Gender•ish with Kemi & Nnedi
Ever wonder how stereotypes can be limiting? Join hosts Kemi and Nnedi on this podcast as they explore the impact of stereotypes In our quest for a fair and balanced society. Through engaging discussions inspired by real-life experiences, expert insights, and observations from our ever-evolving world, Kemi and Nnedi will challenge prevailing gender stereotypes, one episode at a time.
Founder & Creator: Kemi Gbadamosi - 2023
Gender•ish with Kemi & Nnedi
13. Dear Mother-In-Law: Transforming Tensions into Familial Harmony (pt 2)
In this concluding episode of our "Dear Mother-In-Law" series, our conversation sheds light on how underlying fears, power struggles, and unaddressed trauma can fuel tension and disharmony, and how internalized misogyny can pit women against each other. From the comfort of nicknames to the shared joy of family gatherings, we focus on building trust and supportive bonds that enhance family dynamics. This episode is a heartfelt call to action, urging listeners to foster healing and a supportive environment where women uplift each other within the family unit.
To join the conversation, pose a question, or share your experience with negative gender stereotypes, please write to us at genderishp@gmail.com. Follow us on social media at genderishp on Instagram and @genderishp on X .
Remember, a just and equitable world is possible if we all play our part without discrimination or bias.
This podcast is produced by Crown City Studios.
Creator: Oluwakemi Gbadamosi
and to piggyback on what kemi has said, it's a whole lot. From the last question. There was something I failed to highlight, which is when you talked about talking to your mother-in-law about some of her clothes, saying, oh, keep it when I come to Lagos, and she's like fine. Now, for some people, that statement will be interpreted as she wants me to die. Why is she asking for my clothes, you know. So that's one.
Speaker 1:Two, in this conversation you talked about power dynamics, especially where mothers-in-laws and daughters-in-laws live in the same house. She's used to being the queen of the manor and then, all of a sudden, this girl comes from nowhere and wants to assert her position. Now, these things breed fear. A lot of these belief systems, these gender stereotypes, were born from fear Fear from the men, the patriarchy, and then fear of the women, you know, losing their spot, losing their affection, losing the man's attention, losing control. Now this leads me to my next question. Can you tell us why it's important to address trauma? Because a lot of these behaviors were born from trauma. So can you just speak on the importance of addressing trauma in relationships and how? When we address these traumas, when we question, when we challenge these systems, these beliefs, these norms. You know how it can help us break the horrible cycle and the horrible gender stereotypes surrounding mother and daughter-in-law relationships.
Speaker 2:Okay. Well, if trauma is not addressed in relationships, it will linger and cause more harm in the relationship, in the family and in the marriage. Because one of the things I learned from my husband is talk about everything, talk about everything, you don't need to hide anything. So when there are issues, bring it on the table, let's talk about it. So whoever is wrong, of course you apologize. Whoever is right, okay, you can now appreciate what that person is saying.
Speaker 2:So if there's trauma in the home, you realize that there's no happiness. Everybody's angry angry over little things and then there's there'll be tension in the house, there'll be tension at home. Everybody is frowning and then what? There's tension. The home lost its peace, no more peace. You just see that the atmosphere becomes very heavy, everywhere is tense, and then you realize that people start falling sick. People start falling sick because there are things in you that you don't want to talk about, and probably the person is doing more things. That is getting you more angry and you cannot still talk about it. So when there's trauma at home, it's better you talk about it, so that everyone will now know how to correct himself or herself and then you move on in the relationship. Because one thing about issues at home if it's not talked about, you realize that it contributes to stereotype of that mother-in-law and daughter-in-law saga. So, just like what Kemi said, there's now power tussle. The mother-in-law now wants to be the one that will say the final thing. She has spoken, it's she that must be obeyed. So when she speaks, nobody speaks after her and she tends to reinforce that authority that everybody must follow.
Speaker 2:And then, as a daughter-in-law, you are in that house where you know that things are just going wrong. You cannot just say anything. You know you are no longer happy. And then somehow along the line, you know there's this threat that she may just harm you, she may do something to you. This is what she wants us to do. And then, as a daughter-in-law, you just know that these things that she's telling you you can't do it. You are not comfortable with it. So you are being threatened at home. So you have to look for a way to talk about those things. If you don't address them, it keeps piling up. That's one thing about trauma.
