Discombobulated with Bobby Jaycox

#71 Where My Boys At? | Discombobulated with Bobby Jaycox

• Bobby Jaycox

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Ever found yourself pondering the absurdity of everyday life? Join us for a wild ride as we embrace our inner assholes and laugh at the quirks of being unapologetically human. From the futility of New Year's resolutions to the odd satisfaction of vaping, we take a playful jab at modern life's peculiarities. Somewhere between existential musings and random rants about bartenders and toenails, we find humor in the chaos that everyone faces, nudging you to do the same.

Picture this: you’re in a new town, staring bewildered at a flat tire, and the only friend you can rely on is a local Discount Tire shop. We take you through this unplanned adventure, highlighting the challenges of getting the right tires on short notice and the comedic chaos that ensues in the waiting room. As we juggle ride-sharing and beating the clock to make it to a show, patience becomes more than a virtue—it’s a punchline! With each mishap and small victory, we explore the humor woven into life's everyday trials.

The laughs don’t stop as we navigate the eccentricities of life in Austin, where unexpected encounters with cockroaches and awkward Facebook dating moments abound. Reflecting on the privilege of being exceptionally good-looking, we share tales of unforgettable interactions with stunning show-goers. With gig announcements, humorous anecdotes, and a nod to future escapades, we wrap everything up on a high note. Join us for a fun-filled romp through life's oddities, and engage with our community as we celebrate the chaos together!

Speaker 1:

Be sure to follow Discombobulated on Patreon for as little as $1. For just $1 a month you can get bonus content like this. Make sure you sign up for just $1. $1? That is so cheap. It's the lowest you can bid on. The Price is Right and inflation's not getting this show. We're keeping it at $1. $1, bob, here we go again. Welcome back.

Speaker 1:

Episode who gives a flying fuck of Discombobulated? How have you been? How the fuck how you been? Yeah, Mm-hmm, no shit. That's the way life be sometimes. And then you did Good, because who cares? Yeah, you fucking tell them to fuck off. How's everybody else been? All at once? Cool.

Speaker 1:

So the fact that now we know how 22 people are doing, let's start the podcast. He's got no jokes, he just does a podcast. He doesn't even have notes, he just starts a podcast. What a waste of money. What the fuck is he doing?

Speaker 1:

People have already clicked off. Now that it's just the boys. Now that it's just the boys. Now that it's just the boys. Now that it's just the boys are here. What's up? How you guys doing?

Speaker 1:

And I want to get down to the real boys, so like, if you're a boy but you have all your toenails, could be in a commercial. Turn the podcast off. This one's not for you. I want just. I want just. I want other me's today. That's what I want. I'm going to talk to other me's.

Speaker 1:

So if you don't pick it, you're, if you don't pick from one side of your toenail, side of your toenail, and then, as if you're doing one of those, you ever in one of those like really old bars where someone's like people say shit like I know the bartender, and you're like why is that cool? I know those, I've, I'm that person too. You're like I know the bartender. What get the fucking shit out of here? How did you get us tickets to the alcohol? Um, what the fuck was I talking about? I literally lost my train of thought because I had to be an asshole. I like being an asshole. It's kind of fun, do you know? Because here's what's crazy Is that you won't be an asshole.

Speaker 1:

And then something happens and for a second you're like I don't believe in God, but you do. For a second, you don't believe in God, but you're like I'm alone. You think of something, something's like whatever. You think of a balance beam. Is there a galactic balance? You kind balance. You kind of wonder why was I saying you got another bartender? Okay, can someone rewind that that I don't pay for? Thank you, I'm not even gonna do it in post. If you're waiting for that to happen, sign up for the patreon. For that to happen, sign up for the patreon.

Speaker 1:

But yeah, I don't know, I have been an asshole. Someone like I think I talked about this the other day but someone's like I've never seen bobby, but I was just like I'd like being a nice guy. But sometimes I feel like we're at a point where we're just like I think enough's enough, like we should be a little british, be like I'm bad, you know, get out, get off it or whatever. Just get out of, get on the shit out of here. But yeah, I just and maybe that's just me, maybe I'm getting the new year's blues and I also fucked up my resolution, which I don't ever do. So I didn't fuck it up, I don't do new year's resolutions, because then all you're gonna be doing is buying a vape and wanting to fucking throw it away as soon as you.

