Shame Stories - Episode 26

Shame stories:

I should have known this about my child already.
I should have stood up for my child with ward leaders.
I should have taught my child better to respect ward leaders.
I should have confronted my child about their behavior or belief.
I should not have confronted my child about their behavior or belief.
I should have handled my child’s situation the way my neighbor handled theirs.
I should have listened better when my child told me about their changing faith.
I should have taught my child better so their faith would be stronger.

In one way or another, all of these stories boil down to the idea that “I am a bad mom. Things would be better if I had done it differently.”

Better stories:

“I’m so glad I know more about my child now. It helps me understand them better so I can be more supportive while they figure out how they want to live their life.”

“I wish I had been a better advocate for my child in the past. I can make a list of ways I can advocate for them now, and how I can be an influence for good for people in similar situations.”

“I choose to believe people mean well and are doing the best that they can. I am going to offer that grace to my leaders as I decide how best to interact with them. I am also going to offer that grace to my children.”

“My child gets to choose their beliefs.”

“I can decide when it’s appropriate to share my view.”

“Every situation is unique. I can learn from others and decide what’s best for my relationships.”

“I did the best I could at the time. When we know better, we do better. I am learning to listen better.”

“I taught my child as best I could. They were always meant to make their own choices.”

Can you hear how these stories have more compassion? They don’t ignore accountability. They also don’t ignore grace and growth. Learn how to tell yourself better stories.

Jesus loves me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m trying to be like Jesus.

You found me! If what you heard on the No Empty Chairs podcast gives you hope for more help, please schedule a free Conversation with Candice. You can also visit candiceclarkcoaching.com for more information about how coaching tools can help you keep your relationship with your children and your faith. While you're there, be sure to pull up a chair and sign up with your email to be the first to know about news and events for moms whose kids don't come to church.

It's going to be okay, and even better!

Transcript

Welcome to the podcast today! I want to talk about certain kinds of stories we tell ourselves that keep us stuck. They keep us stuck emotionally in a cycle of reinforcing negative emotion, and that impacts how we show up in our relationships. These stories make it harder for us to be open and welcoming to other people, and in some cases it’s hardest of all with our children because of our expectations for ourselves and for them. 

The stories I’m talking about are on a continuum. At one end of the continuum is shame, where everything is our fault because we are not good enough. And at the other end of the continuum is blame, where everything is someone else’s fault because they are not good enough. They’re two sides of the same coin, a belief system where someone is “doing it wrong” because “something is wrong with them” and therefore “something has gone wrong.” Wrong, wrong, wrong. It’s a painful way of interacting with humanity, with our own humanity and with other human beings who are doing the best they can. You might think of it as a form of black and white thinking. When we’re in shame we lack self-acceptance. When we’re in blame we lack self-awareness.

What is the alternative? The alternative to shame is to move toward the middle of the continuum. In the middle of the continuum we let go of the idea that we should have done everything right. We let go of the idea that the goal is to control other people. We let go of the idea that there is something wrong with us when things don’t turn out as we expect. We have more compassion for our past selves. We have more compassion for the people around us who aren’t doing what we had hoped they would.

In the middle of the continuum, away from shame and blame, we find kindness and accountability. The middle is where the truth lies. The middle is the most trusting, loving and peaceful. The middle is where a higher belief system lives and motivates us to grow.

As parents of kids who don’t come to church, we can swing between shame and blame, and that’s exhausting. So today I want to share some shame stories that we might be telling ourselves. I want you to be able to identify them for what they are–stories that are creating a painful experience for you. 

You don’t even have to try to change the story right away. Just noticing that it’s a story your brain is telling you will provide a little relief because you will feel more in control. You don’t need to start blaming yourself for telling shame stories. We’ll talk more about blame on the next episode. There are good reasons that your brain is telling these stories, but they ARE just stories, and you can shift them when you’re ready to do that.

Okay, so what are some of the shame stories I hear parents tell themselves?

I should have known this about my child already.
I should have stood up for my child with ward leaders.
I should have taught my child better to respect ward leaders.
I should have confronted my child about their behavior or belief.
I should not have confronted my child about their behavior or belief.
I should have handled my child’s situation the way my neighbor handled theirs.
I should have listened better when my child told me about their changing faith.
I should have taught my child better so their faith would be stronger.

In one way or another, all of these stories boil down to the idea that “I am a bad mom. Things would be better if I had done it differently.”

But would they? If you had done everything perfectly, would that negate influences outside of you and the fundamental principal of agency?

