Between Us: How Women Can Stay Independent And Still Build Tender, Lasting Love

Between Us is a monthly conversation series on 1 True Talks where Renee and Amanda sit down for real, candid conversations rooted in Biblical truth and real life.

What if strength and softness didn’t compete, but completed each other? In this Between Us conversation, we sit down with Amanda West to unpack the new terrain of dating, the pull of independence, and the quiet need every woman has to feel safe enough to “hang the hat” at the door. From first texts to long-haul love, we explore how clarity, kindness, and congruence turn sparks into something you can actually build on.

We dig into the real frictions: men’s single-task focus vs. women’s multitasking minds, why “be direct” beats “drop hints,” and how specific requests paired with sincere gratitude can change the tone of a home. If hot-and-cold behavior drives you crazy, you’ll hear practical language for setting expectations without sounding harsh and ways to protect your time, your hobbies, and your voice. Because the traits that drew someone to you, your faith, your joy, your grit shouldn’t disappear once dating gets serious.

Amanda also brings hard-won wisdom for single moms and widows navigating love after upheaval. We explore the difference between rebuilding grit after grief and guarding your heart after divorce, how to avoid comparison traps, and why raising the bar around values like faith, integrity and consistency, outlasts chasing a look or a physical attribute. We talk about guarding your mind, choosing counsel from people who’ve built what you want, and holding the frame of your life while letting God fill it in ways you didn’t plan but deeply need.

If you’re ready to date with hope, communicate with warmth and clarity, and keep your identity intact, this Between Us conversation is for you. Share this episode with a friend who needs it, subscribe for more 1 True Talks. Have a question, story, or topic you'd love for us to talk about in a future Between Us episode? Email us at amanda@1truematch.com, we'd love to hear from you! 

Transcript

Welcome to New Series "Between Us"

Renee Richel 0:07

Hi, I'm Renee Richel, the founder and president of 1 True Match. I'm here to help you find and cultivate the love of your life. For over a decade, I've dedicated my life to the importance, purpose, and dynamic of human relationships. My team and I are disciplined by faith, love, and integrity to help our clients find the quality relationships they've always dreamt of. Each week, I will be sharing the tools and tips I've learned that have rooted my success as a matchmaker with other leaders around the world. Hello, loves. Welcome back. I am so excited to be sitting here today with Amanda West, our director of women's ministry, that we are starting this new series and podcast for women out there, all of our women that are dying to hear a little bit of encouragement, a little bit of advice. Obviously, being in our world, we are going to talk about relationships. We're going to talk about love. We're going to talk about being our best version of ourselves. And there couldn't be anybody better if you haven't watched the podcast before that we had her on, to then set up this series. Please listen in to the other podcast to learn a little bit more about Amanda and who she is and really what fuels her. What I love more than anything about your heart is how you have walked through the seasons of life from not only obviously being young, falling in love, finding your faith, unfortunately getting divorced, meeting the wrong person, but also then finding the right person, being a mom, and then also a widow to be the best single mom, but also be fearless in your faith and really just who you are today. So we are so excited to welcome you to the series that we can't wait to have so many more women's talks about your just um, I would say unique love, obviously, that you just pour out to so many people that God is fueled through you and throughout you. Um, and she's also started a widows ministry group, too, that I'm excited to just have real talk, right? Girl talk to inspire our women out there. So welcome. Thank you. I'm so excited to be a part of this with you. So let's talk about something that I think is really important today is how much things have changed in today's culture of dating. Right. And from even being in this business almost 16 years, I have seen such a wave and change since even just back in the day when we were dating to where we are today and even after COVID and all the things. So give me your thoughts of you know what you see and what you hear when it comes to like women culturally today dating.

