Speaker 1: 0:06

And we're rolling. Hey everybody, welcome back to another beautiful oceanic episode of Discombobulated. We are here. We are in Miami Beach, miami, South Beach, florida. We are on the road. I'm on the road with Cactus Tate. We just did shows last night and we will be on the road. You can see all of that at my website or her website, but I really shouldn't spend too much time talking about it, because we are in Miami, beautiful Miami, where the grass is green and the rain is about to come in pretty fucking hard.

Speaker 1: 0:47

You got people getting in full clothes. Is that guy in a fucking t-shirt? Oh, he's probably got one of those swim shirts on. He's probably got one of those. Yeah, it keeps me warm. Yeah, it keeps me warm.

Speaker 1: 0:58

When I want to jump in, I'm like then just don't jump in. He's like I have to jump in. All right, I got in a little bit ago just with my tootsies and it's not bad. I wouldn't want to jump all the way in because then you'd have to be cold and sandy. I already got sand in my microphone and I just looked down and I was having so much goddamn fun when I got here that I just like got down. I was like ha ha, sand. And I was like I didn't bring a towel. I didn't bring, uh, I haphazardly went to the beach. You know, the worst way to go to the beach is to just be like I got it. And then you go and then you're like fuck, forgot flip flops. And then it's raining. So then you know you got I have to do that thing where I'm like, like if it's raining. So then you know, you gotta, I have to do that thing where I'm like, like if it was raining this amount any other time I'd be like I'll probably not go to the beach or to a lake or to a body of water or anywhere else. But because you barely get to go to the coast as a little bitch boy like me, you're like it rains and you're like it rains and you're like that's fine. I have sand all over me. I'm like that's fine. And as soon as I end this, the amount of times I'm going to be like god, fucking damn it. And I just I gotta clean, I gotta clean my cock off covered in sand. Who wants a sandy cock? I'll wait for no one to respond, because no one ain't want that. No one wants that. Sandy Coccarino.

Speaker 1: 2:30

God, I love watching people walk on the beach because you have, like, it's a pretty standard you'll be like there's like a family, and then there's a couple and right now there's a person walking towards me and they're by themselves. A person walking towards me and they're by themselves and they're like me and I'm that one, I'm that one. They're looking at the ocean like where the fucking shit did it all go wrong? Just like, squinting, being like, is my answer on the horizon? No, no one likes me. I can't really get along with everybody. Let me see if the answers are.

Speaker 1: 3:07

At the Miami Beach, florida, the ocean beach, oh my God. And there's a guy swimming out there. He's just swimming Just slow, just in the ocean. That's got to be so nice, dude, to be able to work out at the beach every day. I say that, but there's stuff that I could also do every day.

Speaker 1: 3:35

That was the lady I was talking about right there. You can see her walking past me. Oh, she's taking another gander. That's what I do. I'm not making fun of her. I I'm not making fun of her, I'm making fun of us. And how I'm making fun of us is like a collective. That's funny to me. If you're not watching on video. You're missing out, because I pretend to fucking cold stone, creamer ear or whatever. I try to boom.

Speaker 1: 4:04

And then you got people running on the beach. Man beach running. That's probably the hardest beach. That's probably the hardest way to run is on the beach or the anyway is just in general, any way to run kind of is not very good. I'm so glad this isn't an ASMR episode where I'm just like do you hear that? That's the sound of the beach. And now we have a lady running by that doesn't seem as if she's running. She actually seems like as if she's like late for something. Oh, she stopped running now. Okay, yeah, she wasn't running like with tennis shoes on.

Speaker 1: 4:41

I don't know why I'm looking at everybody. That's what I do when I go out of town is I judge everyone else doesn't running like with tennis shoes on. I don't know why I'm looking at everybody. That's what I do when I go out of town, is I judge everyone else and I just pissed in public. I had to, I had to.

Speaker 1: 4:55

Okay, what's the other option? You come to the beach, you look around forever. You're like is there a bathroom? You start asking if there's a bathroom, and so you're like okay, and then you're like you want to go into a bathroom but they locked everything because since they put out Miami Vice, people just are. I mean, everything's rude. I'm waiting for a car to just be driving down the beach and just kill everybody, because that's what I used to do on Miami Vice.

