Focus - Episode 36

When you can't quite change that stubborn thought, you can always change your focus.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2024/10/24kearon?lang=eng

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Transcript

Welcome to the podcast today! I hope you’re well. I appreciate your being here. I am recovering from illness so my voice may sound a little different than usual. Today I’m going to talk about focus. Sometimes I come on here and talk about changing our thoughts. That’s a useful tool and sometimes it’s the tool we want to use. But it can be effortful, and there are times when we just can’t get there. We don’t believe the new thought we’re trying to think, or we’re just really attached to the old one because it is so familiar to our brain.

This is where focus can come to the rescue. Did you know that you don’t have to decide something is not true in order to stop focusing on it? It’s true. All thoughts are available to you. They’re up for grabs. And in any given moment, you can simply redirect your attention.

With focus, you don’t have to decide whether something is true or not. You can simply decide not to focus on it. Even if you believe that someone doesn’t mean well, and even if you’re right about that and it’s true, you don’t have to focus on that. You can focus on whatever brings you closer to Jesus. That doesn’t mean you have to decide someone is right about something you don’t believe; it just means that you keep your heart soft so you can find what there is for you in whatever they said, even if it’s only one sentence. Even if it isn’t actually what they say at all, but the way it makes you contemplate what you DO believe about God or about your children, or about the person who is talking to you.

Sometimes with our kids who don’t come to church, we have all kinds of thoughts about how they have “abandoned the covenant path.” First of all, that’s a really dramatic way of thinking about people who are making different choices. I have offered many times before that we can choose to think something like “this is their path.” “Nothing has gone wrong” is a thought that serves me well, but maybe there are times we just can’t get there. We don’t believe that.

If “this is their path” is not believable, or if it carries a lot of heaviness for you, you can simply change your focus. You might find yourself worried and ruminating about something going on with your adult child and decide to think “This is not my business.” Byron Katie talks about 3 kinds of business: my business, other people’s business, and God’s business. The religious journey of adult children is squarely in the “other people’s business” and “God’s business” categories.

Or if you can’t stop believing that your children have left the covenant path, you could redirect your brain from the past and present to the future where they find their way back to the path. You can decide to focus on the faith-filled belief that they will come back. Just don’t wait until they do before you love them.

If you find yourself falling into self-blame, thinking you should have been a better mother, you can focus on the reality that there could be a lot of factors in someone’s faith journey. Don’t make the mistake of making it about you. As you continue to grow as a person and as a parent, cultivate your belief that it’s enough. You are doing enough. You can even decide to think “I don’t have to worry about this.” Just remind yourself you don’t have to worry and move on with the next part of your day. 

I’m not talking about distracting yourself from clean pain to avoid feeling unpleasant emotions. I’m talking about redirecting yourself away from thoughts that create unnecessary additional suffering and make you feel out of control in your own life. Do what you want to do to communicate love, but be careful if you feel urgency. Urgency often means we’re trying to get control. Remember to focus on your business, not your children’s business or God’s business. Your job is to show up as a loving disciple of Jesus Christ full of faith that things will work out. You will figure out how to do that. And our kids will figure out how to live their own lives in the best way for their own growth and progression.

Sometimes we let our brains roam wild. We almost automatically think, “This is the way it is. It’s out of my control, and it’s bad.” What I’m offering you today is that you don’t have to do that. You can tame your wild brain. You can redirect your focus. When you catch yourself, you can tell your brain, “We’re not doing that today” and move to something more useful for you.

This morning before I recorded this podcast episode, I listened to Patrick Kearon’s talk, “Welcome to the Church of Joy.” It’s such a beautiful testimony of the Savior, Jesus Christ! I’m going to read a couple of paragraphs about the sacrament and I want you to think about what Elder Kearon is teaching us about our focus, especially with respect to our kids who don’t come to church. He says,

“We may have been conditioned to suppose that the purpose of the sacrament is to sit in the pew thinking only about all the ways we messed up during the week before [or throughout our children’s lives]. But let’s turn that practice on its head. In the stillness, we can ponder the many ways we have seen the Lord relentlessly pursue us with His wonderful love that week! We can reflect on what it means to “discover the joy of daily repentance.” We can give thanks for the times the Saviour entered into our struggles and our triumphs and the occasions when we felt His grace, forgiveness, and power giving us strength to overcome our hardships and bear our burdens with patience and even good cheer.”

Our human brains have a negativity bias. They scan for what’s wrong around us so they can keep us alive. But if we want to experience joy, we have to reset our focus to what is going right. We can decide to believe that the universe is conspiring in our favor. If you assume that’s true, then what would you see?

Sometimes we think things would be better if things were different than they are right now. Things would be better if our kids came to church. Things would be better if our kids came to our house. Things would be better if going to church without them weren’t so hard. Things would be better if the Savior were with us.

And at any moment, we can remember that the Savior IS with us. That’s what the sacrament prayer is about, that we do always remember Him that we may have His spirit to be with us. And in the moment of remembering, all the times we forgot no longer matter.

Elder Kearon mentions the particular challenge young parents face with experiencing reverence during sacrament meeting. He says,

“Now, for parents of children who are young or have special needs, there is often no such thing as a time of stillness and quiet reflection during the sacrament. But in small moments throughout the week, you can teach by example the love, gratitude, and joy you feel for and from the Saviour as you constantly care for His little lambs.”

My dear parents of adult children, let me read you that last sentence again. It has universal application. “In small moments throughout the week, you can teach by example the love, gratitude, and joy you feel for and from the Saviour as you constantly care for His little lambs.”
It’s our example, not our preaching, that matters. If we can focus on our own discipleship and let go of trying to interfere with our children’s agency, we will see God’s hand in our lives, and in theirs. When my brain chimes in with ruminating, judgmental thoughts about whether someone should have said what they said, I can tell it, “Not today. We’re not doing that today,” and refocus my attention on becoming more like Jesus. I can remember our common humanity and choose to believe that people are doing their best. 

Elder Kearon goes on to say, “This is an invitation to receive the Saviour’s gift of peace, light, and joy—to revel in it, to wonder at it, and to rejoice in it.”

There is no escaping the human experience. It includes unpleasant emotions. But we need not wallow in a “gulf of misery and endless wo.” (Helaman 5:12) We have the power to change our focus.

Remember, there are no empty chairs.