Speaker 1: 0:00

Bob's going to be on tour. Come out, see a show. Come on, have fun. I'm going to be opening for Cactus Tate August 6th in Brookfield Wisconsin.

Speaker 2: 0:09

I am going to be opening for Cactus Tate August 7th in Schaumburg, Illinois.

Speaker 1: 0:15

And then I will be headlining Springfield Missouri, coming back to Springfield Missouri, going to be at the Blue Room Four shows August 8th and 9th. Come out see one of those four shows or come see all four shows. Huh.

Speaker 2: 0:32

August 10th I will be back with Character State. We will be at Royal Oaks, michigan.

Speaker 1: 0:38

And then August 21st through 23rd we will be in Canada. We will be in New Westminster, british Columbia, and August 23rd is my birthday. I can't think of any place I'd rather spend than Canada. Come out, see a show.

Speaker 2: 1:00

August 27th. I am in the Funniest Person in Austin. It's the semifinal round. It's getting pretty serious. They're going to pick a winner after. In Austin, it's the semifinal round. It's getting pretty serious. They're going to pick a winner after this round. It's going to be me. It could be anybody, though, because that's how competitions work.

Speaker 1: 1:13

And then I also am really excited to say I will be in Portland Oregon, coming back for the second time ever. I've never been there two times and I love it. I'm going to be in Portland, Oregon on September 28th. Come out, See a show. September 28th it's a Sunday. Come out on the Lord's Day and see a show. Here's the episode.

Speaker 3: 1:40

Hello everybody, welcome back to another episode, another episode of what's it called Discombobulated. Thank you so much. A name so good. It's the name of the podcast, and I won't stop until it's on airplanes, which I just found out that there are podcasts on airplanes and I did not know that and I would really love to be put on an airplane. I would really like if this podcast got to be put on an airplane, because I think here's the thing, fucking dude, here's what I think If I get put on an airplane, like I also also want, I wish, I kind of want to be like I'll probably get like a job, maybe as like a stewardess or a steward man, and I want to be on the airplane and I want to be there whenever I watch someone, just like be, like they do that thing you ever like.

Speaker 3: 2:42

Oh my God, that's all we're doing on an airplane, right? Like no one like you either are a person who, like you, put a cowboy hat down and you fucking go to sleep, or you're watching every fucking thing you can see without like moving your head or neck so that no one knows where you're looking, because they can't see the back of your head, because of like the chair because you so the chair, so you're like a classic villain, just like I can see your text through the crack. Oh my God, your baby won't stop trying to smile and make faces at me and I'm doing it too but also someone farted. And who did that? And someone needs to knock it off. There's this whole looking around around. That's, that's the one I am, and then sometimes I do go to sleep, but I want to be, I want to, I want to be, I want that person. I want a person who's just sitting there, just touching the screen in front of them, just boop, oh, and podcast disc okay, what's about? Uh, battles like depressions, great valleys never really makes it as a comedian. So they're like reading the description and they're like, okay, I'll click on that. And then they click on it and then just like watching them, just realize how much they're like. I can't believe. I gave up on my dreams and this guy's on a fucking airplane and I decided to listen to him with the headphones that they give you on the airplane. That, god, do I love. I love those shit tea.

Speaker 3: 4:16

It sounds like, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it sounds like you kind of like if you could, like take someone's wire from their headphones and you knew how to wire it like all the way over to your headphones and you were like stealing it like the wire from their headphones. And you knew how to wire it like all the way over to your headphones and you were like stealing it like the fbi from their headphones. You're just like, yeah, we're listening in, that's the headphones I give you. I love those headphones on united, those fucking pieces. Do you want headphones? Yes, and they'll give me the headphones and I'll fucking throw them away. Hi, would you like free headphones? How are they making profit? Because the headphones are just wires, like what you're hearing. There's no like speaker at the end of that, that's just a wire coming out and that's as much sound that gets out with. Unless they put a speaker on it, that's just electricity shaking.

