Discombobulated with Bobby Jaycox
“Discombobulated with Bobby Jaycox" is a hilarious and insightful podcast that takes you on a wild ride through the mind of comedian Bobby Jaycox. With his unique perspective as a comedian with ADHD, Bobby shares his unfiltered thoughts, stories, and experiences in a way that will leave you laughing out loud and nodding in agreement. Join Bobby and his guests as they navigate the chaos of everyday life, discussing everything from relationships and pop culture to mental health and personal growth. Get ready for a rollercoaster of laughter, relatability, and a whole lot of discombobulation. Tune in now to experience the world through the eyes of a comedian with ADHD.
Discombobulated with Bobby Jaycox
#77 Dentures in the Communion Wine | Discombobulated with Bobby Jaycox
Bobby J's comedic genius shines in this hilarious episode that transforms ordinary moments into laugh-out-loud reflections on modern life. Fresh off tour and reunited with his "own stinky bed," Bobby takes listeners on a journey through his Catholic upbringing with sharp observations about communion rituals that somehow blend irreverence with nostalgia. "I get to drink the blood," he jokes, while dissecting the peculiar practice of sharing wine cups during mass.
The podcast shifts to Bobby's dating adventures in Austin, where he finds himself tongue-tied during a grocery store encounter with a beautiful woman. His internal monologue captures the universal awkwardness of modern dating: the fear of making someone uncomfortable versus the desire to connect. "I'm not scared," he insists, "I just don't want to make someone feel uncomfortable while they're shopping for butter." This segment resonates with anyone who's ever overthought a potential meet-cute.
One of the episode's most relatable moments comes when Bobby questions why people wait in hour-long lines for barbecue. "At some point, it's just a rack of ribs," he observes with refreshing practicality. His refusal to join the queue speaks to a larger philosophy about valuing time and questioning hype culture.
The episode culminates in a masterclass on self-advocacy when Bobby recounts his frustrating experience signing up for TSA PreCheck. When a representative attempts to upsell him without clear explanation, Bobby demonstrates the delicate art of standing up for yourself without being unreasonable. "To be Zen, sometimes you gotta be a little crazy," he concludes, offering a surprisingly profound takeaway wrapped in comedy.
Follow Bobby on tour with Cactus Tate throughout March and April, with shows across the country from New York to California. Check bobbyjcox.com for tickets and dates, and don't miss his headline performances at the Velveeta Room in Austin this summer!
I will be headlining the Velveeta Room in Austin, texas, on June 6th and 7th, that's this summer. Get your tickets at thevelveetaroomcom or at bobbyjcoxcom. The tickets all go to the same length anyway, yeah.
Speaker 2:I will be going on tour with the one, the only, cactus Tate. We are going on the road. You can see us in March. In March you can see us on March 14th and 15th. We have four shows at Hyena's Comedy Club in Albuquerque, new Mexico, on March 26th. You can see us at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco, california. On March 27th you can see us at the Punchline in Sacramento, california, and then on April we are in.
Speaker 2:April. On April we're in March, but then when we get to April April 3rd, we will be at Levity Live in West Nyack, new York, and then on April 5th we will be at Soul Joel's Comedy Club in Pottstown, pennsylvania, and then on April 6th we will be in Petersburg Sorry, the Pittsburgh Improv the Pittsburgh Improv that is in Homestead, Pennsylvania, and then we have four shows on April 18th and 19th at Off the Hook Comedy Club that is in Naples, florida, and then we have four shows on the 25th and 26th at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City, utah, and then we also have a show on the 30th at the Brea Improv in Brea, california.
Speaker 2:Get your tickets at cactustatecom or any of those comedy club websites or mine. All of the links go to the same place. Thank you for listening, thank you. Here's the episode.
Speaker 1:Hello, welcome back, welcome back, welcome. You know you know that song because I sing it from time to time. How are you? How are you? Good? I wonder what time it is for you. Is it the morn? Do you prefer your Bob in the morn? Do you prefer your Bob after some porn? Do you prefer your Bob and the night? Do you prefer your Bob in the exact middle of the night, which is you started and then it's, it starts your next day. This is how you start your day. That would be crazy. But how are you? I hope you're doing good.
Speaker 1:I'm doing great, as always, even if I'm lying. You know I'm doing. I'm, I'm having a good time. I'm not actually not like. That's all I'm doing. I'm, I'm having a good time. I'm not actually not like. That's all I'm saying.
