The Goldman State
Ed Goldman is a longtime newspaper and magazine columnist, the author of five books and creator of The Goldman State, a three-times-a-week online column with subscribers in 40 states, Canada and Europe. A professional playwright, composer and painter, Ed has also taught journalism at five California Universities and community colleges. His bucket list includes becoming the victim of a corporate takeover. This podcast is an extension of his unique take on the world around us and his interpretation, with all the creativity imaginable, of what that would literally sound like if he were to speak it.
The Goldman State
Episode 99: Punishing the Envelope
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Where are my discount coupons for those things that are the inevitabilities? Like cremation, or fire insurance or adult diapers? Why aren't those envelopes showing up in the mailbox? I have some thoughts...
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00:00 - Ed Goldman (Host)
Hi, this is Ed Goldman with the Goldman State Podcast. Like many of you, I frequently receive envelopes in the mail promising a treasure trove of valuable coupons therein. These often pertain to pizza or gutter guards, both of which I'm in favor. Sometimes I'll discover discounts on my next car wash, on replacing all of my windows or shoring up my home's foundation. There'll also be vouchers for my next pedicure and for getting my air conditioner tuned up in time for the next heat wave something you can pretty much predict in Sacramento every summer. Heat waves are almost as reliable in California as fire season and the subsequent weaseling of home insurance companies. Oh, did you believe that by purchasing fire insurance from our company, we'd actually help you out in case of a fire? Did your imaginary friend tell you that? Still, snail mail discount coupons have kind of a retro appeal. They're not exactly precision targeted, as most online offers are thanks to metrics analytics and cyber snooping. Most online offers are thanks to metrics analytics and cyber snooping. As an example, why should someone like me be offered a low-cost pedicure, replacement windows or car wash when I can already save 100% on those by never getting them? In addition, making me an offer on a new roof is a waste of coupon paper, since everyone in my community all of whom receive the same envelopes have our roofs repaired by our homeowners association. You might say I'm suggesting that roofers can save on some overhead costs. I'd like to offer a few of my own ideas for discount coupons that I and many of my gradually easing away friends might find useful. 40% off your next burial no explanation needed here except to reassure you that, despite what that offer may sound like, 100% of your body will still be buried. We stand by our word.
01:56
Spring sale on now Colonoscopies, hysterectomies, tonsillectomies and over-the-counter liposuction. Call us by Thursday at noon and we'll throw in a DIY coronary bypass kit as supplies. Last Batteries not included. Two-for-one cremation coupons we're often told we have talent to burn here at Light my Fire Crematorium and Craft Shop. Judge for yourself. Come be Light my Fire's guest at our next scheduled cremation, to be followed by a reception with heavy past appetizers pardon our pun and a short PowerPoint presentation.
02:30
How to earn as you go Caution, not recommended for sensitive children or amateur arsonists Big savings on your next COVID cruise. Why wait to contract the 21st century's first pandemic when you're at a supermarket, indoor pickleball game or chamber of commerce mixer At COVID Cruises, where disease rhymes with seas. We've registered that trademark. We give you the choice of growing gravely ill on deck while watching others play shuffleboard, or in your private cabin, where our fabulous 24-hour shrimp buffet will be slipped under your door. Contact us now.
03:03
Note constrictions may apply. And finally, forget whole life. We're offering midlife insurance policies. No physical exams are required to qualify you for this great new product from State Farm's new division State Buy the Farm. You'll be asked a few simple questions such as A if Elon Musk dies, will that make Donald Trump the president? B if a mirror reverses you from left to right, why not from top to bottom? C where does your lap go when you stand up? Once approved, no salesman will call, especially after your home in the foothills burns to the ground. I'm Ed Goldman. My column, the Goldman State, comes out every Monday, wednesday and Friday. You can subscribe for free at GoldmanStatecom. Thanks for listening.