The Goldman State
Ed Goldman is a longtime newspaper and magazine columnist, the author of five books and creator of The Goldman State, a three-times-a-week online column with subscribers in 40 states, Canada and Europe. A professional playwright, composer and painter, Ed has also taught journalism at five California Universities and community colleges. His bucket list includes becoming the victim of a corporate takeover. This podcast is an extension of his unique take on the world around us and his interpretation, with all the creativity imaginable, of what that would literally sound like if he were to speak it.
The Goldman State
Episode 74: Why Restrict Celebrity Branding to the Living?
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Ever wondered what kind of products the icons of classic Hollywood would endorse if they were alive today? Allow me to introduce you.
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00:12 - Ed Goldman (Host)
Hi, this is Ed Goldman with the Goldman State Podcast. So many contemporary celebrities have their own product lines. Gwyneth Paltrow has her skincare line called Goop, which may be a terrific example of truth in advertising. Rihanna pushes Louis Vuitton bags. Chanel uses Timothée Chalamet to be the face of bleh. It's men's cologne, though. I'm not sure most men would want to be accused of talking till they were bleh in the face While Steve McQueen and James Dean posthumously hawked chinos. I feel bad for the celebrities who missed out on those branding bucks owing to their deaths. So here are 15 suggested bits of merch for the dearly departed to be tied into.
00:59
Number one Wyatt Earp Lugs. Do you awaken to the sound of pistols a-blazing and realize it sounds like the OK Corral C-H-O-R-A-L-E? These silicon earbuds are the ones the famous US Marshal would have worn had they been invented. Yet Go to Amazoncom for last century delivery. Number two Rudolph Vasolino, the matinee idol of silent films, would have loved promoting this hair oil made with petroleum jelly and also suited for an embarrassing number of bodily functions, or, if you prefer, a number of embarrassing bodily functions. In any case, if you guys out there were to slick down your hair and think it'll make you an instant icon. Better try on a pair of toreador pants to see what your total affect might be. If you can't slide them on, try lubricating your blubbery thighs with this versatile product.
01:50
Number three Marilyn Mon Rolex watches. You can buy a stolen one of these after all. Some like it hot but chances are you'll opt for the version sold at your CVS jewelry counter. It's right beside the spinning rack of rhinestone bedecked reading glasses, the ones which make everyone look like an irritable maiden ant demanding to see the manager. Number four Fred, a stair stepper. You may be wondering how did the legendary hoofer of film legend stay in such good shape? Well, rest assured, it had absolutely nothing to do with this exercise device. That should take some pressure off you if, during your third week of ownership, you realize it makes an excellent coat rack. Number five Bozo Zempik, a pill that simultaneously helps you lose weight, control your diabetes, lower your blood pressure and make you look like a clown.
02:42
Number six carry-on-grant bags. Walk, don't run. That was Cary Grant's final movie To get a set of these factory irregulars by Samsonite. You'll feel suave for at least a moment as you sling one of these bags over your shoulder, but hopefully not into the face of some poor TSA worker who reminds you shortly before he passes out that what you slung was your mainframe computer case, not your shoulder bag.
03:05
Number seven Rosalind Russell Terriers. If you think there's only one breed of these adorable, exciting dogs, you obviously don't know, jack, available at puppy meals or online. These compact little creatures may even be faxable, though that could maim them. You see, rosalind Russell is in a movie called Anti-Main, never mind. Number eight, humphrey Bogarters. Sorry, it's just too painful to contemplate our favorite anti-hero wearing garters unless they're holding up his sleeves because he's playing a riverboat card dealer in a film called Casino Blanca.
03:40
Number nine Audrey Hepburn's. If you're tired of all your sun-worshipping pals calling you my fair lady, try clicking on the Glamorous Star's non-SPF app ointment site. Also in this line of products designed for beach bathers, charles Braun's son. Number 10, gerald Ford Escort. Yes, the little compact car that couldn't is back this time, serving as a landlocked tug to push self-driving Teslas back to the showroom.
04:10
Number 11, clark Cable A 24-hour channel showing only the Rhett Butler scenes from Gone with the Wind, since the rest of them were really boring. Number 12, dispenser Tracy. This audiobook features the best tips the versatile star gave to pretentious upstarts, including and this is 100% real come to work on time, know your lines and don't bump into the other actors. Number 13, gene Kelly Therapy, something you may need to seek out if getting in shape with the Fred Astaire stepper didn't work out as hoped.
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Number 14, ethel Mermanikures. This franchise of nail salons features piped-in music of the Broadway stars singing everything's coming up roses so loudly that customers forget they're being overcome by the fumes emanating from the lacquer coating being slathered on their fingernails. And number 15, elvis Parsley. While the rock and roll god knew precedence and royalty, he apparently never met a salad. Here's the first in a lighter eating line of foods and products we feel could have saved his life. Others include you ain't nothing but an impossible hot dog heart of lettuce. Break hotel, don't be cruet and return my blender. Long relive the king. I'm Ed Goldman. My column, the Goldman State, comes out every Monday, wednesday and Friday. You can subscribe for free at GoldmanStatecom. Thanks for listening.