Ep. 114: First Day of Spring

I’m recording from the car again, somewhere in Illinois, trying to stay funny while my body stages a full-on rebellion. The road has a way of turning tiny moments into big thoughts: someone almost cuts me off, a cop appears, the speed limit drops out of nowhere, and suddenly I’m spiraling into questions about luck, aging, and why I ever thought drinking green beer in the cold was a good idea. If you like a comedian road diary with real tour life energy, you’re in the right place. 

We get into St Patrick’s Day culture and the weird pressure to celebrate, plus the hangover math that hits harder as you get older. There’s also the unglamorous behind-the-scenes side of stand-up comedy: buying a car to keep touring, keeping a podcast alive without a big team, and looking “like you’re killing it” while still feeling uncertain about what’s next. Along the way I rant about wind turbines, Buffalo Wild Wings consequences, and the kind of tired that makes you question everything from your facial hair to your life plan. 

The takeaway is simple: the dream can be messy, loud, and shaky, but it’s still worth chasing if you can laugh while you do it. If you’ve ever felt burned out, behind, or confused by what success is supposed to feel like, this one will land. Subscribe, share this with a friend who lives on the road in their head, and leave a review with the most overrated holiday so we can argue about it.

Transcript

Illinois Road Rage And State Names

Patreon Plug And Tour Logistics

Why St Patrick’s Day Feels Miserable

SPEAKER_00 0:03

And I don't even think I need to clap. I'll snap so I don't have to fucking clap because I'm diving. Hello! Welcome back to one of the other episodes of Nice Kumbami Lined. Thank you so much for joining us. I am um the happiest boy who ever lived. You know. Sometimes you have to realize that you're just lucky, you know? And then you'll be like, well, does bad luck stuff happen to you? You're like, fucking, you have no idea. But if you didn't have bad luck, you'd never get sucked off at all, or whatever. That hominage is or whatever. How are you? Um, I hope you're doing good. I am driving all across this country in in search of the perfect audience. Ooh, you almost cut in front of me, and then you saw that cop, didn't you? Yeah, you were gonna drive like a jackass, and then you saw the cop. Hmm. License plate, am I in? Okay. You think you're far enough past and then he doesn't care. You just cut my ass off, and anyway. I uh uh yeah, I am driving. I'm in uh where the fuck am I? What state am I in? Illinois. Or Illinois, if you ask anyone from Missouri, which is where I'm from. Uh I mean, why put the S on there for real? If you're like, well, don't say it. Draw it. Don't say it. Okay. Illinois. It's like, then just don't write it. And they're like, no. It's not how the French would have wanted us to do it. I actually don't know where that is the Illinois French. I wish I could ask my producer. But instead I had to buy uh I had to buy a car to get me around on tour, so I can't afford a personal assistant anymore. We will be getting one back. Just make sure you join the Patreon. Make sure you join the Patreon, and we'll definitely make sure we try to get another uh assistant in here. Uh what the fuck else is news? Just St. Patrick's Day. Who gives a flying fuck? I'm embarrassed when I know someone's celebrating it. I'm from St. Louis. I was in St. Louis. Hey, what do you guys do? We're all drinking. Okay, cool. Let me come be touched by people who soberly would never. I don't really say I love you or hug you. Let me watch you get drunk and poke parts of my body I don't even wash. You ever have someone just keep like touching a part of your body where you're like, I don't think I've ever thought about that part of my body? Bobby, that's your clavicle. Wasn't where I was pointing. Uh uh. Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh but yeah, everyone was getting drunk for St. Patty's Day. You wanna meet us downtown in Dogtown for St. Patrick's Day? Um no. They got green beer. No, it's gotta be like St. Patrick's Day is not a it's just one I don't really give a fuck about because it's still cold out. Like 4th of July? Oh, dude, I'm down because it's hot out, you can get a drink anywhere.

unknown 3:44

St.

