the planet and I was just like that's a little fucked up, I'm going to go in the back, cause even though my parents are, you know, hanging out at a bar and everyone has enough money for alcohol, they somehow can't find 75 cents for us to play. That Like fucking, that was that shuffleboard in the back. So we would just fucking slam them. We would just cause they put those, they have those metal things that come up in the middle. That's like you better pay to play bitch. And we would just fucking. That way you're like this game is more fun. Let's try to break those fucking those things. Let's do that. Let's eat this fucking salt on the table. Is this good? I'm eating it and I feel great. So that's what I remember.

Speaker 1:

I remember just being in bars and and that smell oh my god, that cigarette smell. It brings, it, brings you back. It just brings you back to being a kid and just like, why are you guys all sick all the time? It's like maybe it's because you're all smoking cigarettes in all face. Oh my god, don't get that. Put that dirt down. That's disgusting right into your own lungs. Oh my God, don't get that. Put that dirt down. That's disgusting Right into your own lungs. Oh my kid the most. Oh God, they matter so much. Just they literally give him a kiss and go comes out of the kid's fucking ears. Oh my God, why couldn't they be like us and smoke vaporized sugar?

Speaker 1:

Get a geek bar, mom and dad, you ever think about that? Did they have geek bars when you were a kid? You could get fucked up on a geek bar. Get fucked up on a geek bar. And if, dude, if you went back in time and hit that, if you hit. If you went back in time and hit a geek bar in front of somebody, they would go oh my god, dude, can I try that? They would literally be blown away and at the exact same time be like can I hit that? Is there a game on the side? What the fuck? Look at that display. God damn, I did quit smoking for two whole days. I did it.

Speaker 1:

And then I had one of those stressful days where you're just like hey, and then you ask a friend if you can borrow theirs, and I was like megan, can I please rip your? And she was like she was being a good friend. She was like are you sure? And I was like yes, and then the next day I was just walking and I bought one and I'll just I'll say this if you've never smoked, legitimately, you don't. There's nothing. You don't need to figure out what it's like. It sucks. It's so much better to not do it. And I'm training. You know, I'm training. I got a big show. I got a lot of big shows coming up. I got to be able to do back flips. I got to be able to spin around. I got to get in shape. Bobby, what show is that? That's the show called my Life, you know.

Speaker 1:

So just really just taking it day by day, trying not to smoke, and when something stressful happened, you're like, well, this will fix it. And you're like, hmm, it's almost as if it didn't. It's almost as if I bought this thing thinking it would fix all my problems and then hit it and realized it didn't, and now I'll finish it, as if I only added to my problems. If this sounds good to you, go buy a geek bar. Go and be like I'll take a sour apple. Go do that and then regret it forever. Regret. Oh, it tastes like fucking a cherry bomb. Oh my God, it says Sagittarius on there. They didn't even check my ID. I'm not even a Sagittarius. I shouldn't have been able to buy this. I should have only been able to buy a Virgo or whatever, because I'm on the cusp. If one more fucking witch tells me I'm on the cusp, I will tell you how I identify. Everyone's like. You are who you are, unless you're not fucking born exactly on the date.

Speaker 1:

I used to go to this Chinese restaurant. I would look at their calendar and I was like, well, here I'm a monkey. So you're telling me I'm a virgin monkey because a Virgo sign is a. You're telling me I'm a virgin monkey. That does sound actually very accurate. That does sound. Why I? That does sound like me. Sounds like a guy who's never had sex. Oh, I've, I mean, I've had it. I just forgot what it was like. Oh God, I did. Oh, dude, I did a.

Speaker 1:

I did show last night and, uh, it was at the buzz mill, which is, it's, the longest running weekly show in austin. I think they've been doing it for 11 years. Colton said it was awesome. It was, uh, it was a good show, a great lineup. I uh, when I went on stage, uh, they didn't love me right away. They didn didn't. They definitely took a little bit of warming up, probably because the comic before me crushed, gavin Matz killed, and then I go up and I'm like, hey, what's up? And so it took a second, but then I was winning him over and then, dude, literally out of left field, like I thought I almost felt like it was planned how confident she did it. But it wasn't was planned how confident she did it.

