The Goldman State
Ed Goldman is a longtime newspaper and magazine columnist, the author of five books and creator of The Goldman State, a three-times-a-week online column with subscribers in 40 states, Canada and Europe. A professional playwright, composer and painter, Ed has also taught journalism at five California Universities and community colleges. His bucket list includes becoming the victim of a corporate takeover. This podcast is an extension of his unique take on the world around us and his interpretation, with all the creativity imaginable, of what that would literally sound like if he were to speak it.
The Goldman State
Episode 103: Zentitlements... the mindset of your title.
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What's on your card? Let's be sure not to judge by title. Nothing is permanent.
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00:00 - Ed Goldman (Host)
Hi, this is Ed Goldman with the Goldman State Podcast. The title of my last real job 1981-84, was so comically long that when given a proof of my business card for review, I added these words continued on next card. Now, this simultaneously cracked up and visibly vexed the guy who'd hired me as take a cleansing breath now, if you're hearing this the UC Davis Medical Center Assistant Director of Hospitals and Clinics, director of Community Affairs, chaplaincy Volunteer Program and Community Advisory Board. In a few months, fundraising and development would be added as part of my directorial duties and after just two and a half years my title would become unemployed. By then the guy who'd hired me had left, and I left the job by mutual consent with the new boss. The new boss said I want you to get the hell out of here, like right, this goddamn minute. And I said I consent.
00:56
Job titles are peculiar things, aren't they? When they're lofty, it seems they can't be lofty enough. President, slash chief executive officer, slash chairman of the board. Slash supreme commander of the universe. Slash the lord, thy god, slash principal modesty manager. In those rare cases when the title bearers are a bit humbler than that, they may simply opt for the terse but clear owner. They may hire people with all sorts of decorous titles to work for them, but there's something about the word owner that tends to slenderize the verbiage.
01:31
Some companies, startups in particular, like to carry out their self-annoyed admission as disruptors by giving out dumb titles meant to be dripping with irony, like person in charge of almost everything. That's the CEO Person who makes it all work. That's the COO Person who fixes everything. That's the chief technology officer and chief flotation device. That's the company's utility player who understands and can fill in at almost every position. I may have made that one up. These titles cause a lot of merriment within the company when they're all playing extreme ping-pong or gathering around the candy machine during a routine 18-hour shift, not to worry, plenty of cots and futons in the conference room. But when they go out to meet with venture capitalists, bankers and merger specialists, they find out pretty fast that the business shares neither their sense of irony nor preferred workplace attire of irony nor preferred workplace attire why a VC might ask himself or herself should I write a check for four million dollars to dweebs and flip-flops who, to make things worse, have no concept of pedicures?
02:33
A few decades ago, my late brother Stuart declared that the only job title he wanted was certified human being. As a gag gift, I had business cards printed for him that contained only his name and that title. The joke would have ended there until he was at an airport in South America preparing to leave the country, but had lost his driver's license. In that pre-TSA era, he used one of the cards I'd created for him as his ID and miraculously was cleared for takeoff. He acknowledged later that the young woman working at the desk had laughed out loud and possibly thought I was cute. This was a startling admission who tended towards self-deprecation as a way of life. To me, if the word interim precedes your job title, you may be dealing with someone in HR experiencing an existential crisis. Or maybe it goes higher up and is actually your employer's reminder that you're not only expendable but also begs the question who among us is not here on an interim basis? Tip, before consenting to an interview, you might want to Google your potential boss to find out if he or she is an amateur philosopher, major donor to a transcendental sect or a suspected mob assassin.
03:42
Now, as for your ardent correspondent, I have had many years of hearing myself introduced as a quote journalist, but kind of funny unquote quote. Satirical essayist unquote. And the death knell for any of us who actually attempt to make readers chuckle. Quote humorist unquote. This is akin to hearing someone describe you as quote quite a character or, much worse, a treasure. What I try to do is simply entertain. So in the unlikely event you'll ever need to categorize me, here's an easy descriptor I'm a sit-down comedian. I'm Ed Goldman. My column, the Goldman State, comes out every Monday, wednesday and Friday. You can subscribe for free at GoldmanStatecom. Thanks for listening.