The Sullivanians:Through a Blue Window ((c) 2019 shelley feinerman's Podcast
CULT! This podcast chronicles the rise and fall of the Sullivanian Institute and its members. The psycho-sexual therapy] and institute existed on Manhattan's Upper West Side from the 1970s through the 1990s. Directed to abandon family and friends, as we all were, after five years my life was inextricably altered. The podcast begins with my childhood, then goes on to my time in the Sullivanians, and 20 years later, its self-destruction when it was characterized as a cult. It is entitled Through a Blue Window: The Sullivanians and is dedicated to mother, Ruth.
The Sullivanians:Through a Blue Window ((c) 2019 shelley feinerman's Podcast
A Fragile Balance; The Suicde Attempt
Liz, who was new to the group, was my new roommate. Ours was her first group apartment and Aggie who could be a bully under the best of circumstances, had no sympathy for Liz when she spoke nostalgically about her life before the Sullivanians, holding her wedding album close, she'd often reminisce during house meetings.
“I’m tired of hearing you moon over your family. You’re not married anymore, and your family treated you like shit when you left your husband. Forget them already.”
And then Aggie uttered the phrase I’d become all too familiar with during my short time with the Sullivanians. It was what Jackson had said to me and what I had said to Monica, It was a phrase that begins a sentence but stops all further discussion in its tracks.
“My therapist said it was okay."
And then she continued, "My therapist said it was okay for me to tell Liz to stop or else."
Twenty--four hours later Liz had disappeared, vanished, and with her Aggie's prescription of Valium. After a frenzied night trying to locate Liz. hoping the worst hadn't happened, we finally learned the truth and how Aggie's toxic behavior had been the catalyst that had pushed Liz to the edge.
The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow can be seen on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
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Donna's roommate Aggie, the tab-guzzler from Thanksgiving who had a hammock instead of a bed, had been a lesbian long before she joined the group but once involved, her therapist had ordered her to get a diaphragm and use it, otherwise she couldn't stay and Aggie complied. A few months before my first amygdansett summer, donna and Aggie's apartment dramatically broke up after Nina's cat had accidentally fallen out of the window and everyone was blaming everyone else. Nina had already left, aggie explained in tears. Holly was moving out in the morning and Donna was leaving that night. But Aggie had no place to go. Nobody would take her. She didn't want to end up at the Paris the SRO building on West End Avenue that was purgatory for displaced celavadians with no place else to go. By what she was telling me poor Nina and the poor cat I was hardly prepared for. What came next? Aggie wanted to move into my apartment right away. Doris and Kathy's first reaction was no. But when I switched to the economic benefit for us all, our rents would be reduced they finally agreed. Doris moved into the large common room we rarely used and Aggie got her small corner room. After the summer it was hardly shocking that Doris didn't want to live with me anymore, and so, with a flip of a coin and some luck, I got to take over the lease. Kathy decided to leave too, and so Liz Saminsky and Kelly Stomis, who had helped me clean houses over the summer, moved in.
Speaker 1:Liz was new to the group and continued to speak nostalgically about her life before the celavadians holding her wedding album close. Aggie had no sympathy for this and groused about it whenever Liz turned to the subject during a house meeting. I'm tired of hearing you moon over your family. You're not married anymore and your family treated you like shit when you left your husband. Forget them already. And then Aggie uttered the phrase I'd become all too familiar with during my short time with the celavadians. It was what Jackson had said to me and what I had said to Monica. It stopped all further discussion in its tracks. My therapist said I'm telling her to stop, and my therapist said it was okay. Aggie said I don't care. Not everyone has to hate their family as much as you do, aggie.
Speaker 1:Meeting in the group is a difficult adjustment, and Liz has only been here for three months and enough already. It's not enough, because Liz shouldn't be calling home. Aggie went on relentlessly Are you ordering me to stop speaking to my parents. Liz S, what's going to happen if I don't? I'd ask the apartment to ask you to leave. You're just shitting around. Go out and get a job. Either you want to stay here or you don't. Nobody's asking anybody to move out. Are we agreed on that? I asked, looking around to the others, finally getting a nod of support. Aggie, you need to stop talking for all of us At this point. Liz stood up explaining. It just so happens that I have to leave right now. I've got a job interview at a club in Newark. Ellen is coming with me.
Speaker 1:Liz had been friends with Ellen Durrani from their days at Rutgers University. It was Ellen who had brought Liz into the group. What kind of club is there in Newark? Aggie asked suspiciously An exotic dance club? Freddie said I could handle it as it was. Freddie was Liz's therapist too. Besides, serena is still doing it. Liz was referring to Serena Balamente, one of Lainey's roommates, who was an exotic dancer long before she joined the group. You're wrong, said Aggie. No for a fact from Lainey that Serena wants to stop dancing. Aggie said her face twisted with contempt it doesn't matter what you say. Liz said walking away. Then she grabbed her coat and left the apartment.
