The 3 BIGGEST Myths About Masculine Sexuality EXPOSED with Rob Kancler

In this eye-opening episode, host Alain Dumonceaux delves into the complex and often misunderstood world of male sexuality with guest Rob Kancler, an artist, athlete, entrepreneur, and founder of 'Men of Substance.' They explore the idea that sex is not just about pleasure but about grounded, masculine power, and how it affects every aspect of a man's life. Key topics include overcoming performance anxiety, understanding the deeper layers of intimacy, and the impact of unworthiness on sexual and personal fulfilment. Rob also introduces his transformative program, 'The Blueprint,' aimed at helping men reclaim their confidence and vitality through sexual mastery.

Key moments in this episode: 

03:32 Rob's Early Obsession and Exploration

09:53 Reconnecting with Vitality

13:11 The Role of Fear and Regulation

22:12 Sexual Integrity and Fulfilment

26:46 Rebuilding Connection in Long-Term Relationships

30:38 Masculine Leadership in Intimacy

33:42 The Men of Substance Program

45:43 Understanding Sexual Satisfaction

48:47 Final Thoughts and Contact Information

How to reach Rob:

Website: https://www.robkancler.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/rob.kancler

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/robkancler

Chapters

• 0:00 Why Sex Feels Misunderstood
• 1:04 Mission: Becoming A Revolutionary Man
• 2:10 Meet Rob Kancler And His Work
• 3:35 The Search: Pickup, Tantra, Kink
• 5:05 Nervous System Awareness And Trauma
• 6:35 Disillusionment And Identity Shift
• 8:05 Host Reflects And Refocuses
• 10:19 Escaping The Matrix Of Distraction
• 12:05 Embodiment As The Tuning Dial
• 14:05 Responsibility And Agency
• 16:10 Sex As A Microcosm Of Consciousness
• 18:10 Vitality, Values, And Masculine Myths
• 20:30 The Punchy Quote On Satisfaction
• 22:05 Unworthiness And Outside‑In Esteem
• 24:05 Physiological Safety Over Fear
• 26:05 Integrity, Sexuality, And Culture
• 28:05 Long‑Term Love And Lost Passion
• 29:45 Intimacy Practice And Presence
• 31:30 Masculine Leadership In The Bedroom
• 33:30 Performance Anxiety’s Real Root
• 35:05 Give Your Dick Some Space
• 36:40 Space, Curiosity, And Emergence
• 38:10 The Blueprint: Three Pillars
• 40:05 Beginner’s Mind And Map Expansion
• 42:10 Beyond Peak Orgasm
• 44:00 Program Details And Access
• 45:15 Closing Challenge And Resources
• 50:55 Outro And Brotherhood Invite

Transcript

SPEAKER_02: 0:00

For most men, sex is both desired and the most misunderstood part of our lives. It's something that we chase and we joke about and hide behind, but rarely talk about with deal with any depth and especially with any honesty. And behind this bravado, there's this quiet frustration, a performance anxiety, disconnection, lack of passion, or maybe even just feeling stuck in the same old patterns. And when that happens, it doesn't affect the bedroom. It bleeds into our energy, our confidence and our relationships. And so what if sex wasn't just about pleasure, but more about power, real, grounded masculine power. And so if you've ever wondered how it is to rekindle your confidence, deepen intimacy, and show up as a more powerful man in every part of your life, I think you're going to be in the right place today. And so make sure that you hit the subscribe button, the like button, and share this episode with another man who's ready to grow into the best version of himself. And with that, let's get on with today's episode.

SPEAKER_01: 1:04

The average man today is sleepwalking through life. Many never reaching their true potential, let alone ever crossing the finish line to living a purposeful life. Yet the hunger still exists, albeit buried amidst his cluttered mind, misguided beliefs, and values that no longer serve him. It's time to align yourself for greatness. It's time to become a revolutionary man. Stay strong, my brother.

SPEAKER_02: 1:33

Welcome back, everyone. My name is Alan D'Monzo. I'm the host and the founder of the Revolutionary Man Movement, and we're here to help men reclaim their purpose, rise with integrity, and to lead with power. And before the break, we started a conversation about what it really means to live as a man of substance, not just in your career, but in your relationships, your confidence, and your capacity for real intimacy. So let me ask you a couple of questions. What would change in your life if you had a complete mastery over your energy, your focus, and your desire? And what if that key to that mastery wasn't something out there that it was something in here? And to help us answer these questions and so much more is my guest today. His name is Rob Cancler, and he is an artist, athlete, entrepreneur, and a modern mystic. He's the founder of Men of Substance, a revolutionary sexual mastery program, helping men across the globe reclaim their confidence and vitality. Rob has spent more than two decades researching the intersection of modern sexology, neuroscience, and trauma healing and ancient wisdom traditions. And his mission is to help men experience sex so fulfilling, it transforms every area of their lives, making them even better partners, leaders, and human beings. And so, Rob, welcome to the show, my friend. I'm so happy to see you here today.