Speaker 1:I'm saying in the past there's definitely been times I'm feeling great. Honestly, I, we were on tour and now we're back from tour and being able to sleep in my own stinky bed, my own little rug of farts, you know, just like just and I just, I get in just like a dog and I circle around, I go and then I lay down ass by my face and then go. I've actually heard that I actually I don't. I've actually heard that I don't sneeze, snore. That would be wild to sleep and just sneeze all night. You'd be like that all night. God, that would feel so good. I'd be like you want to go to sleep. I'm like fucking all the time I can't wait to go to sleep again and fucking sneeze my little ass off. And then you know, there's some people that are like I actually don't like sneezing in my sleep and you're just like we're not fucking talking to you.
Speaker 2:God damn it's every day with these people.
Speaker 1:I actually don't shut the fuck up never, actually. I even try to be quiet with that, like the other day someone was talking about a movie and they were like you ever seen it? And I was like no, I can't remember what the movie was, but but it was like I've never seen Neverending Story. And every time I say that it's that exact same. Fucking, aren't you right? We're going to watch it right now on my iPhone. Around a fire outside with music playing. I'll cup around the bottom of my iPhone so you really get the full experience I got when I was a child. People fucking freak out.
Speaker 2:Why do we do?
Speaker 1:that. Why do you freak out if no one's seen anything? So I try not to be like I've never seen that. But then if someone asks you, they're like well, have you seen the Never Ending Story? You're like I've never seen it and you're like what? I'm like? I know, I tried not to tell you guys. You know, it's like the same thing with my grandma Like she doesn't ask who's Catholic and then we all have to be like fucking none of your grandchildren.
Speaker 1:When was the last time you saw us eat the Eucharist? You know, when was the last time you saw us eat the body and suck the blood of Jesus Christ? This is my body. All right, this is my blood. Damn Like.
Speaker 1:Do you think Jesus ever was like? Cause it's like? He's like this is my body, this is what bread bread's my body. You're like all right, and this is my blood. And you're like, because it's like, he's like this is my body, this is what bread bread's my body. You're like all right, and this is my blood. And you're like okay, and he's like this is my piss. And you're like you know what, jesus? I think two is plenty. He's like well, you're supposed to do it like threes is actually kind of like a rule of thumb. He's like no, we're Four, Four is for whores.
Speaker 1:Jesus did get pissed a couple times, like I think if you read the Bible, do you think there's ever times that he kind of was like fun, you know what I mean? Like he goes out and gambles a little bit. He's like go sit over there so my dad doesn't watch me over here and I'm going to do a couple things. This is my body, I, this is my blood. Do I have to like drink it out of your? No, don't be crazy. It's like it's symbolic, so, symbolically, you could drink my piss. It's symbolic, so, symbolically, you could drink my piss.
Speaker 1:God, what if someone found that like, if someone because no Catholic reads the Bible, that's like been said before, it's not my idea, but like what if they were like we actually found a part where you are supposed to drink like the piss of Jesus, because it's like you sin or whatever, there would be people that would be like you're right, because imagine, like if right now you only ate the bread and if someone's like we're actually supposed to drink the blood too, you'd be like people are like I'm not going to do that and they're like it's actually alcoholic wine. You're like I could try it, I guess Can we also give it to my kid. They're like yes, as long as they're in second grade Can my kid drink. Only if they're Catholic in second grade and we'll hand them the cup and they decide how much they want to drink. You're like that seems insane. You're like well, you also can't tax us. And you're like Jesus Christ. He's like that seems insane. You're like well, you also can't tax us. And you're like Jesus Christ. He's like you're getting it.
Speaker 1:You're getting it. I remember I do remember getting my, uh, like what's it called First communion? They call it first communion, but it's like you're also like you don't go up and you're like this is my 800th communion. They don't do it like podcast episodes. Like you're like Father, son, holy Spirit, Okay, this is 666. Like you're supposed to skip that number, like they do 13 in hotels. You're supposed to skip 666. We just don't do it. You go 665, skip it and then you say 666. Yeah, I said it right. Fuck, I almost said 666. Sorry. And then they pull a lever and you go straight to hell. That would be way cooler if, whenever you did your first communion Because that's also when you do your, I think that's when we do our first tell a stranger the worst thing you've ever done.
Speaker 1:So if you want to drink wine, listen, are you fucking listening to me? Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know you don't know what we're talking about. If you want to drink wine, you got to tell the stranger the worst thing you've ever done. It just seems like a frat party, but where someone's like doing too much of the controlling, they're like everyone sit down. You're like what Can we just party? Like no, there's like an event, there's like a whole thing to this. That's probably why some of those guys are gay. It's not like a frat party. It does feel like a little bit more like a sorority thing. It's like we're all gonna wear dresses and eat a little. When I tell you to I don't know that correlation isn't perfect, but neither is this podcast, and if you're listening to it you are grateful, like I am to be Catholic.