Speaker 3: 4:57

When you're watching a tyler perry movie on a fucking united flight. That's what it is. And the only thing I like on united flights. I hate when they don't have a screen, because I love to play the.

Speaker 3: 5:06

There's a game just called balls. It's my favorite fucking game. I don't, I have zero games on my phone, but you know what game I fucking have? I have balls. It's a slightly different setup. It's like you know, it's like classic Galaga at a fucking you know stand up machine versus like playing it on your phone. It's a little different, but I like the United one. I it's just it's it's called balls and it's very simple. You have a ball and then you just shoot a ball and it just hits stuff and it's like, and I those, I don't know, those are my fucking favorite kind of games. I liked that game. I liked that snake game you played when you were a kid where, like the snake would eat apples. But it like you're like he's an idiot, he can't, fucking if he crosses himself, he fucking dies. That game, ah man, I love those stupid games.

Speaker 3: 5:57

But then, like I'll always try like another game on the airplane. And you're like, what the fuck are you gonna play flight simulator? And you're like, let me try it. And you do it. And you're just like I'm gonna try to go to sleep sitting up, a thing I never do. Oh, the seat recline. I'm I dude. I honestly I don't understand why they're like you have to whenever they're going down, like you can't keep your seat reclined, you actually have to bring it up. You're like it doesn't even move. What are you talking like? It's not safe to. If you're sitting like this in a crash, you could be alive, but like this far back, like four degrees backwards, fucking dead. Your dad is a doornail smalls, I think that movie's on there. You're dead as a doornail Smalls, I think that movie's on there. I think you can get sand loud on a flight.

Speaker 3: 6:55

I had the worst flight I've ever had, maybe ever on my way back. We were coming here, I was with Tatum and I kind of managed to fucking really fall asleep, like leaning forward, like this on. It was like a frontier flight and they got these fucking joke. They're like pull out your tray and then you pull it out and like there should be like a, like it should blow confetti and like laugh at you, like whenever you get killed too many times on halo in a row, like or whatever. Um, it should be like that because it comes out and it flips out and it doesn't even pull out. It's just like this little nub of a thing. But I got my head there and I got like cozied up and I was like sleeping perfect.

Speaker 3: 7:39

And I'm in the middle, tatum's by the window and she's like dude, she's got her fucking feet off. Like her feet off. She took her feet off. She's got like she's like dude. She's got her fucking feet off. Like her feet off. She took her feet off. She's got like her fucking shoes off. She's got her feet up. I told her her feet stink. I found out later it was mine that stunk, with my shoes still on. So that's my bad. But I'm in the middle seat. She's over here leaned out. She fucking shuts the window. It fucking pisses me off. They're like it's so bright. I'm like it looks like we're in heaven. I like to wake up and look out and be like, oh my god, that looks like fucking heaven and everyone's like too bright. Okay, anyway, I shut it sometimes too. But uh, I'm making fun of her right now.

Speaker 3: 8:23

So her, me, some person didn't get to meet them. I was sleeping. I was kind of like I tried to, like I kind of fell asleep before they like finished boarding the plane somehow and I kind of like woke up a little bit. But when I woke up, I looked on the ground because, like my feet were sliding and I was like what? And dude, I don't want to be one of those guys.

Speaker 3: 8:48

That was like I was already having a bad day. But I was already having a bad, so many things were like going wrong or whatever and I was trying to be grateful. I kept being like I'm the lucky guy, I got a cool job, I love what I do, blah, blah, blah, blah and blah, blah, blah. And then I woke up from my fucking nap on a flight that I was like, you know, this isn't very comfortable, but you know what? At least it's, at least it's them. And then I woke up and my backpack into my backpack and my stuff was fucking soaked. Person sitting next to me never showed back up again. Person sitting next to me never showed back up again.

Speaker 3: 9:28

If I was bringing someone in for questioning, I'd probably bring in that fucking person because I asked everybody around me. I was like did you do it? And there was like a fucking five year old. That was like like what you know? It's funny seeing a kid strapped into a seat being like like did you fucking spill your bottle? He's like he just st me. I was like, yeah, it might not be them and I started asking around and people were like I don't even drink water.