SPEAKER_00: 2:50

Thank you. Quite the intro. Thank you so much. Happy to be here.

SPEAKER_02: 2:54

Right on. Well, as we were talking before we got started into the studio here today, we're always on our own version of our heroes' quest. So, Rob, I'd like you to take us back to your death and rebirth moment that shaped you into the man you are today and that work that you're doing.

SPEAKER_00: 3:11

Okay. I was pondering this before hopping on here, and there are many. I don't know that I can pick just one. The one that I think is maybe worth starting with at least. We can see where we go, is I could set it up like this. Like I remember when I was in my 20s, my obsession with sex and sexuality, as so many people either or either feel internally, like this kind of nagging sense of okay, the subject. I spent a tremendous amount of time and energy focusing on it and really looking into like how do I resolve this feeling of not being fulfilled? And it sent me in a real way, just on this like endless search, like a wild goose chase of some things in like the pickup artist community and the seduction community, stuff in Tantra, Kink, BDSM, spending a lot of time chasing girls, being with all kinds of different women. And these were very formative and important experiences that I learned so much in. And I remember a time where I ended up in a relationship with a woman that coincided with spending a lot of time with a mentor, where I started to settle down in my own body and my focus on peak experiences and tantra and what's possible and orgasm and how can I pick up women and all of these things that felt like what is the most kind of spectacular expression of my power? It was almost like me really, almost like refusing to be emasculated, or something in me that just wouldn't take the like this part of you needs to calm down message. That I was just like, okay, go, I have to figure this out. I don't care that some people don't understand. To ending up in a situation where the woman that I was with and the teacher that I was spending the most time with were really inviting me to develop more of an awareness of my nervous system and a better understanding of the fear response in my body and looking really at trauma and what goes on. And I could frame this all as an investigation of the quote unquote how of consciousness and demystifying experience by having a better understanding of the nervous system and how it works. And not to strip it back to bare mechanics, but as we were talking before the show, it becomes an exploration about the true meaning of responsibility, where it seems like for a lot of people, and certainly for myself in the past, there was so much like just getting yanked around by random things that I didn't understand that were happening in my body. And also there being invisible forces that were driving my behavior and my thinking and my belief systems and all this sort of thing. And when I started to really play around with nervous system awareness and how that kind of coincides with mysticism, it all just started to come apart. It all just started to be like, okay, when I'm not in a state of fear or dysregulation, who am I? What do I like? What resonates with me? What do I care about? And it started to like unravel this thing that I didn't recognize that I could describe as almost like a context of being in a kind of state of dysregulation and fear where I wasn't able to really see what was going on before. And then that kind of disillusionment process happened gradually over time, somewhere at the intersection of this relationship and this apprenticeship. And I remember some key moments where I was, and it I'll shut up anytime you want me to. I can just talk endlessly sometimes, so feel free. But yeah, what maybe one piece that will tie this up is I remember this key moment. I was living in Berlin and I was sitting on the couch after a session with my mentor, just looking around and being like, why anything? Like what is real? What do I even care about? Like it was the sense of, okay, I remember what it was like last year. All that just seems foreign to me. I don't really resonate with that. And it was amazing because it was at the root, it wasn't like I had some sort of maybe there was a bit of like mindset shift, but it was really a body shift. It was really like learning how to regulate my nervous system, learning to be present to the sensations in my body, learning to not escalate into certain kind of thought loops and these other ways that we escalate in persona and adaptation, that it all just seemed to be like, okay, if I'm not doing that, who am I? Where am I? What do I care about? How do I know what matters? Because everything just seemed like it was so influenced by this new awareness of how my neurology, like my nervous system, my bodily state was influencing my cognition and creating a totally different bent that has since kind of helped from there. The integration process was very much looking at how do these core values, let's say, or these core things that are very energizing for me, translate through an embodiment that isn't fear-based and isn't so fundamentally about a bunch of different personas, that it's more about what we could say essence or who I really am, quote unquote.

SPEAKER_02: 9:06

That's really interesting, Rob, that you bring that up because you started talking about this, what it was like in the 20s, and I can completely relate to that. And I think a lot of our listeners can today, that we have this obsession with sex and me and that whole idea and that environment. And then you went and shifted right away and started talking about how fear was playing a part as well through and through that journey. And then you started asking some really key questions that I don't think very many men asked themselves. And that was things like what do I like? What do I care about? Who am I? Because we tend to be very reactive in our in in how we show up in the world. So I wanted to just dial us into talking about how you've done this work, you've developed this work, obviously through some great mentorship and some training, but you're helping men from their 20s. And I think in the recent in my research for today, like even into their 70s, to help men reconnect with vitality. And I think that's what your opening story is starting to talk about is this idea of reconnecting to this inner reality we have. And so what tell us let's unpack that a little bit, how you're helping them do that and how to get them started on that journey.

