Your Life's Purpose Is Found In Your Pain

We challenge the idea that pain is something to be avoided or suppressed, exploring how it can actually become fuel for purpose, leadership, and legacy in men's lives. Pain isn't a detour from your hero's journey – it's an essential part of it that reveals what truly matters when distractions fall away.

• Pain is an initiation, not a punishment – avoiding it only makes it resurface in more destructive ways
• Strong men aren't those who never feel pain, but those who have the courage to face it without shame
• True resilience comes from integrity, not bravado – even elite athletes and military veterans openly discuss their healing journeys
• Purpose isn't born from comfort but forged through consistency, discipline, and decisions made in darkness
• Healing accelerates through service – don't wait until you're fully healed to start helping others with your story
• Your scars don't disqualify you from leadership – they uniquely qualify you to lead authentically
• Building a brotherhood of truth-tellers is essential – we weren't meant to carry our pain alone

Join our membership site at members.theawakenedman.net and complete our free integrity challenge – a blueprint to align your life, leadership and legacy. You can also download our free pain-to-purpose weekly reflection sheet to help lead yourself through pain with clarity.

Key moments in this episode:

02:07 Understanding and Embracing Pain

02:45 The Hero's Journey: Pain as a Divine Appointment

07:56 The Lies Men Believe About Pain

13:11 Turning Pain into Purpose: A Discipline, Not a Feeling

17:36 Chris's Story: From Collapse to Purpose

20:55 Practical Tips for Transforming Pain into Purpose

27:23 Recommended Resources and Final Thoughts

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Revolutionary Man
• 1:37 Pain Is Part of the Hero's Journey
• 8:14 Lies Men Believe About Pain
• 13:11 Turning Pain into Purpose
• 17:35 Chris's Story: From Collapse to Purpose
• 21:12 Five Practical Steps Forward
• 27:31 Resources and Final Call to Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome everyone to the Revolutionary man Podcast. It's where we challenge men to redefine success, to lead with integrity and to build a life that outlives them. And I'm your host, alan DeMonso. And today we're gonna dive into something that men face every day, and yet very few of us are equipped to even talk about it. And what is that? It's pain. It's not just physical pain, but emotional, spiritual and even silent pain. It's not just physical pain, but emotional, spiritual and even silent pain, and the kind, you know, that festers under the surface, the kind behind success, our titles and our daily hustle. But the truth is that pain is truly inevitable, and whether that pain becomes our prison or our platform, it's all up to us, isn't it? And so in this episode, we're going to unpack how to take life's deepest wounds and turn them into fuel for purpose, and we're going to dismantle the lies that keep us stuck in shame and silence and explore how true masculine strength is forged in fire and not fantasy.

Speaker 1: 0:58

So if you've ever wondered why am I going through this, stay with me today, brothers, because this is an episode that just might change how you carry your pain and what you create from it. So, if you're serious about turning pain into purpose and not just numbing it or not just surviving it, but using it as a fuel to take you to that next level. Then I want you to hit that like button, subscribe and leave a comment about your biggest challenge. It's when men like you speak up. It makes it safe for other men to rise. So just take one second now, engage and let's start growing together. And with that, let's get on with today's episode.

Speaker 2: 1:38

The average man today is sleepwalking through life, many never reaching their true potential, let alone ever crossing the finish line to living a purposeful life. Yet the hunger still exists, albeit buried amidst his cluttered mind, misguided beliefs and values that no longer serve him. It's time to align yourself for greatness. It's time to become a revolutionary man. Stay strong, my brother.