Amanda West 2:56

I think it's so different in so many ways, but one in particular comes to mind, and we're just in a society right now that's so driven by women need to be independent, right? Right. And I think that's so interesting because I'm a very independent woman. So I'm not gonna knock that in any way, shape, or form. However, I do think that the Bible says that we are to be in partnership, right? And God designed us to be in partnership. So as we are developing this independence and taking on these roles and stepping into shoes that are have been in the past, man roles, right? And I'm not knocking that either, because daily I'm in a man's role with my work. But I think there's something to be said about the dynamic of a man and a woman together and what that brings. And ultimately, it keeps that femininity to each one of us, right?

Renee Richel 3:53

Right.

Amanda West 3:53

And in time, if we keep just driving into independent, independent, independent, we're gonna lose that softness.

Independence, Partnership, And Femininity

Renee Richel 4:00

Right. Which I feel like I hear all day long when we work with our male clients and they go through what we call the non-negotiables, the needs, the wants, the prayer list of what we're asking for, because ultimately we give it all to God and He will make it clear. But time and time again, I hear men, they're like, I'm attracted to an independent woman that doesn't need me but wants me. I'm attracted to a woman that can be a boss at work, but also tender and sweet and kind at home. And it's a tough balance for us women today because way back in the day, right, we didn't really have a voice. And we were the stay-at-home mom and take care of the household things and things like that. That, you know, in society and today, with more options and more things we want that cost more money, right? There's a lot more dual-working parents, right? Right. And as well as now parents are telling their kids that I hear from our clients that now have kids growing up and they're like, go get a job, get a career before before you fall in love. And I think a big part of that also has to do with we're living longer, right? Too. And so we can have children later in life because there's all these ways to help us, you know, when maybe we're a little bit later in life, starting a family. Right. Like that. Right. Um, but so what advice would you give to women that are out there that are wearing all the hats and all the seats to uh, you know, basically not conquer the world, but yet be independent like you are, to still be good at, you know, nurturing and and having those those tender relationships?

Amanda West 5:37

I think ultimately when you're looking for a relationship with someone is that you ultimately you want to find that man that he's also strong enough that you feel like you can walk through that door and you can hang that hat, right? That boss hat gets hung up when you walk in the door. And that's when you really know, like, okay, I've got something here. Because a woman has to feel safe and so many levels in a relationship in order for that to happen. And that's a when you start to feel that you know you've got the connection, you've got the chemistry, you're you're in the right place, you're heading down the right direction when you are with someone that you feel like you can hang that hat up when you walk in the door.

Renee Richel 6:18

Which I love that you say that. I think you know, the one thing men are really good at, that they were born in their DNA, is to be good at compartmental compartmentalization. Yes. Right. Um, I love if you've never read the book before Spaghetti and Waffles by Pam and Bill Farrell. I'm always going to give them a plug. It is the best book to read about how men compartmentalize things like boxes of a waffle and how women are like a spaghetti, a noodle that's going around with multitasking with a million things, like going from box to box or thing to thing, right? And it's just a great definition of food because we all understand what that is, right? But um, is that when women can do the same really, really well? I don't know if men are ever going to be really good multitaskers. I get it, just be honest. But if men hear this, which more women listen to things than typically men do, but if men hear this and they want to study and be a good partner, it's important to also practice what we're practicing to have a good balance. Right. And there's times that we need to be in an emotional box, which is maybe away from everybody in our prayer time with God, right? There's a time where we need to be in our focus box. And men do a really good job at compartmentalizing and staying in one lane at a time is how they get things focused. And so I love that you give that example of like hanging your hat to also then be a wife. I think we have to also manage a few extra details, right? Because a man can't also be the mom, right? They can be nurturing, right? Just like there's certain things we can't lift a house with our bare arms, right? That men can because they have the strength of power we don't have. Right. And so it's important to know each other's differences. Also, like I said, like you said earlier, is to also lift them up in where they're meant to be by God's design, right? Stronger, right? So you feel safe and they have a window to be the man that they want to be, which is so lost in today's culture.

Safety, Softness, And “Hanging The Hat”

Amanda West 8:17

Yes. Yes. I always say there's moments they just need they ultimately need you to hear, they need to hear like Hercules, Hercules, you have done it, you know, which seems so silly to us women, right? When you do that with a man, like you literally can see them like flex a little bit, right?