Speaker 3: 9:49

Everyone was pretending that they don't even know. I'm like it was only where I was sitting too and I was it your water? No, I checked, I closed mine and then the next thing I did is I checked Tatum's, because she likes to do this thing where she'll drink water and then sets it on top and then she's like that'll hold it. So I checked her this is next and I was like, okay, hers is on. And I was like what the fuck? And I picked my bag up and I was like, oh my God, dude and my bag and the stuff, dude, my bag. Luckily, my computer wasn't like completely fucking wet, but like up to the bag that it's in was wet. And I was like, and I just had to throw my bag away. I just had to be a guy who threw his backpack away where they're like man, that guy hates traveling. Dude, people are watching me just fucking like shove my backpack into a trash can, like I'm having like an episode. Like I watched everyone like watch me throw my backpack in the clothes because, also, like I had asked them for a trash bag. You know, like the ones they walk by where they're like we're collecting trash. I was like can I get one of those? And they were like we don't have any of those. And I was like what are you talking about? And she goes, I can get you a bag. And she brought me like a grocery bag and I was like no, I need like one of those trash bags and I swear to God they go. Well, we don't have those. And then on my way out I asked someone else I go, can I get one of those trash bags? And they go we don't have those trash bags. And I was like huh.

Speaker 3: 11:36

And then we got into the gate and I asked the guy who worked for Frontier. I was like my bag is soaked, I don't know what to do. I need to put it in something so that I can figure out even what to do next, dude. And then the guy I swear to God, he just looked at me and he goes oh my what? And I go yeah, I woke up and there was water all over it.

Speaker 3: 12:07

I'm like I'm being calm, but like dude, this is really starting to suck, like I was really starting to get like upset. I was like this fucking, this sucks. And then the guy goes man, that really that does suck, that does suck, like he was trying to like pretend care and he goes. You know what? I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go on the plane and grab you one of those trash bags. And I was like what the fuck did you just say to me? Because I'm gonna go grab one of those trash bags.

Speaker 3: 12:21

It's like I swear to god, if you come back with a trash bag, I'm gonna wish I was better at fucking having a cool comeback to say I'm gonna own this airline. I'm like nothing's gonna happen. I'm like, if you come back with a trash bag, nothing's gonna happen. But you'll know, by my I'll, I'll give you one of those. You know one of those. So here's what I did I here's what I did. Here's what I really did. We walked away. I was like I don't give a fuck, we'll email them, we'll ask for a fucking refund, cause no one's helping us and we also have to get on another fucking plane right now. And then they were like I can't put. I couldn't even put it on my back and I had another bag with me and, dude, I was starting to get so fucking stressed and dude tatum was awesome. She was just like be fucking mad, dude. I'd be mad if my bag was wet and I was like is yours wet?

Speaker 3: 13:13

and she's like no, I was like you didn't do it and uh, so I threw my backpack away and had to take like all my stuff. I'm just like holding my stuff. We're like about to get on the plane. I swear to god, I was just like I was hoping they'd be. Like, sir, you know you're only allowed two items. I'm like, sir, do you know my other bag's covered in piss. Do you ever think about how my other bag might be covered in piss? So I threw it away and then I just like had my shit and I was like, okay, this is like this flight is not for me. Dude, I'm so upset and there's nothing. There was literally nothing I could do, like we had to get on another flight. I'm not buying another bag at the airport. I'm not gonna leave the airport with like a fucking red and gold bag that my grandma would have. I'm not gonna like. I'm not spending three hundred dollars on one that my grandma would have. I'm not going to like I'm not spending $300 on one that like whenever I like land, I'm like later suckers and it goes and it fucking like shoots off into the sky. I'm just going to carry my stuff and wait till I get to the mall of America and I'll buy a new bag there, which is what I'm going to do after this episode episode. I get to go buy a new backpack, because my other backpack I've had for fucking forever.

