Between Us: Chemistry Vs Compatibility

Sparks are easy; staying power is rare. We sit down with Amanda West to unpack the magnetic pull of chemistry and why it so often gets mistaken for the substance of compatibility. From first‑date fireworks to long‑term foundations, we explore how to tell lust from lasting love, and how to choose a partner you can build a life with.

We pull back the curtain on modern dating’s highlight‑reel problem: profiles and filtered photos flatten people into a single frame. Attraction matters, but it’s not a blueprint. We walk through the character cues that actually predict a durable relationship kindness to servers, generosity with time, servant‑heartedness, emotional availability, and healthy communication. You’ll hear practical checkpoints at six, nine, and twelve months when facades fade and real patterns show, plus the essential questions that reveal values, conflict style, and vision for family and faith.

If you’ve ever asked why the spark feels so convincing, we break down the endorphins, pheromones, and novelty bias that keep us chasing the next high. Then we pivot to a slower, wiser path: craft a tight list of non‑negotiables, hold new connections to your top four, and date with intention instead of filling empty evenings. We talk openly about taking concerns to God first before friends or feeds writing down what you hear, and letting clarity guide your choices. The surprise ending: when trust and purpose grow, chemistry often deepens beyond the first rush.

Press play for grounded advice on navigating attraction, guarding your time, and building love that lasts through every season. If this resonates, subscribe, share with a friend, or write in with the one question you have and we'd love to chat about it on our next upcoming episode. 

Transcript

Defining Chemistry And Compatibility

Renee Richel 0:07

Hi, I'm Renee Richel, the founder and president of 1 True Match. I'm here to help you find and cultivate the love of your life. For over a decade, I've dedicated my life to the importance, purpose, and dynamic of human relationships. My team and I are disciplined by faith, love, and integrity to help our clients find the quality relationships they've always dreamt of. Each week, I will be sharing the tools and tips I've learned that have rooted my success as a matchmaker with other leaders around the world. Hello loves. Welcome back. I am so excited to be sitting here with Amanda West, who is our advocate to help our women ministry and more for widow, divorced, and single moms. That we are so excited to bring her back to have real talk conversations that we are going to talk about today, chemistry versus compatibility. So welcome.

Amanda West 1:11

Thank you.

Renee Richel 1:12

We're so happy to have you back.

Amanda West 1:13

I'm happy to be back.

Attraction Types And Core Interviews

Renee Richel 1:15

So fun. I can't wait to talk about this subject that I was reading an article from Psychology Today explaining that we often call chemistry a frequently mistaken for true compatibility. While chemistry can feel intense and exciting, compatibility includes shares values, emotional availability, and healthy communication patterns. So we asked our audience and surveyed what questions they would ask, and that's what we're going to talk about today. So let's get into it after surveying our audience. And please chime in, give us your questions. We love these questions. That we're going to just answer live on spot is have you ever felt intense chemistry with somebody only to later realize you weren't compatible? Oh my gosh. Yes.

Amanda West 2:10

Yes. Yes.

Renee Richel 2:13

Because, you know, God gave us the gift of chemistry, which only all of us have our type or whatever it is, especially in matchmaking. Like all day long when we do our consultation session.

Amanda West 2:27

I'm sure you see it a lot.

Renee Richel 2:29

I say, send me in, I don't like this part, but send me in like five to seven people of what you find attractive because I cannot control chemistry. But I want to know what's going to turn your head because I'm going to interview from the core out. So I'm going to find you somebody that I know naturally you're going to be attracted to because I'm not trying to put you in a friendship, right? I'm hoping it turns into something more in time than it would with just, you know, your neighbor. And so chemistry is obviously important and that's what draws us in. But if we don't interview from the core out, that's what also leaves us flat in relationships because we were just drawn into them. We don't know anything about them. And then we realize that they're not everything that we dreamt of past just the surface. And then we wonder why we get into toxic relationships that don't turn into anything more.

Amanda West 3:21

And I think that's something so true too. If you look at younger ones dating. Right. Like they don't have the wisdom of knowing that there has to be more than chemistry. And when you're young, that's all you look at.

Renee Richel 3:32

Well, and when we're young, we have all the collagen in the world, as we were talking about.

Amanda West 3:36

We have all the youthful assets that we are going to be at our primate at our younger age.