Speaker 2:When there's an issue you don't talk about it, the wound keeps increasing, it keeps expanding and then everybody is muted. For example, if a woman lost her daughter or she lost a child and then, because there's the issue going on in the house, she may be thinking that the mother-in-law is involved in what happened to her child and there will be no more peace in the house because she'll be pointing fingers and then this woman can also go diabolical. She wants to fight back, she wants to hit back, you understand. So when there's an issue in the house, it should be addressed and addressed properly, so that each party will agree that okay, we are okay with this and they apologize. So after the apology, you know everything goes back to status quo. But if there's no apology, I just say, okay, this person has apologized and there's no response. You know that the issue is still there, biting, and then, as time goes on, other things will be coming out of it. So I think that trauma should be addressed, because this will also help you can fight some negative patterns.
Speaker 2:There are some things that happen in the house. Because all of you are on the same page, you can fight back. There was a woman I know of who said, at a particular age, the family she got married from, at a particular age, the men would die, the men would die. So and then her husband came to that age and then he became sick and then she had to really pray, do a lot of spiritual things to fight back in order to, you know, allow her husband to stay alive. So that's a pattern in the family. So when there are issues and it's not addressed, you see that nobody can fight. A lot of things will still keep going on wrong because nobody's talking about the issues on ground. And then you begin to suspect each other, you suspect each other in the home. You think this person is doing this, you think this person has said this. Then so many assumptions begin to come into play because you are not sure of anything. You may be thinking of what somebody is doing, why the person is not even doing those things or even thinking about those things.
Speaker 2:So I think that trauma should be properly addressed in any relationship, even between a husband and the wife. So when there is an issue between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, I think that it should also be addressed. There are periods where the husband may be the person to address the issue, or her father-in-law should be the one that will come in to and then address the issue. And then, when discussing all these things, they must ensure that both parties agree, because if they are not in agreement and you will not want to favor one person and disfavor the other one, so of course they say, two runs cannot make a right. So you make the discussion in such a way that one of them, if trauma is not addressed, you realize that a lot of things are not settled.
Speaker 2:And then if you're able to do that, it will reduce a kind of misinterpretation. Sometimes you just misinterpret someone when of course that is not even what is going on in that house. So normally, even between children and parents, there are things that also happen in the home that you just have to address. And you must teach your children as well to be able to address. When there are issues, address and then go forward, instead of keeping one down. Something is going wrong, you bottle it and then you are doing other things that will also add to the issues that the family already has, dr Christy, thank you so much.
Speaker 1:I don't even know where to start, but this particular question was very heavy and it's very important because the African society believes in brushing things under the rug, sweeping things under the carpet, and this now feeds, like you said, when trauma isn't addressed, it feeds the decay, it feeds the breakdown of communication, it feeds the breakdown in the relationship, it breeds fear and then it fosters an environment for, you know, harmful stereotypes, harmful system, harmful belief systems to thrive. So it's important, you know, that we begin to reinvestigate, you know, challenge these norms. Who says we shouldn't speak about stuff? Who says that? You know, we shouldn't have a sit down, family, sit down, mommy, you were wrong, or daughter, you were wrong. And then everybody, you know, has a conversation, everybody's voice is heard, you know, everyone is seen and it levels the playing field. Like you said, if you don't address this, then everybody, people, begin to suspect each other and then you are not, you don't, you don't speak with one voice, you're not united and you cannot fight anything else.
Speaker 1:So when trauma isn't addressed, there's infighting and because there's infighting, you're not able to face challenges, you're not able to challenge the so-called generational curses. You continue to pass down these, these stereotypes, these curses from one generation to the other, and that's why we have daughters going around praying that their mother-in-laws die. It's because of trauma. Yes, it's because of trauma and that's why, in some families, men die at a certain age. It's trauma. They don't address stuff and then they've accepted it as a norm. You know, people are walking around unhappy, unhealthy, and then something once this time oh, I'm sorry they be for my family. We know they, you know so it's. Thank you so much for delving into this topic, kemi.