Speaker 1: 2:07

Welcome back everyone to our episode, into pain, into purpose. To get us started, allow me to ask us a couple of questions just to help set the stage for today's conversation. What pain in your life have you tried to silence instead of surrendering to, and how has that pain shaped your leadership, your relationships or the way you see yourself as a man? And if you could transform your pain into purpose, what legacy would you build with it, starting today? Okay, so we've exposed the truth about pain and asked some questions that most men are going to be avoiding. Now it's going to be time for us to dig deeper into these truths, the myths that keep us stuck and the strategies to reclaim our story. And to do that I want to get started with this. First point is that pain is part of our hero's journey and not a detour. From a young age, most men are conditioned to suppress or avoid pain't we, we're told to man up, to tough it out, to don't be weak. See that pain then gets coded as failure, something to be ashamed of or to be conquered through grit and silence, and so, as a result, ends up by happening as we grow up, believing that if we're in pain, something must must be wrong with us, but what if pain isn't a punishment? And what if it's truly an initiation? Avoiding pain doesn't eliminate it. All it's going to do is bury it, and what we bury eventually resurfaces in much more destructive ways. It shows up in failed marriages, chronic stress, emotional isolation or even addiction, and so avoiding pain is only going to make it louder in the long run. So it's like you take a moment now and think back the time when you buried your pain instead of facing it. What did it cost you now? Let's imagine if you had tools or the courage to confront it. What might have changed?

Speaker 1: 4:08

The second thing I want to talk about is that pain truly reveals what really matters in our lives, doesn't it? And the stillness of our suffering is when these distractions are all going to fall away for us, and so when we stop caring about how many likes that we get on a post, or what brand of car that we're driving, or how impressive our resume looks, pain can really humble us as men, and it brings us back to the center, doesn't it? And so, suddenly, when we consider this, we remember what matters most, and for me, it's faith, it's integrity, it's family, it's my mission. Maybe some of those resonate with you as well. It's my mission. Maybe some of those resonate with you as well. Men who've been through illness or divorce or financial ruin or spiritual crisis often say that it was in their darkest moments that they gained the clearest vision for who they are and what they're here to do, and so pain strips away this illusion so purpose can truly emerge, and I have to tell you, it's exactly what happened to me when I started doing men's work this podcast in order to really process and work through the pain that I know that I have in my life and I'm sure you suffer through as well and so I want you to ask yourself what did my last painful season reveal about my values, the things that were important to me, and what did I rediscover when I had nothing left to pretend or to prove.

Speaker 1: 5:31

When we avoid pain, that's more dangerous than facing it. We've mentioned that already in this episode, and so there's a way that we can outrun our pain. It's truly one of the most destructive and dangerous beliefs that we can hold as men, and so if we continue to try to avoid our pain, we're going to create fragmentation in our lives, aren't we? We're going to split ourselves into all these different versions that we think others will then be more accepting of who we are Tough at work, or you're going to be distant at home, or we're going to be numb with ourselves. The pain that we don't face just doesn't go away. What it does is it creates a prison for us to live in, and so if you're in one of those situations, like many of us are, if we avoid our emotional pain, we're often going to try to dominate our external worlds, right, and so if we're chasing promotions or power or validation to compensate that, we need to look at doing some internal work, don't we? But it's going to be those victories on the outside that are really going to be hollow victories, because they weren't there to truly come to us from a place of alignment with who we are and what we value, and so they just become escapes from really doing some deep dive introspection on who we are. And so what I'm going to ask and challenge you to do today is are you ready, really strong enough, to face your pain? Have you been carrying this for way too long, anyways? And what would happen if we just stopped running from it and started working with it? If we just stopped running from it and started working with it.

Speaker 1: 7:08

I like Cahil Gabran's books, and one of his quotes that really stuck with me as I started getting into his work was Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars, and I think that's so true when we look at our lives and the things that we've been through. And so, if I could, just to wrap up this first discussion point that we started talking about is that pain truly is not a detour for us. It's divine appointment. The hero doesn't earn this title by avoiding the fire right. He earns it by walking through it, emerging wiser, more grounded and more aligned with his purpose. I know that's how it's felt for me, and I'm sure if you reflect on your life, you'll find the same for you, and so every man that's listening today, your pain is not the proof that you're broken. It is the proof that you're becoming. So.

Speaker 1: 7:57

That leads me into the second point I want to talk about in pain, into purpose today, and that the lies that men believe about pain, and we've already started to touch on a little bit about what these lies are, and for the most of us, the toxic lies are bedded into our masculine identity, aren't they? It teaches boys early on that emotions are signs of weakness and that our pain is something to suppress or to power through. We've mentioned that in that first point. But by the time that we become men, because we have practiced this and we have embodied in our lives, many of us are emotionally numb as men, and so we're disconnected from our own hearts and we're unable to express grief, fear or longing. And I can tell you, when my father passed away, it was so challenging for me to really be in the room watching him in his last moments, in his last days, and trying to be present enough for him and for me to be there, and it was so difficult. And this is part of the of our upbringing, and that's not any slight on my parents. It's the work that I had yet to do and needed to continue to do.