Speaker 1:

But it wasn't this woman who we can only identify as possibly homeless. I don't, we don't, I don't know for sure, but she ran on stage and grabbed the mic and then just started yelling into it and what was crazy? She didn't even grab the mic for me and then turn to the audience. She grabbed the mic and then kept facing me. She was like I gotta send a joke for you. You tell me, when you go to your store you get six of them instead of shit. And I'm like what the fuck are you talking about? And after the show everyone's like bob, you handled that so well and I was like I think I just let her have her moment.

Speaker 1:

And then she realized it wasn't good and I was like okay, and all I did was say thank you and I took the microphone back and everyone was like why weren't you like mean to her? And I because here's the thing because I was like I don't think I mean she's obviously might not be in her right mind, but when you have a homeless person come on stage, it's like it's I. I honestly will take a homeless person come on stage and a couple that the guy is feeling a little frisky and and you're in the middle of something and there's like a pause that you put there because you think it's for effect. And as soon as you pause, they're like don't joke. And you're like, okay, I'll fuck it, I'll make you homeless right now, I will make you feel emotionally homeless. You dipshit, and then you kind of realize you've got to calm down. But luckily that didn't happen. I just was like, and then it, you know, and then you kind of realize you got to calm down, uh, but luckily that didn't happen.

Speaker 1:

I just was like, and I, and then they're like what do you think happened? I think and this is what I think happened. I think that everyone was having so much fun at this show because it was so cold and everyone was like everyone stayed, everyone was having so much fun. It was like an outdoor show. And then she walks on stage and I was like I think what happened is everyone was having so much fun because I won them over. We're all having fun, we're being very silly.

Speaker 1:

I was talking about having cockroaches in my apartment and they loved that, and and then she runs on stage and I was like I think she probably just felt like, if anything, it's a compliment. She was probably feeling pulled in by the moment, like she was watching the show and she's like I want to be a part of that. And then she grabbed it and she was like she was homeless. So she's like a bunch of us other comics just trying to figure it out and in two weeks she might be passed at all of the comedy clubs. Good for her. I hope everything works out for her and I do hope that she gets some ChapStick, because it's a hot one out there, at least in Austin it gets hot, and then it's cold and then it's yes and then it's no, and then you're in and you're out, you're up and you're down.

Speaker 1:

The homeless person, so you can, because you hop and you go, yes, and you know the homeless person rips out the microphone. They say the audience says, oh my God, and then you're a professional, you just take it and make sure they get arrested. No, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding, just being a silly, goofy goober, gab, that's all I know, that's all I really know how to be, that's all I really know how to do. But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the homeless person, that was neat.

Speaker 1:

And then there is an interesting thing when you go to park, park, we all park under the bridge and then we'll go to like 6th street. 7th street, that's where all the comedy clubs are in austin, and you park under this bridge, it's free, but there there's also a home we have like there's a lot more home because in st louis there are homeless people, but it's not. It's just not as, it's just not as many as I've seen here and it's's sad, it is sad to see, uh, but when you go to park at this place, you'll see a bunch of homeless people come out and then they direct you as if they're gonna like park your car and you would never, ever let them do that. But every once in a while we do like I've tipped them, I've like I've gotten out, I'm like here's a couple of bucks Cause I've seen them use the shitter, which isn't the shitter, which isn't the shitter, it's just the parking lot. I've seen someone, like a homeless person, look at me and then go and then squat between two cars and then and just expected me to sit there, just be like like I was just hello, I'm just gonna respect the game, being a gentleman, you know, and uh, yeah, and so I'll tip them every once in a while because I just I don't want them to shit next to my car. That's what I'm hoping. I'm hoping to give some money. And then they're like, hey, no, no, please, no, please, liz, don't, fucking don't shit over there, we're all gonna go shit by. That other car of the guy didn't tip so, but they are. I will say there are.

