The Goldman State
Ed Goldman is a longtime newspaper and magazine columnist, the author of five books and creator of The Goldman State, a three-times-a-week online column with subscribers in 40 states, Canada and Europe. A professional playwright, composer and painter, Ed has also taught journalism at five California Universities and community colleges. His bucket list includes becoming the victim of a corporate takeover. This podcast is an extension of his unique take on the world around us and his interpretation, with all the creativity imaginable, of what that would literally sound like if he were to speak it.
The Goldman State
Episode 121: This Message is Urgent. I Left It 14 Seconds Ago.
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Please text me what you think of this episode. I would love to hear from you.
Instant Replies and Spontaneous Excuses. That could just as well have been the title too. What has technology done to the art of a well thought out voice mail message? Is it urgent?
Thanks for listening the the podcast and be sure to subscribe to my thrice weekly column, The Goldman State, by visiting the WEBSITE HERE. Thanks for listening.
00:00 - Ed Goldman (Host)
Hi, this is Ed Goldman with the Goldman State Podcast. When you see how long it takes people to answer the phone, you know you're watching an old movie. It can be ringing in the next room as they arrive at their apartment and it'll keep on ringing until they set down their grocery bags, if it's a slice-of-life domestic life film, or still smoking revolvers. If it's a gangster flick, they'll walk into the next room, approach the phone and finally pick up the receiver. All of this while you, the viewer, are shouting at them to animate their heinies, shouting encouraging comments such as are you effing deaf and answer the effing phone already. I'm always surprised the caller in those movies doesn't just hang up and that the person who finally takes the call in slow-mo doesn't apologize or even acknowledge that in the time it took him or her to say hello in a domestic film or yeah, in a gangster flick the caller could have undergone minor surgery at a walk-in clinic or at least had time to fill out the pre-op forms. About those forms, do you think a question on them about why you've come to the clinic today is a bit obtuse? If you've shown up carrying one of your limbs in a freezer bag, the long-ringing phone is no more, of course, just like the rotary dial.
01:15
Its demise probably started with those tape-recorded answering machines which allowed you to monitor a call as it came in and decide if you deign to accept it or just giggle at the message leaver's awkwardness. Oh hi, it's me. It's about, I don't know, like 743 or something. Just call me when you can. No biggie, I think my girlfriend is secretly dating some Pacific Northwest dude named Sasquatch and I thought maybe we should talk. You know, even when voice messaging became electronic and all you'd hear at your end was the phone ringing, when you'd play back the message you'd still hear the person shout look, I know you're there, pick up, damn it. For the past several years we've also had caller ID, a wonderful invention that allows us to decide whether to answer the call as it's coming in, even before the caller leaves an awkward message. And when we don't answer right away, the caller may simply hang up, which I guess is understandable, given that our voicemails will kick in after only a ring or two, and if we're on another call, the time may begin without ringing at all. The sheer velocity of our communication devices has intimidated many of us into thinking we have to be as cyber-speedy as they are In work situations.
02:25
More than once I've had interviewees, clients or editors utter some version of this plaint. Why haven't you responded to the email? Slash text, slash phone call, slash IM? I just sent you? How can you answer that honestly? Here's three ways.
02:41
Number one sorry, I actually didn't see it. I was involved in a five car collision when you tried to reach me and what with the flames, twisted metal, ambulance sirens and yelling paramedics distracting me, as well as my severe but apparently non-life-threatening injuries, as well as my smartphone being burned to a crisp, I couldn't get back to you sooner. My bad. Number two yes, I saw your messages. My, you left a lot of them in such a short time.
03:12
However, when I remembered why you were trying to reach me, I realized I'd first need to take several deep breaths or pop an Ativan or have a cocktail, or most likely all three. And finally, the third one sorry, I missed your calls. My cat ate my iPhone, anything. That can't wait. Anyway. Coincidentally, my cell phone is silently ringing right now as I sit in the studio of Hear Me Now Productions. It's from someone who calls me ten times a day, named Possible Spam. I'm not going to answer it, and I so miss having a cat right about now. I'm Ed Goldman. My column, the Goldman State, comes out every Monday, wednesday and Friday. You can subscribe for free at GoldmanStatecom, thanks.