The Goldman State
Ed Goldman is a longtime newspaper and magazine columnist, the author of five books and creator of The Goldman State, a three-times-a-week online column with subscribers in 40 states, Canada and Europe. A professional playwright, composer and painter, Ed has also taught journalism at five California Universities and community colleges. His bucket list includes becoming the victim of a corporate takeover. This podcast is an extension of his unique take on the world around us and his interpretation, with all the creativity imaginable, of what that would literally sound like if he were to speak it.
The Goldman State
Episode 95: New Agencies and Language to Memorize
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Rebranding our parks, monuments and beloved entities more correctly, per Trump at least, and the reshaping of our Constitution for a "grave new world" are both examined in this episode.
Be sure to subscribe to my thrice weekly column, The Goldman State, by visiting the WEBSITE HERE. Thanks for listening.
00:00 - Ed Goldman (Host)
Hi, this is Ed Goldman with the Goldman State Podcast, as the Trump administration continues its simultaneous supermarket sweep of government agencies, elimination of civil service jobs, roiling of the US economy, revival of stagflation, upending of human lives and the wholesale shredding of the US Constitution. I hope I didn't leave anything out. I thought it might be helpful to do some projecting of the "grave new world". I hope I didn't leave anything out. I thought it might be helpful to do some projecting of the grave new world awaiting us as a public service. I've broken these into two categories One consolidated and new government agencies, and two expected language changes. So let's start with number one consolidated and new government agencies. We have the Corporation for Cessation of Public Broadcasting, aka All Things Reconsidered. Here's another Voice of the Gulf of America. The international radio program Voice of America, which began broadcasting in February of 1942, will become a 24-7 podcast modeled on TV's the View. The hosts will be the deposed Duchess, meghan Markle, and the always composed First Lady, melania Trump. Discussions will focus on human rights, cycle of poverty, worldwide hunger, climate change and, of course, paris pedicures. Another new agency Health, human Services, fluoride and Vaccine Eradication. Visit our website, gotohealthcitizensgov and click on these awesome online features personally dictated by Robert F Kennedy Jr right after his morning ritual of gargling razor blades.
01:38
A Baked bear recipes. B Measles, schmeasles Is it contagious, or is it just acne? C why Crest toothpaste can't really be? Quote an effective decay-preventive dentifrice, because dentifrice isn't a real word, is it? D? Yes, I really am married to Cheryl Hines. And E no, she's neither blind nor deaf.
02:02
Here's another agency Transportation security, personal Groping and Luggage Looting. Oops, I'm sorry, this one already exists under the initials TSA. Here's a new one, valet, which stands for Venezuelan, ambiguously Legal Extradition Treatment. This bureau has been established to rid the country of anyone who has tattoos, except your daughter and her moody boyfriend Jaden, masterminded by cop fab Elon Musk that stands for co-president. For a bit, agents of valet will start hanging around any place mariachi music is piped in night classes in introductory Spanish and every US city whose name begins with the word San. There are 130 of these according to a list generated by AI, as was Elon Musk. Another agency New and Last Resorts. This division will oversee the maintenance of recently acquired or remodeled vacation getaways, including EPP Canada Maragaza, the Panama Route Canal, disney Greenland, yosemite, sam National Park and Lessend Volcano National Park. In addition, be sure to pack up the RV for family outings to these historic now-sponsored monuments Philadelphia's Liberty Mutual Bell, washington DC's Lincoln Chrysler Memorial and New York's famed Pfizer-Staten Island.
03:26
Now here are some expected language changes. Number one trans people will heretofore be referred to as boys and girls, even if they're in their 50s. That's how the White House will be able to identify and persecute them without resorting to armbands, which did okay on Third Reich ensembles but clashed with Burberry suits. Number two the pronoun our O-U-R is being eliminated from daily usage unless it refers to quote us unquote. If you use it to refer to yourself instead of saying me, let's just say this will not be your finest hour. Number three the following expressions are hereby banned from being used as punchlines for comedians and constitutional scholars A third term.
04:07
B stolen election. C third impeachment. D man of bronze. Number four the word warfare will always be preceded by the adjective judicial, replacing chemical, political and marital. Five. Meanwhile, the word judicious will be slightly tweaked to Jews did this and deployed when blaming Israeli strikes on innocent Hamas, hezbollah and Iranian civilians just because they were spotted temporarily holding hand grenades and machine guns so the rightful owners of them could use the gas station's bathroom. Republicans will be encouraged to not use Jews Did this in reference to a specific crucifixion. Until after we can assess the depth of the Hebrew-American vote in the midterms. I'm Ed Goldman. My column, the Goldman State, comes out every Monday, wednesday and Friday. You can subscribe for free at GoldmanStatecom. Thanks for listening.