Speaker 1:

They're $27 now, and here's what I could have said no, thank you. I could have listened to the thing screaming in my head you're not gonna enjoy it once you get it. But of course I get it and I want it so bad, let me get. Let me try something new. You know what, if I'm gonna spend, let me get blueberry suck my cock. Do you guys have that? Yeah, nope To the left of fuck me forever, I'm gonna.

Speaker 1:

Why do we smoke these? Yeah, fucking kill me. Can I get one of those? Thank you. One of these days I'm gonna buy it unw. Can I get one of those? Thank you. One of these days I'm gonna buy it.

Speaker 1:

Unwrap it, take off that little tip top, fucking, turn it on and then just fucking like a, like a python. I'm just gonna and I'm just gonna eat it. Be like that. There's your fucking nine million puffs. I don't know how it stays that long, don't I? That's the dumbest thing you can do is smoke.

Speaker 1:

I feel like even smokers say that, and then some really nice people who have kids will honestly say it, because people, oh, kids are the best thing. And then honest people are like don't ever have kids. I wasn't even thinking about. I just want to remind you don't ever look at kids, because then they're gonna grow up and vape and then you have to watch them vape and be like I wish you didn't do that. I'm like I wish you didn't have sex with the person you had sex with.

Speaker 1:

Why'd you have to make me? I don't need to be here. I was probably. Where was I before here? You know, we, none of us know where were we. Oh yeah, I was talking about the pull-off tabs earlier. That's what I was fucking talking about, something about the pull-off tabs. You remember, like those things. So if you're a dirty boy, if you grab your nail from one side and fucking to the other and by the time you get to the other side, it's not a rainbow, it's not an even strip, it never is. You don't pull evenly. You don't know. You didn't. Your school didn't have a physics class.

Speaker 1:

You wanted to me llamo Bobby, I am five eight, I am cinco ocho. I am cinco ocho. Soon to find out I am uh, I am cuatro siete. Because your meanest friend, that's a female, will ask if she can can I actually measure you? How tall do you think you are? I'm like I'm five eight. Can I? Can I check that? Sure, and then you find out you're not. And then you're like I got to call my agent, got some bad news Hazel eyes and I'm short as fuck. I'm that guy. Now when I'm I'm on tinder, I gotta I'm gonna, I'll just get off tinder. I date. I date males. Now that's not because I'm short, I just I'm so wrong I might. They're all. They've all seen through it. They've shown up on dates with me.

Speaker 1:

Who's doing that dude? There's a comic from new york. He's fucking doing a joke about he because he I was thinking about this because he just had this he's like I'm five seven from five eight and it's such a difference. And girls talk about it. And he said like fuck, why I can't think of his name. Fuck, he's so funny, god damn it. So I'm not doing his bit. You can check it out, but you can't because I don't know his name. But basically I've been showing up on dates and they're like he's fucking not 5'7", but sometimes I would wear my boots. I used to have boots, I used to wear boots. We all go through phases. No, not cowboy boots, work boots. They had steel toes and made my feet bigger, because my feet are also 5'7", where my boys at, I don't know. I think I'm just.

Speaker 1:

Here's the thing. I think I'm in a mood because I'm finally everything's kind of I'm finally got some resolutions from things that have happened. But I've had a like I've had a flat tire, no heat, um, I got a divorce, and you pick which one's not real, but I did get a divorce. Um, I did get a little bit. I kind of got a divorce from my what did I do? I kind of got a divorce from what's that called my um impulse, because my M I don't know if you've met me, but if you have adhd which I'm pretty sure a doctor told me I had by meeting me and saying it, but if you have it, you know that you lose track of everything you're saying all the time. It's the fucking worst. Why would you ever start a podcast? But so it's like everything I don't know. Anyway, I have adhd. Everything's been stressful and then it's like but now everything's kind of plateauing because here's what happened I had a flat tire, fucking sucked, just I here's. Here's the thing. This episode is probably hopefully sponsored by discount tires, because you fucking owe me tires and um, they uh, yeah, they really discount.

Speaker 1:

Everyone was like I'm new to town and I I had a place in st louis that my buddy david told me about. I was like I got a flat tire and he's like don't go to that where everyone's telling you he's like there's gotta be a place like by your house. And then I just went to like I mean literally like the toughest people. I mean it was so fucking hot outside. I was like are you guys all right? And they all had cigarettes hanging out of their mouth and they were like oh yeah, brother. I was like okay, and they were like I couldn't tell how old they were. If you were like how old were they? I don't know, but they were like kids.

