Find the full transcript for this episode 268 of Prosperous Coach Podcast and more resources for coaches at prosperouscoach.com/268.
The upside of talking about shame is that once you acknowledge it you can quickly realize what has triggered it and let it go.
A new coach in my VIP program — I’ll call her Barbara — got caught in a shame spiral because she wasn’t meeting up to some big expectations that she had for herself.
I’m so grateful to Barbara for giving me permission to share some of our discussion in this episode.
When you are willing to show your vulnerability with your coaching colleagues, that helps everyone become more successful at this big coaching business endeavor.
We coached through it and came to an important realization:
Shame rises up whenever you’re doing something that you care deeply about that you haven’t done before.
Let’s talk about the typical way for coaches that shame snowballs into something ugly and leaves you feeling stuck. I’ll also share how you can quickly get unstuck and move forward powerfully.
It’s Time to Stop the Cycle of Shame in Your Coaching Business
Shame is one of those emotions that can go toxic quickly, like an overgrowth of bacteria. So, face it down and work through it as soon as you realize it’s there.
And, by the way, Episode 80 would be helpful to listen to as well. It’s called Competition, Comparison and Shame in the Field of Coaching.
Here’s how I think shame can ignite and build, especially when you’re a new coach because there are so many new things to learn and do …
When you feel lost, don’t have a clear path and you’re just taking a guess at what you should be doing, shame revs its engine. “Shouldn’t I know exactly how to do everything RIGHT NOW?”
Shame comes next when, inevitably, you need to buy support of some sort and a friend or family member doesn’t understand why you need that. Shame says: “I’m spending more money than I earn from coaching and that’s not right!”
Then, even though you are taking actions, you feel ashamed that it’s taking longer than you thought to gain traction. Shame says: Why is everything so hard for me? I need more help than everyone else.”
And if you model aspects of your business on what other coaches are doing there’s the shame that comes from comparing yourself to those websites and social posts of other coaches. This is a big one for coaches. Shame taunts: “That coach has everything pulled together. Will I ever get there?”
As you are putting yourself out there into the marketplace, shame tags along because it’s embarrassing as an adult to feel fear. Imposter Syndrome whispers in your ear: “Who am I to think I can help them?”
Just having to ask someone to hire and pay you can feel shameful until you’ve learned that it’s empowering for people to invest in themselves. Shame sniggers: “Why would anyone pay you this much? What if I can’t deliver? Will they figure out I’m a fraud because I don’t know exactly what I’m doing yet?”
If you don’t have mentoring support, shame can literally stop you from moving forward — crush your momentum and suddenly you find yourself give up on your coaching business.
I’ve felt shame in my coaching business far more than in any other area of my life. And that makes sense to me because launching and running a business is, at least at first, all about me — what I do and how I do it, how I respond or don’t respond. It’s my creative life force that raises my business up and keeps it off the ground.
Launching and running a business has similar aspects to birthing and raising kids. No one knows how to do it until they do it.
So how can you stop the cycle of shame?
The secret is … let go of your expectations. Let go of your impatience with yourself. Ironically, those are momentum killers.
Lovingly tell yourself:
I am on a developmental path.
Every day in my business brings something new to learn.
I don’t have to learn it all or know it all today.
Taking one conscious step at a time will get me where I want to go faster than pushing.
You and every coach, and every person in the world, is on a developmental path. Where you are on that path is appropriate – not behind. You would never expect a new born to run a marathon would you?
After this discussion, I asked Barbara: “How do you feel you’re doing on your place on the developmental path so far?”
And she said: “I’m doing my best. I want to live my life taking things one step at a time. Mostly I’ve never done this before. I’m not going to do it all right the first time.”
Very wise, Barbara! And can you hear her self-compassion? That’s the way.
I told her that she’s doing very well. I held up a mirror because it is hard for her to fully see her own progress.
You are moving forward on your developmental path. When you progress to the next level, you will barely notice and keep learning, doing things you’ve never done before.
More imposter syndrome will show up then. But if you’ve been working with shame and that mean voice, it won’t talk very loudly. You’ll be able to give it a smile and keep moving.
Stay Inspired and Make Things Happen!