Speaker 1:And here's the thing I am not Catholic but I'm Catholic. Like how, like I'm a naturalized Catholic or whatever. Is that no, no, no, I'm a natural born Catholic because, like I was born and without my consent, they had a priest, and I don't remember which one did it. If it was Father Everding, he was pretty cool. That guy was actually pretty fucking cool, father Everding it. If it was father everding, he was pretty cool. That guy was actually pretty fucking cool. Father everding was pretty sick. I went, we went on his boat one time with my parents too everyone you know what I mean, but I'm sure other people got whatever. He was pretty cool. Deacon john was pretty cool. He actually caught that guy came to see me do stand-up recently. That was pretty sick.
Speaker 1:But yeah, so I'm like born catholic, so even if I don't go to church all the time, like I'm always allowed to just go back and be like I fucked up, and they're like, what'd you do? And I'm like you don't even want to know. And they're like just go say Hail Mary until you fall asleep and you're like, okay, Hail Mary full of grace. Hail Mary full of grace, dude. Honestly, the beginning of a Hail Mary kind of sounds like an insult.
Speaker 1:Hail Mary full of grace Like she's full of grace dude, she's full of shit. She's full of grace. She's all over the place. The Lord is with thee and, you know, sometimes she's probably, I bet, like Mary, sometimes didn't. She's like, yeah, I am the mother of God, but can I also just, can I just be Mary tonight, can I? Can I forget that I'm, that I've been raising the son of god, which he's not around, and joseph's doing the best he can. But it's also hard for joseph because it's like you know, jesus has questions. You know, like jesus is like, hey, can you give me roblox? He's like no, and then he's like, well, who's my dad? He's like, okay, fine, I'll give you roblox bucks or you can fuck Jesus Christ. You can play the game and I don't get, I go, god damn it. I mean sorry.
Speaker 1:Anyway it's a dumb bit, but yeah, I am. I'm a hard born Catholic. I get to drink the blood. I could come at any time. I was thinking about that. Can I walk in at halftime when they're doing, or like at the? It's kind of like halftime and it's like more like after the second period, I guess, because you can leave, you can leave, you can get. I've seen people do this in Catholic mass. You can get the body of Christ and you put that on your tongue or you can have the. You're a fucking psycho. I would.
Speaker 1:If I was dude, if I was a priest, I would definitely be like all right, thank you. I would be like I don't do that. I'd fucking flick it to the back. I'd go like, I'd like it's like a cigarette butt and I go like, and they're like I'm like, thank you. And so you do that. And then you get to drink, you know, a little bit of wine and they hand it to you. And then you and what is fucking insane is because it's a church and there's no, I guess, like health code and it didn't taste like and I don't know it's alcohol, but it didn't taste like the thing they you would drink it and then the person they would because here's the thing, there's like a priest, a deacon, and then they would have to. They're like they had they picked, pre-picked church people to be like come up here and you're gonna help us give it out, and they always did. They all stood so fucking like like I really think they're like god's watching me right now, and I was when I always did that as a kid. I always was like like all the stuff up there, you always was.
Speaker 1:It just felt like you were acting. You're like I don't think I'm getting, I don't think I'm method act, I don't think I'm in the zone like everyone else says. They're like closing their eyes, going like, oh, like I can't do that, you know. And they always give it to other people and then they give it to a stranger, and then that stranger gives it to you and another stranger. You drink, you go. You could literally go like this you could lick the rim like there's salt on it. You could go and then drink it and then you pass it back and where they saw you drink, they take a white cloth, I guess, from and give it back. I swear to God, they don't even kind of turn the cup. I don't think they even kind of keep turning the cup. I always felt like they were just like here. Here.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you would be in line and you're looking at the person in front of you and it's like an old man and you're like I'm not getting wine, I'm not going to go to drink wine, and there's fucking teeth in it. Oh, you left your dentures in the blood of Christ. Can you get your fucking teeth out of the body and blood of Christ? And then you got his body and his blood. You're about to build Jesus again. There's teeth in here. There's his body, there's blood. You're about to remake the Lord. You're about to science, experiment the lord back to health. But then, yeah, and it's like, hey, is everyone sick? Yeah, we're all fucking catholic and sharing the cup of god or whatever. So, god, that was such a weird time. That's not. I didn't want to talk about that. And then it's just like is this therapy for me? But that's enough of catholic stuff. Um, god, I want to. Can we do some remixes of them?