Speaker 1:

I went to high school with like people that are like the fact that I have a flat tire makes me them know. I don't know about cars because if I did, I'd be plugging it at home myself, but some of us have apartments. We don't know about cars Cause if I did, I'd be plugging it at home myself, but some of us have apartments. We don't have a fucking you know. So I got a lift at my apartment. Bring your car over, I'll lift it at my apartment. Yeah, I got my, I got my jacks out at my apartment, combo, yeah, the code to get in and I'm the apartment all the way in the back and you'll see me, I have huge lift jacks.

Speaker 1:

But everyone's like go to discount tire, go to discount tire. So I had a flat tire and here's the here. Okay, I am, I'm gonna, I will fucking be an asshole, but here's the thing I always you gotta start nice, you have nowhere else to start. So I called ahead and I was like hey, I have a show tonight. I need to get my. I had a donut on, but you can't, you shouldn't, drive very far with a donut and I didn't want to drive on the side roads to go do the show. I was like, hey, can you guys give me some tires? So I call and everywhere doesn't have my tire. And then I called Discount Tire and I called this location because the guy said I talked to him, I was goes, I just talked to a guy, we got a bunch of those, and how he said it. I wanted to be like, but again, you start nice, or do we? And I was like, yeah, let me start nice.

Speaker 1:

And so I show up and I get there and I was like I made an appointment Cause I was on the phone with. I was like can I make an appointment? He's like hey, we got one like 5, 15, I was like let's go. So I made the appointment. He's like it won't take longer than an hour unless we have to change anything else, and I was like sick, and he's like or unless there's any problems. I'm like 100, I'm on your side. I'm let's go.

Speaker 1:

So I go to the pay. They make you pay ahead of time. That's fuck, that's fucked up. That's that's fucked up. That's that's fucked up. That is fucking fucked up. So I pay ahead of time Cause I'm fucking fucked up. And what am I going to do? Good, no, I'm being. You start, not, you all start, nice, we all went to Catholic school and got fucking father, son. Holy shit, being nice. And you'll, it'll suck every time you go to get your oil change.

Speaker 1:

And I know there's people out there that might be like you got to do it yourself. They're not listening to this podcast. That's not. This isn't for them. So, um, I bring it the fucking thing in and there's like a screen in front of you. They show you everything and they're like hey, can we sell you a thing on this? And I even was like I even let him give me this. I was like what is it? And he tells me was like I'm like a huge piece of shit. I don't think that works. Sorry, I'm going to pass. He was okay and I was like so it'll be done in about an hour. He's like like about an hour. I'm like that's a hey, I'm, I'm just asking again. He's like I was going to talk to you on the phone.

Speaker 1:

I was like made an appointment, other people are in line and everyone's going around. I see everyone moving and I'm doing shit on my phone. I got business to attend to. So I'm like swiping left and right on tinder and I'm being like I'm sorry, I'm actually five.

Speaker 1:

And so then eventually I look out my car is parked in the parking lot and it's been about an hour and so I was like oh it's, I go look. And I'm like, oh, it's ready. So I go up there and the guy's hey, and he's talking to someone else and he goes yeah, your car's not ready yet. And I go no, no, no, I know, I go. I just I get it, I go. I just saw it in the parking lot. And he goes what?

Speaker 1:

And as soon as he did that, I was like no, no, because I have to, I have to get to my show and I told them. I was like I will be on time because of how time works, and I'm like I'm not going to pay a fucking it's. I'm in, I'm south, it's all the way north Austin, I'm not fucking doing that. So, dude, I made it. This is crazy, an asshole. And then how are they going to resolve? So, if you don't want to listen to the story, do you want me to be an asshole or to tell you these stories? Something you got to think about. You know, if this is, this isn't just about me. I'm not. I'm having empathy towards you.

Speaker 1:

In the podcast, what kind of energy do you want? On the podcast, you want a guy talking about fucking discount tires. Is that what you want? Where my boys at, so, um, where my boys in the galaxy at. When you have fans, those are everyone in the galaxy that loves you. Isn't that crazy? There's definitely aliens out there, though let's not get sidetracked, so so, so, so, so you can watch them anyway. Um, what the fuck was I yelling about? Um, I was just mad. But and so there I'm. I was like, hey, the car's out there, and then he goes in the back and I here's the thing I've.

