The Goldman State
Ed Goldman is a longtime newspaper and magazine columnist, the author of five books and creator of The Goldman State, a three-times-a-week online column with subscribers in 40 states, Canada and Europe. A professional playwright, composer and painter, Ed has also taught journalism at five California Universities and community colleges. His bucket list includes becoming the victim of a corporate takeover. This podcast is an extension of his unique take on the world around us and his interpretation, with all the creativity imaginable, of what that would literally sound like if he were to speak it.
The Goldman State
Episode 76: Non-Sanguine Penguin Descendants Descend Upon Me.
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Picture this: a quiet afternoon interrupted by the unexpected arrival of two penguins at my doorstep, one of whom seems to channel the spirit of Groucho Marx himself. They came with an unusual predicament which I'll explain...
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00:12 - Ed Goldman (Host)
Hi, this is Ed Goldman with the Goldman State Podcast. Cbs News reports that Maryland Zoo's Mr Greedy quote died a few weeks ago. After fathering 230 penguins and helping rebuild the species population in zoos across America, he lived to see five generations of offspring fathered through the zoo's African penguin species survival plan unquote. Now, it isn't every day I answer a knock on my front door and find two penguins standing there. Yet this is exactly what happens. The other afternoon, exactly. Swear to God. Yes, I ask. Is that a question or an answer? Asks the more outgoing penguin who sounds a little like Groucho Marx. If it's a question, the answer is my client and I are here to see you and ready to talk plenty. But if it's an answer, I don't remember asking a question. All right, definitely trying to be Groucho, I think. Everything but the cigar and grease paint mustache Okay, and opposable thumbs. But I try to keep an open mind. It was a question on a par with the operatic. Who's that knocking at my door, cried the fair young maiden, I say, possibly singing the little refrain. If that's a reference to a Popeye cartoon in which his nemesis Bluto sings in response to olive oil, it's me myself and nobody else. It's Barnacle, bill the Sailor, then I'm all ears, groucho says quickly, adding not that I have ears, but you get the idea. In fact, I may be the first idea you'll get in 2025.
01:40
The reincarnation of the fastest comic mind in history as a penguin was irresistible. But I'm on a deadline at the time. So I say, just tell me why you knocked at my door. The balla, didn't the worka. The other penguin chimes in, so this one's doing chico marks. I say to Groucho what gave him away? The pigeon Italian accent? Groucho asks. I nod Well, he didn't have the time to learn a penguin Italian accent. He says After more of what Groucho might deem a good badnidge or bad goodnidge, he comes to the point I'm representing the toninthite penguins fathered by the deceased Mr Greedy. He says you can imagine how difficult an estate this is going to be to settle 200 completely identical aquatic, flightless bides, identical.
02:24
I ask I thought there were several different types of penguins and there are any number of white Rotarians. Groucho retorts Can you tell them apart? Of course I Now grant you. We have the emperor, gentoo, chinstrap, adili, king, southern rockhopper and macaroni penguin. He enumerates without consulting Google even once, but when it comes down to it, we're all the same guy. Even the Goyles are guys, as we sometimes discover on dates that end badly. Even for the erect crested penguin, whom you'd think would Look, I say this is getting a little weird. I'll bet that was your nickname as a kid.
03:00
Letting that pass while wondering who his spot-on source was, I asked what do you want me to do? Well, I understand you write a column, groucho, says. I say I understand you write a column, even though for the life of me, I rarely understand it. I thought maybe you can write about our situation, not that I'm suggesting you can write, but even if it's just AI chaining out these things, the publicity wouldn't hide our cause. And why won't you let us into your condo? I feel like a Jehovah's Penguin standing on your stoop so long. Should I have brought some pamphlets? I'm sorry. I say allowing them entry into my living room. I've forgotten my manners. That's what the absent-minded landowner said Groucho snaps. Only he spelled them differently, just like the absent-minded witch did when she couldn't remember which coast she laid on which poison. She misspelled them. Ha God, I hate explaining jokes. I'm sure God does too. I said trying to get into the spirit of madness.
03:52
The penguins didn't stay too long. When it turned out, I had neither krill nor squid in the fridge to offer as appetizers as they left. I promised to write about our encounter but asked them if they're approaching writers with far more reach than mine. Well, that would be just about everybody, groucho says. As he and Chico waddle past me and out the door, I step outside to see them off and discover hordes of penguins in my community, all approaching, entering or exiting other condos. I shout to Groucho that, as far as I know, I'm the only one in my name with a column. Not a problem. He says they're not with us. They're handing out religious pamphlets. I'm Ed Goldman. My column, the Goldman State, comes out every Monday, wednesday and Friday. You can subscribe for free at GoldmanStatecom. Thanks for listening.