Speaker 1: 5:25

But anyway, I had to take a piss outside, which is not a great place to take a piss if you're a guy or girl. But I was outside and I was like I'm going to go out to the beach and I'll do my podcast, and I was like, well, I for sure have to piss. And then I looked around and there were empty bottles and none of them were the size of my fucking cock. I couldn't piss in any of these without having an accident. And we are driving for a couple more days. We can't, and I don't think there's nowhere to get, there's no place that cleans piss out of your car. There's nowhere you can get a fucking strap on dildo that has like every president's face on it sent to your house by the morn. But you can't get what I just said, which I forgot because we're trying to figure out.

Speaker 1: 6:22

It's starting to rain and I'm actually kind of getting a little nervous. I'm like how wet can all my electronics get? Huh, you going to try to stop me, seagull? Wait, you can get a dildo with the president and send it to your house. But what can't you get, bobby? What were you just saying? What you can't get is caught pissing in public. Man, I really lost that one.

Speaker 1: 6:46

But I really, yeah, I was just going to piss and like, everywhere you go, you can't piss outside. Oh, that's what I was going to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can't. You can get a dildo sent to your house, which is funny. But then you got to, I have to piss outside.

Speaker 1: 6:59

And I was like, if I, there's no other options. I can't piss in a bottle, there's nowhere to piss, there's no answers to piss. You're just in a country, you just live in a country where they're just like you figure, yeah, land of the free home of, figure out where you're going to take a piss and shit, buckaroo. Yeah, there's people walking up on me, I'm judging them and they're like, well, who's this guy who looks like he's about to start, and only fans and start putting that microphone in his pussy? Oh, she was a little too close to the water and that wave got her. Don't look at me. I. I wonder how much they can hear me. Yeah, I didn't win. Yeah, definitely I was nominated for the. Yeah, I didn't win. Yeah, definitely, I was nominated for the Grammy, but I didn't win the Grammy, you know, and sometimes that's what's hard about the Grammys, you know. But at least I got to come to Miami's after the Grammys.

Speaker 2: 7:58

Potty in the city where the heat is on. On that on the beach in the break of dawn I'm going to Miami.

Speaker 1: 8:03

It's raining in Miami.

Speaker 2: 8:05

Potty in the city where the rain is gone. I'm just kidding. No, the rain is here.

Speaker 1: 8:09

Good thing it's not. It could be worse. It could be worse. It could be worse. It could be way worse. We could be in Southern Illinois right now. We could be in Connecticut, connecticut. I don't want to be there. I'd rather be in rain in Miami, but I do I did.

Speaker 1: 8:35

I woke up this morning. I tried to get Tatum to come with me. I was like hey, do you want to go to the beach? Cause she texted me. She's like hey, I'm up. You know, we're talking about maybe getting breakfast or whatever. I was like well, I don't have that in me. I literally woke up. I wanted to see the sunrise here, but it was cloudy anyway. So good thing I fucking didn't. I would have been pissed. I came here and I was like you want to go to the beach? She was like no. And then I was like oh, she's probably just like joking, fucking joking. She goes. No, I really don't like. Joke, fucking joking. She goes. No, I really don't want to go to the beach. I go how do you? Why wouldn't you want to go to the beach? And she's like I'm tired, I'm going to go back to bed and we have time to kill, and I'm like no-transcript.

Speaker 1: 9:36

The Gulf of America before. I like that. People are like reporting that because it is so. I was trying to write a bit on it and then you sleep on it for a second. You wake up the next day and everyone has that idea. They're like, well, what was the name the ocean was given to at birth? And it's like, you know, I'm like that's so fucking, that's hilarious. But she didn't want to come. She didn't want to come see. I can't believe she didn't want to come see the storm. God damn, are those clouds getting darker. That's every color blue out there.

Speaker 1: 10:06

Probably not to you guys because it's an iPhone, but it's not the newest iPhone. I think you guys are seeing every goddamn blue God's ever created, except for Detroit Lion Blue or whatever. It's hard, sorry. I am all over the place but it keeps raining monumentally more and I'm like are we going to get an episode in this seagull's going to land on me? Thing was fucking lower than it looked. I think seagulls, I think seagull's gonna land on me thing was fucking lower than it looked. I think singles, singles, I think seagulls fucking with us.

