Accepting Dignity - Episode 48

 The Dignity Index

Speaking of the Utah Pilot Project, University of Utah President Taylor Randall said, “The Dignity Index relies on one of the most ancient tools for social change in the history of human beings – conscience. When we see how often we use contempt and how harmful it is, we see we’re a part of the problem, and that makes us part of the solution.”

Donna Hicks, the author of the book Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict created the list of The 10 Elements of Dignity. 

• ACCEPTING DIGNITY
• INCLUSION
• SAFETY
• ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
• INDEPENDENCE
• RECOGNITION
• FAIRNESS
• BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
• UNDERSTANDING
• ACCOUNTABILITY

This episode focuses on ACCEPTING DIGNITY. “Approach people as being neither inferior nor superior to you. Give others the freedom to express their authentic selves without fear of being negatively judged. Interact without prejudice or bias, accepting the ways in which race, religion, ethnicity, gender, class, age, and disability may be at the core of other people’s identities. Assume that others have integrity.”

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Transcript

ACCEPTING DIGNITY

Welcome! Recently I came across a resource called The Dignity Index that I really want to talk about right now. I will probably do a series on the elements of dignity. It’s also likely that you’ll hear more about my journey with Thomas McConkie’s podcast One Heart One Mind, but today I’m talking about dignity. The Dignity Index began development in 2021. It is an eight-point scale that measures the level of contempt or dignity in a selected passage of speech. If you’re familiar with The Gottman Institute’s work on marriage, you may recognize contempt as one of the “four horsemen,” and in marriages contempt is the number one predictor of divorce. I find it useful to think of dignity as the opposite of contempt.

The Dignity Index was developed by UNITE, a national initiative to ease divisions, prevent violence, and solve problems. Speaking of the Utah Pilot Project, University of Utah President Taylor Randall said, “The Dignity Index relies on one of the most ancient tools for social change in the history of human beings – conscience. When we see how often we use contempt and how harmful it is, we see we’re a part of the problem, and that makes us part of the solution.”

Today I’m going to ask you to consider ways you might be part of the problem in your family. I do not want you to take this information and use it to punch yourself in the face and feel bad about yourself. I do want you to use this information to identify ways you can be part of the solution in your relationship with your kids who don’t come to church. I want you to live in your relationships from that empowered place where you can make a difference, even if the only thing that changes is you. Today and in future episodes I’m going to talk about some elements of dignity and ask you to reflect on how well you implement them in your relationship with your kids who don’t come to church.

Donna Hicks, the author of the book Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict created the list of The 10 Elements of Dignity. We won’t talk about all of them today, but here’s a quick rundown of the list:

• ACCEPTING DIGNITY
• INCLUSION
• SAFETY
• ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
• INDEPENDENCE
• RECOGNITION
• FAIRNESS
• BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
• UNDERSTANDING
• ACCOUNTABILITY

Let’s start with Hicks’s description of ACCEPTING DIGNITY. “Approach people as being neither inferior nor superior to you. Give others the freedom to express their authentic selves without fear of being negatively judged. Interact without prejudice or bias, accepting the ways in which race, religion, ethnicity, gender, class, age, and disability may be at the core of other people’s identities. Assume that others have integrity.”

There’s a lot to unpack there, and it can be especially tricky in a parent-child relationship. Let’s start with “Approach people as being neither inferior nor superior to you.” I’ve come to believe that I ought to have treated even my minor children with more dignity than I sometimes did. I wish I had demonstrated more humility and curiosity in getting to know them, and in trusting that they knew themselves, or were getting to know themselves. I spent a lot of time parenting out of fear, trying to prevent things from going wrong, and believing that I knew what was best, often at the same moment where I felt so small because I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, but I was supposed to. Sometimes it was true that I knew what was best. Sometimes I had more information and maturity than my children. And sometimes they had information that I was not willing to receive. I mostly wanted their quick compliance so I could feel okay about the job I was doing as a mother. 

But there is a middle ground, a way to honor dignity and agency even in young children, that relies on acknowledging that one of us is not better than the other. My experience and maturity is often useful, but it doesn’t make me right, or make my will more important than my children’s will. Both of our desires matter. The more I can treat my adult children as equals, if not exactly peers, the more I am seeing them the way God sees them, the more I honor their agency.

Next sentence: “Give others the freedom to express their authentic selves without fear of being negatively judged.” This one got to me. Reading it I had a flashback to the moment my 20-year-old son told me that he didn’t think that nearly having his mission papers done was a good reason to go on a mission. I’m grateful that I was able to agree with him in that moment and support his decision. But what I sometimes feel some regret or embarrassment about is that at the time he was not confident what my response would be. There was a long history of me judging and trying to fix when what was needed was for me to listen and demonstrate love and acceptance. I’ve been fortunate that in many ways my children have been more accepting and forgiving of me along my path of growth than I have been of them. We don’t get to choose who our children are. We do get to choose whether we offer them negative judgment.

Next sentence: “Interact without prejudice or bias, accepting the ways in which race, religion, ethnicity, gender, class, age, and disability may be at the core of other people’s identities.” This one feels particularly fraught in the context of children who no longer come to church. As a parent who still goes to church, I might feel like I taught them a certain way of living that is the right way, and I have prejudices about what it means if they choose something else. Their religious upbringing will always be a part of their identity. Not participating at church may also be a core part of their identity as they grow up because it’s their identity. Honoring that agency without feeling disappointed, rejected, or worried can take some attention and effort on our part. How well would we treat someone who has never been a member of our church? Let’s treat our children with the same kind of respect for their differences, as well as their similarities.

And finally, “Assume that others have integrity.” What is the benefit of assuming that our children who have stopped going to church are lazy or lack discipline? What would happen in our relationships if we genuinely believed that they have good reasons for their decisions, even when we don’t know what they are? Can you remember a time when someone important to you questioned your motives or your judgment? How did that feel? Is that an experience you want to offer to your children?

This first of the 10 Elements of Dignity, ACCEPTING DIGNITY, is worth sitting with for a while. If we don’t genuinely believe that someone is our equal and that they deserve to be themselves without our judgment, then we have a sandy foundation for a relationship. Every child of God is worthy of our respect for them as a person, regardless of their belief or behavior. We can still have our preferences, as they have theirs. I’m not suggesting that anyone accept abusive behavior. I am only saying that we need to think more carefully about what it means to respect the dignity of other people, especially other adults. 

Remember, there are no empty chairs.