Renee Richel 3:45

But we don't have the the pearls of wisdom, whatever you want to call it, the knowledge of experience that then, you know, our age, not aging ourselves, right, have. And the truth of it is when you're done, the last when you're young, the last thing you want to do is listen to anybody older because what do they know? They're not in your body, they don't understand anything until you get that age and you're like, I only could give my younger self advice. Wow, how good it would be. Right. But going off chemistry, the reality of it is if you don't have compatibility, and compatibility, and that's something with my younger age individuals when we're matching, we keep matching young and younger clients, is the truth of it is compatibility is what is the non-negotiables.

Amanda West 4:32

I'd like to just re-compatibility is ultimately what helps sustain the relationship long term.

Renee Richel 4:38

Long term.

Amanda West 4:39

Your chemistry exactly that can burn out very fast.

Values Over Looks Through Life Stages

Renee Richel 4:43

Yes. It's like a candle that eventually it burns out, right? If it's just based on chemistry. Absolutely. And yes, we all have this fairy tale image of what true love would look like. And yes, you could look great because all you have to compare it to is prawn pictures, and it is all about, you know, attracting the right couple and the right on all of that thing, right? But the older you get, the wiser you are, you realize are they kind to the servers? Are they kind to the family? Do they, you know, are they servant-hearted? Do they, do they give? Do they love you every day? Are you wanting to love this person back and give all of your like all of these things that nobody thinks about, that as you then go through the season of puppy love and you go through the season of parenting, and then you go through the season of now empty nesters, and you go through the season of retirement. Nobody knows exactly every detail because only God does. But are you seeing yourself to the best of your knowledge with this person going through all the highs and lows? Because what we see when we're young is all the highs. And nobody thinks through the season of the lows, which is the compatibility part that is so much, so much sexier than just the chemistry part. And the chemistry has to be there because I am not trying to put two friends together. I'm I mean, I want you to be friends, right? But I want you to also have when married, that romantic relationship that God desired marriage to be that sexual chemistry that is different than your relationship with friendship.

Amanda West 6:15

And ultimately, it's really interesting because it's like you have to have that chemistry, right? But ultimately you need to identify pretty quickly the compatibility going into it in your first few days. If there's there's signs there that there's not compatibility on your on your morals and values, then ultimately that's not going to take you long term. But then it's interesting because if you do have those things and then going into marriage and long term, that ultimately ignites a fire that keeps burning and becomes stronger and stronger. And the chemistry can become something you never even had in the beginning. That's so much better than you actually even imagined. Trust me. I totally get it. I totally understand because it's almost like you fall in love with a person all over again as you learn them and and fall in love with those things that you love about them. 100%.

Profiles, Photos, And One‑Dimensional Dating

Renee Richel 7:09

I couldn't agree more. I so agree. And that's what people I don't think think through when they're just, especially like in our world, right? I always say, I hate sharing profiles. It's the moment that I'm like, because I love raving about people because I get to know them from the core of who they are and the beauty that I see two people to become, right? Because they're just, to me, complete two blank canvases that I'm blessed to get to know their stories. But then I also get I wouldn't want to meet somebody without seeing a photo of like a complete stranger, right? In today's day and age, Instagram, all of it, all of it. But it's just one dimensional. So a profile is one dimensional, a photo is one dimensional. We have this thing in our office all day long of like who chooses the best photo, like we call it playing for quarters. It sounds crazy. But photos that I would choose that I think are the best representation of my client. I might have my team choose five different photos, and I might be like, that could be the worst photo. What? Why would you share or not worse, right? But maybe not represent how I'm articulating this person right. And I believe in the beginning, when you're courting somebody, you gotta show your best. I mean, you're not gonna show up in a hair bun in your pajamas, sweaty and gross. You're just not like who is going to uh I mean, come on. We are trying to also get a romantic relationship to blossom, which means you have to show up your best. But I mean, those are things in age in life, things change. So if you don't have that solid foundation of the core um compatibility to substand the test of time, it will. It will not last. And you'll wonder why you're alone in life miserably down the road, because that was your number one thing was just about chemistry.

Amanda West 8:54

I will say you're speaking about the photos that you put to your clients. And that is one of the great things about having you in someone's court is that you've spoken to them, you know their personality. We've video verified them, we know they're real. I mean apps and all of this technology of like dating online. You don't know what's real. You don't know it's real. For one, because of AI, and two, is the photo from 10 years ago. Right. Yes. That's a big issue in dating now. It's true. Right.

Renee Richel 9:31

Well, and I think too, a lot of it is, I mean, if you think about it, apps came out what in the 90s-ish time frame. And so maybe mid-late 90s. I should probably know this detail, but because I'm so not in the world of online dating. Um, but my point is, is those photos people were using, they're still using.

Amanda West 9:52

So 10, right 15, 20 years later, they're still using the same photos because that was what they originally. They show up on the date. How many times you heard from friends and they're like, I showed up on this date? And it was it did not even look like a person.