Speaker 1: 10:38

Um, but yeah, tatum didn't want to come and I'm like what? It's the fucking beach dude? And she's like, yeah, I just, I'm okay, I'm gonna go back to. She's like I'm gonna go back to bed. I was like I, I didn't, and so I just I headed to mi Miami and it was a beautiful drive. It's so pretty here, um, but at least she's not getting rained on. So it's like you know, which one do you want? I guess it's hard to say. It's really hard to say sometimes which one you want, because I thought I wanted this and now I'm here and I'm like fuck, I got sand on me, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. There's a guy that just walked by. I'm like you want to be on my podcast.

Speaker 1: 11:21

I died three times, once on the table. Yeah, I was there and I fucking legally died. Do you see anything? Darkness With a bit of white around the edge. It's fucking raining. But yeah, we are in Miami. Last night we were at the Miami Improv and that club sincerely rules. They took awesome care of us. Shout out to Justin, art, alex.

Speaker 1: 11:50

I'm going to forget a bunch of other people's names, but we met a lot of people. Everyone was very, very grateful to us. We met a guy named Garth. Garth was cool. He had a middle name and my middle name's Shrek and I was like that's cool. And then we were like can we call you Shrek? He was like absolutely not. And he was like I felt bad because he was one of those guys. He was like I felt bad because he was one of those guys. He was like that life, that movie ruined my life. People fuck with me. Like I'll be like. My name is Bobby and they'll say from like King of the Hill, be like, damn it, bobby. And I'm not like. But some people don't like. He's literally like. He's like and I'm like. I guess I get that. I guess I get that buckaroo. But the shows were, oh, it's shows. We had one show. We went the night before to go watch a show, but the show was very fun. We had a blast.

Speaker 1: 12:44

Tatum's working on a new hour. That was fun to see her fucking bomb no, I'm just kidding, she did great. She was the one I'm saying that because she kept being hard on herself he did great. She's like I don't know about that. I'm like, well, who cares? Did you record it? She's like no, I did forget to record it. I'm like, well, that's very helpful, you know. At least you don't have the recording anymore, cause now you know that'll be good. Oh, I swear, I say that and then I'm like going to end up. I'm like, oh, and I'm not recording. Um, but no, I do love her and she's fucking killing it. I'm like I'm very happy that she takes me on the road, no-transcript.

Speaker 1: 13:27

So I went and got that stuff done for her so she could focus on all the stuff that she had to do, because I'm like it can't be an easy task flipping an hour like she is, because she's going to be off soon, because it's getting fucking pretty wet, I think all this stuff that I have can handle the. You guys want to see how you guys can handle the wet. If you can't handle the heat, get the fuck out of my cookie jar. Oh, what are you doing over here, seagull? But no, miami was fun, and then we were last night. We wanted to go out. We were like, let's go downtown to miami, let's go to.

Speaker 2: 14:05

Maybe let's go downtown to miami partying city with the city's on the city, on the city and city's gone. I'm going to miami. Shit. We're fucking in miami partying city with the heat is on all night on the breeze and I break it on how hard is it gonna rain fucking pretty hard it did did say 100% chance of raining, so I guess it's kind of my fault.

Speaker 1: 14:29

Is this my fault? I did this. Uh-oh, it's starting to go. Fuck it, I don't care, I don't do. We've been wet before. Is anything important going to get wet? Yeah, all of my electronics. So close it like that. And now we're golden as a fucking golden bitch.

Speaker 2: 14:52

We're fucking golden.

Speaker 1: 14:56

Um, well, dude, there was I'll tell you this about the club last night. They were so nice they were, they were gonna like kick a lady out and then I was like I guess she's not like being that bad, but she was like she wasn't messing with the show, she was just like like too so into the show, like she did one of those things where she was like like after one of my jokes she was like, and I'm like, okay, that joke's not that good, you know. I mean, it's like if you're at sex or something like, oh, and you're like this isn't that kind of penis. I don't have one of those. I have one of those, I have one, but I don't have one of those. I don't have one of the ones that could be that out there, the ocean, I got one of those that's like a gulf. You think it's a big one, but it's actually a gulf, it's not an ocean. If you want that, you're going to have to fucking date a different guy. You're going to have to. We're going to need a bigger cock.