Hangovers After Thirty Hit Different

Wind Turbines And Highway Weirdness

Buffalo Wild Wings Regrets

Car Life Thoughts And Feeling Sick

Drinking Habits And Embarrassing Orders

Scratches On The Car And SNL Fantasy

SPEAKER_00 3:44

Paddy's Day, you got you gotta fucking put gloves on. You're spilling, you're spilling beer all over the only pair of gloves that you kept in your car for an occasion, and then all of a sudden when you went out to drink, you're like, oh, it's cold, I've got my gloves. Those stale smelling gloves. You know why they smell stale? Because the year before you also spilled Picardy on them. And you never put them in the wash. That's just that's just what we do. Everyone parties. So yeah, I did I did that for a little bit though. I showed up and partied for a little bit because when in Rome, act Irish and get fucked up off green beer, I guess. So I hung out with some uh some folks I haven't seen in a while. It's always nice hanging out with a couple folks you haven't seen in a while, and then you always have to see like two or three people around those people that you're like, well, if you I'm have to also say hi to you, this is nice. Um so yeah, and now it's not St. Patrick's Day, and we were supposed to all hang out the next day. That's the normal hangout day, and I was like, you know, I feel like I should go out and hang out with these people today because I know they're too old and they're gonna be too hungover tomorrow. And guess what? They were, and they also made me too hungover. Dude, I don't drink a lot and I'm hungover, and I can't lift my shoulders all the way up. My shoulders aren't working all the way. That's how much I drank. I gotta go back to the gym and do those fuckers because I because the gr whatever green is in the beer. Fucked up my ATP and my muscles. So, yeah, I don't I do drinking that much as you get older. It's just like I I will look at certain older alcoholics and I almost want to salute them. I'm like, how the fuck do you do it? Fucking still breaking legs off of plastic chairs, fucking still being like, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that. You know, you always say something like that. Just fucking, I die. I wish I could be like that. I wish I could be an old romantic brose drunk, but no. I am still kind of at the end. I'm at the end of drinking where like they're there's probably someone who's still like, they're still doing it, you know what I mean? Like, it's like with the football, you know, with the guy playing some athletes. I'm not an athlete, wasn't an athlete for drinking either. I used to drink a fucking lot. And then you grow up and you go, you know what? There's gotta be something more. Gotta be more to life. And there is. And it's like, there's just other drugs. Um, yeah, whenever I see people just still drinking, I'm always, it's like the same, you know, you're kind of you're like, it's like the Disney adult of drugs. They're like, yeah, you know, I uh I did this when I was a kid. I stuck with it, and now I still do it. And is it weird? No, it's the same Bud Light I drank when I was a kid. Still dressing like a hot dog to be funny. Um, dude, I'm driving in uh Illinois, and it's been a while since I've driven through Illinois, and I'll tell you this for people who say that like sometimes it gets boring. This is a lot like Texas, except for all of a sudden it doesn't fucking change to 35 fucking miles an hour out of nowhere. And they got these big ass fans out here. They got these big ass fans, which you can't tell me that these fans are doing what you're telling them. You're they're like, oh, they're storing energy. I'm like, they gotta be that goddamn big to store energy. You don't think a bunch of tiny fans on the ground? Well, no, that's actually not well, alright. Bunch of tiny fans in the sky. You gotta have these huge ass fans. Bobby, what the fuck are you talking about? I actually don't even know today. Um, yeah, I'm tired. I met up with a friend the other day, uh, yesterday, and that's why I'm also tired because she's like, let's eat at let's meet at Buffalo Wild Wings. Okay, if you're over in that area, well, she was being sweet, I'll meet you. She's like, I'll meet you at Buffalo Wild Wings. And she's a mom, she can only hang out for