Speaker 1:Years later, liz was long overdue for her apartment date. That night, when midnight came, with still no call, heidi and I started to feel uneasy. We went to the kitchen and checked her schedule. Liz had had a seven o'clock dinner date with John Hoyt. Luckily John was at his apartment and told us that Liz had blown off their dinner date without calling. Then we tracked down Ellen at her waitressing gig and learned the auditions had dragged on longer than expected and at 6 pm Ellen had needed to leave for work and had left Kelly alone at the club.
Speaker 1:As it was now after 1 am, we decided it was time to call Freddy. Aggie, who thought we were overacting, had already left for the party. After several telephone calls we found Freddy at the party too. Liz is missing. I shouted over the blaring music Hold on, I'm going into another room. Then a moment later the music had stopped and Freddy was back on the line. Tell me what happened. She said, and I did. I'm sure Liz is fine. She said her voice tight and controlled. She's probably had too much to drink and is passed out in someone's apartment. But you did the right thing by calling me. I knew Freddy was trying to sound reassuring but I wasn't convinced. Get some help. Call me at 8 in the morning if you haven't heard from her, unless you hear from her before that, no matter what the time.
Speaker 1:I finally fell asleep around 4 am, but at 6 o'clock I was prodded away by the assistant ringing of what I thought was a church bell. Realizing it was the phone, I reached into the grab bag pile of last night's clothes and brought the receiver quickly to my ear. It was Freddy. Still no word, she asked. When I answered in the affirmative, freddy laid out the course that she wanted us to follow Look through Liz's things and see if you can find her date book. You and Kelly call some of the people she knew at Rutgers and ask them to help you. If you find her parents or her husband's telephone number, call, but try not to let on that you think anything's wrong. If she's not with any of them, go to the police station and file a missing persons report. After you've done all that, call me back and listen. I don't want Aggie involved with any of this Understood.
Speaker 1:John Hoyt, kelly, ellen and Virginia Lang, friends of Liz's from Rutgers, had all gathered at our apartment as a show of support and we were sitting around the kitchen table, eyes red from lack of sleep. There was no address book, None of them knew how to reach her family and the police wouldn't take a report for another two days because Liz was over 21. Then, late in the afternoon, after an anxious day of waiting, aggie discovered her valium was missing. I think you should call Freddie again, she said. The vial was filled to the top.
Speaker 1:Before I could react, the phone rang, startled. I took a breath and answered Hello, yes, one second. I covered the receiver and whispered it's a woman and she asked for you, for Virginia. I handed her the receiver and she listened intently for three to four minutes, then hung up. That was Liz, she's all right, scared us shitless. Aggie yelled, shaking the empty valium bottle. And what about the drugs? Shut up for once, aggie.
Speaker 1:Virginia said and don't pretend, you give a fuck, you're getting what you wanted. She's not coming back here. You wouldn't have known this, but that strip club isn't far from where Liz and her husband lived. I knew Ellen, said in a whisper, but I had to return to the city and she seemed okay when I left her. Virginia looked at her with reproach but continued. She left the club and went to see him. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing. Maybe the house meeting had something to do with it, but I'm sure all of Aggie's reproach didn't help. She begged him to take her back, but he wouldn't even let her in the house. He just screamed at her through the scream door you cunt.
Speaker 1:That was when Liz Took what was left of Aggie's Valium. Luckily it wasn't enough to do serious harm. But when the police found her wandering the street she was incoherent and didn't know her name. They put her in a hospital psych ward to sleep it off and when she woke up they called her parents. She was going to live with them for now. Tomorrow someone is coming for her belongings and Liz doesn't want anyone from your apartment calling or making contact.
Speaker 1:Confused and unsettled by all that had happened, I set up an emergency session for later. That afternoon Freddie, who had usually sat curled in the corner of her overstuffed chair, was sitting on the edge, her expression unreadable. I closed the double doors and sat down. Are you angry with me, freddie? I'm not angry with you, but this is very serious. A patient of mine tried to commit suicide and I need to know what happened in that apartment. From the beginning, freddie said slowly and carefully I thought you wouldn't want to be my therapist anymore. This is not about you, but yes, I'm still your therapist. I need you to know that you and your roommates let Aggie's psychotic rage control you. She bullied Liz and she bullied you, and you all were complicit in letting it go on. You should know that, in actuality, lewin's interpersonal theory of growth sees what Liz did as a sign of progress. She has been challenging the core of her deprivation. At the end of the session, freddie said Aggie isn't a good person for you to be friends with and you should think about living somewhere else.