Episode 86: Just Park It, Man!

A recent report from a respectable organization sites 7 parking spaces exist for each vehicle in the country. Now how can that be and what can we do to ensure we maximizing this incongruency state to state? 

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Transcript

[00:00:00] 

Hi, this is Ed Goldman with the Goldman State Podcast. The next time you can't find a parking space in your city's downtown after dark, or at a suburban mall on a Saturday afternoon, try to remember this meant to be reassuring news from a recent New York Times story. Quote, Two billion parking spots dot the country, by some estimates.

That's roughly seven spaces for every car, adding up to an area about the size of West Virginia. Unquote. I'm guessing we're not feeling all that reassured. In fact Aren't we a bit angrier than we were before hearing the previous paragraph? It means that our inability to find one of seven parking spaces available makes us, let's not be falsely kind, total losers.

[00:01:00] The statistic reminds me of that famous saying, water, water everywhere, but no water to drink. That's from The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, a poem by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, who lived from 1772 to 1834. While he was referring to the sea, bear in mind he was also an opium addict. This means he might have been using the sea as a metaphor for the time he looked out his living room window and saw his pusher stop at every home on the other side of the street, giving out little packages of drugs to everybody else, and that he never stopped at Samuel's place.

His pharmaceutical abuse, by the way, may also explain why Samuel Coleridge couldn't spell rhyme. In the poem, it's spelled R I M E, and we know better, don't we? But we'll get into that in another podcast whose working title is The Timeless Typos of Our Literary Titans. I'm slotting that for the second Wednesday of next week.

I also infer from the Times report that if I really want to find a parking space, I should either move to West Virginia, 

[00:02:00] Or just drive there, park my car, and take an Uber to my destination. But this could prove costly. This may be as opportune a moment as any to reveal a heretofore miraculous fact about myself.

I always find a parking space. This admittedly bold statement comes with a caveat. While I always find a space It doesn't mean it isn't occupied. Now, if you think I just cheated, bear in mind that Coleridge could damn well have drunk the ocean water surrounding the ancient mariner. If it didn't kill him, at the very least, the salt would have raised his blood pressure to an unhealthy level, no doubt requiring him to ingest more opium to bring it down.

All I'm saying is that he could have, not that he should have. Let this be a lesson for our younger listeners. Sailing the ocean while hooked on dope is bound to be a life shortening enterprise, kids. Better to play TikTok games and help the Chinese use your fascinating data to plot the overthrow of your government.

Okay, okay. I'm back. I just needed a short break to shoot up some salt water. No, no, no. Don't ever do that, kids.  

[00:03:00] In fact, I wanted to ask afew questions about the apparent glut of parking spaces in the country and what I can do with this information. A, I can buy five more cars. I technically could buy six more to use all the spaces the nation has for me, but as a canny investor, I know it's always good to leave oneself a little wiggle room.

This rule also applies to selecting an elevator car based on its occupancy. And buying denims, lacking that fabled skoshe more room. B, I could buy and flip cars. The eBay ads I'd create would have wording something like, Your country has seven parking spaces available for you. Filling them with seven of your own cars is your patriotic duty.

We offer special rebates for military vets, teachers, and auto theft consultants. And see the last thing I can do, according to its online self description, quote, Located in the Appalachian Mountains, West Virginia covers an area of 24, 229. 76 square miles, with 152. 03 square miles of water, unquote.  

[00:04:00] If so, shouldn't some of our more arid but auto heavy areas, Southern California comes to mind.

Consider swapping cars for water. West Virginia would be able to fill its parking spaces in Los Angeles. Its reservoirs. Please email my Genius grant to Goldman State Podcast. I'm Ed Goldman. My column, the Goldman State comes out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. You can subscribe for free at goldmanstate.com.

Thanks for listening.