No Empty Chairs
Did you know that you can have a great relationship with your adult children even if you have faith differences? My name is Candice Clark. I’m a mom, a Professional Certified Life Coach with Advanced Certification in Faith-based Coaching, and a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. If you’re willing to make more room for difference in your family and your church, I can show you how to keep your relationship with your children and your faith. Let’s Go!
No Empty Chairs
Inclusion and Safety - Episode 49
Speaking of the Utah Pilot Project, University of Utah President Taylor Randall said, “The Dignity Index relies on one of the most ancient tools for social change in the history of human beings – conscience. When we see how often we use contempt and how harmful it is, we see we’re a part of the problem, and that makes us part of the solution.”
Donna Hicks, the author of the book Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict created the list of The 10 Elements of Dignity.
- ACCEPTING DIGNITY
- INCLUSION
- SAFETY
- ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
- INDEPENDENCE
- RECOGNITION
- FAIRNESS
- BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
- UNDERSTANDING
- ACCOUNTABILITY
This episode focuses on:
INCLUSION “Make others feel that they belong, whatever the relationship – whether they are in your family, community, organization, or nation.”
SAFETY “Put people at ease at two levels: physically, so they feel safe from bodily harm, and psychologically, so they feel safe from being humiliated. Help them to feel free to speak without fear of retribution.”
You found me! If what you heard on the No Empty Chairs podcast gives you hope for more help, please schedule a free Conversation with Candice. You can also visit candiceclarkcoaching.com for more information about how coaching tools can help you keep your relationship with your children and your faith. While you're there, be sure to pull up a chair and sign up with your email to be the first to know about news and events for moms whose kids don't come to church.
It's going to be okay, and even better!
Happy Spring, everyone! I pruned my forsythia bush the other day, so now I am coming to you with seasonal allergy voice. I’m mostly recovered now, I think. It was a bit rough singing all the hymns on Easter Sunday, but I made a joyful noise. I will press forward with the podcast today.
As I mentioned last episode, I recently came across a resource called The Dignity Index that began development in 2021. The Dignity Index is an eight-point scale that measures the level of contempt or dignity in a selected passage of speech. It was developed by UNITE, a national initiative to ease divisions, prevent violence, and solve problems. Speaking of the Utah Pilot Project, University of Utah President Taylor Randall said, “The Dignity Index relies on one of the most ancient tools for social change in the history of human beings – conscience. When we see how often we use contempt and how harmful it is, we see we’re a part of the problem, and that makes us part of the solution.”
Over the past few years I am increasingly aware of the moments I allow contempt to come into my interactions with other people. Today I’m going to ask you to consider ways you might be doing the same and contributing to the problem in your family. I do not want you to take this information and use it to punch yourself in the face and feel bad about yourself. I do want you to use this information to identify ways you can be part of the solution. I want you to live in your relationships from that empowered place where you can make a difference, even if the only thing that changes is you. I’m going to talk about some elements of dignity and ask you to reflect on how well you implement them in your relationship with your kids who don’t come to church.
Donna Hicks, the author of Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict created this list of The 10 Elements of Dignity. We won’t talk about all of them today, but here’s a quick rundown of the list:
ACCEPTING DIGNITY
INCLUSION
SAFETY
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
INDEPENDENCE
RECOGNITION
FAIRNESS
BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
UNDERSTANDING
ACCOUNTABILITY
Let’s start with Hicks’s description of INCLUSION. “Make others feel that they belong, whatever the relationship – whether they are in your family, community, organization, or nation.”
When I read this description of inclusion, I was reminded of a council my cousin described having in his Elders Quorum, which I share with his permission to the best of my recollection of his account. He talked with his quorum about our responsibility to help people feel welcome at church. I’ll read this excerpt from The General Handbook: Serving in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, section 38.1.1
“Attendance at Church Meetings
The Savior taught that His disciples should love their neighbors (see Matthew 22:39). Paul invited new converts to “no more be strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints” (Ephesians 2:19). The Savior also taught that Church members are not to “cast any one out from … public meetings, which are held before the world” (Doctrine and Covenants 46:3).
All are welcome to attend sacrament meeting, other Sunday meetings, and social events of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”
Everyone in my cousin’s elders quorum was on board with that general concept of welcome. And then he shared some specific examples for consideration: What about a transgender person? What about someone who smokes who is not sure he wants to be here in the first place? What would have to change in our elders quorum for them to feel welcome with us? At that point some people expressed ambivalence, wondering whether they would really want to make changes that would make these people feel welcome. Wouldn’t that compromise our values?
The answer to that question is something each of us has to decide for ourselves. Sometimes organizations are created for a specific purpose or population that does not include everyone. Today I’d like you to consider whether you want your family to feel like one of those places for your children. What does a family member have to believe to belong in your family? How does a family member have to feel about the Church to belong in your family? What do they have to do to belong?
I am a firm believer in bringing my belonging with me wherever I go. If I’m there, I belong there. If I decide I don’t want to be there, I’ll leave, but not because I don’t belong. Mid-life has helped increase my confidence in this regard, although I have moments of insecurity still. I recommend to everyone bringing your own belonging with you. At the same time, I recognize that doing so was beyond my capacity for much of my life. Particularly for my children, I would like to make it easier for them to feel like they belong in my family, that they–exactly as they are–matter to me and are welcome with me. And one of the things that has helped me make progress in this effort is considering the question, “What can I change for my children to feel more welcome in my family?”
That question is a good setup for the next element of dignity: SAFETY. “Put people at ease at two levels: physically, so they feel safe from bodily harm, and psychologically, so they feel safe from being humiliated. Help them to feel free to speak without fear of retribution.”
I can’t think of a time my adult children would have felt physically unsafe with me, but as I mentioned in the last episode, there were many times in their childhood where my expectation of them to fall in line made it impossible for them to express their true feelings. I’m sure there were many occasions when I heard them express discomfort or concern and I was dismissive of their feelings. I was also busy dismissing my own discomfort and concern, trying to keep up with some external standard that I thought was expected of me, and dragging my children right along with me.
I’ve come to believe that my children don’t need my disappointment. My disappointment is all mine to deal with. If I want my kids to feel safe with me, I can’t make them responsible for my emotions. The best moments are the moments in which I can listen without defensiveness and try to see their point of view. I’m thinking about Romans 8:38-39. It’s one of my favorite scriptures. “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Think about it. This capacity to be connected to the love of God doesn’t come about because of how we think, feel, and act. It comes about because of how Jesus thinks, feels, and acts. We are safe with Jesus. If I want to be like Jesus, I will increase my capacity to create more safety for others, including my children.
Remember, there are no empty chairs.