Speaker 1:

I've worked a lot of jobs. I, as most people have. I've worked in the restaurant, I've worked around different kinds of guys you work at. When you know what I mean, you work all these kind of guys. I have had a lot of guys, friends, people, I all so many kinds of people and when you work on cars is very specific kind of way they talk to you.

Speaker 1:

There's like they're like you're an idiot because you can't do this. You know, that's what I was talking about with the other tire place, but this one's crazy. Who cares? It's called discombobulated. I'm just staying on brand, but like they give you that look like you're, like you don't know about cars. I'm like that's why I walked in the door. You know like I'm not like whenever I like when I do a comedy show, people walk in and I'm you're not funny right away. Actually, that's what's crazy, though People there think that they are funny, so it's a terrible example.

Speaker 1:

And so the guy goes in the back and he had like they got that face where I can see him talking and he like relaxed his shoulder a lot and leaned back and the guy he was talking to like he couldn't have more, like he was trying to get far away, but he was also standing his ground. It's a very alpha male thing to do. Where you stand like this, then look at someone like this and then at one point you tell that no one would stand like this and he should be looking around. But the guy's hiding behind fucking tires and he goes. Hey, listen, man.

Speaker 1:

So we like really fucked up with this guy and they told me like we don't have your tires and I was like then why did I call ahead of time? He's like I get it right, agree, and I'll be completely honest, he, for no reason, he goes. We just gave you another tire and I was like you know what, awesome. And he's like it's gonna take some time to change it. And then they changed it and I was like all right, I'll see you later. And he goes, just so you know it's the wrong side, and I go like this.

Speaker 1:

And he started giving me that guy. I think he gave me the guy thing. He goes. But listen, they're allowed to be that much off, which I'm sure they are, but I don't need two because you fucked up. Why are you giving me two tires? Why don't you give me the fucking right tire? Why don't you drive me to the show, because that would be crazy, I know. But if I'm not an asshole, this happens. Isn't that crazy? I didn't have heat and then I was an asshole and guess what? I have Heat. I then I was an asshole and guess what? I have heat. I sound like fucking Jim Carrey and Dick and Jane. I got all of a sudden I went out and cut other people's lawns up and fucking brought it to my house. But it's a different age, it's 2025. I don't even know what I mean by that.

Speaker 1:

I get all riled up and I'm kind of like I feel like I get riled up like a dog um, not like the one, like not like the Joker analogy where's like I a dog chasing car. I just kind of get riled up in my own home and then eventually I'm like what am I doing? Why don't you go eat and see how you feel? Why don't you go have a sandwich and see if you're still fucking, completely screaming pissed? But it got all worked out. You know, because I called them and they were like that's insane, all worked out. You know, because I called them and they were like that's insane, that shouldn't have happened. I was like I agree, let's do some business. Because I felt bad.

Speaker 1:

Because here's the thing I never want to get someone in trouble, so I never bring up other people because I know everyone has jobs. I lie at my job. You're allowed to lie at your job. I'm not going to get, I'm not trying to get you in't like driving and being like. I want the right tires, you know, and I called for the right tire. So if you lied, he lied to me first.

Speaker 1:

That's what's crazy is someone will sound like an asshole and people don't like that. But I heard a video the other day where guys like assholes is how everything got, that's how this country started. Is people being like I don't fucking like you tax enough? So if you're like, I feel like I'm being a bit much, be a bit much. Where my boy's at Until the day, I cry in public. You guys said you weren't giving me time. That's the thing is I get stressed, but at least I'm not that guy. I'll be an asshole and be calm. I was calm with him. You could watch the tape, pull it up, but I was like listen, ma'am. And this is what pissed me off.

Speaker 1:

Whenever I left him, I was like hey, ma'am, just why would you lie about the tires? And he just like looked at me and I was like I didn't, just don't lie about the tires. And he did that thing and he's like dang, it's like you're just gonna get wrong time. You gotta get a quota, you gotta get people in, you gotta figure out the wrong size tire. But just why do people? Why do all these places have to suck? And if they're gonna, then let's all suck. If we're gonna, let's 69 this bitch together and all suck at once. Right, and if you're wondering, I always click no, this video is not made for kids, can't find this on youtube and soon adults won't be. I tried to. I tried to fucking listen to a podcast and I literally had to like show my fucking alexa, my fucking id. I had to sign into that. And then it was like were you trying to jerk off? I'm like, ever since I moved to fucking Texas, yeah, oh man.