Speaker 1: 9:02

And so a man who never stops to process his pain becomes a man who either explodes in rage or collapses in isolation. That's that fear and flight response, isn't it? So he wears a mask that says I'm fine and I know that's something that you've probably said to yourself, because I've said it many times to myself. But while outside, or really inside, we're saying, hey, listen, I'm fine, but inside we're truly drowning. We think that our strength is going to be found in denying our pain, but it's really having the courage to feel it, especially without any shame. And so I ask you to consider where in your life are you pretending that you're fine? Do you have this being minimized or ignored just so you can keep up appearances? What would it look like for you if you faced it honestly? When we think, consider that's.

Speaker 1: 9:55

The second lie that comes up for us in our pain to purpose journey is that if I feel pain, then I'm going to be weak, and this is a belief that confuses vulnerability with failure. So what it does is, it convinces us that feeling broken means being broken. But that's asking for self-help, then, is also like giving up, isn't it? But here's the truth Feeling pain doesn't make us weak. Hiding it does. And so strongest men are those who never fail. They're the ones who rise again and again, wiser, stronger and more grounded. And so, if you consider military veterans or elite athletes, even CEOs, men who are admired for their grit and toughness, these are often the same men who openly talk about their therapy, their trauma, their rock-bottom moments, why? Because they've learned that true resilience isn't bravado, it's living in integrity. And so, again, I ask you to consider, the next time pain shows up in your life, that you welcome it as part of your refinement instead of something to fear, and let it really deepen you in your strength instead of challenging you for your worth. And I like to then move to the lie number three, and that pain means I'm broken.

Speaker 1: 11:15

We tend to interpret pain as a sign that we're defective or cursed or unworthy man. That word is something that pops up way too often in my language, and if we start to think if I was doing the right life, I wouldn't be suffering. But it's really a bad mindset to have, because it's a mindset that creates shame for us, because if we're not living right, then what are we living? And so shame can truly keep us stuck. And the truth is that pain is just a signal. It's not a sentence. We're not being sentenced to pain. It's truly an invitation for us to evolve, not an indictment on our value.

Speaker 1: 11:53

And so think about in the gym Pain is how muscles grow, isn't it? Think about a relationship. Pain is how trust deepens. Think about faith. Pain is often how God gets your attention. So what if pain isn't a sign that you're broken, but it's a sign that something much deeper wants to be healed? And so I ask you to consider for this point what if your pain isn't the thing keeping you from your purpose, but the very thing that will unlock it? Rumi says the wound is the place where the light enters you, and so consider the wounds that you've had in your life, and how are you allowing that light to come in and transcend who you are? So, as we summarize and look at this second point that we've been talking about so far, is that the lies we believe about pain that real men don't feel and feeling is weakness or pain means that I'm broken they just don't rob us of healing, they rob us of connection, depth and a legacy. And so, as men, when we finally stop running from our pain and start listening to it, then everything changes. Our leadership sharpens, our relationships deepen and our power becomes unstoppable because it's forged in the truth and not from performance.

Speaker 1: 13:12

So let's go to our third discussion point here, on pain to purpose. Turning pain into purpose is a discipline, it's not a feeling, and you can get a sense. That's where we're going today, aren't you? So many of us wait for emotional resolution before we're going to move forward, but we think healing has to feel complete before we can take any action. But that's not how transformation works, is it? See? Closure is a myth. Purpose is built by making consistent moves, even when pain is still fresh. Action is what creates healing, not the other way around, and so some wounds may never feel completely closed.

Speaker 1: 13:49

Let's face that A loss of a parent, as I talked about earlier, a betrayal, a dream that died. The power that comes from stopping obsessing over why it happens, though, and start asking what am I going to do with it now, really moves us forward in motion, and that's what becomes the medicine that we need to heal our pain. And so if you're waiting to feel ready before you're going to lead, write or speak, or love or serve again, then you may be waiting for a long time, maybe even forever, and so start with the pain. Just walk with it a little. Let it guide you into mission instead of having it guide you into misery, and so purpose comes from what you give your pain away to. Now, stop to consider this. Pain becomes the purpose the moment you stop hiding it and start offering it to others.