SPEAKER_00: 10:19

Yeah, I'm excited to see where we go in this conversation. I know we only have a short time, but I get the feeling that we have so many directions we could go. Where my mind goes here is I've been thinking a lot about exploring, feeling into guiding people in the awareness of people talk a lot about the matrix, right? There's all this analogy super played out, and people talk about it a lot. But it's a really good one in certain ways because it's like it's so easy to be preoccupied with something that does not matter at all. It's easy to spend our life force and our attention and our creative energy and our mental bandwidth doing things that have little to no meaning and is not aligned with what we truly value and want to contribute to the world around us. And it's like, how many people? I know your audience is mostly men, so like how many men are not able to live in a way that is aligned with what matters to them because they're just running down a hill and they can't help it. And what I would say is learning about embodiment, and there's another part around like consciousness and mindset type stuff. But for me at least, what my path is, and usually what I find myself compelled to guide people into is how we can use embodied presence, like tuning into being in reality, in reality instead of in whatever that is. That's so it's the another metaphor that people use a lot is how consciousness is like a radio, right? There's the sense of you're playing around with the transmitter and you can dial into a station that's just like some static, and there's not a particular high level of meaning or resonance for us on a deep level or let's say a spiritual level. And it's easy enough to just be in that range forever. And I think there are factors that are related to toxicity and mindset issues and beliefs and identity and embodiment to me just is so accessible. It's so easy to guide people into changing what they are attuned to by guiding them into deeper presence with their own embodiment and with their environment and with a field and with one another. And it's like more regulation be we could say, like more regulation begets more regulation. And the other way is also true that when you're in fear response, it's so easy to go in that direction further. And that's also how we our physiology works, where when we're in fear-based breathing, it signals to the brain to operate in a certain way and produce a certain kind of neurochemical soup and for different regions of the brain to fire. And then we just get momentum and then essentially create a quote unquote personality, which is basically just habits in a nervous system. And it's not who we really are, it's just something that we're used to doing because we're in an environment that's super overstimulating and on a social level feels very unsafe for us to be fully authentic and vulnerable and real with who we really are. So people are just operating in a straitjacket with a mask on, not moving at a pace that could actually work for who they really are. And people are suffering because everyone would suffer if they were doing that. And this is already becoming a conversation about responsibility. And I can frame responsibility. What is the extent of agency that we have? Like what how much choice do we actually have over this fucking thing? And how much are we just to be brutal, victims?

SPEAKER_02: 14:18

Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 14:19

How much can we actually choose and create things intentionally here versus what are we just subject to and there's nothing that we can do about it? And I think the answer to that question is way, way more than most people ever consider. This gets into what we could say is more like on the realm of mysticism or something like this of the extent of our consciousness manifesting reality is something that's like really wild to wrap our minds around the extent of how much we are actually co-authoring the emergent experiences. And I don't mean necessarily on a conscious level. And this is again where the conversation opens into so much more because it's like, who are you? And who am I? And how does our fixation with cognition represent the reality of who we are as beings? And it really doesn't very much. We're just addicted to like being in this little contracted idea of who I am. But when we start to really look at the way that fields emerge and we look at the nature of consciousness itself, which by the way, sex is a microcosm where you can play around with that and traverse all of this territory of extraordinary things in a way that's highly incentivized because we like sex and we like to serve the women that we love. It's great to be competent and capable in the domain of, let's say, succeeding in sex. I don't even remember your question. I'm just griffing here. Can you point me back to what you prompted me with and I can loop it in?

SPEAKER_02: 15:49

Yeah, I know you were we were talking about actually vitality, this idea of reconnecting to our vitality. And I like that you were going to the down the direction of this idea of consciousness because it is how we're how we I always use the term show up, how we show up, and it basically is based on the ideas and thoughts, you know, the words that we speak, our actions, all of that brings forward a certain type of consciousness. And so if we don't, if we have a consciousness, and we talked about it, I was envisioning this box, this frame we put ourselves into. And so we don't get a chance to experience anything out of that. And so, from a terms of truly being having vitality in our life, that energy, that power, and reclaiming that, we have to look at, and you mentioned earlier, uh this idea sometimes of core values and the things that we've held on to as beliefs. And it does bleed into a little bit into the idea of seeing us men for some of us, this idea of being this sexual master that we can please any woman or the woman that we're with because we have all of this, we have this idea that we just we know the the technique or we have the consciousness, but it's so much deeper and more than that. And so we're really trying to frame this through a few different ways, but this is a finality.