Speaker 1:

Was there anything worse than me being tired from moving and then just being a guy where my boy's at and then going to use the internet and being like wait, what's going on? I wouldn't say it's my favorite website. I would say it's a website I use the internet and being like wait, what's going on? I wouldn't say it's my favorite website. I would say it's the website I use the most often.

Speaker 1:

And what's crazy is I have a friend who I grew up with. I haven't talked to him forever but it's like one of those things. It's like we're not not friends, but he's like literally a pastor and we have the complete opposite jobs. Like I make jokes about jerking off and 100%. He's like come down and see my church. I love you.

Speaker 1:

I have problems with jerking off too. And he says that and I'm like, and I like the honesty, but that's like, that's just something I'm not going to talk to anybody about. Like I would just figure that problem out. It's not like an AA meeting for me. That problem out. It's not like an AA meeting for me. Hey, hey, and maybe you really have a problem. Go figure that out and if you can, you figured out it. Okay, google. What's the number of people need help with sex?

Speaker 1:

On the website myclevelandclinicorg, they say sexual dysfunction affects between 30% and 40% of people at some point in their lives. Affects between 30% and 40% of people at some point in their lives. Okay, it's a way to bring the podcast down. I'll literally be like. I'll be like what's the temperature in Austin? She's like I'm sorry, I didn't understand. I'm like can you bum out the podcast? She's like no, here's sexual assault case. Do you want a bit more information? Anyway, oh my god, 2025, new me, which, which is very similar, god damn. Um, but yeah, you moved to tex and you want to. You want to, you know, and but honestly, yeah, it's now, it's cured. I don't even I don't even do that anymore. Weird, just stop. Cold, bobby, as cold as you could get. Um, but got heat now, which is nice, we got my, we got there's like a lot of other problems that we got figured out, and guess what most of them were me. By the time that the apartment complex got back to me, they go, hey, we can't wait to stop by. We're so sorry this happened. We should actually have a meeting. I'm like, oh, more of my I'm being an asshole where my boys. So we get it all figured out.

Speaker 1:

Like I literally have people messaging me just being like how's austin? And I'm literally standing in backed up water and a cockroach comes out and they're all like, let's fucking go. And I'm like, oh, my god. And then I go check facebook and I just I like match with fucking go. And I'm like, oh my god. And then I go check facebook and I just I like match with my fucking aunt. I'm like, oh my god, I'm like on. I'm like on facebook dating. I'm like my aunt wants to date me. Fucking sick, fuck, lost all.

Speaker 1:

So the rich and the famous they're always complaining, all right, um, but yeah, they came over and I was like they're like hey, where's all the backed up water? I go, oh well, it had been a while while we were trying to figure this out, and then they start doing that thing where they're an asshole to you. But here's what's crazy you go to like this, so you get this look, you get this look. If you go to like a like, you get the lean back thing. If you go to like like real tough guy place, but then guys who like are like property managers and stuff like that, you get a very different one. They have sunglasses on and they like they. They literally stand like a mannequin, like they have one mo, and they go listen, I want to help you, I want to help you too.

Speaker 1:

I understand that this is very upsetting and I understand this. I'm like, yeah, not having eat, and they go and they'll like, start swallowing more than a human being swallows the big. This is very upsetting and I understand this. And I'm like, yeah, not having eaten, and they go and they'll like, start swallowing more than a human being swallows. I'll be like I also want you to have heat, and it's like I know you have a job. Can we just fucking stop with being nice and I don't mean not being kind, you can still be kind, let's all be kind but those niceness, but I'm going to do it. I just know I'm going to as soon as sorry, I just I know we all do it. It's like we're fucking so wired that way, god, you ever meet some, the only people who get to do like. I feel like and sorry, I'm saying this is just like if you don't, you don't follow, you don't even know what I'm talking about. Like we're like sorry, like hot people are just like what? Oh, I didn't, I didn't hit her with my car. Is my car okay, dude, there's I.

Speaker 1:

I don't know if I've talked about this on the podcast, but I did a show where, like these, this couple was so hot that at one point during my set. I just was like you guys are so hot. And they like looked at each other. They kind of like smiled because it's like. They were like yeah, we know. And then I was like where are you guys from? Or I said something to him.