Speaker 1: 14:43

So it's our story that becomes someone else's survival guide, isn't it? Those are some of the most powerful books and stories and movies that we watch, watching someone go through pain in their story. And so, when we lead with our scars instead of our image, we become a beacon, not just a man who overcame, but a man who helps others overcome. And so men who've gone through addiction or divorce or failure or depression often find their deepest purpose in mentoring others through the same fire that they've gone through. So the wound doesn't have to vanish for the wisdom to emerge. What's raw today is what will be a revelation for us tomorrow, and I think that's something for the wisdom to emerge. What's raw today is what will be a revelation for us tomorrow, and I think that's something for us to truly consider.

Speaker 1: 15:27

And so I'd like to ask you to consider this here. Who needs to hear your story, what's behind you on the path, and who could benefit from knowing you're not alone and that someone made it through? You could be a mentor for somebody with the pain that you've gone through and the work and the wisdom that you've gained, and so you can't stop, you can't shortcut this process at all. But you can commit to a path, can't we? And so there's no hack for healing here. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you here's three quick steps to heal all your pain, because there isn't any shortcut for growth.

Speaker 1: 16:08

So pain needs time, but it also needs some structure around it, and so this is where the discipline part to today's conversation comes in. You can't control when healing feels complete, right, it's just going to happen. But what you can control is how often you show up for it. And so this is the daily work from a purpose Journal anyway, pray anyway, show up for the workout, have the conversation, write the book, serve the people. These are all pathways on the path of forging some discipline.

Speaker 1: 16:40

And so think about the man who turns his pain into consistent message. Maybe it's a business, a mission, not overnight, but over time, and he built something that's truly unshakable, not from hype, but from holy repetition. He doesn't just have a purpose, he lives it brick by brick, day after day, and so I'll ask you what daily practice could anchor your healing journey? Where do you need to stop waiting for the right time and start leading with what you already have? As I think about. Summarizing this point is that purpose isn't going to be born out of comfort. It's forged through consistency, through discipline, action and the decisions made in the dark. So don't wait to feel ready. Don't wait until it stops hurting. Decide right now that your pain will not define you. It will deploy you and set you on the path.

Speaker 1: 17:36

So let me tell a story about Chris. He was a 43-year-old business owner, a husband, a father of two, and on paper he was successful. He had a six-figure income. He had the house with a backyard and a garage full of hard-earned tools and toys. But under the surface, something was crumbling for Chris. It started with silence, then short tempers, missed workouts, disconnection with his wife, numbness with his kids. He didn't know what it was that was building inside of him and then one morning, as he stood in front of the bathroom mirror brushing his teeth, he dropped the brush, stared himself and whispered. I don't know who the hell I am anymore. That whisper. That was chris's collapse. See, chris didn't crash all at once. It was a slow death by a thousand denials.

Speaker 1: 18:25

Years of avoiding grief from his dad's death, from burying the guilt from a business deal that went sideways, of staying busy instead of being present. The mask he wore was strong, but his soul was starving. He stopped showing up emotionally. He began withdrawing from his wife, not in anger, but in absence. His kids noticed his energy was gone. He lie awake at night scrolling instagram, comparing himself to other men who looked more alive, more free, more whole in the quiet truth. He felt useless. Not because he lacked success, but because he lacked success, but because he lacked purpose.

Speaker 1: 19:02

And so one Sunday morning, after skipping church for the third week in a row, chris finally hit the wall. His wife walked into the kitchen, looked him in the eye and said I don't know how much longer I can do this, with you gone but still here. That sentence shattered Chris. It shattered him in the best way, because Chris didn't know where to start, but he knew he had to. So it was that night that he wrote in a journal for the first time in 20 years. One page turned into 10. He cried For real, not in front of anyone, but for himself. And then he called a buddy he trusted. He told the truth, the real truth, the crack in his armor. To let the light in, he decided to join a men's group. He started therapy, picked up his bible again. He got very quiet every morning not for productivity but for presence, and he stopped avoiding his pain, started honoring it.