SPEAKER_00: 17:09

Yeah, let me jump in here because this is an interesting one. I was just writing about this today, where so I'll drop a little bomb in the room for a second, then we can maybe clean up the mess. So I read, I was reading this book. I don't know, uh maybe if it's relevant, I can frame it. But basically, there was a quote in the back of the book, just in the QA section or something, where this woman said something like get ready. This is a this is a very punchy one. The quote said something like If any man cannot manage to utterly and completely satisfy a woman, he will not feel himself to be a true man, regardless of any other achievements and successes. And this quote, if you view it from the frame of like fierce advocacy, it's damn what an invitation that is. And it's easy for it to feel like an attack, right? And when we speak to this kind of statement, and I'm not saying that this is or isn't true, we're just playing around here for a second for the listeners. It's like most people hear that and it gets processed through a whole web of stuff related to self-esteem issues and what this amazing woman, Pia Melody, calls outside in versus inside out self-esteem. And she breaks that down into three categories. One of them is you, I have value because of what I have. The second one is I have value because of what I can do. And the third one is I have value because you say I do. And what ends up happening is a lot of people end up in some sort of self-exploitation game with their sexuality related to self-esteem issues. And they're not in authentic creativity. They're trying to reconcile the desire to feel valued because of what I can do, what I have, and because of what whether or not you say I have value. And this gets very mixed up in the masculine desire for contribution, for competency, for appreciation, because it's like I have value because you say I do is very close to the masculine need to be respected and appreciated. Yes. And the masculine desire for abundance and provision is pretty close to I have value because of what I have, and the masculine desire for competency and self-reliance. And it's so easy to get all of that shit mixed up. And this is true broadly in life for men. It's true in relationship, and it is absolutely true for most people when it comes to sex. And we do not see this. We do not understand that a tremendous amount of what is driving us and influencing us is us just being busy trying to reconcile fundamental feelings of unworthiness. So getting to a clean place where we're not in fear, scarcity, unworthiness, compensation games, but we're actually in a state of wholeness and abundance and creativity is a profound thing to work out because otherwise you're just running around in circles in fear. It's just fear. It's just you're a traumatized monkey that doesn't understand what's driving it, running around in circles, trying to deal with the fact that you feel unworthy and you need to compensate for that because someone might find out and you're gonna die. There's this there's a certain level of biology where that's completely real. And to get out of that, there's a lot of things, mindset, belief shifts, but there's also something about the body. When you're able to be in a state of physiological safety, it's incompatible with that sort of fear thing. And when these when this spikes, when there's a adrenaline cortisol spike or whatever, how do we come back into a state of resourcefulness, having the sense that there are no tigers and it's fine? I can just be in my body, I can be present, and I can connect to what's true for me. And I think most people don't really realize the extent of how this is going on almost all the time for all people. And we just think it's quote, who we are. It's my personality. It's oh, that's just the way that I am, or that's the way that she is, or he is, or I. And it's okay. Well, there's this other factor related to personas and what kind of ranges of self feel safe and accessible, and where we need to hide, and what is or isn't welcome. And if I get found out and I need to be presentable, and these I better not be angry or afraid or sad or too intense or too expressive, and I better not be too sexual, and that could be weird, and I'll make her uncomfortable. And how do I do this? And then and it's been you're dead, once then 70 years go by and you're dead, and you were just busy in a fear response the entire time. So that's very sad. Right. And it's I think one of the things that's so interesting when I look when I take a 10,000-foot view of my work, there's this sense of okay, men want to have really good sex lives. It's like when you ask a man, like, hey, do you want to do deep work on yourself and have a better personal and spiritual life? Most men are like, I don't even know what that means. I have shit to do. But if you're like, hey, do you want to have the best sex of your life over and over and over again until you're an old man and give the woman you love the most amazing orgasms humanly possible? I don't know men who don't want to say no to that. Yeah, I don't like truly all across the spectrum for men who are very like gritty, for men who are like very grounded churchgoers, wholesome neighbors, whatever. There's this sense that men have when they're really being honest with themselves that like this matters to me. It matters. And this is counter to the narrative. We were talking about this a little bit before we started rolling, where there's this kind of myth in the zeitgeist, in the collective mind or conversation and culture or whatever that says that sexuality is indulgent or it's immature, it's juvenile, it's primal, we'd be better off without it. Don't be such a pervert, you're a dog, the dirty deed. There's this association to sexuality being something that is fundamentally not about our values. It's okay. So no, no wonder we're all fucked up about this because it's okay, we're in this conversation about how to be honorable men. And then there's this thing that we all acknowledge is super important that is fundamentally incompatible with being an honorable man. Yeah. And what a game. What a game. That's such a that's such a confusing thing to live inside of. I know that for me, I did not have very many people looking at what I was doing in my 20s and be like, hey Rob, I fully understand and respect what you're doing, and it's awesome. And also, here's some things that I can help you with. But it was all it was all people just trying to like shame me, suppress me, be like, that's wrong, you'll grow out of it, like just going into this. And there was something in me that's you don't understand. I'm not interested in this. It's like I had, and I think part of my conviction to do this work is to communicate to men that that part of you that feels like I'm not okay with the fact that I'm not having a deeply gratifying sexual experience on at least a semi-regular basis, and I don't know how to, as the quote says, utterly and completely satisfy a woman. The fact that we feel like troubled, disturbed by that is right. That is right. Follow that. Not only will that make you have a better sex life, that will make you have a better life. That will make us live in a better world. I really do believe that the integration of the way that we hold our sexuality and our sexual expression is a necessary component to living in an integrated world because the absence of that isn't in a vacuum. That you were saying that a theme for you and for your men this year is integrity. And as I mentioned, I see that we could say that I was literally just writing about this morning that like sexual fulfillment or not sexual fulfillment is is about sexual integrity. And sexual integrity is no different than integrity, thus, sexual fulfillment is an integrity issue. And I think this is it's so empowering and grounding to just be like, hey, the part of you that cares about this is right, take it seriously. It's a good thing for the world, for women, for yourself, for your children, for your community, for your profession, for your embodiment and your energy levels and your self-esteem and like all of this, right? Yeah, so many directions, but I'll pass it over to you here.