Speaker 1:

I said I was like what's your name? I said something like to him and he was like, and they looked at each other and I go, what I go, are you so good looking? You, I go, are you so good looking? You haven't been asked your name. He's like my name. He's like the opposite of Gollum. He's now so good looking. He's like my name. No one said my name. Everyone just opens doors. Like I feel like once you get so good looking and he didn't know and I go okay, what's your name? And then she looked at him and I go, do either of you speak? And then they both did this and didn't laugh. And I go do you guys have voice box?

Speaker 1:

Like I literally was so blown away by these people and so, yeah, if you're really hot, you don't ever have to be like sorry or be nice. And those people are always like, like, whenever they're like fuck that person, I'm like, I know, but they're like they're driving our uber. Let's just like. That's not like every. We're just like let's get through this and then if you're really hot, you kind of don't. There's like other categories of people, but it's not everyone I know. I don't think it's as exclusive as like.

Speaker 1:

I've definitely been in like like we were in an uber in la with my buddy and his wife, and his wife is so beautiful and she was literally like I thought she was gonna. She wasn't from this country and I thought she was gonna. She lived, she's, she's, it's I'm not you know what I mean like, but she's like like how she talks, isn't she? So, she, I thought she's gonna smack him in the head and if she would have, they would have gotten away with it, and I literally have to be like um, can you? You're going completely the wrong way. I hate this guy, but what else is going on in the news? Um, oh, dude, I'll fuck. I'll tell you this.

Speaker 1:

I'm fucking headlining at the velveta room, june 6th and 7th, bobby, that's so far away. Yeah, that's why I'm letting you know now. Don't do that thing where you're like well, you didn't know you're gonna. I'm that's, I'm gonna be in austin. Oh, bobby, I live in st fucking. Come fly here, bitch.

Speaker 1:

And then later this week I might have more shows to announce, but I can't say that for sure because things get changed all the time. I don't want you to get too excited, but I got excited. I got so excited, my fucking sunglasses flew off. These are not practical sunglasses, I just want you guys to know One you got at the dollar store. Yeah, you could never wear these. If I was actually Tom Cruise, these would fly off my fucking motorcycle. My hair would get all displaced. But, yeah, come out and see me at the valvita room. And then we got other shows coming up and, um, yeah, I'm very excited. Oh, and then this will come out. This will be if it's out by wednesday. It should be out it's Tuesday, but by Wednesday at. Okay, google, what's the date today? It's Tuesday, january 14th 2025.

Speaker 1:

On January 15th, I will be at Cap City. I always want to say so, and so, cap City, I will be doing Track Stars. What is that? Is that running? No, we're recording something for SiriusXM. So get your fucking asses out there, because if I do good, then I get to have SiriusXM and I really want it and I want you to come out and see that. I want you all to have a good time and to see a show and come out to Cap City and come out to all comedy clubs and come out and see me, because so you gotta come to the shows. So I don't have to, because I want you guys to be there. I want to be, yeah, I want you guys to. I want to see you guys at the shows. So I don't have to. I don't want to do that. I want to have sold out shows for the rest of my life.

Speaker 1:

Well, why don't you work a little bit harder? You fucking shut the fuck up. If you're judging, go to church with your ass One of my boys that go to church and trying to stop yoinking it. If you're trying to yoink it and you're a boy, this episode's for you. This episode's sponsored by Blue Chew. Get as hard as fucking shit as you can and then don't jerk off. You show your body who's boss Give yourself. Take your balls back this spring and get ready for the summer and Blue Balls it up. Use code Bobby at checkout when you're buying your blue chew to just have a boner and just look at it and be like you're not a boss of me. You don't own me and I don't own you. We're one body.

Speaker 1:

Why would I argue with myself and as you say that you'll be looking at your thing because you took a blue chew and you're hard as fucking hell? Does it make you horny or are you just hard? I've never taken one. I'm not bragging. I also have never like I don't know. I've always been scared.

Speaker 1:

There was a kid at our high school that would take it all the time and by the time we were done with high school he said his dick didn't work and that scared me and that scared me a lot. And now he homes he would eat out of a trash can. He would eat out of it. We would all be like are you eating? He's like isn't it funny? And I'm like okay, you could buy a home from him. You could be like I just bought a home and the guy who sold it to you ate out of a high school trash can, like a big, wide, not his home trash can. Not like that episode of like seinfeld, where it's like it was on top. Hey, whatever, this is a trash can in a high school this guy would eat out of. He got his realtor's license and when someone has built up enough credit to buy a house and it's like one of the biggest decisions of your life. This guy is in a suit I'm fucking assuming signing papers for you.