Renee Richel 8:33

Yeah, right, because they they want to make us happy. Yes. But so many times I love an example all that I I share sometimes or whatever when we're talking about the opposite sex of how like a woman could say, Okay, can you change the can you change the life up, right? Or can you go do this? And it's the littlest thing. You open the jar and we want them to do it, but then what happens when we say that we're also like, can you do it? We should say within the next 24 hours, right? Because then what happens is that's like we say it and in their head they're like, okay, it's on my list, I'll do it among all the other honey to do things, right? But it's not like a priority to them because it's not bothering them. But yet at the end of the day, it's also bothering us. So then what a woman will do is she'll go after 24 hours or 48 hours, not getting done. She'll just do it herself. Right. And so there's also like need for um, I don't want to say correction, but direction. So all day long, I don't mean this in a bad way, I mean this in a very positive way to all of my men out there, but I'm like, men are really simple. Just be very direct in a loving way, what you need, and they will follow. Whereas for women, I love emotions and how we have feelings and all these other things. Sometimes we're a little bit confusing. Yes. The way that we're hopeful or um have an expectation in our head that we never share, which can be super challenging to anybody that's circling around us because they're not inner.

Amanda West 9:59

And I think men ultimately with scenarios like that, they don't want to be nagged. Right. So sometimes to just say that to them, I don't want to nag you. So I'll only ask twice. And if it's not done by them, then I'm gonna feel like I'm nagging you. So I'm gonna find a different route to get it done.

Renee Richel 10:16

Right, which is pretty direct, I think, in that regard. Um, or and sharing, like, you know what, I love you. And I love how when I ask you to do something, you do it because it matters to me. Because by the time I came to you, it's already been fucking me for a couple of weeks and I've not had time to do it. So do you mind?

Amanda West 10:34

Right. And then it's like after they do it to make sure that we give the confirmation.

Renee Richel 10:38

Yes, you're amazing. I love you. Thank you, right? Because then they're gonna want to do something again, opposed to like, I'm always nagged about this. And then that turns into like, oh my gosh, something else that they want or something else they have to do. And right.

Amanda West 10:51

And it's the same for us too. I mean, how amazing is it when we hear, oh, you're such a good mom. Thank you for covering all the things you cover. It's the same. We just have to figure out the language to speak to them because it's a little bit different than the way we like to hear it, right? So true.

Spaghetti And Waffles: Communication Styles

Renee Richel 11:07

That is so true. Um, so what have you found among the women that you are mentoring and speaking into life, whether it be widowed or just divorced or just friends, that is what they struggle with when it comes to either dating or even in their marriages or whatever it is that you can encourage women on?

Amanda West 11:30

I think the thing that I hear the most is that they struggle with men being consistent, especially in the dating world. Right. Like they're here and then they're not. They text and then they don't. Ultimately, a woman wants consistency. So I think to say that, like clarity and communication right from the beginning. If a man knows what your expectations are, it's much easier for him to provide that expectations and to hit that, right? And I think that's just such a big thing. Communicate, communicate, communicate from the beginning. Don't hold back. Make sure you say it in a loving, nice, kind way, right? Presentation is everything. However, you you just have to get it out there. Keep that bar held high. You know what you deserve. However, you have to communicate with what your expectations are in return.

Renee Richel 12:26

Which I agree that really goes down to also in the beginning, what we're so attracted to somebody in is the life that they have, right? And so what happens, especially as you know, right, when you start dating somebody, all you want to do is spend every minute together, which is great, right? Your strong friends, your true friends will be the ones that for the next three to six months, they won't see you. Like it's all part of the dating, right? That is if you find somebody that you are consistently dating as you're talking about, right? And becoming exclusive with. But um, I think through that too, is then what I start to see with couples, even the ones that we introduce, is then they kind of start to like after six or eight months, they start to kind of almost be not gun shy, but they're like, oh my gosh, I've lost a piece of me. Because now they're trying to do everything together, but no longer are they doing pickleball, no longer are they golfing, no longer are they going to do whatever other activities they used to do independently, which is exactly what they were attracted to.