SPEAKER_02: 26:21

Yeah, but I just I was just writing a few things down there. You talked about reconciling the unworthiness for us, and that really resonated with me as we look to find different ways to get this validation for us for men that we want to be respected and validated. And you went through those three levels, and then you started talking about the idea also of you know what we bring into these relationships. And I can't help to think of where we just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary last year. We've been together for almost 30. And I think about those of us that have been in long-term relationships, and maybe we don't have the same connection, the same that passion has changed. We've allowed life to settle in and we put ourselves in this box and we framed ourselves well. And to your point, where we have this dichotomy between we want to be able to please a woman fully, completely, and yet it's about doing the deed. And we gotta get and we gotta get down and get busy. And we try to reconcile those two places. So I'm sure there's men listening today that are in some longer-term relationships and they're and they maybe they're struggling because of the situation that their relationship is. So, what would you say to that individual, to me, to as a stepping stone to start to rebuild this connection and vitality within that relationship?

SPEAKER_00: 27:45

That's a beautiful question, and it's a very important question, I think, for so many men. And what I have found is that it's worth thinking about how having an intimacy practice is like maybe just as fundamental as having a hygiene practice or exercising or making sure you eat right. Is do I take time, do I take time to be present and in my body with the woman that I love, the woman that I'm committing to, the woman that I'm cultivating this kind of intimacy with. So taking time to be in a state of physiological calm and presence where you're just in the moment, right? And this in and of itself is confronting because it often surfaces incompletion, meaning integrity issues, meaning open loops, withholds, conceals, broken agreements, lie, you know, it just the fact that we come together, and I can get into my ideas about what that really is, and we can talk about amplified fields and what happens and yada yada yada. But on a practical level, it's like when we come into real presence and we tell the truth about what is with us, it starts to bring up things that people don't know how to deal with. So they don't, they avoid it. So I think the avoidance of real intimacy is actually avoidance of self-intimacy and an avoidance of self because we don't know how to be with who we are and what's really inside of us, and we do not have the capacity to embody or express or make contact with certain ranges in ourselves. So we stay inside of this little frame because it's oh, if I play in this zone, I can just be Joe or whatever. But it's like when I come into real presence, there's all of this grief and frustration and maybe some like existential terror or a deep feeling of resentment or bitterness. It's like there's so much that's in us that we don't know how to deal with. So we avoid it, we avoid it, we contort, we suppress, we numb, we get tense, we shut down, we collapse. So there's all of This information in the body related to incomplete experiences in the body coming into presence and being honest is a hell of a thing to do. Because, and what's interesting too is like the more we are able to be present and the more capacity that we have for experience, we start to bring up what is there to be resolved. And that can be gradual and lovely. And it seems like there is a deep intelligence where it's interspersed with beauty and joy and nourishment. And there are ways I think where as men, I think we can talk about masculine leadership, or I can introduce an interesting concept of a principle of the masculine to architect an environment, right? Like we can think about this in a very practical 3D way. And we can also think about that in terms of like you as a man, as a principle of masculine leadership, are bringing the kind of architecting of the environment of your marriage and of your family. So there are ways in which we can provide the architecture of a sex and intimacy life that's both okay, I will show up in integrity, I will deal with the incompletion, whatever is here that needs to be dealt with. And also we're here to have fun, we're here to enjoy each other. So it's like there can almost be this. We're getting into a lot of nuance here, but the sense of what I see is that some people just get so overwhelmed and they're like, they just feel like this is so much. I'm like in the fucking therapy session every time I'm with my wife. God, this is not what I want. I wanted to have a sex date. What the fuck are we doing? Not fucking. It's like there's I'm just playing around here, but there's an interesting thing about the requirement that comes into the picture with okay, how do you actually take responsibility for creating an abundant and successful sexual life is not different than the skill set that's required for masculine leadership, period. So the sense of like how have sex so good that it makes you a better person is both yes, you will have sexual experiences that will open your heart and nourish you and give you more power and vitality and inspiration. And to be able to have those experiences, you have to step into a version of yourself that you might not have to in any other environment. So it's like it is a profoundly useful arena or context that's super incentivized again, because we want it to stumble our way into a more actualized and empowered version of ourselves.