Speaker 3: 14:22

Tatum would say it smelled bad and I would get like offended, like it was like my kid. I'd be like she's like we're bag stinks and I'm like and you're a fucking piece of shit, you're a whore like I, like we would fucking, like I would just be like so something. You're, you fucking stink bitch, and we would get so like she's like. Well, I'm not telling you it's, I don't like notice it, but I'm telling you, when I go to grab something out of your bag, it like fucking smells like shit or whatever. I was like that's memories, that's how memories smell. Oh, hockey players have their bag gets a smell. But I'm a comedian like my. You know it's like some of my jokes and they're fucking haven't been washed in a while. What do you want from me? So, yeah, I uh fucking bag got completely soaked through that away and I was kind of sad to learn how, like that, I have emotional attachments to things because people let me down so much I'm like this backpack has never let me down, even when the zipper broke. Immediately when I got it it was supposed to like lock and it never locked the the zipper at the lower part broke. It said I had a lifetime warranty. So I called them and it literally was like we're sorry, you got fucking tricked out of money. So yeah, I got, uh, my everything. And I know you're probably like I don't give a fuck if my bag didn't get soaked.

Speaker 3: 15:52

You're right, let's talk about something else. Let's talk about the mall of America. Let's talk about a mall. That's fucking fine. We were just in Canada. Same one, same, exact one, mall of America. There here, same fucking thing, edmonton Mall, mall of America, same mall. Bobby, there's a Shut the fuck up and back the fuck up. And then you go to the mall. I'm staying in the mall, I'm staying in the mall, we're staying in the mall, that's where we're staying. Tatum has a room over there and she is staying in the mall and I'm staying in the mall. And then we're going to walk to work in the mall and then we go back to the mall.

Speaker 3: 16:39

Like if I was a kid from the 80s, I would definitely think I've made it. I'm like you're sleeping by a roller coaster, what? And it's not like that at all, like it's not like. It's like because, dude, everything's, you can buy every trip to the mall. In today's age, you can leave with one bag back. Then you would dude, you would buy something to throw it away, you would buy something big. Wouldn't this be funny if we threw it away outside? Like that's how it was, like we were just like going to every store, bags, bags, like you would leave with bags. And now like people like like I bought a postcard the other day and I returned it because I was like I listen, dude, I my, I overdrafted on my bank account. I can't, uh, I know I already filled it out. Can you just fucking please? I start crying for a dollar back. Sir, we'll just give you your dollar and you can keep the postcard. No, I don't like that fucking shit. You have to take it back. I tried to white it, I tried to erase it, but it's pen. I tried to tear off a layer of the paper, oh god. So, yeah, we're staying at the mall. We're staying at the mall by the airport. Yeah, dude, I'm very lucky.

Speaker 3: 18:03

I just I keep getting to stay in places that like a child. A child would be like man coffee from a champagne glass. This might be all right, it's just, it's nice. Yeah, I wake up and like I just like I'm like sleeping next to a Sephora. Yeah, I wake up and like I just like I'm like sleeping next to a Sephora and I swear to God, that was my dream when I was a kid.

Speaker 3: 18:25

I was like dude, my parents don't even know how to make way too much money. I'm going to grow up and make so much money and I'm going to live in the mall and I would think about it. I'd be like I'd have a bedroom, probably like in one of these places, and then like my kitchen I guess my kitchen probably be far away and then I guess the shitter would be down that hallway and around the corner like every mall. I really that's what I thought about. And now I'm staying here and I'm like this is hell. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, honestly. No, not a real complaint. The backpack real complaint. Doing what I love and having to stay at a mall. I'm okay and I like that dude because, also, like there is like a uh fucking, how do I switch this there?