Amanda West 13:23

Right.

Renee Richel 13:23

And they kind of get lost along the journey, time, years, whatever go by. Um, that it's important in the beginning to still maintain the consistency of what you do, but also still add somebody else into your life so that you don't lose that by setting, you know, little boundaries and having that you time. I think the one thing that gets lost a lot in women is to have just that set aside time just for you, yourself, and God. Right. Because we're doing it all. And in those moments where us women, we can be doing hundreds of things for months on end until we get to that moment where we're about to like explode. Like, you know, the eruption is about to happen. The tears, the moment you're gonna break down, you're gonna yell. I have moments where I'm yelling at God and I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. But I feel so good once I release it out. Yes, and I've let it out, but it's only because it's kept piling up and I never actually took the time to have those moments, I think, to yourself, which women have to do because that's when you can love your mate more. Yes. That's when you can love your children more, you can love your friends when you also have a little bit of you time to be able to self-reflect and and remind yourself of the things you have.

Amanda West 14:42

I agree 100%. I say that to my children all the time. I have to have time for myself so that I can be a good mommy to you. Like that's just how it works, period.

Renee Richel 14:51

It's so true. So, what advice would you give the single mamas out there uh as you navigated that in your life, obviously, and all that you went through?

Direct Requests, Praise, And Avoiding Nagging

Amanda West 15:01

It's hard. It is a hard task because you are you feel torn in so many ways. You're most likely juggling a job, plus you're juggling the kids and just everyday life and taking care of a household. There's so much to it. But I would say don't allow that to take over your life so much that you don't make time to seek out and find the person that you want to do life with. That there's so much joy that comes in that. And the process can be it can be hard in dating. The dating world's completely different than what it used to be. So as you get older in your dating, you're like, whoa, this is not how I remembered it being, right?

Renee Richel 15:42

But because you didn't have as much of a commitment or like I not commitment, sorry, responsibility. Right. Right? You didn't you weren't dating with kids. Huge game changer. Right. Right. When it's just you yourself and selfishness. Right. Right. But then when you had kids into the mix, you know, it's like you kind of have to change your whole dating dating routine.

Amanda West 16:01

Absolutely. And it's just the same as saying, hey, I'm taking time for myself. You have to, you have to take that time and put in the work and a relationship if that's something that you truly want. And you can. We make time where we want to make time. That is true.

Renee Richel 16:16

When there's a will, there is a will. That's right. That is right. Um, so let's talk to all of our widow women out there that, you know, are getting their feet back into dating and how you navigated that.

Amanda West 16:31

I think the hardest thing, especially especially from having both sides of the scenario, right? Of like coming out of a a divorce scenario and dating, and then coming out of loss and grief and dating. You have so much grit when you come out of a divorce scenario, right? Like you just not you you can just hold your own really, really well, right? And when you come out of the scenario of of loss and grief, there's not a lot of grit because you have become so soft to love, right? Right. Which is what a really beautiful relationship does. It softens you in so many ways. And that's what it's designed to do. But to date in this world, you've gotta, you've gotta get the grit back a little bit. Yeah. So I think it takes a little bit of time, but don't feel like you have to lose your lose yourself or or your guidance and where you're going with it, because you'll get your feet back underneath you again and you'll start to feel the way of how it works again. And it just it's hard because you're hurting in the process, and there's emotions that go along with it, and there's grief that comes with dating again, because you're ultimately like pulling up new feelings that you didn't have in the process of grieving when you were grieving on your own, right? And it makes you think about things with your past relationship, but don't lose hope. It's you will find love again. It's a really, really beautiful process every step of the way, and every bit of it ultimately brings growth for within yourself. Like you're growing in every single moment. And if you can look at it that way, that no matter what happens, this is just bringing growth. If you have multiple relationships before you get to the one, each relationship brings growth until you get to the person that you're meant to be with.