Speaker 3:I've just been listening to dr awuno and then also your submission as well, and it just tells us that if we don't deal with trauma, it has ripple effects, a myriad of implications on quality of life, quality of a family, quality of living and even just the ability to foster healthy relationships within the home, whether it's between mothers-in-law or daughters-in-law. And I think that's very, very important for people to think on, because sometimes a number of people act based on the trauma that they've had to go through. That's what they use, so they project that on other people. They project that on the children-in-law or even the parents-in-law, and it's important to deal with that. At the root of this whole discussion, the goal is to improve the relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law and just general family, because we've also had people who commented. I remember Nnedi, when we had people write in and some people talked about oh, even sisters-in-law as well tend to make things difficult for daughters-in-law and Dr Awuna's sharing about how she gets along, even with everyone. Again, it goes back to the foundation. So dealing with trauma individually and collectively is always very important as we try to foster better relationships in our homes and in our communities and just with one another. I wanted to just highlight.
Speaker 3:Another thing that I hear I think it's also given that the times are evolving is the fact that usually generational differences in gender expectations also cause a lot of friction. A lot of mothers-in-law are from maybe the older generation right Years ago. Things were different then and then now things are different. We have mothers-in-law who would hold on to very old, rigid ideas of gender expectations, and then you have daughters-in-law who have more progressive, egalitarian ideas about marriage and domestic life years about marriage and domestic life. I think one thing that is important, which is something that came out from what Dr Awuna was sharing, is the need to listen to each other, to hear each other. I think Nnedi talked about it being seen and being heard that the way things were done in your time does not necessarily mean that that's how it should be done now, and there should be an appreciation of the fact that, just as life evolves, gender norms are evolving too. There was a time where women couldn't vote. There was a time where women couldn't open bank accounts without men's permission. We had a time where even women could not be seen in any leadership or political space. But all of that is changing, and that also means even within the home front and the relationships that we have. There should be an evolution in a way that is mutually respectful, in a way that honors each other mutually and in a way that uplifts each other.
Speaker 3:Because the other side of it is, if you're not dealing with the issues, if you're not talking it out, you are festering a ground that makes it impossible to enjoy the relationship right, to enjoy the marriage, to enjoy the family. We always say that marriage is a unifying of two families to become one, but I'm always just. It makes me sometimes I scoff at it because I'm like do we really do we really believe that? Do we really practice it? Because if we do, then it should be so in its entirety, right, it should be so all across the board. And that speaks to even trust, trust between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, fathers-in-law and their sons-in-law, brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law. That trust to say, you know, we'll give this person the benefit of the doubt on both sides because they're coming together to form something very beautiful, right?
Speaker 3:I also think that some of Dr Awuno's experiences speaks to addressing the internalized misogyny that often comes up, the belief that I talked about it earlier competing for men's gaze and attention, and the belief that women should compete with each other. You know these are basically feeding into patriarchy. Patriarchy designs for women to constantly be at loggerheads, but yet we have seen that internalized misogyny pits women against each other, and that's the same thing we see in the home between mothers Not all. So there are beautiful stories, please. There are beautiful stories and Dr Awuna's story is one of those many beautiful stories, but it's just to say, majority.
Speaker 3:Usually, these internalized misogyny pits women against each other. So you see mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law at loggerheads, not agreeing. Rather, what it should be is to foster solidarity, to foster a cycle of support of love, love of love, raising you each other right, and that's what we want for women. We want women to hold each other up. We want women to support each other right, because otherwise, if we're not doing that, we end up creating the cycle of rivalry and judgment and criticism, and I don't think anybody wants to be in a home or in a space where they're made to feel less than right, where they're made to feel like they don't belong.
Speaker 3:We've seen cases of even people saying virtually everything they do. The mother-in-law wants to have a say on how you should do this, how you should cook this, how you should touch this how you should. And it's like you're saying you don't trust her enough, you don't think she knows a thing, you don't think she was raised right. Right, because that's what you're indirectly showing. When you do things like that, when you try to control everything and how they act or do things, you're basically saying I don't trust that. You were raised well. How about we give each other a bit more trust? How about don't feed into the narrative that women hate each other? Because I'm sure dr awono's relationship with her mother-in-law continues to blossom and bloom because these are two women who respect each other. Her mother-in-law remember when she said even if she doesn't agree with her mother-in-law, she would say I don't agree with you, but it's okay, we can let it fly. And the reason is because there's that mutual respect.