Speaker 1:no I can't, um, but oh, dude, check out my hat. Dude, you guys like my new hat. Me and tatum were on the road and I can't I don't remember what city, but someone gave her a hat and she goes I'm not, I'm not gonna wear this. And I put it on and she's like, yeah, that's your hat. I was like, well, yeah, this looks way better, way better on me, but it's a worn hat, like the person who gave me this hat has fucking worn this hat. Isn't that gross? Someone could have fucked in this hat, isn't that gross? There could be anything on this hat. Someone could have sweated and done like that with this hat on, and I'll never know. I just been wearing it and just being like, I guess it smells like, I guess it stinks a little bit like that. I have no idea, but I uh and I'm not dude, I'm not bragging, I am not bragging, but I did, uh, I did, right before this podcast started, I sat down and I went to blow my nose, and you ever blow your nose and nothing comes out.
Speaker 1:The trick is to feel something and stand exactly how you are and, yes, it's going to go all over your face or your toes or the floor. But instead of getting a Kleenex and blowing, it changes the direction. You just go and sometimes a fucking flubber amount of a fucking mucus will come out of your nose, like a mucinex guy. Like, oh yeah, you get that to come out and then you breathe in for possibly what feels like the first time in your life. That's a good ass, that's a good ass day.
Speaker 1:And I was about to do this podcast and I was like man, I'm feeling weird today. Maybe it's because I'm getting back from tour. No, I had feeling weird today. Maybe it's because I'm getting back from tour. No, it's not to rock it out. And then I rocked it and, yeah, sometimes it gets right here. Grow up, it's your boogers. Don't eat them, though. I'll fucking absolutely destroy you if you do that. If someone if I watch someone eat their book, like yeah, jelly Roll ate his boogers and somehow it all went away. Because I'm like you know what? No one's perfect. I've itched my asshole. You know what I mean. And then you go back to sleep. You don't wake. You know what I mean? We're not perfect. Do you itch your asshole? Get up, go wash your hands and go back to bed. You store like, like, like a bookmark of a memory, to be like do not do anything with this hand until morning. Sure, do not? You it's your asshole.
Speaker 1:Just slide it in the side of your pocket and kind of like lock it down a little bit, and then if you need anything in the middle of night, you use your right hand and if you think this is gross?
Speaker 1:you're like I've never done. Yes, use your right hand. And if you think this is gross, you're like I've never done, yes, you have. There's no way. You've went to sleep and kind of sweated through the night and you got that where you're like, oh god, it might I'm not even saying your asshole, maybe even the top of your ass, which also stinks, but god, doesn't that feel so good. And then you just have to, like, go to bed like this. You have to go to bed like a surgeon about to put gloves on. Except for that, you're so disgusting yeah why the fuck was I talking?
Speaker 1:oh, because I was talking about boogers and all that stuff too. But what do I talk about from boogers? Oh dude, I'll tell you this. I so I, since I've moved to austin, I've went on like a handful of maybe the worst dates you could possibly go on. I did move to a city. It's like man, all these people are beautiful on the outside. I can't stress that enough. Everyone is here, not everyone, but a lot of them are beautiful on the outside. On the inside they're bad people. They're bad people. I'm not saying women are bad. I'm not saying I'm not saying this. I'm saying the fucking couple people I've went on a date with in Austin have been tremendously stinky, fucking dorks, and not stinky in like a like with that way, I just mean it's like a human being. But then so I stopped. I kind of stopped going on dates and we've been on tour and everything.
Speaker 1:And then the other day I was like I got a couple weeks back home and I was at the grocery store and I saw, I just saw, I saw this girl and I was like we were walking by and the first thing I had to do is she had her cart in my way, like for sure she had her cart in my way. But she's like that kind of pretty that like she's allowed to, like I've we all know that kind of pretty girl where they're just like, oh sorry, and everything, I swear to God, I don't care at all. She's like what's that? You're like Bob, what are you even doing? I'm fucking cute too. I'm a confident cute. I'm a fucking six out of six. I'm in the aisle and she's walking by. I'm walking by and I was like, because I had to, she was looking for rice or whatever. I don't remember what she was looking for. Then I was like, because I had to, she was looking for rice or whatever. I don't remember what she was looking for. And then I was like hey, can I move your cart? And she's like, oh yeah, so she moves her cart, I move it and while I do it I'm flexing so hard, I do it and I make no sound. I was like you know, and she goes oh my God, I'm so. He's like not a big deal at all, you know. And then we walked down another aisle and I feel like we kind of like smile at each other. But then all of a sudden I was like then that reality sets in Cause I am not a, I don't. Here's who I date.
