Voicemail

Play for single actor and mobile phone device

Transcript

Voicemail

BILLY stands at the centre of the stage. Perhaps there is a party hat on his head, maybe an unblown party horn gagging his mouth.

He takes out his mobile phone and listens to the message. He is deadpan throughout.

VOICEMAIL SERVICE (Can be generic, non-specific): Welcome to [network]. To listen to your messages, press [?] You have [?] new message[s]. First message received at […]  

VOICEMAIL: (pre-recorded, must be filtered through a mobile phone’s voice recorder. Bits of fractured double bass music (arco and pizz) must be faintly audible on his end of this line): (sings- not especially well): “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Billy, happy birthday to you”. Happy birthday, Billy/sorry to phone out of the blue/I’m just calling to wish you many happy returns/I know it’s your birthday today/I know that it’s your birthday because it’s in my digital calendar or planner or whatever they call it/I’m just trying to think why I would have it/must have been because of that party six years ago/so I suppose I could have a date just a bit after or a bit before the actual date of your birthday but, anyway, it’s in the ballpark, isn’t it?/a-a-actually, no, because I remember asking you at the time and you said that you always have a party on the actual day- the actual DATE- of your birthday or you have no party at all/so, yes, I can rest assured that I’ve contacted you on the actual day of your birthday/got there in the end/happy bloody birthday, Billy/

How old are you now by the way?- it occurs to me that I don’t know how/actually, you don’t have to answer that/I know you’ve got a thing about people knowing how old you are/or how tall you are/or your address/you don’t like people to have much personal information about you, do you?- you don’t like to be on anyone’s…erm…database…/

Anyway, how the hell are you/oh, by the way/that funny noise you can hear in the background/that’s Bianca/well, it’s not Bianca per se- she doesn’t make those sort of sounds- would be rather disturbing if she did/what am I saying?/I mean, rather, that it’s her double bass/she’s practicing her “bass” as she calls it/she never says “double-bass” or “contrabass”/it’s always “my bass” this, “my bass” that/she’s at the music conservatoire here/so she does practice her bass often and hard/she’s always exhausted by the end of it/bleeding hands sometimes, literally/speaking of which- I actually injured my hand- that’s why I’m voice-mailing rather than texting/it’s a funny story actually/I punched a tree really hard/and my fingers got/anyway, suffice to say, my right hand is now completely useless for about…for a…for a while/anyway, Bianca/yes/and her double bass/it’s a huge thing/literally huge, a double bass/it’s like sharing the flat with some kind of beast/a beast in a locked box/she’s great Bianca/very talented/very tall as well/you have to be, to…play…/very tall/

So, yes/Bianca/turns out I’m…er…bi/bisexual/hence, Bianca/and her bass/she’s got a recital coming up/maybe you could…/no, too far/I know/you’ve told me/

I’m sorry it’s been so long/I know it’s not easy for you to…/and I would come down and…but, you know, I’m just so busy these days/

I was about to ask how your studies are going but, of course, I know you dropped out/but still how’s it all going?/how’s “drop-out” life treating you?/you working or…?/how’s your…mum?/

How are your excursions?/do you still take long, poetic excursions, long walks that take you well away from the village?/it’s December now so it gets dark so early, doesn’t it/not that you’d mind/it’s summer you hate, I remember you saying/I remember your discomfort with natural light/vividly/your immense sensitivity to sunlight/I remember you saying you much you like the dark/how comfortable you are-/no, not just comfortable- but how drawn you are to darkness/you know the darkness as a friend, don’t you?/

I would love to be inside your- inside your head/just for one day/just one/

I wish I had time for that sort of thing/walking/I miss my privacy actually/you know, with Bianca and her bass here/all the time/I’ve completely forgotten what it’s like to be lonely/sounds awful doesn’t it/I know- I mean I remember- /I know how much you value solitude/ 

Anyway, I’m going to be staying here with Bianca over Christmas/we might pay her parents a visit/can’t even remember where they’re based now- she did tell me- uh-oh- she really doesn’t like repeating herself…whoops/but er…/if you possibly can/please/please do come and see us!/we’d love to see you/we can try and catch a carol service/   

[BEAT]

I had an interesting experience today/at about two o’clock I suddenly got this terrible tummy ache/I mean, you know, not terrible terrible/not like I was in any kind of danger/it wasn’t a medical emergency/but I felt really shitty/it was tearing me in half/you know, like, it was bad enough I couldn’t even concentrate on my work/I’m doing quite well now- workwise- I was given a-/anyway, you don’t want to hear about my work/stupid work/I envy you/your days to yourself/er/anyway, yes, bloody awful tummy ache/couldn’t concentrate/I even had to curl up in a ball on my bed/ridiculous/it only lasted about half an hour/but/you find yourself saying things like…er…/poor me/obviously/and Why me/and…then you start attributing it sentience and human characteristics like schadenfreude/you know/sadism/and you find yourself bargaining with it/saying things like “alright you…bastard, alright, you made your point”/you made your point, now can you just…you know/but of course it isn’t a demon or a devil/it isn’t a little monster or a pest or an imposter/it’s just you/there is no-one present in the situation except you/me/ 

When it did finally let go/when the tummy ache did finally relent/it was just/oh, I’m the relief/the utter relief/I was in heaven/euphoric/I’m still euphoric, still buzzing from the euphoria/it hasn’t left me/it hasn’t left me yet

/

Call me back/or text me back/Billy

I want to know how you are

I miss you

Take care. Mind how you go.

A very, very very happy birthday to you.

Bianca sends her…

Anyway. I’m sure it will be better than… Take care.

Bye.

Hangs up.

VOICEMAIL SERVICE: (Generic) To save the message, press [], to delete the message, press []

He deletes the message. Puts away his phone.

Perhaps he blows the party horn.

END