Should you have known about your child sooner? Maybe. Could you have known? Again, maybe. Does it make you a better mom now to churn in self-judgment that you didn’t? Definitely not.

Should you have stood up for your child at church? Maybe. Maybe that’s the mom you want to be, the mom who has hard conversations with leaders. The mom who is willing to speak up, whether or not you get your desired outcome. But would it have made a difference, with the ward leaders or with your child? We don’t know. And unless you have a time machine to go back and have a do-over, it isn’t useful to marinate in regret and shame about it.

Should you have taught your child better respect for their church leaders? Maybe. Chances are good you could have been a better example of this, because you’re human like everyone else. And also we don’t know if it would have made a difference in their experience at church.

In all of these scenarios, we don’t know what would have happened if you had done it differently. We do have the option to do things differently NOW. Do you want to do things differently now? Great! Just make sure you’re doing things differently because you’re growing into the person you want to become. There’s a whole different energy if you’re doing things differently to try to prove your value as a human being and as a parent, or to control other people to do what you want them to do.

You are already 100% valuable. I want you to get to confidence in your own value, and confidence in your children’s value, right here and right now. Let go of the false humility that you’re not as good as some people, that there’s anyone you need to envy.

How do you do that?
Practice self-love. Here’s an example of what that looks like for me. Recently I had a challenging situation where there were a number of points of view. I was trying to achieve a specific outcome, and I was dealing with insufficient information and several different people. In my efforts to get more information and to explain my own position, I sent some text messages and emails that I later realized were unnecessary and I wished I hadn’t sent them. I didn’t make that mean that I was fundamentally flawed. I felt embarrassed, and I allowed myself to feel embarrassed. And I love me anyway, even when I do things that make me feel embarrassed later. That doesn’t mean I need to be ashamed of myself. I can have compassion for the time pressure I was under that urged me to act before my emotions were truly settled. 

It’s going to be okay. I know this because I decided that I would be kind to myself, no matter what. I decided that it’s okay for me to make mistakes. We’re here on earth to learn how to walk by falling down and getting back up, building our muscles. And then we learn to run and skip and dance and whatever movement comes next for us through practice and trial and error. It isn’t shameful; it’s mortality operating as designed.

I am not pretending those were great text messages and emails to send. I am also not believing that I am worthless because I sent them. You can choose something different.

But if you’re feeling shame, that’s okay, too. Talk to your shame. Make friends with it. Invite it in for a cup of herbal tea.

Or talk to yourself when you’re feeling shame. We don’t have to wait for some condition to occur to love ourselves. We can do it right now, even when we notice we’re feeling shame. “Oof. I notice you’re feeling shame right now because you think you should have handled this differently. Shame is uncomfortable. And we can feel it. It isn’t as bad as it seems at first. It won’t last forever. And I love you anyway. Go ahead and feel that shame. You’re safe with me, even when you feel shame. You’re feeling shame right now, and I love you anyway.”

Feel whatever you’re feeling in the moment, and love yourself anyway. And then work on telling yourself better stories. Stop telling yourself poisonous stories that there is something wrong with you because things have not worked out the way you hoped. Sometimes we do a bunch of things we might call  “wrong” and things still work out. Sometimes we do most things what we might call “right” and things still DON’T work out in the short run. We don’t control the universe. We don’t control our children. But we do control ourselves. When our brain offers us a story about ourselves that lacks compassion, we can question it. We can answer it back with a better story. Stories like,

“I’m so glad I know more about my child now. It helps me understand them better so I can be more supportive while they figure out how they want to live their life.”

“I wish I had been a better advocate for my child in the past. I can make a list of ways I can advocate for them now, and how I can be an influence for good for people in similar situations.”

“I choose to believe people mean well and are doing the best that they can. I am going to offer that grace to my leaders as I decide how best to interact with them. I am also going to offer that grace to my children.”

“My child gets to choose their beliefs.”

“I can decide when it’s appropriate to share my view.”

“Every situation is unique. I can learn from others and decide what’s best for my relationships.”

“I did the best I could at the time. When we know better, we do better. I am learning to listen better.”

“I taught my child as best I could. They were always meant to make their own choices.”

Can you hear how these stories have more compassion? They don’t ignore accountability. They also don’t ignore grace and growth. Learn how to tell yourself better stories.

That will take some practice. Here’s something you can do right now. You can do it every day, several times a day. Maybe you want to make a habit of doing it whenever you brush your teeth or wash your hands. The first chance you get, please go look yourself in the mirror, smile, and say, “I love you and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Jesus loves me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m trying to be like Jesus.

Remember, there are no empty chairs.