Speaker 1:

There are actually like a lot of like lovely homeless people here too. There were in st louis too. I remember this one homeless guy that would. He would. He would say the exact same thing to you every time. He would walk up to you and go excuse me, please do not beat me up, I am gay. And we were like we weren't going to do that and it definitely not for any reason, definitely not because you're gay. And they go, thank you.

Speaker 1:

And then he would point to a car and then go, this is my car and I need to get it jumped, can you help me with money? And what's crazy is he would always point because it was we were out, but it was like at the improv shop, this comedy club, so we would all park on the street. It was like all the performers, everybody parked on the street and we all knew each other. We kind of knew each other's cars. And I remember he was like, yeah, this is my car and I go this one and I pointed to it and he's like, yes, I go, that's weird, that's my friend melissa's car. He's like that's crazy. I pointed to the wrong car, I meant this one, and I was like, yeah, that's crazy, that's my buddy jake's car. And then he goes all right, I don't need this. And he tells me he doesn't. He's like I don't need that.

Speaker 1:

I, I do love that. I do whenever a homeless person, whenever you leave an interaction, and then you're like, man, that homeless person did make me feel pretty bad and you shouldn't, and we're all. None of us are doing great, but it would suck to live out in the street. So that's why you do try to be kind. But I tell you what I can. I'm right behind you. I am right behind guys, I will see you. That's why I'm being nice, because then, whenever I'm homeless, they'll show me where to shit, where to sleep, and they'll be like and then here's a bed. I'm like I'm already used to not having a bed. They're like what the shit? That's just just how I be, what I do, I gotta.

Speaker 1:

My friends are coming over a little bit. I have to show them. I record a podcast that they'll do two of and then not do it again. It'd be nice to show them. I can already tell I can already tell they're going to get very upset. My buddy gets upset if there's not a beer in front of him immediately. So I can't imagine, whenever I explained to him what an RSS feed is, how his eyes just glaze over. I really can't. Just glaze over, I really can't. But then I'll just give him one of these, give him one of these old condoms and he'll say all right, what was I even mad about? You're not you, unless you use an old condom. My grandpa gave me this and I'm going to, and his grandpa before him.

Speaker 1:

What was the first generation to use condoms? Because I know that they didn't have. Okay, google, when was the first condom invented? Okay, google, what else would they produce? Thank you, whoa. I am so sorry. We all learned that together. What? Who the fuck the rubber one the first time? I feel like that had to be kind of even scary. And they're like and it just covers the tip of your head I'm like there's no way that thing worked. There's absolutely no way that thing worked. So that's crazy. Do we all hear that? You hear that buzz? Is that my roommate shaving his pubes after he jerked off? I mean, it's got to be him, or it's I, it's got to be him, or I'm just shaking internally. Um, but imagine the first guy.

Speaker 1:

They, they said they would use like because I remember they, they have lambskin condoms, but to use intestines like to. There was a guy that saw an intestine and was like hey, babe, come here a second. And then they, he was like I, you know how we have 17 kids. And she's like do I ever do you think that maybe we could do something about this? Maybe you could, instead of I feel like maybe whenever you're gonna come, maybe we could do something about this, maybe you could. Instead of I feel like maybe, whenever you're going to come, maybe you could pull out. And instead he was like that's stupid. Let's take this really, really gross dead thing. I'll put it around my dick, we'll have sex and I'll come in that. And then his wife was like that sounds like an accurate thing to do. At least you're not doing. What the guy down the street is is using the rubber that they're using for those new cars we have. When were cars in? Okay, google, 1886, carl Benz applied for a patent for his vehicle powered by a gas engine. The patent number 37,435, may be regarded as the birth certificate of the automobile.