Speaker 3: 19:15

is a uh like uh, like a like a hotel that you stay in. That'll usually be like near a comedy club, sometimes kind of out of the way, sometimes it's actually closer to another comedy club. It's like you're like okay and uh, so, whatever you like, you have a hotel. You have to to like kind of either, like maybe, if you're lucky, like I love walking, I love when it's like a walking distance, like maybe like a 15 minute walk, love that shit. Uh, sometimes like a 15 minute uber ride or whatever. Um, but the wake you just waking up and then just being like are, are we running late? You're like it's we could leave when the show starts and walk and you'll, we would be fine. Like like we're show starting, we're like we're we just closed the door to the hotel. So I kind of like I like that mystery a little bit. I like, whenever you go somewhere else and it's nice here that you get to get like coffee, you get to go out and get whatever Cause, yeah, like whenever you stay at a hotel because it's like usually a little bit far away, you have to wake up and drink their hotel coffee. You start like saying hi to people who like work there. You start to say, oh my God, you start to say hi to other people staying there. There's a lady who every day was like it's going to be my birthday in two days. I was like, and then I saw her on her birthday and I had to tell her her birthday, like happy birthday, three times and then she started to annoy me on her birthday and you know what I used. I'm like I'm starting to kind of go against like what I grew up with, which is like what's their birthday? I'm like it's fucking, I don't care. Fuck, I fucked up, I fucked the video up and I hope I can fix it later and if I can't, that's just what happens. That'll be the thumbnail man.

Speaker 3: 21:12

Making stuff is so hard. Like I'm thinking about making it while I'm making it and then you have to do stuff later and then you gotta go back and then just fucking Jesus Christ, god almighty, with this shit. Bobby, would you rather be working? No, you gotta be grateful, you gotta be owned. You're gonna be a wiser. Yeah, dude, and my voice is gone. I need to like fucking rest more. I gotta fucking take a breather.

Speaker 3: 21:59

But I am looking over at like a vape and I'm like maybe I could go smoke that vape outside, obviously, but you can't do that. You gotta, I gotta quit that. I'm trying to think of the vape as a binky because it kind of looks like a binky. So every time I need it I'm like does binky bob need his binky bitch? A little fucking bitch. And I'm like, yes, and I'm dude, I have so many other vices I can have.

Speaker 3: 22:24

Dude, I'm not even at that age where, like they're gonna like stop telling me I can eat like anything, that's like blue, like I don't want that, like I want to just like enjoy what I can and not be like overly fucking, not just, you know, taking in too much. And I think I do that. I'm like, dude, you get to do so many things. You drink coffee, you smoke pot. Do you really, do you really need to smoke pot? And like a raspberry triscuit flavored fucking vape, do you really need that? And I'm like, no, you're right, I don't need that, you're right me. And then later I'm like, give me that babe, but I just I keep trying to quit and then I'll get back in.

Speaker 3: 23:10

And it's always like, whenever you quit, you do quit and you're like, oh sick, I feel better. And then you're like I quit so good, I could probably do it and not even care. And you're like what the fuck are you talking about me? Me, what the hell am I doing here? What else is new? What else is new? I got water spilled all over me at the mall. I'm going to get a new backpack and I guess that's it. I guess I'm just becoming a guy who's just on tour, so much that that's all I talk about is tour. But that's what I've always wanted. I've always wanted this. So what do I complain about? Nothing, it's awesome, I love. I love, after a show selling merch, having drunk people come up and try to like figure out how to pay you and I'm not being sarcastic, like I do love that.

Speaker 3: 24:17

Like we get to like watch people all the time. You get to watch people, like I was saying, like on flights and shit, like I like people watching. I know it's creepy, I know it's very creepy, but we all do it and it's like part of being alive, not in a creepy way to do it, but to just do it and then be like that is like we do people watch. Be like that is like we do people watch, but don't be like not through a hole, not through a people or anything like that. Don't be weird, I farted. It was just one of those ones that just goes. You know those farts where you're like, oh, I think this is good, and she goes. That's how it was, bobby, you're just talking about your farts. Yeah, man, cause I'm in the mall of America and it's making me brain dead. I'm just walking around and I'm like I guess I'll go buy something. I don't fucking know.