Speaker 1:

A guy who took so many Viagra his penis stopped working. You could be like, can you get me a better rate? And he's like, oh yeah, dude, fucking so many people I knew if I honestly I don't honestly know, seeing everyone I know who's become a realtor, I'm never buying a house. I don't trust you fucks. I bet you fucking the house before we get it. I know you. I used to drive you guys home from fucking volleyball practice. I know you fucks. I bet you fuck in the house before we get it. I know you. I used to drive you guys home from fucking volleyball practice. I know you fucks. I know who you are. I know deep down who you are.

Speaker 1:

While you're showing someone a kitchen a fucking kitchen. While you're like, and you learned backsplash, the thing you used to piss on at parties, the thing you'd be like, look, I got it so far my dick can't get hard, but if I pinch it I can piss onto the backsplash. You're probably. You're probably because you are also a realtor in there you grew up in and I don't hate this person. This is just what's happening. This is their. I'm just this.

Speaker 1:

If anything, they should be happy, and so they'll. They probably sold a house that they pissed on the backsplash, they and they're like it's a great house, and the whole time they're like dude. I can't believe. I'm sad. They're like call their buddy, he has a different voice. He's like he's also selling a house. He's like dude. You're not going to believe this. We just fucked in the house. Oh yeah, please come pick me up. I'm making fun of them. I'm renting a house and fucking following my dream. They're, they're don't. Don't let me shit on you. You're the. You're the winners.

Speaker 1:

You ate out of a. You started from the bottom and now you're here. Who am I to say? Say what you can say what you need to say. And I'm honestly, I'm glad I just listened. I'm glad when he was like about to eat out of the trash, I wasn't like stop it. I'm glad, I just watched.

Speaker 1:

What else could you do in high school? A couple of times you would stand up or you do this. That was like the. It's like the last time you stood up for anything, probably in high school, when it was like easy, when you're like I don't care if people suck, I don't care if a guy's selling a real estate and he can't have a boner anymore, do you want to buy your house from someone who can't have a boner? And here's the thing. I'm sure that they got it. I'm sure that they put in the code for Bluetooth and got some Bluetooth and now they're like this rules. So you guys could do that too if you want. There's no rule. There's fucking no rules on life, except for the ones you got to follow. You know, don't hurt people, but other than you can eat out of the trash can and sell houses. They don't even talk about that. I want to be a president. How about that one? Do that one? You know? Yeah, ain't out of the track.

Speaker 1:

Like there's a picture of elon musk where he's like staring at a shoe on the ground someone shared the other day maybe it's ai, I thought it was real, I don't know. He's like staring at a shoe or like a pile of shit or something, I don't, or no. Maybe I think I noticed he had nikes on. That's what I noticed, because, like, I did look at it. Like what kind of shoes, and I'm not even a shoe, I just so he's. But he's like staring at a pile of shit or something and it's like imagine, like starting from here, like there were probably people that were like dude elon ate out of the fucking garbage and now look at him, so don't, if anything, it's a, it's a it's.

Speaker 1:

Everyone should really follow their dreams and don't let anything get you down. Some people will be like, oh my God, that one time. You remember when someone pantsed me but I still had my underwear on and they still think about that. Yeah, you know what? Get a fucking billboard and start selling houses. That'll make you feel a lot better. Sell people. I'm sure they're doing terrible. You're helping people get a home, but you know that, no matter what happens to them, you don't give a fuck because you're getting that fucking portion of the sale. Yeah, yeah, I pissed on the backsplash. Yes, I've fucking thrown up in that toilet, but I'm not going to tell you that. I am going to point out how your kids can run around in the backyard that I remember. I got in a fist fight with my older brother in and there was blood everywhere and, if you wouldn't mind, you have to print and then sign your name and you both have to do it and I'd like you to hurry because I have to get to happy hour, like fucking yesterday.

Speaker 1:

So that's the podcast. I love you, kisses. Follow Like. Subscribe, do it all. Follow us on the Patreon. Come see me at the Velveta room in the summer, in the summer of 69. But it's 25. Have a good night, bye. Where my boys at. Where my boys at.