Self-Confrontation or Over-Responsibility? - Episode 34

Learn more about self-confrontation: https://www.finlayson-fife.com/podcasts/conversations-with-dr-jennifer/post/3-ways-become-better-partner

Matthew 7:3-5
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy [child’s] eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4 Or how wilt thou say to thy [child], Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy [child’s] eye.

https://www.facebook.com/finlaysonfife/posts/every-time-you-defend-yourself-or-minimize-some-way-in-which-youve-hurt-your-spo/818514040322931/

Some questions to ask yourself:

• What is my part in this?
• What is hard about dealing with me on this issue?
• What am I not seeing?

Learn more about over-responsibility: https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/over-responsibility-the-spin/ (NOTE: Kara Lowentheil is a brilliant and insightful master coach who may have language practices that differ from yours, including in the name of her podcast.)

Elder Shayne Bowen: “A central part of our Father’s plan was that we would be free to choose. This gift is called agency, the power to choose. The companion of agency is always accountability. We are individually responsible for the choices we make.”

"No other success can compensate for failure in the home."

Some questions to ask yourself:

• What can I actually control here?
• Why do I sometimes act like I can control things that are out of my control?
• Do I want to keep doing that?
• Why don’t I want them to see it differently than I see it?
  
  

You found me! If what you heard on the No Empty Chairs podcast gives you hope for more help, please schedule a free Conversation with Candice. You can also visit candiceclarkcoaching.com for more information about how coaching tools can help you keep your relationship with your children and your faith. While you're there, be sure to pull up a chair and sign up with your email to be the first to know about news and events for moms whose kids don't come to church.

It's going to be okay, and even better!

Transcript

Welcome to No Empty Chairs, everyone! Today I’m thinking about the difference between self-confrontation and over-responsibility. First, let me explain what those terms mean.

Self-confrontation is the ability and willingness to look for and see your part in a relationship dynamic, to investigate your blindspots when someone gives you the gift of pointing them out. And, whether the other person intends it or not, it is a gift to be shown the places we have to grow. That’s when we have the opportunity to do things differently, if we’re willing to self-confront and own our part, no matter how big or small it is. And I find that sometimes my part is bigger than I thought at first.

This self-confrontation might also be called self-responsibility, and it’s quite different from over-responsibility, which I will talk about in a moment.

These familiar verses from Matthew 7 underscore the importance of developing the skill of self-confrontation or self-responsibility. I’m going to paraphrase them as if Jesus were addressing me as a mom whose kids don’t come to church:

3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy [child’s] eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

4 Or how wilt thou say to thy [child], Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy [child’s] eye.

Too often, my “suggestions” to my children have come from a place of fear and self-protection, rather than from a place of genuine love and confidence. So, how do you know if there’s something in yourself you need to take responsibility for?

Here are a few questions I like to ask myself:
What is my part in this?
What is hard about dealing with me on this issue?
What am I not seeing?
If I’m feeling really brave and willing to listen without defending myself, I might ask my child to help me answer these questions.

Particularly with adult children, I often find I want to tell them what they should be doing differently because I feel insecure or some other negative emotion. I am thinking about their choices as a reflection on me or a judgment on my parenting, rather than an expression of their agency and part of their own path of growth. And so often it comes down to an opportunity for me to clear my own vision so I can behold them and love them better, exactly as they are right now. If I can stop focusing on what may be wrong with my kids, I can focus instead on what I have to learn to become more like Jesus and my Heavenly Parents, and then I see all of us more clearly.

We come by this impulse to think we need to do something about our children’s choices honestly. We’ve been taught it in so many ways throughout our lives. And recently someone named the phenomenon for me: it’s “over-responsibility.”

There are a lot of forces in society telling women that our worth is conditional. We are good moms if our kids excel in music, if we show up at all their sporting events, if our houses are clean, if our family is on time to church, if our children even come to church. And we have to be good moms to be worth anything as people.

These all sound like great things on the surface. They’re worthwhile goals. Nothing wrong with having kids who excel in music, being at your kids’ games, cleaning your house, being on time to church as a family, or just being at church with your kids. It’s great to want to be a good mom. The problem comes in when we hang our worth on these things that are not within our control, when we decide we can only be nice to ourselves if we meet these external expectations. Even more so as moms, we’re told in so many ways that we’re responsible for everything. How many times have you heard in Relief Society, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”?

If we make a parenting mistake, we leap to the conclusion that our children will never recover, their life is ruined, and it will be all our fault. Just last Sunday the RS teacher in my ward talked about how she worried her kids would need therapy because of how she was managing the stress of her husband’s demanding training program. We do this often. We decide that, if they don’t love church the way we love church, we must have done something wrong. Listen, chances are good–approaching 100%--that you did something wrong, especially in your parenting. And while it’s important to self-confront and own our part, it’s also important to remember that there is grace for that, too. God can consecrate anything to our good, and to our children’s good. 

Self-responsibility does not mean believing we’re responsible for things we’re only a small part of. It’s like a doctor believing she’s responsible for her patient’s entire health outcome, even though genetics, environment, the patient’s desires and adherence to treatment, other medical providers, and even the entire culture have an influence. We are only one part of our children’s experience, and we have done our best. Spinning out in overwhelm and helplessness, or at the other extreme, trying to control our children’s choices, will not help us and will not help our children.

Whether you’re frozen, not knowing how to move forward, or exhausted trying to fix everything by overfunctioning and doing more than your part, at the root of these feelings and behaviors is over-responsibility, this idea you have that it’s your job to make everything happen and make everything right for everyone around you, especially your kids.

Here’s the good news: you are only responsible for yourself. 

Elder Shayne Bowen said this: “A central part of our Father’s plan was that we would be free to choose. This gift is called agency, the power to choose. The companion of agency is always accountability. We are individually responsible for the choices we make.”

So how do I know when I have wandered from self-confrontation to over-responsibility? Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
What can I actually control here?
Why do I sometimes act like I can control things that are out of my control? Do I want to keep doing that?
Why don’t I want them to see it differently than I see it?

When we realize that we are only responsible for ourselves, it makes it easier to self-confront and take responsibility for ourselves. We no longer have to be defensive or dismissive to prove that we’re better than we are. We can let the truth matter more than our ego. We can be trustworthy for our kids, acknowledging the ways we have hurt them, letting them know we have grown and are willing to keep growing, no matter how painful that might be, because when our self-worth doesn’t depend on maintaining a certain image, it’s safe to make mistakes. Mistakes are exactly what grace is made for–our mistakes and our children’s mistakes. Just don’t confuse the two.

Remember, there are no empty chairs.