like 14 more minutes, so I was like, Alright, I'll go hang out. And she'd gotten this appetizer that she was womaning around, and she was like, You can have some if you want. And I was like, Well, I'll eat some. And I mean, I ate all the goddamn hot fried food for sure. Just what guys do. Girls take one bite of the pickle and then they don't want anything else. So I ate all of it, and now I can't tell if I have to shit or will never shit again. I can't tell if the next time I try to shit, I'm gonna scream cry. That's the only thing I'm sure about. No, I am just looking like the fucking uh oh, my buddy Matthew, I stayed at his house the other night, and they have that in their bathroom as the photo from Dumb and Dumber when he's like shitting after he took the laxative. Didn't take it, his best friend gave it to him. God, that's such a good movie, Dumb and Dumber. Yeah, Bobby, be a guy who talks about a movie from the 90s. What were you like in the 90s, Bobby? I should share one of those. I I should share one of those, like, and uh Dumb on the Worlds. You know what I mean? Like, what were you like in the 90s? But then it's just me as the Pink Power Ranger. Because I look a lot like her right now. Fighting crime, getting fucking beat up on in by sky with other big ass fucking putties, you know. Who's texting me right now? I don't want to talk to nobody. I'm driving across the plains. I'm driving across the plains, and it's kind of scary. But it is getting nicer out, but it's just nice enough to say it is, and then it fucking freezes. I was like, oh, it's pretty nice out. 11 degrees outside, and you're like, oh, okay. It always does that. It always does that. It always does that. That warm weather always does that. Like, I'm gonna show you my nipple. Kind of like you're like, oh my god, I think that's I think that summer's about to flash us. And then it just, and you're like, okay, okay, she ain't dancing yet. She's just getting warmed up. Uh, and then cold up, warmed up, cold up, and then comes back out on stage, and then she'll swing around, and then we'll be like, and then it'll be so hot, we'll be like, get the fuck out of here. Oh. Where is the perfect place? I want to go where where is the perfect place to live? Because I'm gonna go live there out of my car. Can you live in Beverly Hills? But out of your car? Like I'm with everyone in Beverly Hills complaining about everything. Get off my lawn! It's the every road around my car. Oh, I feel like shit. My body hurts. The inside of my body hurts. A doctor nowadays would just give me medicine. A doctor back in the day would be like, we gotta put this guy down. His brain thinks he should just be telling jokes. His body thinks he should be eating fried foods. He'll drink dr he'll drink a truly and then throw up. I also do my I do drink trashy. Whenever I do drink, it's tequila, sugar-free Red Bull, which I have ordered that one time, and maybe the best bartender in the country goes, No, I'm not making that for you. What else would you like? I was like, mmm, playing hardball. Then I guess I'll just take tequila and roar rocks. What kind of tequila? I don't know. So embarrassing to have how long I've been able to drink, and people are like, Don, this, and I go, sure. I don't know the kind. I just know that I drank it once in New York. I felt fuzzy around my friends, and I felt real good. I was like, I want to feel like this forever. But then I also felt like I could have fought any party who would have crossed any of us. But I didn't have to. Why? Because God is good as he is and as he should. Uh who didn't find a fuck. Dude, I'm pretty over everyone just driving whatever speed limit they want. Move to Texas if you guys want to go faster than slow and then faster than slow. What do I gotta do? Drive with like a fucking baby on board and a blue lives matter just to get some respect around here. No, I'm kidding. I don't have any stickers on my car. I only have scratches on my car. I have one scratch that's getting kind of serious. It looks like it's about to go all the way through. Do I look like a guy who knows how to paint a car? No, I barely I'll paint someone's building, and then afterwards they're like, we can't believe we paid you to do that. I'm like, and then I disappeared.