Speaker 1:I used to get on dating apps a lot and I would date like you'd be ghost that's. You'd be like I'm going to meet a stranger and they're gonna look very different, me too gonna look very different, me too, you know. And then there's that, and then you date people that you already know. Those are the two you date those. Those are the people that you kind of start to date.
Speaker 1:I'm not a.
Speaker 1:I've only I only asked for someone's number. If I'm like I'm gonna get this phone number because I feel like that's like a better way to do it, not just like all of a sudden you're looking for like honey nut cheerios and I'm just like, hey, you eat that and then fucking live your life like I don't know what this is and I also realize I have. No, that's what's not good is my game is knowing me, like my game is being like I've known bobby. I feel like he's like you get to know me, but at like a grocery store, like I was like what do I say? I got no, I'm like with nice groceries, like I didn't. I had no idea what to say.
Speaker 1:And we kind of kept like crossing paths, cause we like did that thing where we were going like counterclockwise, which I was like I love her for that but then I was going to like say something. She kind of walked by me and then I was just like, but what, how did people do that before? Phones Like you would just be out and just be like.
Speaker 2:Hey.
Speaker 1:And then you're like yeah, I just, I have no idea how to do that, I have no idea. That's like I don't have that kind of game. This is, I'm at this place, I'm like at a place where it's like I'll do a show and I just did a show and this girl was like I really thought you were cute, but me and my friends were like you should say hi, but then I didn't and I was like cool, so none of us are going to say anything. And then you get that's what happens. It's like it's like high school all over again. You literally are like I think I like that person, I wonder if they like me. And then you grow up and like I do. You're like what the fuck? Why didn't I? Just why it's because we're scared and also I'm actually, I'm definitely. I feel like I have confidence. I'm not like it's not, I'm not fucking scared, but it's not being scared. It's like I don't want to make someone feel uncomfortable while they're like. They're like fuck, I forgot butter because that guy talked to me. God damn it. I got expired Greek yogurt because that dip shit was talking to me. And then also I'll be like well, because here's the thing, too, where I know enough female friends where they've been like you know, they're like yeah, it's not great if you're not six foot tall and I'm like, I know, I know, and you don't like. No one like looks over and you're like oh my God, you see that guy's personality. No, you got to wait a little bit. And even when you see me on stage, that's not really me. I'm not that. I'm the guy who says he itches his asshole and then, for real, my eye does hurt. I do think I've given myself pink eye. I think I itched my asshole in the middle of the night, I don't know. Or I touched a toilet seat and washed my hands poorly, or someone touched a toilet seat, didn't wash their hands, touched the door handle and I washed my hands and it didn't matter, because when I touched the door handle there was already poop and shit all over it. So that's just the life I lead.
Speaker 1:And then, oh dude, my buddy Darnell. He just moved to Austin, like right outside Austin, and he for a while was one of the managers at helium in St Louis, so funny. And the other day we were like, dude, let's hang out. And he was like well, what do you? What sounds good, you know, for to go eat and I was like I haven't gotten like barbecue since I've been here yet. Cause here's what happens is you go and then the lines are way too long and you're like I don't like barbecue that much, I don't, there's, I let me. Yeah, for story of the year. I've waited in line, for I signed up for kill tony and it's like so you're waiting in line. I've signed up for open mics and you're waiting in line, but I'm just not waiting in line for barbecue Cause you can't.
Speaker 1:You can only make it so good because it's all how you cook it and yes, it's like seasonings or whatever. But like, at some point you're like you can't be like, oh my God, I taste it. It tastes like it's sucking my dick. You know, it's not like there's not a new flavor. Where you're like, oh my God, it feels like it's I think it's paying my taxes, like that would be crazy. But it's like at the end of the day you're going to be like it's a rack of ribs which are and you can compliment them and be like they're great. Like I had ribs the other day at.
Speaker 1:Uh yeah, tatum's husband made us ribs and those ruled. He made dry ones and then he made like a more, like a wet one. That doesn't sound good. I think there's like a better term for barbecued or whatever. But you get to eat there. But it's like if I would have ate that and he was like dude, we got this down the street, best barbecue in Houston I'd be like I it is. Probably that's how it tastes.