Authenticity, Filters, And Real Attraction

Renee Richel 10:03

Right. And so we don't want to get into that world either, because here's the truth. And I remember when I went back into dating after post divorce, and unfortunately not knowing the knowledge that I have today. Because I remember going back out there and you live in this Instagram world, and I'm even in the world that I'm in. So, you know, you know who you're up against. Let's just say from a standpoint of like, okay, if a client is going to get presented three or five photos, where are you in the comparison of these other options? And I'm like, well, you know, I'm not as chiseled as this person, or I'm not as like perfect as this one or whatever. And it's it it just psychologically starts to tear you down, which is the world of dating we live today. And this is the place that I don't like. Because at the end of the day, half these people are filtered, half of these people then, you know, either they have other um insecurities or they have, and at the end of the day, and I'm not saying all because God has definitely made us all look the way that we we do for a reason. And that's the beautiful part of this earth. Like, I don't think anybody should ever compare themselves to anybody else. The truth of what you're trying to find is somebody that loves you for exactly who you are, unfiltered. Maybe sure, they fall for you because you're all at your best. Like men are in suits and women are in dresses and heels, right? Like, I get that. That's part of the law of attraction, right? Like, I get that. However, do they still love you when you are in your pajamas, your hair-ups in a butt, you're in your sport clothes, you're in just a t-shirt for guys and you know, basketball shorts or whatever it is. Do they still love you outside of that image? Because I hear all day long in the industry of what I'm in is like, oh, well, I don't like that photo, but I like that photo of them. I don't like they're all the same person, maybe different light, different angle, different whatever. But do you want to get to know the person? Because you can get that photo, but is it just about the photo or is it about the person? Like, that's the psychological between when we talk about chemistry versus compatibility, that it has to be, it has to stand the test of time, like you just said. That's what it's about. It's about having the balance of both. I'm not saying you should be with somebody you're not have chemistry towards, but chemistry can also be, you know, an energy thing. It can be a personality thing, it could be how they carry themselves, how they how they are with other people that in confidence but not arrogance that makes somebody so like yes, you know, that chemistry builds from that too.

Amanda West 12:38

Yes, desirable.

Endorphins, Pheromones, And Why Sparks Convince

Renee Richel 12:39

I agree. Okay, so next question from our audience that came in. Why does chemistry feel so convincing in the moment?

Amanda West 12:49

Well, I 100% think that that is an endorphin release. Yes, that's what I was gonna say. And in the culture that we're in, we we live off this endorphin release. We do we have completely put ourselves in the cycle that we're litting for the next endorphin release. Yeah. Constantly. Yes.

Renee Richel 13:09

And obviously, like the pheromones from colognes, perfumes, all of those things that is a multi-billion dollar probably business, right? I don't know the exact number, so please don't quote me. But why do we wear perfume in cologne? To draw somebody in because of that scent that naturally gets our pheromones moving. Yeah, right. So, you know, when you talk about that, why are we drawn into somebody? What is it? What was the question? Why does chemistry feel so convincing in the moment? Because your idea of what you find attractive is there, their scent, the way they carry themselves, and all of these things that you get lost up in lust opposed to love. Yes. And so it feels it's like it's like a brand new shining object. Like we're it's technology, it's a new car, it's a new outfit, and we're like, oh my gosh, we're so excited. Right. And then, you know, the car gets scratched, right? It gets old, you realize everybody else has it. The technology is no longer fun, and you've worn the outfit five times, you're not wearing it anymore. Like it just is, it's no longer exciting because it's not new and fresh. So that's how I would describe like why chemistry in the beginning, because you don't know anything about them. It's exciting. Yeah, it's then after you know more about them, does the conversation continue as if it was your first date five years down the road right now?

Timelines: Six Months, Nine Months, One Year

Amanda West 14:41

And that's why it's so important in the beginning to really pay attention to Are we compatible? Yes, that's so true. Because at some point, the chemistry is just not going to be on fire the way that it was the day that you met each other. It's just not in my well, I mean it should, but maybe not every day. And they right, it's not gonna be every day, every moment. Real life comes into place. Yes, right? Yes, and you you can correct me if you think that I'm wrong on this, but I feel like in a relationship when you're dating, I feel like right around six months is a good time frame that that sizzle comes down a little bit, and you you start to see like that the real in and outs of the relationship and how things or how real life is going to come into play. Yeah. And then I think at another mark is at a year, you see it even more so. And it's good to give yourself that time. We were talking about this before we sat down. It's so good to give yourself that time in the relationship, right? Yeah. To make sure that all of the compatibility is there with the chemistry, right? Like you want to maintain that chemistry and figure out how to keep that going as well. But all of those things have to come into play.