Renee Richel 18:24

It's so true. And how would you say, you know, when you went back out dating, right? And knowing what you also had prior to that, how did you compartmentalize, as we were talking about earlier, the difference between comparison, which whether you're widowed or divorced, you're probably always gonna have that comparison in some regards. But I would think mostly when you're widowed and you had a healthy marriage.

Amanda West 18:51

Right. I really don't I mean, I think in some ways there is comparison, but I think you ultimately, you know, like there's never gonna be that person again.

Consistency And Clear Expectations In Dating

Renee Richel 19:02

So it's more of like a mental check before you even go into it to remind yourself this is a new beginning. Yes, this is a fresh start, right chapter of it.

Amanda West 19:09

You're not looking for that person over again. But ultimately what you need to think about is what is my bar? What do I feel like I deserve? Just the same way you were when you went into that relationship. Where where was your bar? What did you feel like you deserved? What did you look for? That needs to be the thought process again, right? And don't I think often women kind of feel like they have to lower their bar because our culture is so different from what it used to be. But don't lower the bar. There are there are really good jewels out there.

Renee Richel 19:45

Like you just have to obviously have to one true match if you have not found them yet, because we have the hidden gems. However, I do also say, as she's saying, you know, hold your ground or your bar high. But when we say that, I also feel like that's mostly on the morals, values, beliefs, and big like the principles. Yes. More than what so many people come to us and are like, okay, find me somebody attractive. And I'm like, what? What does attraction exactly look like to you? And you do you do understand the other person has to be attracted back to you? Right? Right. And I don't mean that in a harsh way, but I also say I think there's too many people that fall in love and lust and a feeling instead of the long-term also commitment is how will they treat you? Right. How will they show up for you? How will they be invested in you? How are you invested back in them? How are you nurturing and loving this relationship that people just date with like their rose-colored glasses on? Right. And they don't think about the, I don't mean to say the end result, but right, it's the sort of circle of life. We all have our time. What do you want to look back at if you were to start at the end, right, and look back at your life? Does it look like just fairy tale pictures, but you fight all the time? Or does it actually look like this loving relationship that you grow together that it's the fairy tale and true love?

Amanda West 21:15

Right. I just said this to a group of women the other day that from the time that we're a little girl, we have this picture frame in our mind of what our life is supposed to look like and what those people inside that picture frame is supposed to look like. So true. And that's not it at all. It's not. And God loves to make us laugh when he shows us that's not it. It's so funny. I'll share this story. Before I met Paul, he my boss said to me, I was going on a girls' trip when I met him. And and the trip was in Virginia Beach at a surfing contest, which I don't surf. And she goes, Don't go marry a surfer. And I said, That will never happen. Of course. And look, what happened? So ultimately, it's just let God put what's supposed to be in that frame. You hold the frame and just have open heart and open mind. Yeah. And just He He will put what is supposed to be in that frame for you. And it will exceed any expectations you can ever imagine.

Keep Your Hobbies And Boundaries While Dating

Renee Richel 22:20

That's so true. I give this example all the time of like I wake up every day with a whiteboard and it's either wiped cleaned every night because God is like, no, to all of these options. Or I wake up in the morning and there's still little notes that I wrote throughout the day. And then it's like I add on to it and it allows me to keep adding on and adding on and adding on. And then it creates something so much bigger. But it was with an open mind. Right. And it was with an idea that he was blessing. Because how many times in life do we wonder, like, why isn't this happening? Why is this taking so long? Why is this so difficult? Why, whoa, whoa, whoa, is me. And it's like instead of putting the pity on you, start turning to God and looking at everything that is on you as an opportunity that will grow into something that he wants to point you in the right direction that won't make sense to you today, which I love your picture frame or the whiteboard when I'm like, yes, I'm getting an inch. I'm gonna take a mile. Yes, let's see how many more miles I can go with God. And then he'll be like, Yeah, you're gonna take a hard left turn right now. And it's like, no. And then you go back and the board is white and you start, but yet it gave you the little bit of nuggets or the stepping stones to get you to see something so different. And so when we're in our own world, only seeing what we see, and we have the culture of what people believe we should be. That is like the dangerous slope to ever see. Yes.