Speaker 3:And yeah, we've also heard cases where you know your daughter-in-law, your son-in-law, should be a blessing, right, and vice versa Should be a blessing to the home and to the family. It shouldn't be a space for competition. We've heard stories of places where you know mothers-in-law don't want their daughters-in-law to be high flyers because they think it dims the light of their own children. But, like we always say, when women in marriages are high flyers. Who benefits? It's the fact of the name that she's married to, oftentimes right. That's where the benefit comes. That's where the benefit goes to, and parents-in-law should be able to take pride in the fact that you have children-in-law that are amazing, doing well, doing great stuff. They're not mediocre. That should be a source of pride. You should bask in that. You should even hold your head very high, right that your ghillie should be very big, that my children are doing well, so as my children, you know, my children they're all your children, so they're all.
Speaker 3:Yes, you should be, you should carry your shoulders very high because your, your children in law are not mediocre. But we've also read stories of where people say their mothers in law or fathers in law are not happy with you know just how well they're doing in their lives, in their career, in their businesses, and they're constantly trying to talk that down or they're constantly trying to, you know, trivialize who they are or what they are. And that brings me to the last question. We're almost there and that is Dr Awono. So you're going to give a final word to mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law and just family, general family dynamic. I just wanted to ask you you what are some of the mutual benefits you and your mother-in-law have had through your loving relationships? Like, what are some of the benefits or the blessings that have come out of both of you having a mutual loving relationship? I think it would be good for listeners to hear about that. How does it add to your family overall?
Speaker 2:okay, though I've mentioned some of them, yeah, but one of the things that I think I've benefited from personally. We talk about everything.
Speaker 2:We talk about everything at any time. There are no specific times when we have to create, to talk about some special things. So, and I've also learned from her wealth of wisdom. You know she has a lot to tell me and for me I listen and they make a whole lot of sense, things that she said like 19 years ago, 14 years ago. I'm experiencing some of them now, which, of course, what she had told me, I've been able to realign Because I'm seeing those things now in my life and in my marriage and it helps me to readjust. And then some of the benefits, of course, the children can go and have holiday with her without me being afraid of anything. They spend time with her, takes care of them, and then they return back home without me being worried about whether anything is going to happen to them or you know any of such. And then I also have benefited from her spiritual life because I see her like a cover for the whole family.
Speaker 2:She prays a lot and you see her even till date she has all night, she runs all night. Sometimes members of her parish comes to her home, they pray all night. She has that one at least twice in a week. And I used to wonder mommy, you are old, I don't understand why you are still praying, why this hard, while you are depriving yourself of sleep at your age now you need a lot of sleep, you need to rest. She said she's already used to it and then she just have to stand in for her children. So that's a lot to learn from, because I see that she doesn't sleep, she doesn't rest and we are sleeping and she's busy praying.
Speaker 2:So I see her as my spiritual mentor and that trust is there. I think the way we have lived all this while has created that trust. I can trust her with a lot of information. I can trust her with some things I don't even want my husband to know. I can discuss those things with her and she keeps them the way, exactly the way I want, and she wouldn't even tell him. So all of this have, you know, helped to increase even our bonding.
Speaker 2:And then she asked me anything that has to do with her health. She asked me questions around that and she knows that I'm the first person. She said you are my first doctor. So only when I tell her we are going to see the doctor there of course we are staying very far apart, you know, then she will now go run tests, read out all the results for me and I tell her what to do and, of course, if they have written medications for her, she wants me to concur to them. If I feel one is not okay and I remove it, she will just remove it. So I think those are the things that have benefited so far, and lots more. You know, if I have any challenge, she's the first person that I call.
Speaker 2:If I have any challenge, I call her in terms of oh, you need to pray about this, so this is going on, and all of that and she's ever willing to pray with me and then if I have any need or want something as the way I talk with, then she goes all the way to ensure that I enjoy those things. She just wants me to be happy. She wants me to be happy Anytime. I even talk to her on the phone and she's not comfortable with my voice, you know she will ask well, are you okay, what's wrong with you? And I also do the same thing. If my voice is low, wrong and she tells me you know, and then we can address it together.
Speaker 2:So these are some of the benefits to our loving relationship. I used to call her sometimes my buddy of life, you know, and you just laugh so honestly enjoying my mother-in-law, and I really want her to live for very many years. She's fine, she's healthy, she takes care of herself. I'm happy about that. Did you say she's 80 years old? She's 79 now. She's going to be 80 next year.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:But she doesn't even look 80. It doesn't sound like that age at all. She's full of life, highly spirited.
