The Goldman State
Ed Goldman is a longtime newspaper and magazine columnist, the author of five books and creator of The Goldman State, a three-times-a-week online column with subscribers in 40 states, Canada and Europe. A professional playwright, composer and painter, Ed has also taught journalism at five California Universities and community colleges. His bucket list includes becoming the victim of a corporate takeover. This podcast is an extension of his unique take on the world around us and his interpretation, with all the creativity imaginable, of what that would literally sound like if he were to speak it.
The Goldman State
Episode 115: Designate Everything, Not Just Designated Hitter.
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Why limit the luxury of substitutions to sports when every profession could benefit from a fresh-faced backup? Seriously, let's consider some options you may not have thought about. It's appropriate with the baseball season inching toward the world series, let's designate everything.
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00:11 - Ed Goldman (Host)
Hi, this is Ed Goldman with the Goldman State Podcast. With baseball's World Series mere months away, this might be a good time for the teams to start selecting and announcing their designated hitters and base runners. Relief pitchers, alternate umpires, standby hot dog vendors and ball boys in waiting. Did ever a professional sport have so many options for substitutions? So why can't this be an option for a greater variety of jobs and fields? Here are six. I'm thinking of.
00:41
Number one standby car wash washcloth wrangler. What happens when the usual person handling this assignment calls in sick or claims to be kidnapped? How much advance notice does the hardworking car wash crew boss need to replace the missing washcloth wrangler with a perhaps less trained but far more eager ingenue? Okay, kid. The crew boss might say to pep up the new kid. You may be going out there this afternoon as a slightly adenoidal acne festival, but you're coming back as a professional washcloth wrangler. Music up, fade to black. Okay.
01:15
Number two a DMV desk person. It's not like the Bureau keeps a pool of dyspeptic lazy misanthropes under contract in a secret location, ready to be deployed on a moment's notice when full-time dyspeptic lazy misanthropes stay home one morning because they ate something funny. Not even when they ate something funny every Monday morning, except for three-day holiday weekends, when they ate something funny on Tuesdays. But the DMV definitely should have substitutes on the bench. After a little theatrical training and lemon-sucking classes, voila enter the D team.
01:51
Number three surrogate city planner, public counter. Although this fill-in positions requires a candidate who can say no in several languages, the good news is that it sounds the same in French, spanish, italian, portuguese. The good news is that it sounds the same in French, spanish, italian, portuguese and English. Even so, before hiring someone, run a checklist to see if the developers and homeowners expected to come in to file for a setback room, addition or first-class hotel are from France, spain, mexico, italy, portugal, the British Isles or the United States of America. Chances are you'll be on solid footing. If not, here's how to say no in Lao bo, vietnamese kong or Russian nyet. For a complete pronunciation guide, please consult another podcast. This one is getting an earache.
02:37
Number four deputy EMT. Why should only fully trained paramedics get a chance to save your life when there are plenty of wannabe rescuers, tired of just rescuing stray pets and rehabilitating them as people's service animals? Now, granted, a deputy EMT might have a little difficulty getting with the jargon of the profession and think CPR stands for Capital Public Radio, or to defib someone means to take back a lie. But what job doesn't have a learning curve? I mean, albert Einstein wasn't already a brilliant physicist? While what job doesn't have a learning curve? I mean, albert Einstein wasn't already a brilliant physicist while being potty trained? Am I right?
03:16
Number five proxy plumber. Why can't a pipe dream be literally, that there must be hundreds of thousands of young men and women out there just dying to pull on a pair of butt-bearing work pants which plumbers were rocking long before aspiring hip-hop stars thought of it, and dying to go to work on your pesky faucet, leak, overflowing toilet and oddly colored hot tub? Why not have your regular plumber take the day off and send out one of these fresh young faces? Your regular plumber won't mind, since he or she will need to come out that night and repair the damage at triple overtime.
03:43
Number six auxiliary autocrat. This is the kind of work a swamped dictator might shunt off to a staffer, a staffer with a flair for issuing edicts, marching in parades and jackboots and throwing opponents out open windows. With the time he saves, that weary despot might just retire to his Black Sea second home kick back pop open a Putin light, tire to his Black Sea. Second home kick back pop open a Putin light and catch the designated announcers of the next World Series. I'm Ed Goldman. My column, the Goldman State, comes out every Monday, wednesday and Friday. You can subscribe for free at GoldmanStatecom. Thanks for listening.