Mother's Day - Episode 51

Because it's never too late to hear encouragement for women and mothers, here's the talk Candice gave in her ward on Mother's Day.

Quotes included in the talk:

“I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10)

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

“Your worth isn’t tied to obedience. Your worth is constant; it never changes. It was given to you by God, and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to change it. Obedience brings blessings; that is true. But worth isn’t one of them. Your worth is always “great in the sight of God,” no matter where your decisions have taken you. If you could hear the Savior praying for you, what do you think He would say? Listen for that voice that says good things about you—the voice of the Savior, your finest friend.” (Sister Tamara Runia)

“Our continuing role is to receive continuing revelation.” (Sister Joy Jones)

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27)

You found me! If what you heard on the No Empty Chairs podcast gives you hope for more help, please schedule a free Conversation with Candice. You can also visit candiceclarkcoaching.com for more information about how coaching tools can help you keep your relationship with your children and your faith. While you're there, be sure to pull up a chair and sign up with your email to be the first to know about news and events for moms whose kids don't come to church.

It's going to be okay, and even better!

Transcript

Happy Mother’s Day! My wish for you today is for you to feel supported, sustained, and full of hope because of the infinite Atonement of Jesus Christ. I don’t know a single woman who thinks she has it all figured out. Even my most confident friends worry they are getting it wrong. There is a lot of inappropriate guilt and even shame associated with motherhood. Maybe you’re not a mother and you think you should be. Maybe you don’t really want to be a mother, and maybe you already have children. Maybe you’re a stay at home mother and you feel bad that you want to be in school or working or volunteering. Maybe you’re in school or working or volunteering and you feel bad that you aren’t at home more. Maybe you don’t enjoy cooking or grocery shopping or driving or cleaning or playing with cars and you’re confronted with dread and self-loathing daily or even hourly. I am not here to tell you what you should be doing or how you should be doing it. I am definitely not here to praise everyone but you for doing it better than you.

I am here to tell you there is good news. I am here to tell you that there is a Healer of the World who can make us whole. I am here to tell you that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is infinite, that there is nothing you can do to add to Christ’s suffering or to reduce it. I am here to tell you that we are covered by the love of God. I am here to tell you that you don’t need to do anything  better or give more of yourself for this to apply to you. Jesus is going to Jesus, no matter what. He is who He is. Jesus saves. Jesus heals. “Come open wide your broken heart and let the Savior in.”

Here are a few more things for everyone to know for surviving Mother’s Day, and possibly even thriving in your everyday life.

First, women are unique, multi-dimensional people. Yes, even the ones who are mothers. You are not your motherhood.
Second, women are worthy of care, for ourselves and from others. Self-sacrifice and self-neglect on the order of The Giving Tree is not holiness. Jesus said, “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10) Take good care of yourself, explore your goals and dreams and do what you can to nurture and care for the women in your life who have nurtured you. You don’t matter more than anyone else in your family. You also don’t matter less. Hear me say that again: your desires do not matter less than those of your husband and your children. You are responsible for tending to your god-given desires.
Finally, wanting and asking for support does not mean you are broken, incompetent, or ungrateful. It’s wonderful to be thanked for our efforts in support of others. It’s even more wonderful to experience mutual support for our endeavors, even if at the moment that endeavor is simply getting dinner on the table to feed the family. Notice and value the work women do and share the load in everyday home and family life. Noticing and appreciating the load is a good start. Lightening the load is even better. When we really believe something is important, we participate in it.

One day when I was pregnant with my third child, I laid down to take a nap. My oldest was 5 and her brother was 2 years old. I just desperately needed to rest, so I put my 5-year-old in charge of my 2-year-old and lay down on my bed. Sometime later I woke up to the sound of water running. When I walked into the kitchen, I found my son happily standing on a chair in front of the kitchen sink, playing in the water. The faucet was running, both sides of the sink were full of water, and water covered the countertops and cascaded over the edge, dripping through the floor onto our washing machine in the basement below.

I was alarmed at the situation, but not upset with my daughter. After I took care of the water and my son, I talked with her. With disbelief in my voice, I said, “Why didn’t you come tell me?” Her response was, “I thought you would be mad.” Fair enough. I wasn’t actually angry, but this seemed like a good time to offer a decision rule to my 5-year-old, “Especially if you think I’m going to be mad, you need to come tell me.”

At the time, I thought a lot of things had gone wrong. I shouldn’t have laid down. My 2-year-old shouldn’t have played in the water. My 5-year-old should have told me what was happening.
But those are just made up stories. Now I can just as easily tell the story that of course an exhausted expectant mother needs to rest. Of course a 2-year-old will play in the water when he gets the chance. And of course a 5-year-old cannot reasonably be expected to care for a 2-year-old the way an adult would. Nothing has gone wrong. Mortality is just messy, sometimes quite literally.