Speaker 1: 15:57

So, yeah, she was just so loud she couldn't stop yelling. She couldn't, she couldn't. She started yelling and then she got like someone was like please be quiet. And that didn't make her quiet. So you're like I guess she authentically means it. I guess that's just how loud. I guess that's just how loud a person how she's going to be. Oh my God, is that a legitimate crab? No, I think it's seaweed. I thought I was seeing like. I thought I was seeing like.

Speaker 1: 16:37

I was going to start singing songs with Ariel, but it is just seaweed.

Speaker 2: 16:42

I cannot be more tired. I think seaweed is a crap. I look out at the ocean. I want to jump in and never come up for air. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop bop.

Speaker 1: 16:57

I do love that they have buoys out there. I've barely ever seen anyone make it out there. It's like I don't need the buoy to let me know I'm close to dying. God, could you imagine getting caught in one of those undertoes? Caught in the you get caught and you get fucking pulled out, and you were like I was just trying to show off for a girl.

Speaker 1: 17:17

Yeah, I could go all the way out there. And then you went all the way out there. If anything, she should be fucking mega impressed and she should get a boat to come find you. I did one time. It was nighttime and we were in the ocean in atlantic city and I was getting. I was getting pretty far out there. We were very fucked up. I think we were on drugs, I think I think I can't remember because of the drug, and so we were out and I was fucking far and like.

Speaker 1: 17:40

Whenever you see other people like that are adults, be like and they're having fun and they're even doing, and they're like for real man, you got to come back and then they start yelling and then when you get back to like Bobby, for real dude, you can't fucking do that to us, I'm like I know. But then you do get out there and then once you kind of feel like sometimes you will feel like a little bit of the water you're like damn, this thing is powerful. Damn, this thing that I drink every day could fucking kill me if I drink too much of it. Come here, seagull. Hey, little seagull, come here. Yeah, come here, little seagull. Get your little ass over here. We're going to drive north again today, which sucks because it's going to get fucking cold. I don't want the cold, I don't like that. I don't like when it gets cold, I like when it stays hot, I like that heat. I like that heat on me. I like the bust a move and her name was Heat and so we're going to get. It's going to get back to the cold and we are just no good in the cold. We're both way better when we can go outside. You know, you smoke a joint before the show, you smoke a joint after the show. We're not good when you go outside and you smoke and then, like, you get down to half of it and you go, I'm good, I'm going to go inside, you don't even care.

Speaker 1: 19:06

I love cigs. There's nothing better than watching someone rip a cigarette in the cold and they're like. I've done it. But I've never liked cigs as much as like some people. I've known people that have like smoked fucking. They're just like. They're outside and they're like you're going to get frostbite and they're like and they can bite me whenever it wants, but I'm still smoking my Winston. I've never seen someone buy Winston's besides my aunts. Are those even around? Are those around still? Have they redesigned those? What's the new logo for Winston? Are they making new cigarettes? Is that a dumb question? Of course it is, but this is my podcast. Go listen to another one if you want. But are they?

Speaker 1: 20:01

Do they do that like, all right, we have, we haven't seen metallic marbles. They're, when you smoke them, it kind of lights at the end like a pie works like not a lot, but just like a little bit, like like a little sparkler. And then you inhale it and you're like, ooh, that kind of tastes like the Fourth of July, kind of tastes like freedom, you know. So if you want, you can have those, and no one's gonna, you know, no one would ever bat an eye at those. And then people start to come out and they're like those are actually better for you than vapes. And people are like, no, actually the studies came out that this sparkler that I smoke is actually better than the vape I used to smoke. I uh, yeah, I'm gonna be honest with you guys. I fucking slipped. I hit I.

Speaker 1: 20:58

I Tatum had a vape. She was like, fuck it, I'm gonna had a vape. She was like, fuck it, I'm gonna buy a vape. And I was like you should buy that fucking vape, you know. And she was like, are you gonna hit it? I'm like I think I might. She bought two but we had to share cause the one we had was fucking bad dude, it was real bad. I literally hit it and I go you should try that. And she goes, that tastes like my perfume. I was like, yeah, and that's not how you're not, that's not good. And I know that there's someone out there who's listening to this who's never smoked. And they're like then just don't smoke. And I'm like I know, I, I, I. What's crazy is, I agree with you. Uh, are you, are you listening to? Are?

