Elements of Dignity: Acknowledgement and Independence - Episode 52

 The Dignity Index

Speaking of the Utah Pilot Project, University of Utah President Taylor Randall said, “The Dignity Index relies on one of the most ancient tools for social change in the history of human beings – conscience. When we see how often we use contempt and how harmful it is, we see we’re a part of the problem, and that makes us part of the solution.”

Donna Hicks, the author of the book Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict created the list of The 10 Elements of Dignity. 

• ACCEPTING DIGNITY
• INCLUSION
• SAFETY
• ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
• INDEPENDENCE
• RECOGNITION
• FAIRNESS
• BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
• UNDERSTANDING
• ACCOUNTABILITY

This episode focuses on: 

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT “Give people your full attention by listening, hearing, validating, and responding to their concerns, feelings, and experiences.”

INDEPENDENCE “Encourage people to act on their own behalf so that they feel in control of their lives and experience a sense of hope and possibility.”

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Transcript

Welcome back, friends! Today I am circling back to talk more about The Elements of Dignity. As I’ve mentioned before, I came across a resource called The Dignity Index. The Dignity Index is an eight-point scale that measures the level of contempt or dignity in a selected passage of speech. It was developed by UNITE, a national initiative to ease divisions, prevent violence, and solve problems. Speaking of the Utah Pilot Project, University of Utah President Taylor Randall said, “The Dignity Index relies on one of the most ancient tools for social change in the history of human beings – conscience. When we see how often we use contempt and how harmful it is, we see we’re a part of the problem, and that makes us part of the solution.”

Over the past few years I am increasingly aware of the moments I allow contempt to come into my interactions with other people. Today I’m going to ask you to consider ways you might be doing the same and contributing to the problem in your family relationships. I do not want you to take this information and use it to punch yourself in the face and feel bad about yourself. I do want you to use this information to identify ways you can be part of the solution. I want you to live in your relationships from that empowered place where you can make a difference, even if the only thing that really changes is you. I’m going to talk about some elements of dignity and ask you to reflect on how well you implement them in your relationship with your kids who don’t come to church.

Donna Hicks, the author of Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict created this list of The 10 Elements of Dignity. We won’t talk about all of them today, but here’s a quick rundown of the list:

ACCEPTING DIGNITY
INCLUSION
SAFETY
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
INDEPENDENCE
RECOGNITION
FAIRNESS
BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
UNDERSTANDING
ACCOUNTABILITY

Today I’ll begin by talking about ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. Acknowledgement means you “Give people your full attention by listening, hearing, validating, and responding to their concerns, feelings, and experiences.”

I was thinking about one of my children who has expressed some strong feelings about times during their adolescence when I would be on the computer or have my earbuds in. They would come to talk to me and find me in the middle of bills or calendar or writing or whatever I might be doing and I would acknowledge them ever so slightly, but really my brain and my attention were on what I had been doing. Let’s start by noting that there are indeed some necessary tasks in life, and also that even moms are human beings who deserve to carve out space for themselves to relax or think or just be. So as I reflect on my behavior now, I see it as a symptom of all the pressure I was under. It is SO difficult to do anything as a mother with children around. My awareness felt scattered most of the time. I thought I needed to know and control or manage everything each one of my five children was doing at all times, and also take care of the house and the yard and the laundry and feed everyone. I felt like I was constantly failing and it was hard to allow myself what seemed like a luxury of simply being present rather than being driven by all that needed to be done. I notice now, though, that I couldn’t tell you the specific tasks I accomplished when I wasn’t fully acknowledging my child, but they deeply remember their experience that there was something more important to me than them. Of course my child was and is important to me, and some of what I was doing did need to get done for us to live in the world, but at this point I think that there was less of that than I imagined at the time. 

Honestly, I still sometimes struggle to give my full attention. Sometimes when I’m on the phone with one of my kids I am also browsing Facebook or playing a game on my phone, or even cleaning the bathroom. I don’t know anyone who has time to have every conversation of their life take place in isolation, but I am working toward being more present with my kids, even on the telephone. Giving them my full attention has the added benefit of helping me feel less scattered and more peaceful. If my attention keeps getting pulled elsewhere, maybe it’s time for me to move on to a new conversation or task.

I’m also learning that it’s possible to listen, hear, validate, and respond without necessarily agreeing. I can keep conversations that my kids bring to me focused on their concerns, feelings, and experiences without making it about changing their minds or correcting their feelings. Acknowledgement is a practice that I keep moving toward. 

Another element of dignity is:

INDEPENDENCE
“Encourage people to act on their own behalf so that they feel in control of their lives and experience a sense of hope and possibility.”

This seems so obvious, but it’s something I find pretty challenging in some situations. Like my attitude is “you have agency and I will tell you how to use it appropriately.” There is surely some protection in obedience, and as the first law of heaven it can get us off to a good start early in our development. But obedience doesn’t have the same power to change us and help us grow that agency does. That’s why we went with Heavenly Father’s plan in the grand council in heaven. Growing into ourselves and becoming more like God comes fundamentally from the inside of us, not from compliance with externally imposed rules, even though rules can be pretty good training wheels.

I love the idea of helping someone feel a sense of hope and possibility for themselves. A feeling of hope can come from the belief that you know what to do, or that you can figure it out when the time comes. It’s different from optimism that everything will work out. When people make their own decisions and really own them, they can develop confidence, even when things don’t go as planned. As parents we make that harder when we encourage our kids to do what we think is best, no matter where their own compass is pointing them, sometimes leaving them wondering if disagreement will put their relationship with us at risk.

One of my kids is in the process of buying a house. We were in the car one day and I found myself asking about their plans. As we talked, I suggested that for homeowner’s insurance they consider not just price, but also customer service and how things might go if they did need to file a claim. And then I realized that I had not asked if my child wanted to know my thoughts or advice about homeowner’s insurance. Oops! I took a step back and apologized that I hadn’t asked, noting that, of course, they would figure it all out with their spouse.

When our kids stop coming to church, they are exercising their independence. The best thing we can do for them and for our relationship with them is to give them the space to do that, to acknowledge that it’s a valid choice for them, and let them know that their difference does not threaten our bond. I haven’t found it helpful in getting people back to church to tell them they are using their agency wrong. The very act of using agency, of owning our decisions that are internally driven, is a developmental step toward becoming more like God–even when it means someone stops coming to church.

Remember, there are no empty chairs.