Speaker 1:You know, I had a burger the other day that blew my fucking socks off my, but I still was like it's a burger, chance burger or something like that where they we looked in there, me and darnell we were like because we went, oh, that was what happened. We go to, we literally go to, and we see this huge line. And I was like we did that thing where we look at each other like, are you, do you have to eat this? I don't have to, I legit I'd rather I'll eat anything else. And he's like, yeah, let's leave. And then I was like, well, let me just ask this lady who's like halfway through the line and I was like, excuse me, how long have you been waiting? And her husband or boyfriend or whatever goes, I can tell you exactly how long we've been waiting. It was over an hour and they still had like it looked like they were waiting for a fucking roller coaster.
Speaker 1:I was like I'm not getting, I'm not, I really don't. I was like you can even wait, I'll go get us food, bring it back. We'll wait in line, probably still be hungry by the time we get to the front. So we did not, we did not get to go eat that barbecue and I was like, fuck, because I want to try. I mean, why, how good can it be? And I guess it's like what do you all the people waiting in line, what do you do you not? Can you not just like, try to make that at home? I don't know, I'm gonna do it one day, so I am gonna be one of those idiots, so that's probably what they are too. But, like dude, one guy had a book. Going to do it one day, so I am going to be one of those idiots, so that's probably what they are too. But, like dude, one guy had a book and Darnell was like that's a great idea.
Speaker 1:And I was like I'm going to be honest, I I've brought books so many places and I've never read them. I've brought books home from school and didn't read them. I'm not a big reader. I can read poorly. I don't have dyslexia. I think I have dyslexia.
Speaker 1:Ish, do you know what I mean? Like sometimes the letters are right in a row and other times I'm like what are you? Where are you at? You're telling me that's not this word. No, so there's definitely a learning disability going on in my fucking dumb ass head. But uh, yeah, I gotta fucking. I think I got pink, just pink. I don't know what pink eye feels like, but it might. When I close my eye, it feels like there's like I have like a stopper in the way and I don't want to show it to you. It's not that gross, I just don't want to fucking. I just had. I got farts on my hands. No, but I have been drinking or I've been eating fiber and dude, I'll have farts in the middle of the night that I feel like the fart wakes me up. In the exact same way, you would wake someone up who's sleeping in the passenger seat and you see like a sunrise, a sunset, some, some natural beauty, and you're like, hey, you're going to want to see this. And they wake up just for a second and be like, oh my God, that is why that's what I think my farts been doing. I think it's been like, hey, you don't have, I I'm going to enjoy this. But hey, and I wake up and I'm like what? And my butt's like? And you're like, oh my God, that's amazing, thank you. And you just go back to bed At 60 miles an hour Because that fart was shooting me off. But God, I'm just glad, I'm really glad to be at the age where I need to take fiber and stop guessing. What has fiber in it. I don't know what, any I still.
Speaker 1:You ever talk to someone and they start being like, well, there's a lot of carbs in this and this. I feel like it's the exact same. When someone like starts doing math for tips, I like nod and I'm like they get it and they'll never know if I actually get it or not. Only if someone asks me and they're like do you get it? And then you're like what is that? And then you leave and they're like you left me with the tip and I'm like then you shouldn't have asked me about how the fucking money works. I know it. Whenever I get it by myself and I can breathe and you get to make that math face. You go so, um, what the fuck else? What else is going on? Oh dude, I'll tell you. I'll fucking tell you what else is going on. Oh dude, I just heard in my headphones. I was like what? There's someone playing music outside and it's an amazon driver and you know what. I love it. I'm not just saying that.
Speaker 1:Who doesn't want to blare their music and keep working? You don't want to like turn it up, turn it down every time you keep stopping. It's like, and there's nothing worse. I've driven. Uber eats me. It sucks when you have to like, go somewhere, stop, do this, and the last thing you want to do is lose your truck. So at least you're like, hey, it's back where nelly is playing or whatever you pick. So I think that is pretty cool.
Speaker 1:But I uh, I still have. I'm. I'm still relative compared to most people. I haven't flown a lot, and the only reason I started flying was, like mostly for like a couple of standup shows over the years. But when we went on a road with Tatum we did a bunch and then a bunch of these planes kept crashing and she's like I don't want to fly anymore. I'm like, good, it's cheaper not to fly. I love being on the road. So then we got some news about some shows that are not, um, they haven't like for sure said them, but they might be far away to where it'd be good to have.