Amanda West 23:42

Yes. I think it's so important to you to really be careful who you're talking with, who you're sharing with about your dating life, right? Like talk with people who have wisdom in dating, right? Talk to somebody who's been married for years and you ask them how they did it, not necessarily the dating world that's different now, but talk to people who have wisdom in it. Be careful because, you know, as much as your girlfriend might be really fun to go out with, she may not be the person to pull great advice from, right?

Single Moms: Time, Grit, And Hope

Renee Richel 24:15

When it comes to dating. I love that you say that because misery loves company. So in my younger years, my 20s, whatever, in Orlando, I remember my girlfriend and I are, which are super close today, still to this day, but misery loved company. So anytime we we were both in a bad relationship, but we always felt better after we talked. And it was like misery literally loved company. We hung our hat on that. We're like, okay, it's fine, whatever. And we go back, and we kept, we were like only our worst enemies to each other. Each other how because at the end of the day, we both felt like, okay, we're good. We made this choice, we're good, like whatever. So when I exactly what you said is finding somebody that may have be able to relate to your scenario, because you don't want to talk to somebody that has no clue what you're going through, but has been or has gotten to the other side. Right. Right. Or and next best or the first best person to ever talk to is God. Right. Is God. And I know he doesn't talk back, but sometimes that's the best person, the best listeners. And this sounds like an insane practice. Sometimes my daughter says this to me, who are you talking to? And I'm like, sorry, I didn't know you were in the room. But there's moments when you say it out loud, regardless of what it is, even if it's like anger or frustration or whatever, you let it out, God hears it and it releases from your lips, your mind, your thoughts. And it's amazing how when you hear something you think out loud, how much different it is than when you keep it internally in your head, right? That truly only is your subconscious fighting with itself.

Amanda West 25:45

Right. And it's so important to be very careful about what you're allowing to go in your head.

Renee Richel 25:50

Yes. Right. Which is true. Day in and day out yourself with is just a things you listen to and the people you listen to. Yes.

Amanda West 25:57

I had someone tell me after Paul passed that they did not mean it in a mean way by any means, but they just said, you'll never find another love like that again. That was once in a lifetime.

Renee Richel 26:09

Oh.

Amanda West 26:09

Right? And I thought in my mind, I was like, I'm gonna prove you wrong.

Renee Richel 26:13

Right.

Amanda West 26:14

That was my thought, right? I love that. And you just have to like things like that, you just turn to a positive and you just keep moving forward, right? But you have to be so careful about what you allow to infiltrate in your mind and stay positive in your journey.

Renee Richel 26:26

Well, or even in that, what she said, turning into a positive, right? Like, you're right. You're never going to receive a love like you and Paul again. However, you will receive a a love like you and Paul with somebody else, which will be a love that the two of you will never have shared with anybody else either. Right. It's all in perspective, right? How you receive it, who you surround yourself around, which is huge, right? And then also how you then share that out. So I am so excited to have you be a part of our podcast as well as speaking in to our women listeners to inspire them, to encourage them. If you would like to learn more about Amanda West and all that she's doing, if you're grieving, if you've been through divorce, if you're a single mom, we are going to do so many more talks like this. So please write in, share your thoughts, share your questions, and we would love to talk about that on any upcoming podcast we have, or she can even also write in and share, and I will as well. And I cannot wait to see you on our next talk. I hope you have a blessed week. And we're encouraging you with um focusing on your relationship with yourself and God to seek the answers that mean most, to then share that with somebody that matters most. We love you. Have a blessed week. I look forward to our next chat. Please write in your questions and comments so I can be sure to talk about whatever it is you want to discuss in our next upcoming episode. Lots of Love. God bless. XOXO.