Quiet - Episode 47

Another experience of meditation from Thomas McConkie's podcast One Heart One Mind. "Episode 2: The Prayer of Quiet"

Father Thomas Keating said in his book Open Mind Open Heart, “My conviction is that if people are never exposed to some kind of non-conceptual prayer, it may never develop at all because of the overly intellectual bias of western culture and the anti-contemplative trend of Christian teaching in recent centuries.”

What happens if you take your foot off the gas?

What would it look like for you to introduce more quiet into your relationship with your child?

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife's Strengthening Your Relationship course

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Transcript

Welcome! Happy April! I hope you’re enjoying some warmer weather now that spring is here. I want you to know that I have more parent interviews in the pipeline for you. Today it’s just me, so it will be brief.

I’ve been listening to a new podcast by Thomas McConkie called One Heart One Mind. I’ve mentioned before that the title makes me think of Moses 7:18, “And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them.” This is what I’m seeking for my family - a oneness of heart and mind, dwelling in righteousness, where there is enough to meet each person’s need. I don’t think being of one heart and one mind means feeling and believing the same things about everything. I do think it means loving and making room for each other’s differences so there is a place for everyone.

In case you’re unfamiliar with his work, Thomas McConkie teaches Christian contemplation. He’s a practicing member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints whose experience with Buddhism still informs his Christianity. As I’ve listened to the first few episodes of One Heart One Mind they’ve landed on my own current experience as a mom of kids who don’t come to church and have sparked thoughts about how the things Thomas is teaching show up in my own life. I’m going to do some episodes about my thoughts and experience as I follow along in this practice with Thomas. 

If you’re intrigued, I encourage you to follow One Heart One Mind yourself and engage in the contemplative practices that Thomas guides us through there. He talks about having a transformative, direct experience that opens us up to a different kind of seeing that is an expression of the divine nature. And then he guides us through such an experience. Practicing being present is a way of cultivating the imagination required for us to grow.

In his episode on “The Prayer of Quiet," he talks about the shift in the history of prayer that is exemplified by Rene Descartes’ Enlightenment assertion that “I think, therefore, I am.” There was a cultural shift away from an awareness of many forms of prayer toward prayer being more narrowly defined as discursive, thinking of words and saying them to God. Father Thomas Keating said in his book Open Mind Open Heart, “My conviction is that if people are never exposed to some kind of non-conceptual prayer, it may never develop at all because of the overly intellectual bias of western culture and the anti-contemplative trend of Christian teaching in recent centuries.” Oddly enough, this reminds me of my daughter’s preschool teacher talking about giving the kids lots of different experiences, including dancing. She said, “If they don’t dance when they’re kids, they may never dance.” How sad would that be, not to have that experience of joy in your body.

At the beginning of the practice, Thomas shared a metaphor that I keep thinking about. As a way of bringing myself to stillness, he asked me to imagine speeding along an empty, flat highway and then simply taking my foot off the gas. Without the provision of continued fuel, the car will naturally come to a stop. There’s nothing to be done, just the non-doing of no longer pressing the foot on the gas. Can you feel the relief?

Sometimes as a parent of adult children I have felt like I was racing down a relationship highway that is not what I was hoping for. It can feel a bit out of control. And yet, I’ve noticed that my continued pressure on the gas pedal–my attempt to control and drive–isn’t changing anything. My knuckles are only getting whiter on the steering wheel. And then sometimes there’s a moment where I take my foot off the gas. I realize that’s the thing I can control. I gradually roll to a stop, take a breath, and consider whether this frantic race is the way I want to keep living.

This line of thought reminds me of Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife’s Strengthening Your Relationship course. I think this bit might be based on the work of Terry Real, but she teaches about losing relationship strategies. She talks about how you can get a lot of mileage out of simply stopping the losing strategies, even if you aren’t sure what to do instead. Committing not to do the manipulative, controlling thing anymore can go a long way.

So, what would it look like for you to introduce more quiet into your relationship with your child?
I spent a lot of my children’s upbringing talking and teaching. I wonder what would be different if I spent the rest of our relationship tipping the balance more toward quiet, intent listening, toward being still and receptive to who they are, and welcoming that in.

There is a rich possibility in quiet. It has the possibility of feeling restful as we wait and listen–listen with our whole heart, body and being to God in the prayer of quiet. St. Teresa calls it the prayer of consolation and describes it as a supernatural favor.

What consolation might you find in offering your quiet, receptive presence to your children?

I’m aware that the General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is coming this weekend. Particularly, I’ve thought about discourse and quiet as Saturday and Sunday approach. There will be ten hours of meetings where the general leaders of The Church will speak. For some members of The Church, listening is an experience that “fills their cup.” For some members of The Church, it’s a difficult time for any number of reasons. For example, it can feel discouraging to hear messages of family unity based on shared religious observance when your kids don’t come to church. I encourage you to engage with General Conference in whatever way feels most helpful to you. It’s okay to take the talks in all at once, slowly and steadily over time, or not at all. Exercise your faith that, whatever you choose, God loves you and is mindful of you. And God loves your children and is mindful of them.

Remember, there are no empty chairs.