My family moved back into this ward General Conference weekend in April 2007 so my oldest daughter could finish out her 8th grade year at the local Junior High. The youngest of my 5 children, was about to turn 2. For the next three months my husband was commuting an hour away to complete his vesting period so we could receive the full benefit of his years working in the job he was leaving for more medical training.

A few days after we arrived, a woman from my new ward showed up on my doorstep with a pizza. It was actually the first day since the move that I had managed to put something in the crockpot for dinner, but we were happy to have the pizza and save the crockpot meal for another day. The thing that I needed that day, though, was not the pizza, it was her. She didn’t stay long, but her arrival helped me feel valued and that God was aware of me and loved me. It helped me feel that I mattered. I’ve told this story in Relief Society many times before. Here’s some background that I haven’t fully shared before.

After my 4th child was born, I wanted to be done having children. I didn’t feel settled that I was done having children, but I wanted to be done having children, so much so that I gave away all of our baby things to my SIL who was expecting her first baby a few months later. Nearly four years after my 4th child was born, I gave birth to my 5th child and knew my family was complete. 

That last pregnancy, my 7th pregnancy, was the hardest of them all. By my third trimester, sitting and standing were both quite painful, nearly continuously. Lying down brought minimal relief, and was challenging with 4 other children. We hired some after school help and made it through. I had the best care I have ever received during that hospital stay, including an epidural that didn’t send a shock down my spine and legs. I didn’t know that was a thing. My newborn baby was doing well, if a little puffy. And still I vividly remember the day I was headed home, sitting on the loveseat in my hospital room sobbing uncontrollably, for no apparent reason. I was anticipating going home and no longer having the support the hospital staff had provided me over those couple of days. 

I took more of a break than I had after my 4th child was born, but all too quickly I went back to managing music lessons and practicing for 3 pianists and 3 violinists on top of the daily living demands of caring for 5 children, a 4-bedroom house, and a half-acre property. No matter what I had accomplished the day before, I woke up every morning and no one had practiced yet. My newborn didn’t eat well and didn’t grow much for the first 3 months of her life. She failed to thrive. I had a deathgrip on the idea of breastfeeding, partly because I had found it so much more convenient than dealing with bottles. But my baby and I were both struggling. I was doing all I could to care for her. My husband brought home human milk fortifier and I had a fancy contraption that would supplement the baby’s nutrition while I was breastfeeding her. 

The only problem was that by the time I had fed her, then also pumped, washed the apparatus and the pump, gotten a drink of water, and maybe used the bathroom, it was practically time to do it all again. I was not getting enough rest. I was not getting enough care. Two-hour intervals are simply not sustainable, but I am stubborn, so I persisted, thinking that any minute things would get better. They didn’t get better for about three months. Then, just as my baby had turned a corner and started to grow, my husband was called to serve in the bishopric. And so it went, from one “barely hanging on” situation to the next, until we moved back to Iowa City. I got everyone through that summer after the move, but by the time fall arrived, there was nothing left. In fact, at some point a medical professional suggested that I had postpartum depression, and that I possibly had had undiagnosed postpartum depression for about 6 years.

What would it have looked like if I had let go of my commitment to breastfeeding sooner, sparing my body the additional demand of producing milk and being the only person who could feed my baby? What would it have looked like if I had been willing to interrupt music lessons or at least handle them differently, without so much heavy expectation on what was supposedly required of me? What would it have looked like if I had not acted as if it was my job to fill in every gap left by anyone else in the family? What would my experience have been like if I had let go of the idea that everything–including my children’s survival and their salvation–was up to me? What if I had had more trust in Jesus, more hope in his word?

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

Listen to this important teaching from Sister Tamara Runia, “Your worth isn’t tied to obedience. Your worth is constant; it never changes. It was given to you by God, and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to change it. Obedience brings blessings; that is true. But worth isn’t one of them. Your worth is always “great in the sight of God,” no matter where your decisions have taken you. If you could hear the Savior praying for you, what do you think He would say? Listen for that voice that says good things about you—the voice of the Savior, your finest friend.” 

Sister Joy Jones spoke about women of the Church and explained that, “Our continuing role is to receive continuing revelation.”

Let me suggest that the most important thing God can reveal to you is how much Jesus loves you, how much our Heavenly Mother and Father love you, already, right now, just as you are.

Listen to me. You’re doing fine. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.

I’ll close with the promise of Jesus: “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27)

Remember, there are no empty chairs.