Maybe, We'll See - Episode 37

This is terrible! Maybe, we'll see. This is amazing! Maybe, we'll see. In the face of uncertainty, we can decide what we want to believe about the future.

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It's going to be okay, and even better!

Transcript

Welcome to No Empty Chairs today! I’m going to talk about uncertainty–about not knowing and choosing to believe anyway.

There’s a Taoist proverb that I heard again recently. You can find various versions of it on the internet. It goes something like this:

A long time ago, a poor Chinese farmer lost a horse, and all the neighbors came around and said, “well that’s too bad. What bad luck!” But the farmer only said, “maybe. We’ll see.” Shortly after, the horse returned bringing another horse with him, and all the neighbors came around and said, “well that’s good fortune. How wonderful!” to which the farmer replied, “maybe. We’ll see.” The next day, the farmer’s son was trying to tame the new horse and fell, breaking his leg. All the neighbors came around and said, “well that’s too bad. What terrible luck you have!” and the farmer replied, “maybe. We’ll see.” Shortly after, the emperor declared war on a neighboring nation and ordered all able-bodied men to come fight—many died or were badly maimed, but the farmer’s son was unable to fight and spared due to his injury. And all the neighbors came around and said, “well that’s good fortune. What wonderful news!” to which the farmer replied, “maybe. We’ll see.” And so the story goes.

Think about the graph of the neighbors’ emotional experience compared to the graph of the farmer’s emotional experience, how high up and how high down each one goes. The neighbors thought things were either terrible or amazing, all the time, and they weren’t even focused on their own experience. Their graph had a large amplitude, big swings from top to bottom and back again. The farmer, on the other hand, had a smoother emotional experience, even though these things were all happening to him and his family. The difference is what they each made the experience mean. It’s like the neighbors were on a giant roller coaster that was out of their control–rising up to high levels of luck and then plummeting toward disaster–while the farmer was driving himself over a metaphorical road with some gentle rolling hills. He held a philosophical perspective that seems to believe things will always change and that taking them as they come is the option he chose. They neighbors seemed to think the farmer’s experiences said something about him. The farmer seemed to think his experiences were simply a part of life.

We’re all humans, not robots, so we’re going to have emotions because of our thoughts about our experiences. We have a lot of power to choose those thoughts, or at the very least to bring them into our conscious awareness. So when your child tells you they aren’t going to church anymore, what do you want to think? Do you want to think, “well, that’s too bad?” Do you want to think, “this is a disaster and your eternal salvation is now at risk?” Or do you want to think, “maybe. We’ll see?”

How do you feel when you think, “well, that’s too bad?” You might feel disappointed. You might feel sad. Don’t let me put words in your mouth, or emotions in your body. Think about how you really feel when you think, “well, that’s too bad?” When you feel like that, what do you do? What don’t you do? It’s okay to feel disappointed. It’s okay to feel sad, or however you feel. When you think about how you act when you feel that way, consider the impact that might have on your relationship with your children if your primary fuel is disappointment and sadness.

How do you feel when you think, “this is a disaster and your eternal salvation is now at risk?” You might feel worried and afraid. You might feel angry. When you feel like that, what do you do? What don’t you do? It’s okay to feel worried. It’s okay to feel afraid. When you think about how you act when you feel that way, consider the impact that might have on your relationship with your children if your primary fuel is worry, fear, and anger.

Now, I don’t want you to think I am labeling emotions as good or bad. There are times we want to be afraid. There are times we want to be angry. These emotions can signal that something is wrong and prepare our bodies to respond to danger. It’s just that our minds and bodies produce these emotions even when we aren’t actually in danger. A child not going to church is not an actual threat. It’s human to experience some negative emotion. Life is 50/50, half amazing, half a mess. There is opposition in all things. But sometimes we layer on additional, unnecessary suffering by creating worry, fear, and anger with our thoughts. I’m here to tell you that worry is never necessary or useful. You can do whatever parenting you want to do from a place of peace.

So, how do you feel when you think, “maybe. We’ll see?” You might feel hopeful. You might feel peaceful. When you feel like that, what do you do? What don’t you do? It’s okay to feel hopeful. It’s okay to feel peaceful. When you think about how you act when you feel that way, consider the impact that might have on your relationship with your children if your primary fuel is hope and peace.

In Romans 8:28 it says, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” This verse tells us that our love of God can perform alchemy so that we don’t have to stop the story when the horse leaves or when the son breaks his leg. Those things are just part of the mortal journey, rather than indicators of bad fortune or disfavor with God. We can decide to believe that something good, like an additional horse or avoiding the unanticipated danger of war, will be coming before too long. We can decide that the universe is conspiring in our favor. Whatever comes, we can choose an attitude of “maybe. We’ll see,” and we can choose to smile and feel hope.

Maybe none of the thoughts in these examples captures what you really think about your child’s lack of church attendance. That’s okay. Figure out what it is you do think about it, and what emotions and behaviors that thought is fueling in you, then decide if that’s something you want to continue. Make sure you’re driving your own car over rolling hills rather than putting yourself on a roller coaster run by the world outside of you. And if you need help with that, you know where to find me.

Remember, there are no empty chairs.