Speaker 1:

So around the same time that they were inventing condoms, people were like I gotta get my dick around town. That was literally what happened. They literally invented condoms around the 1850s, I think I remember that she said, and then it says 1886. So for about 40 years people were fucking. And then they're like I got to get farther away and have sex. I got to go. Imagine getting like a U-Up. Okay, google, when was the phone invented? I don't know? Yep, so you already condoms before phones. All of our technological advances came from condoms. People are just like wait a second, I don't have to be a dad all the time. Okay, google, I'm not talking to you anymore. Stop talking, god anyway. Yep, that's what happened. They invented cond and then they started calling each other and then they were like okay, I'm on my way, and a guy built a car and then came over in one of those crank up, just coming over to his house. Just like, oh, I can't wait to get over there. Yep, man Sex, it drives everything.

Speaker 1:

It drives literally everything. It drives a car. It drives everything it drives literally everything. It drives a car. The only reason we have cars is so that people could use those lambskin intestines to fuck around town.

Speaker 1:

God damn, I'm so glad I was born not in the 1800s. Ew, what did you use with your wife? Just shut up and try it yourself. Come here, buddy. You have to kill. You have to kill an animal, gut it.

Speaker 1:

And then by that time you're like I am still horny. Imagine how horny you have to be after using the inside of. That's just insane, dude. I can't believe that we used to live in that time. I can't believe that we did. And now we're here and thank god, people think furries are weird. I'll tell you what's weird people using the insides of that just to be like, oh love it, what a good.

Speaker 1:

God damn, I'm so glad my roommate wants to do every loud thing in the apartment right now. I'm gonna make sure he. I love that. I can't wait to afterwards help him with his podcast and while they record, I'll make sure that I'm absolutely, I'm absolutely using a vacuum cleaner. The guy who literally never the fuck cleans is right now got gung ho about cleaning. That's awesome and if you notice, it lasted for 13 seconds. So I'm wondering what happened is? He's probably cleaning up that cum from the bathroom. I can't wait for him to not listen to this episode and know that I was just talking about him the whole time.

Speaker 1:

Oh god damn. Oh god damn, if we're not just the happiest bunch you ever did meet got yelled at by a homeless lady, oh. And then I got my car back from CarMax and after I asked them, I was like, hey, it seems like you guys kind of owe me some fucking car. And they were like, well, we'll pay for the. And then they said we'll pay for the diagnostics and then you pay for everything else. I was like, oh, sick, that's awesome. The car you sold me that I didn't pick, that's been breaking down consistently and now has rust underneath the bottom, everywhere and on the brakes and the rotors and everything you want me to get please. No, yeah, that's normal wear and tear. And I'm like after one and I know there's some car out there, how long? Well, guess what? I don't fucking know that I make people laugh, for I talk to homeless people from the stage and on the street for a living, not a living. I shouldn't say I work for a living. I, I in my for a getting by. That's what I'm doing, just getting by just every hour.

Speaker 1:

You ever hear someone talk about money problems. Like I know I had to take some out of my savings. I'm like you have savings Might. I didn't have savings that I went to go put some in savings and they're like we closed that we could tell you weren't ever going to use that and I was like, well, you might've been right, but I still wanted it.

Speaker 1:

It's like, you know, rich people get to have those houses with two extra brooms that are. They smell weird. They're like so clean and never been used that they smell weird. Those rooms that you open it up and you're like they might as well be like, yeah, you're not supposed to step in here, but abraham lincoln used to stay here. Yes, yeah, uh-huh, all right.

Speaker 1:

And next on the tour, another bedroom we don't use. Yes, and you would wonder why we're so unhappy. It's almost as if we shouldn't spend this much money on a house and working all the time for rooms we don't use. I want that. I want that so fucking bad. Just a room. You just have room to fart in, just to come in and just close. Is that why those rooms smell weird. They clean them but they go in there to fart. So like they clean and fart smell because it doesn't you go in those places, it doesn't make you smell good. It doesn't smell good. Like you go in someone's like extra bedroom and you're just like what do you guys just fuck in here? Do you guys just fuck and then make the bed and then clean? I actually do know people that do that. So I think that is.