unknown 14:00

Forever.

Fear Of Dying And Tour Burnout

Sixteen Years Of Stand-Up And Money Stress

Beard Shaving And Trusting People Less

Getting Older Fast And Body Functions

Doing The Podcast Alone And Release Gaps

Road Hunger Silence And Winter Anger

New Music Search And Closing CTA

SPEAKER_00 14:05

Coffee makes everything possible. Dude, how am I out of a job? This is someone's job. But they don't think I'm funny enough. I'm going to SNL today and I'm knocking on the door. You're all gonna sit down and watch me be funny. Okay. Um, well, okay, pretend I bought my props, but I didn't wing my props. No, I love right where I'm at. I love that I'm at the point where people are like, dude, it looks like you're killing it. And I'm like, well, it's pretty scary. And they're like, what do you mean? You don't have any shows out past like blah blah blah. I'm like, no, and they're like, I would be fucking terrified. Seems like you're living the dream. Do you know what a dream is? Ah who cares? Who even gives a shit? Ow, fuck, dude. My whole body's starting to hurt that I think I might. I'm either at the age where I start thinking that every time something like this happens, I'm dying, or sincerely my body entirely hurts in a way that if the next time you guys see me, you're like, oh, we didn't know. And I'm like, exactly. No, none of my body works. I can tell you, you should it was all happening on my podcast. You guys thought I was just being cranky and wanting a smoked pot. No. That's just how Bob is. I got really nothing for this one. I'm exhausted. We've been fucking, we've been on tour, off tour, on tour, off tour. A lot of things have been changing. I I have uh a lot of shows coming up, and hopefully, if I'm in a city near you, please come out and see me. And if you are now like, Bobby, I can't I want to come out, but now I have a kid, but I and I know I've never been to a show. Well, guess what? It has now been 16 years. Just say you're not coming to a show. I would love for someone to go, Bobby, I'm I've been seeing you online and you're killing it. Oh, thanks, man. It's crazy. Yeah, but I'm never gonna come to a show. So much better than, oh fuck! I swear to God, I'm gonna come to a show. Even though it's been the amount of time a kid would be driving a car. I've been doing stand-up so long, it could be doing what I'm doing right now with me. Well, good night. That was that didn't feel that felt kind of fucking gross. I've been doing stand-up for 16, I've been doing it as long as by the time I drove, like by the time I drove at that point, since I was a baby, every I had to, oh Bobby, can we be farther along? No, right 16 years in is right when Bill Murr slept in his car. That's right when Joe Rogan slept in his car. That's right when Maria Bamford slept in her car. I'm hoping that's what they did. I'm at the point where I'm about to have to start making up with family members. I didn't even know. I it just I'll be like, we don't even have an argument. I'm just gonna be like, I'm sorry, it's been like this. So they'll be like, you're right, yeah. And I'm like, can I stay with you? And you give me some of your gold. Like, gold? I'm like, I've been out of the money game for a while. Are we fucking using gold? I last time I heard we were stopping using pennies, and that's all I got. It's all that I've got. It's pennies. Penny for your thought? Dude, I'll give you every one of my fucking thoughts for pennies, but you gotta give me the pennies first, and you can't tell me the thoughts not and ask for some of your pennies back. There's a I do this weird thing when I'm driving. If there's a bridge over whenever the car crosses at the same time, I imagine I'm like, then I'm dead if I if I go right in between. It's like Frogger, but where no one gets hurt. This episode has to almost be over. I know, I'm with you. Stick in there, it's about to get real good. How would you even know that, Bobby? Well, he's about to get daytime, Taco Bell. Just kidding, no, I am not. I got protein back there, but it's so far back there, so far back that I'm not going there. It's of life. Yeah, I'm responsible on the road too. If I'm gonna sleep in my car, I'm gonna be on the road for a long fucking time. I'm gonna buy protein bars. That on the second one in, I'm gonna go. No, these are ones I didn't really like these ones. What do you guys think? Should I shave my beard? Should I shave my beard and my mustache so that my I can get sun on my skin? Should I scare everyone I know by shaving my entire face today? Should everyone find out how much fucking lip I really have? This mustache and this beard are kind of my hijab. The hijab of Bob is my mus is my mustache and beard. My mustache is my the hijab of Bob. The hijab of Bob? I don't think that that's racist because I I just think that that's what it's called. Right? I didn't say my husband made me wear this mustache and beard. I didn't say I can't be seen without my beard in public. But I do think that if I was, people would stone me to death. They'd be like, yeah, we don't. We're not a big fan of this guy. There's a very prominent comedian who once made me shave my entire face for a sketch. And I was like, okay. And I kept the mustache, and I was like, they were like, why would you keep the mustache? It looks fucking so stupid. I was like, okay. And then I shaved it, and then I wasn't in the sketch. So the sketch might have been a prank show I had never seen, but I was like, in it, and then I do bend down and you do see me. When I bend down, I cover my face. So that was fun. That was fun. You do learn as you get older, you'll be like, why do I trust other people? And you're like, I think you're hoping that that'll happen before you die. But like, even as you die, like the person who's like taking care of you, no, no, and then and then you go to heaven, and then I bet heaven sucks. Because I bet God forgot you were gonna die. So you're waiting at the fucking front gates and you're like doing this with your head on the fucking gates, and then eventually, like God's sitting there watching TV, and he does that thing where he's like talking to someone, he's like, Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's cool. I'm glad you like my apartment. Yeah, no, I did. Uh, yeah, I made the whole universe Fuck! Oh shit! Bobby was gonna die, or like I go get him from the gates of heaven and let him in. Dude, I should probably just become a truck driver. The way I just be on the fucking road all the time, dude. I'm just like you guys. You should be asking me, Honk Honk, how that hurt my fucking shoulder. Damn, dude. What? Hey, I'll