SPEAKER_02: 32:32

That's so true. And I think it is about the really having us have an understanding of what masculine leadership looks like in this particular area of life, and it does, and it is similar in other parts of our lives. But I think part of the challenge for us for as men is that we have so much pressure we put on ourselves, this idea of performance, as I talked about in the intro, and so we can get wrapped up into that aspect of it and forget about the pres being present. You talked about this embodiment to me, when I hear and talk about embodiment, it's about am I conscious enough, am I aware enough what's happening in my body in this moment? Like how is it how is it changing? How am I showing up? And that helps that gives us signals, it gives me signals to I can change my approach, I can do things differently if I'm willing to just slow down a little bit. And you didn't really use this word earlier, but I really got the sense that you were talking about really so far this entire episode is really about are we willing to surrender and not try to be in control so much and just allow a few things to happen. And so that it leads me into we've been touching on so much stuff, and it's it's such a deep topic, and I'm I'm gonna have to have you come back and dive into some specifics, but I do want to spend some time here also talking about your program, the men of substance, and how you're utilizing this program to help us men to become men of substance and become more aware of who we are and how we're showing up in the world. So let's talk a little bit about your program. Okay, two things that you said.

SPEAKER_00: 34:09

Number one, I'd be happy to come back anytime. It's been enjoyable. And yeah, thank you. I like the way you do your thing. So that's one. Second thing that I'll say, just to close the loop here or weave it into what we're saying before, performance anxiety is in a way no different than this outside in self-esteem thing that we were talking about before. That performance pressure is so often associated with I need to do it right. Right. Which, if we really look at the root, this might sound a bit intense. I've explored this a lot with a lot of different people. And as far as I can tell, what is at the root of all of that? The root of it is a fundamental feeling of unworthiness. And then on top of that is self-esteem issues. And just above that is these three different flavors of it that we were discussing in the sense of, okay, I have value because of what I can do, and I have value because you say I do. So I better do it right now because, gosh, there are high stakes, right? What happens if I don't do it right? What if somebody finds out? What if I don't compensate correctly for the fact that there's something wrong with me fundamentally? So I better make sure. And that's stressful. If you think about that, like how stressful that would be for somebody to live and relate and make love from the premise of I really have to make sure that I don't default to the baseline of me, which is broken. There's something wrong with me. So I have to compensate all the time. And in this most vulnerable situation of being naked and rich sharing with somebody so intimately, I better really do it right because that's it's just skin on skin here, right? So I if I'm not maintaining the doing it right thing, yikes.