Speaker 1: 19:58

And we fast forward 18 months from then. Chris is still a business owner, he's still a husband, he's still a dad, but he's a different man. He leads his team with vulnerability, not weakness, but with authenticity. His marriage has fire again because he's emotionally available, not physically present. His kids talk to him now, not because he's perfect, but because he's safe. And, most of all, he started mentoring younger men in his community, talking about pain, fatherhood, faith and purpose, and the thing that once nearly ended him was now become his most powerful part of his leadership. He didn't need a fresh start. He needed to finally face that thought that would destroy him and let it redefine his mission.

Speaker 1: 20:45

Nietzsche says he who has the why to live can bear almost any how, and I think that is so true. And so we've talked a lot about theory and other things and a nice story there, but let's get into some practical tips of how to turn pain into purpose, and so the first tip I'm going to give you is to name your pain out loud, name it to tame it, as they say, man, and it's important for us to do that, because most men suffer silently, don't we? And it's because we've never put words to what's truly hurting ourselves. And so when we can name it clearly and honestly, we strip away most of its power, and then we can take the first step from confusion and really start to gain clarity about what this pain is, because we can't heal what we won't confront. I think it's so true, and so let's not minimize our pain or convince ourselves that it's not that bad. All that's going to do is just keep your cycle going, and so I'd like to challenge you today on this first step.

Speaker 1: 21:47

Name your pain, say it out loud, literally alone in your car, maybe in a prayer, with a journal, with a trusted brother. Call it what it is. Is it grief, is it betrayal, is it guilt, shame, loneliness? Call it what it is, and that's going to be your first brick on the wall to rebuild your life. Number two, and I ask you to establish a morning grounding ritual. Pain will disorient our minds and it weakens our focus, and so if we can anchor our day with intentional habits, then we're going to reclaim some of that inner ground, won't we? But it isn't just about productivity. This is going to be about presence. It's going to be about building your power, and so don't think, don't make the mistake of thinking up that, waking up and diving into an email or news or reading social media or whatever your habits were in the past, you're going to lose. You're going to immediately going to lose the war, for your mind, if you do that, and so, instead, the work for you to do on this part is to just create a 20-minute morning routine, a little ritual for you. Maybe it's five minutes of silence, five minutes of journaling, five minutes of prayer or scripture, something that a good book, anything that really helps ground you in five minutes of movement, so stretching, push-ups, maybe it's a cold shower, something that physically gets you engaged in for the start the day, and then repeat this every day, because pain hates discipline, and so give it. So start to give that pain some of what it truly deserves, which is some discipline.

Speaker 1: 23:20

Step three convert your pain into a pattern of contribution. We've already talked a little bit about that so far. So this part here is about our pain. Our purpose is going to be born out of the wounds that have become to us. Thou can be used as weapons for someone else to heal, and so we consider that, instead of the pain being a weapon for us, we can now turn that story around and use it to help heal others. And so when we stop asking the question why me? And start asking how can I help with what I've learned, then that energy truly shifts from being a victim to creating a legacy, and so don't wait until you're fully healed to do this, to serve, to be part of the community. The truth is that healing will accelerate in service, not at service, and so send a message to a man that you know is struggling right now. Share one insight with him, or encouragement from your own pain. Start a conversation, not a performance. If you do that, both of you will walk away being much stronger, I guarantee you.

Speaker 1: 24:31

Then I'd like you to also consider tracking your pain triggers on a weekly basis. Pain doesn't always scream out loud to us. It may if we've denied it long enough, but sometimes it just whispers through our reactions to things. So tracking our emotional flashpoints gives us some insight and some leverage so you can stop repeating self-sabotaging patterns. So consider this as a piece to do on any given day in the week.

Speaker 1: 24:55

A common mistake is, when we try to do something like this, we may start blaming other people for our emotional spikes instead of recognizing that they are unresolved wounds from being triggered ourselves. And so consider that every time there's an emotional trigger, it's something that you have to deal with, and so create a journal that looks something like this these are some questions for you to help really track your pain. And so, what moments triggered anger, anxiety or shame in the week? What was really underneath that emotion? When you consider it, what did I learn about myself? And consider that, when you do these three things, that this isn't about therapy. It's truly about gaining some tactical awareness about what's happening for yourself. And so take a moment at the end of every day and ask yourself those three questions and start to get a sense of if there's triggers or patterns that are happening.