Speaker 3: 25:12

Also, if you can buy a postcard somewhere, can we just get the postage on it? I went to go send a postcard in Canada and it was the entire thing I did in Canada. And guess what? My grandma's not even going to get it because I think I got the wrong post. I don't think I put enough of their stamps on it. Sorry, grandma. Sorry grandma, you were right, canada sucks.

Speaker 3: 25:34

I told my grandpa that I went to Canada. He goes oh, be careful. There's a bunch of guys, I know that got like, tried to avoid the draft in Vietnam, and they went to Canada and I was like okay, um, so you want me to watch out for them, are you? What do you tell you guys? No, I'm just telling you to be careful. He was like they might not let you back, which they did not. That did happen. They did not almost let me back in to America, or they? They are not. That I'm being over the top. Here's what happened is we were in Canada and I'm telling you it's legal to, as an American, make sure that, as Canadians, you don't lose your rights.

Speaker 3: 26:23

So I had to check out and smoke weed to make sure it was cool and it is. And then we got to the airport and Tatum went ahead of me and she was like I don't want to smoke and I was like I'm going to go smoke, so I smoked and then I got there and I'm like there was this rude guy. I don't know what that's called, but it's not customs, was it customs or whatever? But they were checking my passport. They're asking how many days I'm going to be there. I'm getting nervous. I don't know how many days are days? I'm starting to be like well, we do you want me to count the day I got here and you, because I got here at a half day and we're leaving a half day. Should I count that as one day or is that fucking? Two different fucking days. But I just smoked weed.

Speaker 3: 27:08

So I was feeling good and I was like, oh man, this, this, oh yeah, four-ish days, I don't know. Yeah, we're going back. We just did four comedy shows I'll see you later, man and he goes sick. You smell like pot and I was like, for sure, man, I'll see you later, he goes. No, we had to send you back there and I was like please don't do that. So he sent me back there and then, luckily I'm high, so I'm calm. And then I'm sitting there and I was like, well, is it? It's not. I like started like questioning. I'm like, is it illegal in Canada to smell like it? I'm like that's literally what your flag is. It looks like a pot leaf, that's a maple leaf or is that like, or as a pot leaf. And so I had to sit there and just smell like pot and be like okay.

Speaker 3: 27:52

And then they called me over and they're like we gotta go through all your stuff and I had like chips for my friends I was gonna bring back because they love ketchup chips. So I brought those back for those and I was like ketchup. I was like please don't be careful with the chips. And he had the energy. He wasn't like rude or anything. But I swear to god, I thought he was gonna like because he started opening up my snacks and I was like man, you don't gotta open up my snacks. And he, literally, I like I was waiting for him to like open up the ketchup chips and be like like, chew them in front of me. I was like bro. And then he went through everything and he didn't find anything. I was like dude, I told you, I get it. Whatever, you're doing your job. All right, happy holidays, great to be.

Speaker 3: 28:35

And this was my last experience in Canada, thank you. And so they didn't find any pot, because I didn't fucking have any. And then I tried to scare Tatum because I thought it'd be funny. I was like hey, just so you know. I got stopped and I was texting her. She's like oh my god, are you okay? I was like no, just go without me, I'll buy a flight. She's like Bobby, I'm already looking at other flights. And then, like, I saw her and she was like and she flipped me off. I don't know why I like to joke like that. I don't know why. I'm just fucking silly bitch. But I almost got. I almost didn't get to come back to America because they thought I smelled like pot. And I did smell like pot, but I didn't have any pot on me, so thank God. And then I got to give my chips to my friends. So everybody, everyone is safe and everyone is accounted for.

Speaker 3: 29:25

And uh, that's the podcast, that's it, that's the whole, that's the whole kit and caboodle. That's uh, that's how she blew it, okay, um, all right, love you. Follow on, patreon, it's only a dollar, it's different. We got more stuff coming. I just gotta make sure I make more money before I add things. So, thank you, love you, kisses, bye.