SPEAKER_02: 35:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 36:00

So what I have found in doing this work with a lot of men over the years is that there's a one of the first things that we look at is this unworthiness thing because it's such a bitch. And even so many men just don't really think that they have that going on until they learn these practices, and then they're just like, oh my God, I feel so much space around me. Holy shit. I had no idea. And I call this teaching. We have this whole library of incredibly on point teachings that really are like the keys that open men into so much more possibility and empowerment for themselves and for whoever they're with. And one of the first teachings that we like to share with people, we have fun in the program. It's called give your dick some space. And it's the invitation to be like, what would it be like to just leave yourself alone and not necessarily be passive, but to have more space and see if you can bring your energy back and wide and not be in front of yourself, right? Like this, oh, I'm doing sex now correctly, hopefully, or better not mess up. To just being like, okay, I'm just here giving myself the gift of having an actual experience of myself, of my embodiment, of being with whoever I'm with, just like in an exploration, as if nothing bad could happen. And you're just there to be curious and creative and to play and to connect and to be generous and to receive. And what would it be like to just give yourself space to have an actual emergent experience of being you in this environment of physical intimacy and sexual exchange? And it's amazing to bring this idea into a group of men because it's like we talk conceptually about unworthiness and self-esteem and yada. And people are like, Yeah, I get that, but not me, or I used to be like that. And then we start to talk about like where the rubber meets the road here, and then there's this not different than what just happened there. There's almost like this silence. There's this, ooh, that sounds nice. That sounds different. I've never felt that before. And I remember this is many years ago, I had an experience where it was really like for the first time in my life, I was with a lover, and I just felt, for whatever reason, no idea why, that I didn't have this sense that I had to do anything. I just was there and was just like, wow, this is amazing. This is amazing. Being with being here, being in my body, seeing how my body's responding, the way that she is, even just feel breathing and feeling the sensations in my body, just enjoying how I was responding to her. It felt like I was slightly displaced from my usual self and was just, whoa, oh my god, like almost like being on psychedelics or something, but I wasn't, and was just like in just in awe. And there was so much space and so much kind of wide being in my back and being low in my body and slowing down and leaving myself alone. It was amazing. It was amazing, and that was something that like once I really landed in my body, it was like, okay, what happens if I have sex from here? What happens if I take a walk from here? What happens if I have a conversation from here? And so it just opened a lot of doors. So your question was about the programs that we run. Men of Substance is an umbrella, and underneath it, there's several different things. We run a program called the Blueprint, which is like the fastest way to get a foundation that will completely blow your mind and your reality open in a couple different ways. We can say that there are three primary pillars. One of them is connecting to your own innate sexual wisdom, your innate body intelligence, intuition, instincts, or whatever. Because most people have sex from their head. Like they have sex because they learn how to do it, right? From porn, from movies, from whatever influences have been around us. We received some sort of suggestion from the world around us that this is how you do a thing called sex. And believe it or not, that's not really useful comparatively to what else is out there and the wisdom in your body. Like a lot of the information that people are looking for is not out there, as you said at the beginning. It's in you. The intelligence that you're looking for is in you. And you just have to learn how to tap into that and drop your mind into your body, so to say, so that you can sense your way through a sexual experience instead of think your way through it. So that's huge. Tapping into your innate body wisdom, body intelligence, sexual instincts. The second thing is understanding women, how to open women, the nature of female sexual opening and female orgasmic ranges and all this sort of stuff about women and how they work. Very important to demystify that whole world because, again, we're living inside of mythology that doesn't really have anything to do with what you need to know to have a good life. Back to this whole matrix thing. It's like there's just been this like insane thing going on in front of your face forever, and it has nothing to do with what you need to know to have a great life. Uh, and then the third thing is related to what I was just saying is it a lot of the work in the early stages to get men to really be like, okay, I'm in, is what we used to call imagination upgrades, which is the sense of you have no idea what you don't know, right? Nobody does. I don't know what I don't know, you don't know what you don't know. But there's the sense of, I really do believe that one of the only reasons that men are not invested in learning what I teach is because they don't know what it is and they don't know what they're missing out on. They're like, oh, it's I get better at like butt sex and deep throat and whatever. And it's just like, we're not even in the vicinity of the conversation. Like what we're talking about is so deep. And what I mean by this is a couple things. I share what my former teaching partner coined as sex stories from beyond, and that word's stuck. And it helps people to be like, what's even on the menu here? What's on the map? What happened, what can happen in sex? And I have had a ton of experiences that for me I did I had no idea that they were a thing before they just happened from me following my own body intelligence into experiences that were totally unknown territory. But what I was gonna say is when I was probably 23, through a series of weird synchronicities, I ended up with a video of a guy who had a woman on a massage table, and he started waving his hand over the woman, and she started to have an orgasm. And I was like, that's not real. That's not real. Oh fuck, is that real? God damn it. Like it was just this sense of like, how do I it's okay, that man's a charlatan, these women are actors, this is bullshit, and then I figured out who that guy was, I met him, I spent a lot of time with him. It's 100% real. So for this is a formative experience where it was like, how do I re if I'm like so obsessed with understanding how women work and how to please them and what is like how to give women amazing orgasms and whatever, and how do I do that in a way that's authentic and true to my sexuality and not give me a lollipop because I rubbed your clit or whatever. But getting into a frame that was so much wider and a person that was playing a totally different game. There was something in me that was just like, How do I reconcile this? Like, I have to know what this is. How is he doing that? What the hell is going on in front of me right here? So, this is one example of something that just popped me out of the matrix of just being like, Okay, I don't know anything. I don't know anything. And one of the first times that I was with that guy, he he was like, Let's start with the premise that you don't know anything at all about sex. It's easier than trying to sort through all the crap that you think and finding what is valid. Let's just assume that everything that you know is wrong and you have no idea what this is. And it was a very confronting thing. So, anyways, I don't I think that's not for everybody because there's so much wisdom, and men have so many experiences and they don't want to hear that shit, especially especially older men, like they don't want to be spoken to that way. But I like to open the work that I do, but yeah, there's a lot of things that you know about sex, and a lot of the things that you know are actually getting in your way. So let's approach this with beginner's mind and be here both with I'll honor you guys and I'll respect you, but also let's go and we move fast, and there's a hell of a lot of information here that you probably want. Let's get into it. And a big part of it is as I was saying again, the third piece is let's expand the map so that you are no longer living in a sandbox and you can actually start to play the game where the full sense of fulfillment occurs. That real sense of I'm no longer just doing whatever's available or so this is a point in the conversation where it's I'll just accept the fact that I will not say everything that I want to share with you and with your audience right now. It's not possible. But I will say that I think that we don't even really understand what sexual satisfaction is because we're so used to peak orgasm and climax, which I think is actually not the completion of the sexual impulse. And this is a really important thing, and I don't think we have time to unpack it, so maybe a cliffhanger for next time. The completion of the sexual impulse, which what what leads to sexual satisfaction, is not about peak orgasm or ejaculation. That is actually the depletion of the charge that mobilizes the sexual impulse. It is not the completion of the sexual impulse. So most men are simultaneously in this experience of not feeling sexually satisfied, but they're coming all the time. So they just keep depleting the energy that is mobilizing them in the direction of the full cathartic expression and the contribution that they could give to their woman so that they both people would feel this tremendous sense of wholeness and fulfillment and moving energy and revealing ourselves and meeting one another and being in this very natural process. But it's it's we could compare it to like sneezing or something. It's like your body knows how to do a thing. If you follow horiness to its completion without going into addiction, self-exploitation, performance crap, whatever, with all these different things that can happen when we're playing around with the erotic and with sexual energy, and we understand how to actually move it from essence and authenticity, it will lead you somewhere that is so profoundly healing and transformational for you and the person that you are with that it's almost like it comes back to the thing that I was saying is like when if people knew what this was, they would not be okay not knowing about it and not living it. It it is like a fundamental part of what it is to be a whole person and like a healthy, integrated, natural man with a dynamic, self-regulating body and life that's integrated to the essence of his manhood and his creativity and his desire for love and affirmation and appreciation and all of that stuff, that it's so linked in that and it's missing. And that missing element is impacting our lives, our health, our relationships, our identity, our parenting, our communities, our world, our relationship with nature, our relationship with our professional. It's so deep how consequential it is that this fundamental part of our masculinity and our creativity is fucked up. Yeah. So I'll leave it there. That's a lot of stuff. But in the program, we give people an incredible foundation. And my goal as a facilitator and teacher is to help people to have the tools to be able to continually expand and discover totally independent for me for the rest of their lives. And that is my goal. And yeah, we put a lot of love into these programs and we're proud of them and they're amazing. I got a great team around me. And if you're curious, come find me. I'm easy to find.