Speaker 2: 21:36

you even listening to me but I, I really didn't.

Speaker 1: 21:40

I woke up today I couldn't stop coughing. I'm like I gotta stop Because it's like we're about to have a class action lawsuit and lose a bunch of people very sued to being like oh yeah, you smoke those vapes too and I'd rather be not dead, right? Am I wrong to think it's good to not die, am I?

Speaker 2: 22:00

wrong to not want to become some of the sand again. Just go back to this, to the nothing. And is that what you want? You want me to switch the podcast to this. That like life, is like sand and the harder you squeeze it.

Speaker 1: 22:16

Actually, the better you could hold on to it. Actually, the harder you squeeze on the stand, the more you fucking it's when you let go. That's bad, because then you lose all your sand. So all those people that say to let go, maybe they're fucking wrong and maybe you got to hold on to your fucking sand. You grab your sand and you fucking hold it for all it's got. Oh, you look at those sand muscles. Oh, sorry, not trying to brag, but most of those are those in those that you're looking at in my arm. Those are metal rods. Most of my arm is not my arm, no, it actually is, but there's a bunch of rods in there. Because I fucking had to skateboard before I knew how I had to. I had to try and impress a bunch of boys. I had to be with a bunch of other comedians and be like, yeah, I'm not that good at skateboarding, let me try it. And then I tried it. And then what happened?

Speaker 2: 23:05

I, my elbow got broken to pieces, Pieces, pieces, pieces. Bobby.

Speaker 1: 23:12

On a.

Speaker 2: 23:12

Monday I broke my arm. On a Tuesday it's an arse sling and by Wednesday I can't pee Cause with one hand it is harder to grab your belt and lung than to pull it out your dick. Oh, you waited the same exact time to take a piss cause you know how that piss feels. And you open your piss feels, and you open your zipper and you're like, oh my god, can I just pull it out this way, cause I can't get my belt out with one hand. Why did I skateboard? I?

Speaker 1: 23:51

don't know how that song ends.

Speaker 1: 23:53

I don't know how that song ends. It's really hard to not just. I really just want to play with this sand. God, it's nice. God, they might be right about those zen gardens. Uh, I want to do. God, I want to play with this sand. God, it's nice. God, they might be right about those zen gardens. Uh, I want to do. God, I want to piss off, get like a house and piss off the H what is it? Hoa and just have a zen garden. But you still have a lawn mower. You still go out there, just like there.

Speaker 1: 24:17

He is out there cutting the fucking sand. Hey, they say the grass is always greener, but in this case it's true, isn't it, daryl? Yeah, please stay off of my beach, thank you. Back off my beach, buddy, thank you. No, I'm nope, I am not trying to be a jerk. I am just asking you to get the fuck off of my beach, buddy. I don't come on your lawn and piss on it. Yes, my dog does, but he's a fucking dog. Well, if you don't like it, then why don't you come over here? Oh, you can't chase me because you haven't been practicing running in the sand. You know how to run on flat grass the thing they let football players on because it's easy. I train every day in the sand. Sometimes you come over to my yard when you think I'm not there. I'm buried in it and I look like a mermaid with fucking tits. I put tits where our tits would be.

Speaker 2: 25:16

But I'm a mermaid.

Speaker 1: 25:17

So the laws don't apply to me if I have tits or not, damn it. It sure is getting wetter than shit out here. Oh my God, it's coming down. Okay, let me do this. Let me do this to kind of cover up my phone. Okay, that should help a little bit, I guess. Fuck, it's coming down so hard, like, did that guy just clean up? No, he opened up his. It's so cold that even this fucking seagull is looking at me like I'm an idiot. Yeah, I know, but I got fucking 5 minutes left. Shit, should it be the last 5 minutes? Be me closing. Oh my god, my bag is soaked. Oh my god, my bag is fucking soaked. I gotta go. That's how much I love you guys. Okay, yeah, alright, well, that's the podcast. It's just gonna be short. This week we're in Miami. I can't go any longer Cause I'm gonna. I can't, can't spend $15,000 on this episode. Love you sick, love ya. Follow Patreon. We're going on tour. Bye, bitch, fucking shit. Oh fuck, oh fuck, damn it, bobby.