Speaker 1:So what I'm hearing is when there's these beautiful dynamics, there's peace, everyone is healthy, it fosters good health, and then for the grandchildren as well, it's a beautiful thing to see. You know, nobody's afraid, you feel like you can take on any challenge that comes on in life. Why? Because you know you have I get back in like you know somebody's praying for me, somebody's looking after me, somebody's looking after my children. I can easily have someone to share stuff with, yeah, without being afraid that, um, my story is going to be out there. So this is. This is beautiful to like. The benefits far out outweigh there's no disadvantage, as far as I can, I see, yeah, so and it's.
Speaker 3:And it's not that she she just only considers you as important because you are married to her son or you are going to know grandchildren. She considers you as important because you are married to her son or you are going to grandchildren. She considers you as important as an individual, as a person, you are important. It's beautiful that you share this and I hope our listeners walk away from this to say that, knowing that when you have lovely relationships, it improves the entire family. I like that when you say that you can talk to her about anything, I think most times people tend to forget that when marriage happens oftentimes for women, especially you you tend to spend more time because you're with your husband. So, by extension, you tend to spend more time with his family than you you would with your own first family, right, and that means that that also changes a bit in terms of dynamics. Before then, probably your mom was the person who was your go-to girl to share anything with, to talk to, about everything and anything, and because of how marriage is designed, it means that daughters-in-law are also looking for new safe spaces. It doesn't mean they disregard their mom, but because now you're spending more time with your husband and, by extension, with his family. You're going to go to more family gatherings on your husband's side than you would even on your own first family side, because of how marriage shifts. That especially for women. And it is saying that there is a need to become a safe space, a safe space that your daughter-in-law can lean into, can trust and will not be worried that if they share something with you, the whole family is going to hear about it. If they share something with you, you're going to use it to judge them. And again it goes back to when you see them like your own children. You will treat them like your children. You won't treat them like outsiders. You won't treat them like outsiders. You won't treat them like they do not belong. You will make them feel as equally important as you make your kids.
Speaker 3:There was something we were I think there was a discussion that was happening time and someone shared about how their mother-in-law when you talk about looking out for you and it's like a cover for you and you're saying how their own, there was a time even the mother-in-law of their. So this is someone talking about their daughter-in-law and she's, like you know, funny enough. Her mom was saying to me that my daughter actually now talks more to you than she talks to me, and that's like they're saying things I don't even know until you tell me. Do you understand and she said it in a really positive light to say that's how we should be, because you are her mom too, right, and she will spend more time with your side of the family than she would with us. And it takes some time.
Speaker 3:I've also had cases of people who say oh, you know, my mother-in-law will be the one to stand if there's an issue. Mother-in-law will be the one to stand if there's an issue not like intruding in the family business, but there are sometimes. Oh, it was my mother-in-law who will be the one to talk to my husband and say don't do this, it is not right for you to treat her this way, right? So she becomes your voice too. She becomes the one who also tells her son ah, you need to treat her better, you need to, you need to love her more, you need to do this for her, as against seeing it as ah, no, it's just my son, me, I'm about my son and my own immediate family. You do not belong.
Speaker 3:So again, as I listen to this. I am hoping that people are taking lessons away from it. Beautiful relationships exist. They are possible, but it would require a shift in certain perspective and on learning, certain norms and beliefs, and learning, yeah, and relearning. You know healthier ones, so I just wanted to find out from you, dr, I will know what will be your final word to mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, and just in-laws generally. We want women to be treated better in the home. We want women to everybody, not just women, but I I tilt more towards the women, because that's usually where we get most of the challenges in terms of the treatment. So we want women to be treated better. We want in-laws to treat each other better. What would be your final parting words for mothers-in-law, daughters-in-law and in-laws generally?
Speaker 2:all right, thank you. One of my sisters used to say my mother-in-law is my mother-in-love and not mother-in-love. Yeah, mother-in-love that's how she, and then vice versa. So I think that we should put family first, yes, the relationship, family first, because if we prioritize the family unity, it becomes a lot easier to let go past thoughts, and then we'll work towards a healthier and peaceful relationship.
Speaker 1:Dr Tracy, please say that again. I don't think we heard it properly.
Speaker 3:Please just repeat that again you need to ring the bell on that one.