Faith First: Discernment And Non‑Negotiables

Renee Richel 15:57

It's so true. And I usually typically say nine months just from study, because six months we can still carry it. Okay. But six months you'll start to see it. Nine months you'll really start to witness it. But definitely go through all the seasons, if not a little bit more, because it is amazing how people can keep a front. But does it stand the test of time? Right. And so, I mean, I think it goes back to the whole thing we were talking about earlier. Like be wise, uh, be quick to listen, slow to respond, and just take everything to the Lord, right? And every decision that we're, you know, when you when you're thinking, is this chemistry or is this lust or is this love or is this, you know, um compatibility? Right. You know, and and know, I mean, the advice that I'm always sharing when we talk about like our course and just in general, spend quality time with God and ask him, because he knows whether I think so many people struggle with this, and this is like its own podcast on its own, but I even struggle with this sometimes is I'm like, I feel like I need to go to God when I'm like either praising him or I'm like asking him for something, but I don't ever go to him as frequently as I should. And I'm saying this out loud to all and myself too, as a reminder. We need to go to him even when we have concerns. We don't often go to God when we have a concern. And so when we're thinking about compatibility versus chemistry, or non-negotiable should be things that maybe are concerns of ours, why we haven't fallen in love yet, why we haven't found that person. Like those should be things that we go to God and say, Lord, I'm concerned about this. My concerns are this. Help me to hear you, feel you, and acknowledge what it is I need so that I'm not falling on lust and just chemistry, and I'm also falling on compatibility because you know my future way beyond what I think I know. And you know what I need today and tomorrow. And help me write those words down and then write it down and use that as your accountability that will forever be changing, but yet so you don't get in the wrong relationships just on chemistry and not on compatibility. And if they don't match, at least I always say if you write 15, 25, 35, 50 things down, if they don't match your top four, it's not the one. That is truly just chemistry that will not send the last test of time because you just wrote this without.

Amanda West 18:20

I agree. And I think in relationships, taking it to a word I think we're so quick to respond. When we're in a relationship and things come up or we're not sure if we're like, oh, this seems like it's not going the way that I thought it was. Don't take it into your own hands immediately.

Renee Richel 18:43

Yes, yes. When you seek answers, I mean there's tons of people that come to me and they say, Well, I asked my friends and I asked my psychologist, and I'm like, where's the conversation of that you asked God? Because that's the only answer I want. Love our friends, love our psychologists, right? Like I get it. But the only answer I want to hear that you went to first and foremost is with God.

Amanda West 19:06

Right.

Renee Richel 19:06

Because He is the one who's gonna give you your answers. Then take that knowledge of the conversation you had with God to your friends and then to your psychology, whatever it is, right? Remember the source you're coming from. Don't find somebody I know when I was younger. I'd always go to somebody that would agree with me. Why? Why? Because I just wanted more affirmation that I was right. Where did that get me? That got me 10 steps further back from the Lord and Savior to get into my lane of my purpose now, because I was cutting God off at the knees, which is so wrong. So it's just also important that you really like you know your worth, you ask for what the Lord sees, and it's not always comfortable. It's definitely not always what we want, but it is so much better when we actually do that than we could ever imagine.

Slowing Down And Dating With Intention

Amanda West 19:53

Even in conversations and not just not just in romantic relationships, but in friendships. Can you take it to a Lord first and you allow him to have time to work on things before you go in in the conversation? Yeah. 100% of the time the conversation goes way better than if you just sort of went at it. Yeah. And I mean you always walk away from it, going, so right?

Renee Richel 20:19

Even when you think you can't do something, but if you have the Lord behind you in everything you do, you can do anything as long as you know you are speaking as a witness from him through you to somebody else, opposed to then saying, I'm doing this, right? It's amazing the things that come. And I think, you know, as our audience is learning more about your story as well. Um, you know, you and I off this have shared a lot of like heart-to-heart stories, is it's just going back to, you know, if we could tell our younger self this, this is what we would share with them. For me, I I finally found my true love later in life. All the seasons I had to go through, it's it's scary, it's difficult, it's lonely, it's exciting, it's upset, and it's just like, when is my time? Like, this is not fair. Why, Lord? Why? But I'm sitting here to say later in life, finally waking up to everything. I had to go through all of that because then you wouldn't be as appreciative as you are now to be the best mom, to be the best mate, to be the best, all of these things. And that we all have different seasons. And so stop comparing yourself to what the world wants you to believe you should be doing this, you should be doing that, and create your own story because God made us all individually differently for a reason, and he doesn't want us to all be the same. So, know whatever your neat unique story is. Don't get discouraged, don't get down on yourself, don't compare yourself. Just try your best every single day, going to him, and he will provide on all fronts.