Speaker 1:Uh, possibly TSA pre-check or anytime you want to go and just have TSA pre-check, which basically means I know you probably know what it means, but I did. I had to ask cause I was like what's the difference? And like you means I know you probably know what it means, but I did. I had to ask because I was like what's the difference? And like you just get to pat, you don't take off your shoes, you get to like butt everybody. And then you're like don't take off your belt, jewelry, uh, I don't know. I don't know everything you can. I don't know everything, but it's just like you can get that and you. And the other thing is you get to skip the line. But I've seen the line be longer at pre-check when I've shown up before. I've heard other people talk about that and so I was like I don't really care about it. And then Tatum literally said she's like you don't have to get it. And I was like I know, but I would hate to need it. I'd rather have TSA pre-check and need it than fucking be stuck in Wisconsin for a little too long. So yeah, so we were trying to figure out where to go. You know what to do, and I was like I'm gonna go get tsa pre-check. Sorry about that sound. That sucked. And uh and uh.
Speaker 1:So you go online, you fill out a little form, you fill it out. They ask you a couple questions. You're like always why do they always like, why is there always something? It's like you go to like do your parking? It's like what's your? You're like I remember my birth, I remember all this stuff. And it's like what is your license plate number? And you're like god, can I just say I know it starts with like the letter j. Can I start? Can I say j? And you don't fucking take a car that has a j. And then every once, while you're filling out something, that's like like hey, do you know your mom's social security number? You're like why the fuck? No, there's always one question that's a little too far out of your memory. There's like how much were your groceries the last time you bought them? You're like I don't know. So I do that.
Speaker 1:I kind of like fill it out. I always get a little like I hate filling those out because I feel like I'm going to do it wrong. And then I get you get like arrested or whatever. So I get it filled out. And then they're like okay, tomorrow just show up at the airport. You don't even have to make it appointment. But I, I did, which was pointless to fucking do. I'll tell you this Don't make the fucking appointment. It's poor, it's pointless. So validate it when I get there. And they're like we don't know. But then you get in the line and you wait, which is crazy. You're signing up for TSA PreCheck. There should be so many people that it should kind of be like the beginning of that experience, in my opinion, because I got a message that was like well, just know your feedback and I'm like I'll just tell it on my podcast that no one listens to the same amount of people who would read my email are listening to this episode of the podcast.
Speaker 1:So the TSA you pull. You have to like wait in line. And then they're like did you already do your application? Like yes, and they're like well, then it's going to take another 15 minutes here. And then a guy walks up to me and he's like hey, can I sign you up for TSA pre-check clear pro? And you can probably tell by looking at me if this is your first time seeing me or if you've known me.
Speaker 1:I'm not a pro anything guy. I'm not a AirPods plus pro. If there's a plus next to it, I probably don't need it yet I'm doing the fucking regular one. But the guy goes no, if you do this, not only with TSA PreCheck you get to skip the front of the line, but with TSA Clear PreCheck Plus. You get to skip around that line. And I'm like, okay, well, how long until they're like, and then you get TSA Plus squared, where you get to actually you get to fly the plane, but it's for $300 more. And so he's like do you want the plus?
Speaker 1:And I was like what comes, just explain to me what comes with that. And I cause I have been an employee. It's like how people are, like I've been a waiter, this, that, and it's like when you've worked in all those worlds, I was like I'm gonna let you explain it. And then you know it's my job to say yes or no. I'm like I'm already waiting in line. Who cares? I was even. I was in a good mood. I did this thing where the lady was behind me and I think she said she. I was like when's your flight? She's like in an hour and I go, then you can skip in front of me because I don't have a flight today. She's like, oh, my god, thank you. So I'm like you know, you're right, let's feel good.
Speaker 1:And then the guy comes up to me. He's like hey, can I get signed? How much more is it? And it goes from like about $80 to $120. And I go to skip the like, to extra, skip the line. And then there's like something else and he was like yes, and if you have a friend, if you signed a friend up, you get like another 80. He's like I'm like are you crazy? This isn't, of course I'm gonna do this. And I said back to him I go, so it's only 120. It's not like that plus the 80, correct? And he's like absolutely not. And I go, I'm gonna ask again. He even walked away after I asked again like like the third time I was like I asked it loudly to be like. I was like hey, buddy, just so you is it, it's literally this much more. It doesn't. It's not like an. And I was like trying cause I'm trying to understand it, that's I.
Speaker 1:He came up to me to explain a thing to me. I didn't ask to be explained. I knew exactly what I was doing. So if you're gonna upsell me, you are gonna have to explain. If I'm like confused, so he explains it. And then I go to check out and guess what it was. It was what bob thought it was. It was 120 plus 80. So they're like basically it gets like up to it's. Basically it's up to like about 200, $199 or whatever.
