The Sullivanians:Through a Blue Window ((c) 2019 shelley feinerman's Podcast
CULT! This podcast chronicles the rise and fall of the Sullivanian Institute and its members. The psycho-sexual therapy] and institute existed on Manhattan's Upper West Side from the 1970s through the 1990s. Directed to abandon family and friends, as we all were, after five years my life was inextricably altered. The podcast begins with my childhood, then goes on to my time in the Sullivanians, and 20 years later, its self-destruction when it was characterized as a cult. It is entitled Through a Blue Window: The Sullivanians and is dedicated to mother, Ruth.
The Sullivanians:Through a Blue Window ((c) 2019 shelley feinerman's Podcast
From the history tapes:The 1960s and Echoes of Innocence Lost
This painful episode depicts the moments of sexual awakening. First with Kenny, my summer crush who loved me, but then taking a sharp turn to the unsettling encounter with Robert Scheinman the most popular boy in the senior class.
Imagine a house party that veered off-course spiraling into chaos, an event that would leave my mother in a rage if found out. And the disappointment in realizing that for Robert it was only about sex.
The intensity escalates with a chilling story that shifts to a .gripping account of a night that took an unwelcome turn, morphing from casual fun to an unwarranted assault. This narration bears the burden of exploitation and understanding consent and the scars left when ignored. This peeled-back narrative is marked by betrayal, that is as raw as it is real. By sharing these deeply personal stories, I hope to preserve a piece of history from the 1960s that emphasizes the enduring importance of finding the strength to speak out which I did not possess at the time. And in breaking this silence about sexual assault the hope is that the response is one of empathy, respect, and compassion
The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow can be seen on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you
In the early 1960s, society was in flux and Forest Hills High School, like most high schools, was a microcosm of that shift, though still formal in terms of dress codes and behavior expectations. Sex was the favorite behind-the-scenes indoor sport. There was a silent sexual revolution happening before the FDA approved the pill and sex moved out from the shadows. But at the time nobody wanted to be slut-shamed. The intimate details were only shared with your best friend. After Cam Toledo ended, I didn't expect to hear from Kenny again. Ours was a summer romance after all. But when he called he began to travel back and forth from 162nd Street in the Bronx to my apartment in Forest Hills. That was something else entirely. Kenny told me I was special and I believed him and that he wanted to be with me more than anybody from up till then. And he introduced me to sex. Everything but going all the way. Unpretentious, with a deep nasal intonation to his voice. He was easy to overlook his quick wit and intelligence. My mother did. She thought he was common and Sheila thought he looked like Alfred E Newman. But what did they know about how he made me feel I was his, my girl? And even today, when I hear the song, I'm 15, again wrapped in the loamy odor of his body. Rachel missed it too. She kept insisting that I could do better, and eventually, though there was no one else warming the bench, I accepted their reality and told him I wanted to stop dating.
Speaker 1:The following spring, rachel heard that Robert Scheinman, one of the most popular boys in the senior class, was interested in me, and she arranged for us to meet accidentally, on purpose, at the upcoming senior night. The heavy odor of canoeing wafed it past my nose and, as the light stimmed, robert slipped into the empty seat I had been saving for him. You look really good tonight, he whispered in my ear. You know, if I put your face on Rachel's body, I could probably create the perfect girl. Is that supposed to be a compliment? Sorry, I meant that you look nice, ok. So what's happening up there? He asked, pointing his chin towards the stage. Over the collar of his blue custom-made shirt, a tiny RS was embroidered on the pocket, and the shirt-tails were tucked into his perfectly pressed jeans. His short brown hair, almost as curly as mine, glistened with brill, cream, skits and stuff. I said some of it's funny, I guess. How come you're not up there, kid stuff? He shot back with contempt. By now he draped his arm over the back of my chair, but his hand rested perilously close to my breast and I shifted uncomfortably. So, doll, he said, how come we never got together before? Guess, you're kind of the shy type, but that's OK, I like shy. Then he stood up and pulled me from my seat. Let's grab a smoke.
Speaker 1:It was a moonless night and we crossed to one of the many side streets that spiked out from the school like a wheel. He stopped by the first parked car, lit a Benson in hedges and pulled me between his outstretched legs. He was already hard and I could feel the heat of the cigarette dangling near my cheek. The lights are on in that house over there, robert. I said, pushing him away. Let's go back. Rachel is waiting for me. I wasn't going to let this guy into my pants so quickly. No problemo, you're not mad, are you, doll? He took my hand again, but when we reached the front steps he left me to join his friends. See you later, doll.
Speaker 1:I found Rachel waiting for me outside the auditorium. I told her what had happened. He started to grind and I kind of freaked out. You know he's not all that bright and it wasn't the most scintillating conversation I ever had with a guy. He's a senior and he likes you, doesn't he? She said this way you can come to the senior prom with me and Barry and then you can cut him loose. Come on, give it a try, and I have this great idea Since your mother and Sheeler are going away for the weekend, invite Robert over, and Barry and me. Of course We'll bring the beer and I'll see if Barry can find some reaper. If you don't feel differently, we'll cut him loose then, and so I did.
