The Goldman State
Ed Goldman is a longtime newspaper and magazine columnist, the author of five books and creator of The Goldman State, a three-times-a-week online column with subscribers in 40 states, Canada and Europe. A professional playwright, composer and painter, Ed has also taught journalism at five California Universities and community colleges. His bucket list includes becoming the victim of a corporate takeover. This podcast is an extension of his unique take on the world around us and his interpretation, with all the creativity imaginable, of what that would literally sound like if he were to speak it.
The Goldman State
Episode 94: It's Genius!
Please text me what you think of this episode. I would love to hear from you.
Einstein, yes. Wrinkle cream, uhhhhhh, not so much. I really do have something to say about it that I think you're going to find, well, brilliant.
Be sure to subscribe to my thrice weekly column, The Goldman State, by visiting the WEBSITE HERE. Thanks for listening.
00:00 - Ed Goldman (Host)
Hi, this is Ed Goldman with the Goldman State Podcast. Perhaps you've seen those clickbait ads offering helpful hints, like urging us to always have a bread package clip in our wallets, or to drink a cup of olive oil at bedtime. To learn that, quote, Costco shoppers say this wrinkle cream is actually worth it, unquote. Or to mix toothpaste and beer and quote just watch, unquote. I imagine the latter would produce something that smells like minty horse urine. But wait, there's more, as they like to say, like the timeless admonition that if you have quote crepe skin after 60, unquote. To quote stop moisturizing unquote. Or the chance to learn quote the worst mistakes $1 million plus investors make in a down market unquote. Now, I imagine that number one would be to buy anything that has to do with getting financial management advice from an online prompt. Anyway, the ads range from the innocuous to the inane, but most of them congratulate themselves by using the declaration it's genius. Now, genius is a word that pretty much lost credibility when, in just a few decades, it went from being used to describe mathematician Albert Einstein's unlocking a key mystery of physics to comedian Gallagher pulverizing a watermelon. Yet we almost always take the bait if the ads promise us a better or extended life. We even see the cautionary don't ever do this ads, such as the warning to not eat blueberries in the morning, as having value. My faves are the dueling genius ads. The first states these are the Rolls Royce of hearing aids, while a second one says forget hearing aids, this simple spray changes everything. Now I'm guessing that the spray consists of mace and is administered not to your own ears, but to the faces of people speaking too softly for you to hear them. Trust me, once they swallow some mace, you'll be able to hear them just fine. I'm spelling arg with three A's, by the way, and so sensing another opportunity to make some money without violating my lifetime work ethic to sit down as often as possible. I'd like to present five of my own timeless tips for a better, fuller, increasingly solvent life.
02:18
Number one always have these items in your purse, briefcase or fanny pack. It's genius A portable fax machine, a payday candy bar and a can of mace. The candy bar is just to keep you going. The can of mace is to spray on anyone making fun of your toting a fax machine in your purse, briefcase or fanny pack. The mace may also be used as a substitute for the Rolls Royce of hearing aids, should you want to better hear the person making fun of you? Number two if you must send $500,000 to an Arabian prince locked in a tower in Fallujah, remember this simple rule it's genius Always email monopoly money or crypto. Since the Arabian prince likely doesn't exist and you don't have a half million dollars on hand, why not deploy imaginary currency to effect his freedom? Number three remember this simple rule about fine dining If the menus have tassels, you're in a class joint. If the waitresses do, pay for the lap dances with cryptocurrency, it's genius.
03:17
Number four try this sleep-inducing aid at bedtime. Warm up a saucepan of Kahlua, add two tablespoons of NyQuil and a dram of crushed Ambien. We call it the Ness Quicken the Dead. Alternately, listen to a panel of news experts on CNN somberly discuss tariffs. You'll be out like a light. Number five this is the wrinkle cream the cosmetics industry doesn't want you to know about. Well, it does and it doesn't. On the one hand, its descriptor is completely honest Smooth some of this salve over your face at night and wake up with wrinkles. Now, that's truth in advertising. On the other hand, the cosmetics industry definitely wants you to know about this product, since once you use it, you'll rush to buy their actual product, which is anti-wrinkle cream. It's genius. I'm Ed Goldman. My column, the Goldman State, comes out every Monday, wednesday and Friday. You can subscribe for free at GoldmanStatecom. Thanks for listening.