Speaker 1:And I go no. And everyone gives me that look where they're like. And I'm like guys, please don't play dumb. You all heard me ask him multiple times and I hate doing it, but you have to complain. I'm past not thinking you can complain. Complaining is how we get things changed. It's the only way. So I complained I was like nope, you're going to have to change that. And they're like well, we can't. Which one would you like to go with? And I go. But you do understand. He explained it and he was like it's literally $2 more. And I go no. Like he thinks I'm talking about like the tax or something. It's not too, it's. It's $120 more than what I was going to spend. That's crazy man. And then they go well, it's okay, we already got you signed up, you can cancel later. And I go no, you're not giving me a job, please. No, please cancel me for that. I'll just do this one. And then I go and I go no.
Speaker 1:And then I started getting like you ever like feel yourself, wanted to like defend yourself? I go no. He said I was going to get for that. Let me talk to someone. And so I talked to someone, they're like we can't do it, I go. Then please get someone else. There is someone else. I hate that. I'm being a Bobby Karen, I go get someone else. So they and I this I was like, listen, I am upset, I'm mad. I try to explain. Everyone starts talking over me, which pisses me off more. I'm trying to be not literally. I'm like I showed up letting people butt in front of me. I'm letting you, I'm telling you, telling you the spiel. Please don't forget any of that. So now I'm like no, you're going to take extra money from me and then, if I forget to unsign up for this, so then finally they go. Well, you can pick one or two or the other.
Speaker 1:And I go okay. And then that's what I ask. I go, may I please get all of your name? And then they go, you know what Can I like? She like called the banker, like it's deal or no deal. She goes hang on, let me call someone real quick. And I go. And that pisses you off even more. You're like there is another option. Instead of it'll make you want to, it'll drive you up a wall. So long story short, they gave me it for $119. And then I heard her on the phone she goes, just give it to him for $119. So it was always possible. And they were like because even the lady goes, I've never even heard of 119. And then this is what sucked.
Speaker 1:It was for a military discount and I literally started. I recorded it. I was at that point. I'm recording on my own phone. I go, I am not in the military, never have been. I was a boy scout, so there's like that amount of whatever the militaryistic things, but I've never been in the military, so I don't want you to get something I didn't deserve. I am asking for this because I blah, blah, blah, blah. And then finally they were like no, you're going to be okay. And then even in email, because I don't want to like go to jail for like stolen valor or whatever. I was like I am not in the military Send. And they're like well, just so you know, we're still checking to see if you're flight risk. I'm like I'm not because.
Speaker 1:But then you did get the discount. But here's the thing, dude, I'm. This is what I'm gonna say. If you go in with the bad attitude, that sucks, but if someone forces you into a bad attitude back to what I was saying earlier I read a story about jesus christ. I didn't, but someone told me and we watched a couple cartoons that someone drew about it when we were in school. But even jesus like, was like at a and they were selling food and he's like get the fuck. And he flipped tables. So if you're mad, you say something Don't be an asshole, but be enough of an asshole that they see your point, because otherwise you're going to leave and all day you're going to be mad and you're going to take it into traffic.
Speaker 1:And I'm telling you you can't do that. To be Zen, sometimes you've got to be a little crazy. A I'm telling you you can't do that. To be Zen, sometimes you got to be a little crazy, a little bit crazy. Zen, you know, get that little, get that crazy on in. You Get a little bit psychotic. No, but don't be mean, just be like a little mean, because they started being mean to me first and I didn't even tell you the rest of the story. And I'm getting defensive because no one likes getting mean. But I'll tell you what I don't like paying $200 for something I didn't ask for. So, and then it was all handled and everyone was afterwards. Everyone was, you know, great, so everything got handled. What a dumb ass thing to end on. But come see me on tour.
Speaker 1:Sign up for the patreon, like subscribe, all that stuff, and I have other cool stuff coming up. I don't want to give it all away, but please stay tuned and send me an email it's bobbyjcomedycom. Wait, bobbyjcomedy at Gmail. I should have checked that before I did it, but I know it is bobbyjcomedy at Gmail. And send me a PO box. I don't have it in front of me, but I'll write it later. What a fucking. What is the worst fucking way to end the podcast? After I got a free fucking hat and these glasses, I can't see anything through. So if you sign up for the patreon, I'll buy new glasses. Thank you, kisses, bye.