Faith, Hope, Love - Episode 39

What if faith is a belief or thought, hope is a feeling that comes from that thought, and charity is the actions that flow from a feeling of hope? What does that mean for you as the parent of a child who doesn't come to church?

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Transcript

Hello there! I’m so glad you’re here. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I am grateful to everyone who listens, grateful that you’re trying to build better relationships with your adult children who don’t come to church. It is not for the faint of heart, and it’s what No Empty Chairs is all about.

Today I want to talk about faith, hope, and charity. I’ve talked before about the model I use in coaching where everything fits into one of five categories: Circumstances, Thoughts, Feelings, Actions, and Results. Circumstances are the things outside of our control. They’re facts in the world. Other people are part of our circumstances. Thoughts are what we believe or focus on. Feelings are the emotions that come from our thoughts. Actions are the things we do–or don’t do–because of how we feel. And the Result is what we create through our actions. It’s our experience that we’re creating from our thoughts. 

I’ve been thinking about how faith, hope, and charity might fit into this model. The model is flexible, and we can sometimes put the same thing into different parts of the model, depending on what we’re trying to gain awareness of.  I might put a feeling in the circumstance line if I have thoughts about having that feeling, like if I’m judging myself for feeling impatient with my children. That’s next level, and I don’t want to get lost in the weeds of that right now. For now I’m just pointing out that there isn’t only one way something fits in the Model. I’m going to talk about a way that faith, hope, and charity might fit into the model. And I want you to know that it isn’t the only way you could fit them into the model. I’m just using the model as a tool to explore faith, hope, and charity.

Let’s just quickly define terms so you understand where I’m coming from. When I think of faith, I think of Ether 12:6, “faith is things hoped for and not seen,” or Hebrews 11:1, “faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” When we have faith, the only evidence we have is our belief. We may have reasons for our belief based on past experience, but fundamentally faith is about what we’re thinking. I would put faith in the thought line of the model.

“Hope” is more slippery to define. The word is used in lots of ways, and sometimes seems interchangeable with faith, but today I am thinking of it in terms of Ether 12:4, “Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith.” That’s the part that strikes me. If hope comes from faith and faith is a belief or a thought, then maybe hope is a feeling that we experience because of our faith, and more specifically our faith or belief in God. 

This feeling of hope “maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.” In other words, when we feel hope, we take action. That is, we abound in good works. And good works are one way of defining charity. The Book of Mormon prophet Moroni talks about charity as “the pure love of Christ,” (Moroni 7:47) and “everlasting love” (Moroni 8:17). We often think of love as a feeling, but sometimes we also talk about it as an action verb, something we do. So charity can be an action or a feeling. Maybe you can even put it in the thought line. Maybe that’s why Paul said, “the greatest of these is charity.” (1 Corinthians 13:13).

So, if our circumstance is our child who doesn’t come to church, what do we think about them? What belief about them do we carry around in our minds of something hoped for and not seen? Do our beliefs about our child create a feeling of hope in us? Do our beliefs about God create a feeling of hope in us when we think about our child? In other words, is that thought full of faith? If you aren’t feeling hope, what are you feeling? Don’t judge it, just notice it, and see if you can trace the feeling back to the thought that created it. It may or may not be one you want to keep.

But in your better moments, when you do feel hope, what do you do then? What don’t you do? Does it look like love?

I had a better moment recently. It’s one that has taken some time to come to. I hosted my children for Thanksgiving for the first time since 2020. One of my kids is vegan. I don’t really love cooking. I’m competent at it, but I am happiest doing things that are quick and familiar. Usually when we get together as a family every couple of months we order takeout, which can easily accommodate everyone’s dietary preferences. I have not invested much time or attention into vegan food. I struggled to incorporate some vegan options for Christmas breakfast. It felt hard to do Christmas breakfast without eggs, bacon, sausage, or cheese.  I was set on holding onto traditions and accommodated the vegan with alternatives that were not as complete or delicious as they might have been.

So this year I decided to make vegan Thanksgiving. My vegan child is the least likely to RSVP or reply to a text message, so I didn’t even know for sure they were coming. But over the past several years I have come to believe that I would rather be inclusive. And that thought created a feeling of willingness and desire that made it relatively easy for me to let everyone know that, instead of having traditional Thanksgiving with a few vegan things on the side, we were having vegan Thanksgiving with turkey and macaroni & cheese on the side. Because I felt desire rather than obligation, I asked my vegetarian child for suggestions for vegan protein and then found a delicious chickpea salad recipe online. Because of this desire, I went to 4 different stores looking for ingredients. Because of this desire, I had a conversation with other children where one of them volunteered to make the mashed potatoes vegan (no butter or sour cream), which got this whole vegan Thanksgiving rolling for us. And it all felt loving and good, even before I knew whether the vegan would show up, because I wasn’t doing it from obligation or to get their approval. I was doing it for me, because I want to be welcoming for them, whether or not they show up for it. The more I think, “I would rather be inclusive,” the easier it is to believe and the more loving I feel, which is a much better experience for me than obligation or resentment. 

There were times when the best I could do was one vegan alternative dish that I am sure felt like an afterthought to my child. And I am okay with that. I am not going to judge my past self for doing the best she could. I love that she was trying. And today I can rejoice in the experience my more recent past self had preparing new foods with a thankful heart.

So with all of that in mind, please listen to Ether 12:2-6 and consider how, as the parent of a child who doesn’t come to church, you might be able to strengthen your faith. Don’t consider that you’re Ether exhorting the people, but that you are the one hearing Ether speak to you about your own thoughts, feelings, and actions, your own personal agency.

2 And Ether was a prophet of the Lord; wherefore Ether came forth in the days of Coriantumr, and began to prophesy unto the people, for he could not be restrained because of the Spirit of the Lord which was in him.

3 For he did cry from the morning, even until the going down of the sun, exhorting the people to believe in God unto repentance lest they should be destroyed, saying unto them that by faith all things are fulfilled—

4 Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.

5 And it came to pass that Ether did prophesy great and marvelous things unto the people, which they did not believe, because they saw them not.

6 And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.

What are you not believing because you see it not?

Remember, there are no empty chairs.