Speaker 1:

I'm describing very accurately the American way, how people live, act and believe, at least in this country, should I admit, dude, I'll tell you this. So moved to austin and I voted. I've always thought I was registered to vote and I went to vote and I filled out all the stuff, I got my paper, whatever, and I just got a letter and they're like yeah, we didn't count your vote. Is that fucking? Is that legal? If I'm an american citizen and I have my driver's license, I have everything, I got everything and I said can you not count my fucking ballot? And I know it's passed and I can't do anything. I'm just wondering why you wouldn't count my vote. That doesn't that seem. They're always like all these fake ballots. It's impossible. I couldn't even get a real ballot.

Speaker 1:

And I'm a real. I'm a real boy. My nose starts growing. I mean girl, oh my God, but I, oh my god, but I do, yeah, I'm. I'm lucky now I got a car back. It cost me way too much money. I'm feeling good, I'm just. I just hope I don't make. I just hope I don't go to make a fucking left and then just get side swiped.

Speaker 1:

Can I tell you guys about the other night when my uber driver spoke spanish and I we were getting dropped off at the wrong place because I was like a little short from my house and he'd already grabbed another ride and then I showed him a 20. I was like just down the street and he was like, yeah, and I my high school spanish, kicked in. I was just like I think this is how you say it. I'm like is scared though left, and I'm like the right show. Okay, google, how do you spit? How do you say left and right in Spanish? Yeah, that's what I was trying to say. Okay Google, okay, google. How do you say left in Spanish? Okay, google, what is left in Spanish? In Spanish, okay, google, what is right in Spanish? Okay, google, what is right? What is making a right in Spanish.

Speaker 1:

Fuck, did I just turn my? I think I just made my, I think I just made my Google only speak Spanish? Okay, google, are you, do you only speak Spanish now? Okay, well, I'm just, I just have shit. And now she's insulting me. I don't even know what she's saying. Okay, google, what did you just say to me? And then she's going. I know that she's making fun of me and I can't believe that I did this. All right, great, now I have something to figure out. I tried to learn and then I had to figure this out and I hope I said in Spanish what the fuck, what in the actual fuck? Oh god, I'm not even. What is she saying? Great, can someone please let me know what she's saying? Great, I guess I'm just never gonna know. She's just gonna talk to me and I'll just never, ever know.

Speaker 1:

Okay, google, can you switch back to English? Shit, what? Okay, google, switch your voice back to English. Oh my, I legit don't know what to do. Okay, google, jesus, fucking Christ, I can't. I've really created a monster, not because she speaks, not just because I don't know. I don't know how to fix my, my machine. This is probably why, because people always say I don't respect computers and I'm not like I don't respect ai, and is this what's happening now? They're like we won't even speak the only language he knows, which is poor english. I speak poor english, that's how I speak and now that's just okay, google, switch, your switch to English. I got her back. I got her back, guys. That's the episode. There is, there is miracles, so I'm. I'm glad that just to ask for music on Spotify.

Speaker 1:

I didn't have to learn. I didn't have to learn Spanish because I tried for a couple of years in high school, cause they, you have to take a foreign language, and some of the kids were taking French. It's like what the fuck are you? Cause you want to take one trip. It's like why don't you have you ever met someone who speaks French ever in your fucking life in America? No, you met a handful of people that speak Spanish, quite a lot, actually. Actually, I could learn that. That's the one I tried to learn, but my teachers are fucking not good.

Speaker 1:

She goes, I remember she goes, just so you guys know, this is the last time I'll be speaking english. And we were like no, no, no, stop, stop, no, no. And then she was just like bueno, and we were like, oh, so you'd have a question, and she would answer you in spanish and be like, okay, and I'm just like, and it's like like your math teacher isn't'm just like, and it's like your math teacher isn't just like you come in. She's like this is the last time I'll speak English and she's like one zero, one, zero, one, one, zero one. I'm like don't, no, no, don't speak, don't speak in computer. Please, don't just speak in just binary terms. Just please. Oh God, we're fucked the episode. That's the podcast. Follow us, subscribe. Go check out the merch, come see me live. That's it. Love you. Bye, oh God. Okay, google, you speak English. I guess I'll find out later. Bye.