What Makes a Good Mom - Episode 29

How do you define success as a parent? Is it about who you are and what you do, or does your sense of value depend on your kids?

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Transcript

Welcome to No Empty Chairs today! I am glad you’re here. Today I am going to talk about What makes a good mom?

I keep seeing and hearing definitions of parenthood that seem innocuous and even lovely on a superficial level, but underneath, some of them are potentially harmful in their definition of success. Today I want to talk about why it’s important that you define your success as a parent for yourself, and that you make sure your definition has nothing to do with your kids, especially the adult ones. Some of the definitions of success that I hear are damaging, and not just to parents whose kids are not toeing the line. We can create expectations in our minds that strain honesty in relationships and keep people from seeking or providing needed support.

I come from a long line of members of The Church ofJesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and all of my siblings and their spouses currently participate at church. At family reunions over the years my dad would often comment on his gratitude for all of his married children having married in the temple and that we were raising our children in the gospel. He didn’t take credit for that. On the contrary, he said he didn’t understand why he was so blessed when he saw so many other families having a different experience. For many years, this all seemed fine to me, but as my own marriage became increasingly difficult, it was hard to consider disappointing my dad on top of the challenges inherent in my situation, about which he had very little information. As I considered leaving my marriage, among so many emotions I experienced, it also felt like I was about to make my dad less blessed because of the way he had defined that over the years. When I made the decision to leave my marriage, my family was incredibly supportive, but this historical celebration of our marriages at every family reunion for years was a hurdle I had to overcome before I could share more of my life with my siblings and parents. No one wants to be the one who ruins the family picture.

Sometimes we hear these kinds of celebratory messages in General Conference, too. I remember as a child hearing my mom talk about how she struggled with the talks about someone’s “angel mother.” It felt like a standard she could never live up to, until she realized that the speaker was sharing a fond remembrance that was through somewhat rose-colored glasses that only told part of the story–the pleasant part the speaker was choosing to focus on. Choosing to focus on love and appreciation for the mother you have is a healthy thing to do, but there can be a cost when we don’t have the whole picture.

I remember a particular story Pr. Nelson told after his daughter died of cancer at age 67. He said,


“As many of you know, our family experienced a tender separation … when our daughter Wendy departed from this mortal life. In the final days of her battle with cancer, I was blessed with the opportunity to have our farewell daddy-daughter conversation.

I held her hands and told her how much I loved her and how grateful I was to be her father. I said: “You married in the temple and faithfully honored your covenants. You and your husband welcomed seven children into your home and raised them to be devout disciples of Jesus Christ, valiant Church members, and contributing citizens. And they have chosen spouses of that same caliber. Your daddy is very, very proud of you. You have brought me much joy!”

This is a lovely and tender moment between a loving father and his daughter. And given the particulars of her life, it sounds like it was meaningful to her–and to him. That is all well and good, but I wonder whether sharing this kind of story in General Conference suggests that temple, children, and church are the only ways to bring a parent joy–that, generally, our children’s behavior is the measure of our lives. And that loving them and being grateful to be their parent is conditioned on these things.

This is a common sentiment. I’ve also heard fathers express that the measure of their success is the way their son parents their grandchild. I am all for improved parenting whenever we can find it, and if watching his father become a better father over time helped the son be a better father sooner, that’s amazing.

I just don’t believe that the measure of my life is my temple marriage or the lives of my children. Of course I have had an influence on my children. Sometimes it has been for their benefit, and sometimes I’ve had a negative impact on them. But what my adult children choose for themselves now is not the measure of my success as a parent. And their level of obedience in my home when they were younger was also not the measure of my success as a parent. Think about our Heavenly Parents and whether those things apply to all of Their children.

Your success as a parent is not how many children you had. It is not whether they consider themselves disciples of Jesus Christ. It is not whether they are members of the Church, valiant or otherwise. It is not even whether they are contributing citizens. It is certainly not the spouses they have chosen. Even if none of these things is the case for you, our Heavenly Parents are still very, very proud of you. You still bring them much joy.

So how do I measure my success as a parent? 

For myself, I have decided that if I am increasing my capacity to love my children exactly as they are, then I am a good parent. If I am engaging in the work of repair when I cause harm, intentional or not, then I am a good parent. If I show humility and a willingness to grow, then I am a good parent. I’m responsible for my behavior in my relationships with my children, and I don’t want to make them responsible for my success or failure. I’m going to get it wrong, still, but if I am willing to self-confront and take ownership for my part of things, then I am a good parent.

I put a lot of pressure on my kids when they were younger, and part of that came from defining my success as a mother by my children’s outcomes. For example, I thought I was a good mother if I got everyone to practice for their Suzuki violin and piano lessons every day. And actually, that isn’t quite right. That one thing wasn’t enough, at the time, to make me believe I was a good mom, but if it didn’t happen, I definitely believed I had failed. Defining motherhood by getting my children to practice may sound noble on the surface, it’s a great thing to work on. But defining my value by that? What happens when someone doesn’t practice? At that point, I’ve put my success and my identity in the hands of a child who has their own development to tend to and shouldn’t be responsible for making me, their mother, feel worthwhile.

Maybe for you it wasn’t music lessons, but earning the Young Womanhood Recognition or Eagle Scout Award, or going to young women camp or FSY, or doing some particular project, getting good grades, keeping their room clean. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with encouraging those things. I am saying that it matters why we’re encouraging those things, and sometimes as parents it is about protecting our own self-concept as a good parent.

So I think about it differently now. My success is in my own hands. Am I loving my children well where they are right now? Am I proud of them? Do I receive the joy they offer me? That’s successful parenting for me, and it doesn’t depend on them. You can be a good parent of kids who don’t come to church.

Remember, there are no empty chairs.