Speaker 2:I beg you Say that again. Okay, I said that we should put family first. If we prioritize our family first, or family unity, it becomes a lot easier to let go past thoughts and also work towards a healthier and a more peaceful relationship. Let us also be consistent in relationship family relationship Both parties should be consistent, not showing one color today. Tomorrow you are showing another color and then it's a lot of confusion because you cannot tell who you are really dealing with in that relationship.
Speaker 2:I also think that we should also focus on common goals, both the mother-in-law, other family members. Let's focus on the same common goals. Let's support and love each other. I think Kemi said something like that, and Nneka, you too. You also reiterated that as well. So if we focus on supporting each other, we know that we are family, we are not competing with anybody. I think there will be peaceful coexistence in the home.
Speaker 2:And then when people take responsibility of their actions, it makes a whole lot of things easier, because sometimes some may be wrong. A mother in love may be wrong, but she knows that she's wrong but does not even want to admit, and then she pushes it to the next party and then the quarrel continues. So let everyone take, you know, responsibility of their actions. And lastly, I think we should also celebrate each other. No matter how small it is, when there are little little wins at home, let's celebrate each other. There are some things that makes keeps people happy. Like I said, when I just call my mother-in-law her nickname, you know it makes her happy. You know I tell her she's the best, there's nothing I would have done without her in his marriage and all those little little talk. It keeps her going and she's happy, you know. And of course, because she's happy, it makes me also to enjoy her and that helps me also to build a kind of positive memories around. You know, things that we have done together all the time. I refuse to see wrong. As time goes on, I just see those good things that we have shared. So I think it's also very important.
Speaker 2:And then we can also Give time and space for healing. When there's trauma at home, when there are issues, we just give each other time, because we are not all the. Our mindset is different, our backgrounds are different. So let's allow time to heal, so you don't enforce anything to anyone because of the impact it will later bring to the home. So and then let's also look at well, I don't want to bring religion into this, but also sometimes religion also matters because if somebody your mother-in-law is a Muslim, you're a Christian. You know sometimes some things don't follow because of the religious. You know sometimes some things don't follow because of religious. You know difference, some things she may believe in that you don't believe in. So this can also bring grief at home. So if we learn also to manage one another like that and celebrate Because you need to ask questions before you enter a family, so you know whether you can fit into that family or not Most times people are blinded by love.
Speaker 2:They enter a relationship before they knew it. They start having issues. So there are some things that you will see the handwriting on the wall earlier before you enter into that family. So but once you enter home, it's also important that you, you embrace everybody in the home. You're not just marrying your husband, you're also marrying his family members you have to love all of them.
Speaker 2:Sometimes there's a way a daughter-in-law will behave a very wicked family who like, but this girl is good, so I don't think we need to punish her for anything. She's nice, they will accept you. You know a mother-in-law. She also learned to love the adult-in-laws, because of course, the mindset that some girls or ladies have against mother-in-laws Some mother-in-laws also do the same thing. So they'll be waiting for my son to get married, do to her and all of that. So sometimes also the mother-in-laws. They have their own mindset towards their daughter-in-laws. Of course they should also understand that it's not the same thing that you find in Mr A or Mrs A that you see in Mrs B.
Speaker 2:So we need to learn to understand who we are dealing with as a family member. So let that love be there in the first place. So if we agree with each other from the beginning, it makes a whole lot of difference and of course that will reduce tension in the home, Trauma will be reduced and so many other things. Thank you very much.
Speaker 3:Oh, you want to say anything? I'm just here smiling.
Speaker 1:Oh my God. Thank you so much, dr Christy, because this is really enlightening. I learned a lot and, honestly, I hope that our listeners understand what we're trying to do here. We're not bashing anyone, we're not condemning. We're just here to celebrate beautiful relationships between parents-in-law and their children-in-law. On the other side, where you are the person perpetrating or fostering this harmful stereotypes or toxicity in marriages, in homes.
Speaker 1:I'm glad that you've listened today. I'm glad that you are able to pinpoint where you have issues, and I would like to use this medium to just call on everyone, encourage everyone, to retrace their steps because honestly, like dr chrissy said, if there's no love, if there's no unity in the family, things with that, things die, people fall sick. We foster, you know, generational curses. We foster harmful stereotypes, you know, and once a family dynamic is shaky, the society is shaky. So nobody wants to live in an atmosphere of fear. No one wants to go out and when they, you know, they think about returning home. They break down in in hives. They are sick, they're having palpitations. Nobody wants that. So if you find yourself perpetuating some of these harmful things, please retrace your steps. Parents in law, your, your children-law, are your children. There is no way a child will prosper when you are hurting their spouse.