Speaker 1:Robert arrived right on time, but with an entourage, and it seemed he'd also spread the word. I was having an open house For the next two hours. The doorbell rang and kept ringing. Robert had disappeared into the crowd and Rachel was in no show, and each time I turned the stereo down, somebody else turned it back up. The apartment looked like New Year's Eve on Times Square, wreaking a marijuana, and couples were having sex in the bathroom, exhausted, near tears and afraid my mother would learn about the party.
Speaker 1:Robert suddenly appeared by my side, trapping me between his outstretched arms and the wall. Where the fuck have you been? Look at this place. I was struggling to get free. Nobody told you to invite all these people. You have to tell them to leave. Be cool, doll. And then he tried to push his hands under my red t-shirt. You have great tits and you look sexy tonight. I know you have an inferiority complex, but you shouldn't, because you're really pretty. You just need a little confidence, inferiority. I gave him a hard punch in the chest and I left him gasping for air. The downstairs intercom was buzzing. It was the police. One of the neighbors had complained about the noise. The party is over, you don't have to come up. I screamed back into the intercom and this time I pulled the plug on the stereo and screamed everyone out. And that's when racial appeared. Where the fuck have you been? This was your fucking idea. And I've been here, along with Robert, who's an asshole. Look, just explain later. Help me get rid of everybody.
Speaker 1:After the last person had left, we surveyed the damage. Beer cans, cigarette butts, liquor bottles, cups, pizza donuts, crumpled wax, paper wrappings and paper bags littered the apartment and some fiend had upturned the potted plants, crushing some of the leaves and spilling the damp soil onto the table and mustard rug. Ever so slowly. We lifted the clumps of soil off the rug and carefully refilled each pot, puffing the table back to its original luster. I started to vacuum and Rachel went to check the bedroom, and that's when she found the guitar. Somebody peed in this. She said, holding out my old guitar. And is that pee dripping onto the floor? Fucking animals? How did they find it? It was in my closet. I rinsed it out. She said you rinsed out the guitar. Well, it was already wet, wasn't it? I couldn't think of anything else to get rid of the odor.
Speaker 1:By four in the morning we'd filled several bags with garbage and placed them in the incinerator room. I was confident my mother would never know what went down that night. The apartment had been returned to pristine order and then I found the telephone lying upside down with its wire pulled from the wall, like a sad puppy. What am I going to tell my mother about this, I asked, holding out the broken princess phone in my hand. Rachel was smoking, a joint splayed across the couch and loopy rings of smoke circled overhead. I collapsed next to her and she passed me the joint. Jesus, I feel really terrible. I'm so sorry. You were right. This is all my fault. The telephone sat in my lap and the wire hung loosely from my hand. Listen, tell your mother you don't know what happened. Maybe you can say it got stuck in the drawer. And then when you pulled it, it, it, I don't know. Just tell her. A rat nodded. And then we both burst out laughing. I rested my head on her lap.
Speaker 1:You know what Robert had the nerve to say to me? He said that I had an inferiority complex. What a jerk. Rachel said she lit another joint and took a long hot pole and passed it to me. Barry and I went all the way. She blurted out oh jeez, so that's where you were late, are you okay? I mean, did you want to do it? We've been going almost all the way for quite a while, you know that. But this was different. I don't know how to describe the feeling. Weird, nice. It hurt a little at first. I mean, the thing is big. But then it didn't hurt anymore and it was exciting. One thing we have to come up with a different place than his car. By July the Robert Fiasco was almost forgotten, and when school started again in the fall, rachel and I were going to be seniors. Her father had finally hit the big time with a chain of fabric stores throughout New Jersey, and that summer my mother had agreed to let Rachel stay with us while her parents traveled. Our dream summer had come true.
Speaker 1:Tommy Elkin had graduated two years before us with a diploma in cruising and looking cool, his little red triumph convertible would be parked in front of the high school every afternoon and he'd be leaning against the hood smoking a cigarette. Dressed in black and his dark wavy hair and scrawny goatee, he reminded me of my sister's friend Sidney, who hung out in Greenwich Village. Rachel and I spent as many days as we could at the beach, usually getting there by bus or by thumb, whatever happened first. One day I was waiting for the bus. Tommy rounded the corner. His red car, brilliant in the sunlight. He pulled up short twin suns reflecting in his mirrored sunglasses, a pack of maulbaro tucked under the sleeve of his white shirt. Come on, ladies, one in the front, one in the back. He yelled and Rachel, sensing an opportunity for me, climbed into the jump seat. Tommy was reckless driver and I was windblown and breathless by the time he dropped us off near the boardwalk to find a parking spot.