Speaker 1: 25:55

And the last piece to give you is build a brotherhood of truth tellers, and so one of the things that's important in our work here with our band of brothers is to have a group of men who are your pallbearers in life. See, we weren't meant to carry our pain alone. So brotherhood isn't going to make us weak, it's going to make us unstoppable, so we can help point other men's blind spots, just as they'll point out yours. They're going to challenge our stories. They're going to remind us that we're not crazy or alone. But most men and many men, I find are truly trying to get after this alone, because they have too much pride that isolation is really the breeding ground for shame and for failure, and so I'd like you to commit to a weekly or biweekly connection with at least one or two solid men in your community. This isn't about beers and bullshit all right, this is about real talk. It's wins, losses, pain, progress. And just start small. I want you to go deep. So no more barroom talk, no more locker room talk. You need to get down and dirty with this one. And so when we can turn our pain into purpose it's not going to happen in one massive move, right, it's going to take time. It's about daily commitment to lead, to feel and to rise with truth, and so, hopefully, these tools will help you build a battlefield kit that you can use to help you move forward through your pain. So we've talked a lot about pain and a purpose, and I wanted to also leave you with a few different resources that have helped me in my journey, and hopefully they'll do the same for you.

Speaker 1: 27:32

I'm a big reader, and I hadn't read a book up until I was 30 years old, and then, when my life started to truly shatter and change, then I started getting into books, and so one of the ones that was so profound was Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, and it's so important about that book. He was a Holocaust survivor and a psychiatrist, and his book truly is the gold standard for understanding how suffering can be transformed into meaning, and I like his powerful insight of for those who have a why to live can bear almost anyhow. It's truly the heartbeat of what we're trying to talk about in today's episode, and so pain without purpose is going to lead to despair, and pain with purpose is going to lead to legacy, and so check out that book. Another great book that I enjoyed reading and really helped shift my mindset on things is Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday, and it's a really modern classic on Stoic philosophy and how we can implement that in today's modern life, and it's going to help reframe how you consider hardships and obstacles as truly a fuel for growth and mastery, and so I think it's exactly what we need. Based on today's episode and key topic, and because you may want to consider that the very thing that's blocking your path today is the pain that you need to go through. So it's no longer the detour it's going to be your teacher. I'm also going to provide you with a free downloadable tool the pain into purpose weekly reflection sheet. It's going to provide you with a free downloadable tool the Pain Into Purpose weekly reflection sheet. It's going to cover some of the points that we talked about today, and it's an opportunity for you to implement that in your daily life.

Speaker 1: 29:05

What I want you to remember, out of everything that we talked about here today, is that pain doesn't mean that you're broken. It means that you're being forged, and so the fire there isn't here to destroy you. It's here to reveal who we truly are, beneath the noise and the pressure and the performance, and so stop hiding the wound and start building with it. The scars don't disqualify you. They qualify you to lead, to serve and to rise, and so your pain has a purpose, but only if you're going to decide to use it.

Speaker 1: 29:36

So don't waste the thing that hurts you. Transform it. That's what we do here. That's what makes us the revolutionary men, and so if you're ready to stop carrying pain like a secret and start living it like a mission, then I have another option for you, some action, a step for you to take. Go to our membership site, memberstheawakenedmannet and complete our free integrity challenge. It'sa blueprint to align your life, your leadership and your legacy. And while you're here, you can also download that free pain to purpose weekly reflection sheet. It's a great tool to help us start leading ourselves through pain and clarity. See, the world needs more men like us to rise from the fire, not just heal, but be on a mission, and so I want you to decide to be that man today. I'd like to see you next time on the Revolutionary man Podcast and until then, lead with fire, live with purpose and never settle for less than what you were created to be.

Speaker 2: 30:43

Thank you for listening to the Revolutionary man podcast. Are you ready to own your destiny, to become more the man you are destined to be? Join the brotherhood that is the Awakened man at theawakendmannet and start forging a new destiny today.