Speaker 1:There is no way the family dynamics will stay when you see their spouse as a stranger, as an outsider.
Speaker 2:So it's time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's time to change the dynamic. It's time to change the story. It's time to change whatever it is that is being felt. It's time to heal. It's time to change the story. It's time to change whatever it is that is being felt. It's time to heal. It's time to change the narrative. You know one daughter-in-law, one son-in-law, one father-in-law, one mother-in-law at a time.
Speaker 1:So we want everyone to just, you know, consider this episode as reflective, go into your homes, look in the mirror, tell yourself the truth and then try to retrace your steps. And then, if you were the heart party, when you notice your the other party making overtures, you know, like dr christie said, give time, forgive, open yourself up to new experiences. You know the chinese. There's a chinese proverb the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The next best time to plant that tree is today. So it's time to start planting new trees.
Speaker 1:You know our children are watching and they are learning. You don't want to deny your children the experience of their grandparents. There's a special love of grandparents. You don't want to deny your children those experiences. You don't want to deny yourselves the experiences of bonus parents. You don't want to deny yourself the experience of a beautiful marriage, a loving marriage, having homes that are safe spaces where you're not afraid to have conversations and not afraid to be judged because of your perspective. So that's. I hope that this episode has challenged us to do better to be better. So, yeah, that's just what I wanted to contribute.
Speaker 3:Thank you. Thank you, neddy, for that and just um, I like the nickname thing because I'm a nickname person. Everyone knows me by nickname. Yeah, like, I have people who call me chem chem. I have people call me chemo. I have people come chemo, la la, like I've heard that my mom, when she wants to get, when she wants to get my sweet spot, if she wants to, if she wants to ask for something that she knows that, if she says it in her normal voice, I would not listen or I would not accept. She will call me Oyinda, which is the name my father gave, and she will call me. The moment I hear, I know that. Okay, now, this is a request I cannot deny, no matter how hard it is. So I like the nickname, you know, I like that Dr Christy calls her mom Mrs A International. I've heard people who also call Mother A International. I've heard people who also have nicknames for their parents-in-law, and even parents-in-law who have nicknames for their children-in-law as well as a term of endearment. I've seen that also happen because it's a beautiful thing and those are the lighter side of it. Those are the little, little things that can be done to make someone feel at home to make them feel welcome, to make them feel seen. And it's the fact that nobody wants to be in a space where they feel like they're not fully a part of the family. I don't think people want to feel like they don't belong or they're not fully accepted.
Speaker 3:This is a whole nother conversation. I know people who have talked about, oh, whatsapp groups, where you know there's a big WhatsApp group for the whole family and I'm like now that's a touchy space because some families agree with it, some don't. For me, personally, I don't think it's good. I've seen families who do that, who have a WhatsApp group that also has the children in law with the whole family. I think that's beautiful, but personally I'm like, yeah, what's the essence of having a WhatsApp group where you now have another side WhatsApp group? Then that means there's no. Yeah, those conversations come up and for me I'm like, yeah, it's not. It's not that big of a deal. In an ideal world it would be nice, right, but it's not that big of a deal. It's more about the tangibility of things, things that we do and celebrate with each other. It's also the fact that everyone I think one thing that has come out today is that everyone has a role to play, from parents in children-in-law to brothers and sisters-in-law. Everyone has a role to play as we continue to build our family units.
Speaker 3:It's also trust Trust that your children-in-law know what they're doing, even if you were not the one who raised them. Unless maybe it's a marriage that started on a faulty note. That means maybe both families didn't agree at all or were not in support of the relationship. But I want to believe that every means. Maybe both families didn't agree at all or didn't were not in support of the relationship, but I want to believe that every marriage where both families were in support or are in support of the relationship, it is important to trust that. Whoever your son or your daughter chose to go on a lifelong journey, you should trust their sense of judgment. You should know that they know what they are doing. You should trust that you know you should believe them as much as you believe your own kids and see how you can help them improve that. Because part of the things we've also seen is the lack of boundaries, and it's different for every family. Some families are very good with boundaries, healthy boundaries. Some families are not Right, and it's just also let people know that we can change this handful of stereotypes. We can. The world is showing us every day that we can change it and I want to believe that everyone goes into every family both ways to add to that family, to contribute Unless you're a witch or a wizard but I want to believe that everyone who goes into a marriage goes in to enrich the other side, to be an added value to the other side, and it will be important for mothers-in-law to see that that their daughters so when I say daughters, I mean their daughters-in-law are added value to their families.
