The Goldman State
Ed Goldman is a longtime newspaper and magazine columnist, the author of five books and creator of The Goldman State, a three-times-a-week online column with subscribers in 40 states, Canada and Europe. A professional playwright, composer and painter, Ed has also taught journalism at five California Universities and community colleges. His bucket list includes becoming the victim of a corporate takeover. This podcast is an extension of his unique take on the world around us and his interpretation, with all the creativity imaginable, of what that would literally sound like if he were to speak it.
The Goldman State
Episode 87: When You Wish Upon a Czar
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Pardon czar, affordability czar, expense czar, what's next? Oh, surely I have some observations worth noting that you may be surprised to hear - or not.
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00:12 - Ed Goldman (Host)
Hi, this is Ed Goldman. With the Goldman State Podcast, we begin with a tasteful country tune I'll grant your pardon, but only when we're in the Rose Garden. That's where the press will be At least a few of them, but not the AP. Now, did you read here, or physically intuit, that our president now has a pardon czar? She's former felon Alice Marie Johnson, who served 21 years in prison for cocaine trafficking. This makes her one of President Trump's few appointees who talks the talk. Talk, but has also walked the walk, the perp walk, but still, and because Trump commuted her sentence thanks to Kim Kardashian's butting in please forgive me, it's the meds. Johnson knows what it's like to be set free after doing time. This should be an enormous help.
01:02
Compassion-wise, since her job will be to recommend individuals for Trump to pardon, she's likely to send a questionnaire to all wannabe parolees, which will include the following inquiries. Number one what is your net worth? Number two how much do you love Donald Trump? This is actually a follow-up to the first question and may require some math. So we're including in your package a pocket calculator from Texas Instruments, which has donated the device in return for promotional consideration. Number three how large a parcel are you willing to develop in our Mideast Protectorate Luxury Resort Maragaza. We have attached our President's Community Master Plan for your perusal and, of course, your absolute delight when discussing it with the news media, most of whom will now be absolutely delighted by your absolute delight. As you look over the plan, please note the hiking trails which are currently being hiked by refugees whom we've taken the liberty of evicting for non-payment of something or other. Other amenities include a water board feature and free Wi-Fi on every dune.
02:07
But wait, there's more, or possibly less, not to be outdone by himself, trump has also said that US Treasury Secretary Scott Besant can create an affordability czar to address high prices in the US, a continuing concern which our president said he'd fix on day one of his new reign of error, saying he's laser-focused on the affordability issue. Secretary Besant says he's picking five or eight areas where this administration can make a big difference for working-class Americans. Yeah, he said five or eight. This is akin to a cartoon bully saying he's about to use fisticuffs to teach a frisky rabbit, pesky mouse or yet-to-be-spinached-up Popeye a thing or three. Now, is it just me or do you also tremble a little at that kind of imprecise math emanating from our laser-wielding secretary. If he'd said a couple of three areas, I'd have let that pass, because two and three are as close together as numbers can be, but five and eight are three numbers apart.
03:14
To personalize this, would you accept a job from a boss who offered to pay you $5,000 or $8,000 a month? How much trust would you put in a car dealer who told you your new C-Class Mercedes would run you about $50,000 or $80,000? And would you marry someone who promised to love, honor and cherish you till death? Do us part or thereabouts. Now, maybe the next time Besson says something this vague, he can ask forgiveness from the new pardon czar. I'm sure she'll grant him one in five or eight minutes. I'm Ed Goldman. My column, the Goldman State, comes out every Monday, wednesday and Friday. You can subscribe for free at GoldmanStatecom. Thanks for listening.