tell you this. When I was younger, people would be like, don't get older. And I'm like, I know it really is gonna suck. But sincerely, they don't tell you that it happens on two like in four days. That's the part that sucks. I didn't know it was gonna happen over the course of four days. I thought it was gonna be a slow, gradual process. No, it kinda is, and then you're like, I guess I could deal with sciatica pain for the rest of my life. Kidding shoulders, knees, and toes. Knees and toes. Oh, and shitting, never good again. Here's what your stool should look like. If you're talking to me about my stool, I only mine's only called poop. They would never call it stool. Because it's never firm. And if it's firm, it's too firm, and you're like, oh fuck, this is bad news bears for everybody involved. Oh no, I lost my hijab. I'm gonna lose my hijab. I'm off. I'm off today, but I'm allowed to be. And I also haven't been doing a lot of episodes, so thanks for sticking with. But a lot of people would quit. I do want to do it. It is just hard. Um, it's a lot to upload for someone who doesn't send it to anybody and keeps, you know, just doing it on his own. So I have to do all of it on my own. So if you don't tell 17 people every day, and they tell 17 people every day, um, eventually they're gonna get even more sparse. But that's why I named it discompopulated. Because if someone's like, well, he didn't release it on the same day, I know. I hate the ones that are in his car, it's all shaky. I know. I hate the ones he does, I know. Oh, truck's going over the that would have killed me. He was going right over, he would have fucking killed me. Um I got nothing for you. Oh, and look at all these mobile homes just sitting here waiting to be bought. I want one of you guys can I have my one of you? Please. Anyways, um, no, I don't even know. I uh Yeah, I got nothing to talk about because I'm just on the road doing stand-up and I'm so less interesting now. I used to be so much more interesting. I even caught myself like talking about stand-up in a way that I normally wouldn't, and I was like, oh fuck, it's because it's all that I talk about now. Which I love, I love being in that world, but every once in a while you want to kind of have a story where you're like, Can I tell you about this jackass today? This jackass comes into me. And he starts talking to me. But instead I'm just like, yeah, I got to do this comedy club, and yeah, did a guy get up and drunkenly try to fist bite me? Yeah, but did I love it with my whole fucking heart? Yeah, I brush my teeth. My breath stinks. Oh. And my balls are pretty sensitive today. My nuts kind of feel funky. Um, yeah, which I do. I um I know when you get like fixed or whatever as a guy, they don't take your nuts off. But I think I'm kind of done with my nuts. Like, I think I've they've seen like when I go to New York, like they don't get to see it. Whenever I like um, you know, sit down, they have no idea how to get out of it you know that thing you do when you know you're gonna be in someone's way and you can't get out of their way enough, and then they run in and you go, sorry, and they're like, oh, it's okay. And you're like, I know I was you I wish you would have saw how much work. That's what your nuts do trying to get out of the way. I'm just kind of over them. And I honestly think it's time for my dick to just live alone. It doesn't mean there's two twin roommates all the time cramping his or their style. I don't know if I don't know what kind of penis I have. I don't know if my penis is a boy or uh girl or they I don't know. I've never asked. Um but I just think it's time for I just want my dick to be able to stretch out, not be bumping into them all the time. And yeah. I don't know if anyone else feels like that. I know some guys are like, I fucking love my nuts. Yeah, that's weird. I want to get those removed. What else would I get removed? I kind of want to get my um I don't know what else I would get removed. Pretty much just my nuts. But I still would want to, yeah, I'd still want to like keep them on like my keychain or whatever. Like I definitely would, I guess, and then they would still be in my pocket, which would still, I guess that kind of defeat the whole purpose to get your balls removed, and then you put them right back, and they're just like they move next door to my dick, and my dick's like oh, okay, balls like we got a place right next door to you. Okay, cool, thank you. Let's just spend the next fucking couple minutes in silence. Oh, Cheetos. God, I'm so fucking hungry. As soon as this episode's over, if you're like, what am I gonna do? It's eat up every fucking thing I can find in this car. But everything's back there. No! And now from a word from our sponsors, and you just fucking it's like overplayed, and you can see me crawling into the back of my car. Crawling in my car, that's snow. How fucking cold can it keep being everywhere? That's fucking snow on the ground. We're ready for summer perpetually forever. I wanna talk about winter as if it never had happened. On my grandkids to be like, Greenpo, can you explain what snow was like? No, because it wasn't real. And anyone who says it was, they're lying. What they say, wet sand? Yeah. Try to even imagine that. It melds. Sand don't meld. I guess except in the grass. Anyway. That's the last thing I want to say. Oh, I'm all out of music. I'm currently searching for a new style of music that has never been found by me and never been experienced by me, and that I'm into. I'm hoping it's not something stupid, like EDM or something. Because I feel like that's what happens when people get my age. They're like, music doesn't make sense, you know it does. Intense sounds. Man, I really can't move my body, dude. What is going on? Every fucking part of my body hurts. Oh my god, dude. Oh. I think I'm dying. I think I'm dying. Well, thank you for listening to this episode. I wouldn't um tell you to listen to this one twice, but it was good enough. You try to start a podcast while driving. It's not easy. Wait, I bought the equipment. Was the equipment only$12.50? You're goddamn every bit of right. So there you go. But anyways, uh, or anyway, as someone would tell me. Uh, connect with us. Um, well, McDonald's just told me to connect with them, so I guess I gotta go eat it at McDonald's. No, I'm gonna go eat a protein bar, and then I'm gonna eat fiber that's back there. I'm only eating healthy. Healthy, healthy, healthy. Thank you. Join the Patreon. Love you, kisses, bye. Play a song with the outro. We're on the road, we want. Bye, love you.