SPEAKER_02: 48:46

Yeah, absolutely. What a great conversation today, Robin. I know we just barely touched the surface of everything that we can really get into today. And I was a notes I was writing down, the one lasting message that I've got here is you don't know anything. And to as a reminder of ourselves, is to stop thinking that we have we know, and to just be in that place of surrender that is, I don't know anything. And then we have that beginner's mind and we can actually learn to do something different. So I just want to say, brother, thank you so much for the conversation today and helping us see sexuality from a different lens, right? And it's not something that's separate from us and our purpose, but it's really an vital, important part of how we lead and how we love, and obviously how we live. And so if men are interested to learn about your work and where to and get take the next step with you, what's the best way for them to reach you?

SPEAKER_00: 49:37

Um, you can find me on social media and at robcancler.com. My last name is K-A-N-C-L-E-R. So Rob, short for Robert, K-A-N-C-L-E-R on socials or Robcancler.com. The program that I mentioned, the general point of entry into the Men of Substance work is called Blueprint. Uh, we run it a couple times a year. We also do a live in-person version. We got a lot of stuff going on. If you're interested, if you're drawn to the work, just come find me. It's easy. We'll help you find a point of entry that makes sense for you.

SPEAKER_02: 50:09

I'm going to make sure your website and wherever you are and social media is in today's show notes so folks get an opportunity to reach out to you. And as we consider closing today's episode, I just want to challenge you, gentlemen, out there with this one thing that if you're leading your life with embodied confidence, or are you just managing desire on autopilot? And so if you're ready to reclaim energy, your purpose, and especially your integrity, then I'm going to invite you to take our free integrity challenge. You can go find that at members.theawakenman.net. And let's live with intention, let's live with integrity, and let's get started now. And so once again, thank you so much, Rob, for being on the show.

SPEAKER_00: 50:44

My pleasure, Alan. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01: 50:55

Thank you for listening to the Revolutionary Man podcast. Are you ready to own your destiny to become more the man you are destined to be? Join the Brotherhood that is the Awakened Man at theawakendman.net and start forging a new destiny today.