Amanda West 21:52

That time in between is time for you to grow. Yeah. That's grow so that you can be the person that you can. The one that he has for you. Amen. So true.

Modern Pace Vs Patient Love

Renee Richel 22:03

So the next question, which is I feel like we've already answered this, but let's ask it because this is one of the other questions that somebody had asked or wrote in is how can someone slow down and assess compatibility, which I feel we just talked about, you know, writing down your needs, your wants, your non-negotiables, taking it to the Lord. I think if you're somebody that, I mean, I lived a life of like fast and furious. What I wanted, I would go after, I would get it. I it but it always led to a lonely result. Whether crashing and burning or feeling lonely at the end of it, I can say from my own life experience, I'll let you share yours. It never worked out. So when we slow down, live life, and we're were there for the you know, through the journey, me now, like I was saying earlier, falling in love later in life, it's also like it was worth it. But I wish I learned it all a lot earlier. So when we take our time, and especially in today's fast-paced, like drive-through it feels like dating world we live in, and everybody's watching, honestly, the most per most important person watching is is Jesus. And so when you ask yourself, like, okay, well, this person's single, okay, this person, oh, I gotta ask on this date today, I gotta ask on that date, da da da da, what are you doing? Like, if you truly want to find true love, date with intention, don't date around, don't just go on the next date because you have time and there's somebody like ask important questions early on, which of course, us as a matchmaking company, that's what we do before you even go on that first date to spare you when you're out there in the your own, though, and I get it, right? And you're not working with us, and I and I get it. Just don't be too quick just to go on a date to go on a date. Like, you know, get to know someone, show interest, show, show curiosity because you ultimately want somebody to be curious about you.

Amanda West 24:10

Right. That would be my two stories. Don't just stay in it because there's chemistry. If you know you see that there's not compatibility, the most valuable thing in this world is your time.

Takeaways And Listener Questions

Closing Blessing

Renee Richel 24:24

Yes. Yes, so don't waste your time. And we're not gonna have enough time on this earth somebody sitting there working a seat. Right. It's so true. And I think you know the world has changed so much in the dating path, right? From even back in the day when we were dating before internet. I mean, I'm not trying to date us, but right before any of the technology or anything that came out, to then the way of dating today and the way of fast pace is the problem is we have all gotten so used to getting what we want now when we want it. And that is not how God designed love to be, even our own relationships from when we were born, when God designed us before we even were born, to what he knew we would be in and out today. It's incredible how his favorite moments are when we slow down in in our presence. And I think if we take relationships that way, and and trust me, of all the people in the world, us both being female, we get it. The biological clock, all of the things, right? Right. I am now sitting here saying today, love my daughter more than anything in this world. I would love her just the same if she was not my blood or she was somebody else's child. It's different, yes, I get it. But it's also like I believe love is so much thicker than blood. And I believe God is the ultimate like feeling of true love. And when we go into every relationship feeling his heartbeat and his blessing, and we go at it with that approach, and two people do, um, I just I just truly feel that that's when we're talking about obviously this whole subject is about chemistry and compatibility. That's the compatibility. If more people spent time looking at that approach, they would truly have both chemistry and compatibility all in one. We hope you have found this beneficial and valuable, as we love having these conversations and the questions that you're writing in. Please continue to ask the questions that you want Amanda and I to answer in real girl talk conversation, talking about the real things that matter. And I truly believe men and women should be listening to this so that they can truly hear what's just happening and just in conversation when you're like, what do I do about this? Uh, I hope you have enjoyed this podcast on chemistry versus compatibility, because it's a real thing out there that people are struggling with to try to know and have and navigate the right direction of where they're going. So thank you, Amanda, for joining us. Thank you for having me. Always love chatting with you, and we cannot wait to hear any other questions you have or topics you want us to discuss. Please write in. I hope you have an incredible week. And if there's other topics you want to learn about, check out our podcasts from past years that are trending topics that never fade because love and relationships are something that is continuously growing. We're gonna love and leave you and hope you have a blessed day. It's been another great talk on this episode of 1 True Talks by Renee Richel. I look forward to our next chat. Please write in your questions and comments so I can be sure to talk about whatever it is you want to discuss in our next upcoming episode. Lots of Love. God Bless, XOXO.