Episode 85: DIY-Not?!

Tech quandries abound yet we're still doing far too much ourselves in my opinion. Why is it some technologies advance in the blink of an automated eye, yet others that should be advancing, languishing and causing us, to do-it-ourselves. You go D-I-Y. I've got the solutions for the rest of us in this episode.


Summary Markers

00:00 Introduction to the Goldman State Podcast
00:16 The Stagnation of Certain Technologies
00:51 Humorous Take on Self-Improving Innovations
01:27 Ed's Personal Tech Projects
02:11 Innovative and Quirky Inventions
02:59 The Popsongs Chip: A Musical Revolution
03:58 Self Hair Transplantation System
04:50 Conclusion and Subscription Information

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Transcript

Ed Goldman: [00:00:00] 

Hi, this is Ed Goldman with the Goldman State Podcast. Why have some types of technology advanced in such an exponential way, while others came to a hard stop after achieving only one modest goal? Yes, I'm thinking of the self cleaning oven. I mean, with all these overnight tech billionaires dominating our news economy and guest bedrooms at the White House, Shouldn't we already have self cleaning homes and self diapering babies?

Can't somebody create the self martinizing pantsuit, self changing motor oil, and self correcting cocktail conversation? Of the latter, why should we have to go through all the bother of sending notes of apology after subtly implying at an office party that our boss is a [00:01:00] hypocrite by having greeted him identically twice?

One for each face, sir! Couldn't we have a snark preventive chip installed in our Blather Center? Uh, science won't tell you the Blather Center exists, by the way, but reliable sources tell me it's right there along with the cerebrum, brainstem, and cerebellum. I'll grant you that those sources were reporting what they'd absorbed in a pre K morning class, along with dinosaur stuff and snack, but still.

Anyway! I'm on this, friends. I'm currently creating spec drawings for self dusting bookcases, self vacuuming carpets, self loading and emptying dishwashers, and self clipping fingernails. To be truthful, that last one has become the most challenging, since it involves my effecting nothing less than evolutionary anatomical change, which sometimes can take millions of years.

to come to fruition. But I can be patient to a fault, as my creditors, friends, and San Andreas himself will verify. I have some other innovations I'm working on too, [00:02:00] unaided by AI, I'll have you know, have you know, have you know, have you know, whoops, sorry about that. I must have been hacked by one of those pre k kids using her dad's chat GPT app.

Here's a Walt Whitman sampler of them. I created that brand because I think many of these are as poetic as they are tasty and likely to contribute to adult onset acne. The Auto Ozempic and Climate Change Denial App. This combo product is sent from your computer's smartphone or pet, Starling. When a voicemail is left for you from A, a friend desperate to know how you lost 76 pounds in less than a week, or B, a volunteer asking you to be a sponsor of a Greenpeace conference at the North Pole next winter.

It will feature an AI simulation of your voice saying, respectively, A, Through diet adjustment and exercise. And B, I can't afford a sponsorship at this time, but call me the very moment the ice caps break into cubes, and I'll commit to buying five bags for my next mocktail party. Here's another invention.

The [00:03:00] Popsongs chip. This device, developed over a period of years during which several of its contributing geniuses alternately fought with each other, fell in love, changed their birth gender, changed their rival's birth gender without permission, or died in pistol duels. Yeah, this device is, at long last, a revelation.

It stores up not only all the pop songs you never learned or even liked, and with a click of what appears to be an unexceptional looking Bic ballpoint pen, albeit one obtruding from your neck, also lets you sing the songs in the identical voice of their most famous recording artists. Choose an era in which you paid scant attention to the music.

For me, this would be the decades following the breakup of the Beatles, Bob Dylan's Born Again epoch, and Billy Joel with a full head of hair. Then just open up your mouth and be the life of the next karaoke night at your favorite bar. One note of caution, because your singing will also feature the backup instruments coming from your mouth, be prepared to do some mansplaining, especially if you're a woman.

Another new device, the [00:04:00] self hair transplantation system. Instead of going through the painful procedure of having someone surgically yank hair from the back of your head, then hammer it into the top of your skull, sometimes employing anesthesia unless the operation proves to be out of network for your healthcare provider, why not do as millions of Americans do every day?

Self medicate. I realize this term has received lousy press, but, grow up. When you need an aspirin, does someone pop it into your mouth for you after a few minutes of playing airplane? That'd be the pill popper. And hanger? That'd be your mouth. Of course not. Unless you're in pre K and got an owie after a classmate snacked, snacked you.

Unless, of course not. Unless you're in pre K and got an owie after a classmate smacked you in the face with a toy triceratops. I'm Ed Goldman. My column, The Goldman State, comes out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. You can subscribe for free at GoldmanState. com. Thanks for [00:05:00] listening.