Speaker 1:The beach at National Boulevard was crowded, but Rachel and I found a place near the water. We stripped down to our bathing suits and bolted for the ocean like we were looking to put out a fire. I stayed in the water for a long time, jumping and crashing against the waves, until I was dragged under, scraping my thigh. As I rolled over onto the sand, breathless, a bruise was already forming. The beach was a maze of glistening bodies and striped umbrellas. Nobody looked familiar. I walked in circles for a few minutes and then heard someone calling my name. It was Tommy, waving his arms like a signal flag. I tripped over several bodies before I threw myself down on the blanket. Jesus, I was beginning to freak out. Where did all these people come from? Hey, how's the water? He asked. The water's fabulous. I could've stayed in all day, but I got this, I said, pointing to my leg. I reached for my straw hat, the one I'd bought in Miami during Christmas break, when Rachel's parents had taken me along on their trip. It was one of the reasons my mother couldn't say no to Rachel staying with us.
Speaker 1:"'that looks nasty. You should put some fresh water on that', he said. "'so you're Rachel's friend, right? I heard about you'. "'really, you heard about me'. "'my heart jumped. Had he heard about Robert'? "'i don't understand'.
Speaker 1:I said "'I heard you're Rachel's best friend' "'And Barry Gottlieb is her boyfriend, right'? "'a real jerk-off'. He sneered. "'i live down the block from her and I've seen her getting into that lame, souped-up old sea-drives. "'he was making me feel uncomfortable. "'but then, abruptly, the hostility was gone and he turned on the charm.
Speaker 1:"'hey, turn around and I'll put some oil on your back. "'thanks, but I think I'm going to go in again. "'you sure you don't want to come in'? "'i'm cool, I don't like getting wet. "'but I'll wait for you and we'll get something for that scrape'. "'by the time we were ready to leave, it was getting late and the sun had turned the water marmalade orange.
Speaker 1:"'tommy offered to drive us home and as we drudged across the cool sand, "'he hooked his arm around my waist. "'wait up, a second doll. I want to ask you something. "'my parents are away this weekend and I'm having some people over tomorrow night. "'can you make it around eight o'clock' "'The following night I raided my sister's closet, pairing a silk shirt with a pair of jeans.
Speaker 1:"'i didn't know what to expect and I was surprised by the expensive-looking brickhouse. "'with a sculpted lawn and leafy trellis. "'inside, the mood was subdued. "'a white sheer carpet covered the living room floor and I had to remove my shoes. "'the air conditioner was on and I shivered. "'there were several girls I didn't know sitting on an amoeba-shaped couch. "'that Tommy had covered with a couple of blue bedsheets. "'and watch your drinks' he shited the guy standing at the mirrored bar in the corner of the room. "'my father's a real bastard and I don't want any shit from him if he finds out I had people over.
Speaker 1:"'somebody brought out the marijuana and after a few hits and a couple of beers I was wasted. "'couples paired off and began making out. "'let's go upstairs'. Tommy whispered as he grabbed my hair with his hand, creeping under my shirt. "'except for a Dylan poster, his bedroom was a nondescript a bed, beige rug, desk and a hardback chair.
Speaker 1:"'wasting no time, he locked the door, put Johnny Mathis on the turntable "'and wrapped his arms around my waist, nuzzling my neck. "'i twisted away, knowing my mother's hickory radar would notice the tiniest spot. "'i went to the window, which overlooked a pretty garden. "'and when I turned around, tommy was standing with his pants around his ankles. "'wait what? I don't even know this guy. Had I missed something? Had I done something' "'He pushed me to the bed.
Speaker 1:I didn't understand what was happening and I didn't know what to do. "'i tried to sit up, but he leaned in and as he kissed me, he undressed me with double-jointed dexterity, "'slipping my jeans and panties over my hip to my ankles, then to the carpet with his bare feet "'I yelled. I wanted him to stop. But was that in my mind? "'because if I was speaking out loud, why wasn't he listening? "'i beseeched him over and over to listen. There had been a misunderstanding. I didn't want this.
Speaker 1:"'please stop, please stop. God, make him stop'. But God didn't make him stop, and suddenly Tommy was fingering me hard. Then he gripped my hand tightly and wrapped it around his penis. "'come on, move your hand like this' he said. Then he was inside of me and, though I didn't feel it, I knew he was there. I tried pushing him away, but his hands were on my shoulders, his arms holding me down. He was in midair now and I was staring at the Dylan poster waiting for him to finish. "'eeee, ee, ee, ee'. He bade like a hound that had heard some faraway noise. A moment later, his skinny arms buckled from the strain and he rolled away.
Speaker 1:I pulled the sheet over my sweaty body, wishing it would hide the shame, and waited for Tommy to say something, but he didn't. He just lit a cigarette, smoking it down to the yellow tip filter in silence and then stepped into his jeans. "'you were great, doll'. He finally said. "'great'. I queried Tommy. "'i was a virgin, you know, and I didn't ask for that. "'you're kidding, I thought you were a pro', he said with no remorse. I never saw Tommy again, and weeks later I learned he taped us having sex with a recorder hidden beneath his bread, and he was charging five bucks to anyone who wanted a listen'.