Speaker 3:It's a Nnedi talked about bonus parents. It's you're getting a bonus child. I African parents, like to have plenty children. A lot of African parents like plenty kids. So you have bonus kids to do more stuff. There's more hands in the family to do a lot to support each other.
Speaker 3:And I just want to close by saying that we can start from today to turn back to make it better. So, just in case you've not had a really good relationship with your parents-in-law, your sisters-in-law, brothers-in-law, or with your daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, today's a good day to start to try to change that and we hope that the sharing you've had today can help you think very reflectively. How can I make it better? We want a world where women support each other. I am surrounded by women who support me and I support them, so it is possible that even on the whole, in the home front, we also want women to support each other, women to hold each other up. There's a lot of lessons and wisdom to draw, as much as new insights as well, and we should be open to that. The last thing I would say here is your children-in-law are not outsiders, they're your kids.
Speaker 3:If you see them that way, it will change how you treat them. And if you've forgotten anything from all these things we said, please don't forget that If you see them as your own children and treat them the way you treat your own children, they have no choice but to reciprocate, because, at the end of the day, marriage is supposed to multiply us, enrich us and improve us. Okay, enough of the 10. Yes, could you please ask Dr Awuno a fun question for the day.
Speaker 1:Okay, dr Awuno. So a question, a fun question for today is if your life was a book or a movie, or even a poem, what will the title be and why? Wow.
Speaker 2:I know she posed, though she had to pose. Wow, wow, did you see that coming?
Speaker 3:Oh Lord, Don't think too deeply about it okay.
Speaker 2:Wow, will I say that thing? The topic of that book should be I'm a fighter. Wow, I would just say a female fighter. You know, I don't know, maybe it's my mindset growing up. I just believe that you just have to, you know, do something different. Okay, do something different. Don't allow anything to stand on your way. Bring out the best in you, who you are. So I see myself as a fighter. So it is a movie. Maybe I'll say it's in a fighter.
Speaker 3:That's good. So it's good that you see yourself as a fighter. That's a good one. Okay, alright, and on that note, we have come to the end of this very interesting episode exploring gender stereotypes and how they influence mothers-in-law Very interesting episodes during gender stereotypes and how they influence mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law relationships and please feel free to write us, send in your comments, questions or responses to what we have talked about today, and you can do that by sending us an email on genderishp at gmailcom.
Speaker 3:Also, you can follow us on socials. We are on your different socials. So on Twitter, which is our X now it used to be called Twitter, but it's now known as X. You can follow us there on genderishp if you are trying to get to us. So follow us on Twitter. Drop a comment on X on genderishp. So at genderishp. That's how you find us. One word at genderish P on Twitter, or X as it is known, as you could also reach us on Instagram. There's a lot for you to follow on Instagram with respect to our podcast, a lot of the conversations that we're having on it, and on Instagram we are Genderish Podcast. That's what we are on Instagram.
Speaker 3:Genderish Podcast, genderish podcast. That's what we are on instagram genderish podcast. Please drop a comment, like, subscribe you. You can find us. You can find us on buzzsprout, on spotify, on google play. So everywhere where you get your podcast, please follow us.
Speaker 3:Drop a comment, share with your loved ones I'm sure there's so much people can learn. Share with your friends, share with everyone your neighbors. You know from us until we come your way again with another really exciting episode, because we're going to be for this season. A lot of the season is going to be focusing on family and marriage and family dynamics, because we cannot talk about gender stereotypes without talking about family. That's usually the first place where gender stereotypes start to find expression. So we're going to be delving a lot into families and marriages and relationships in this season of the podcast. So until next time when we come your way again. Thank you so much, dr Christy, for sharing so honestly and candidly about your own relationship with your mother-in-law and we hope it brings a lot of light to so many people, their homes and their relationship. It's your girl, kevin signing out.
Speaker 1:Thank you, take care. Bye-bye.