Elements of Dignity: Recognition, Fairness, and Benefit of the Doubt

 The Dignity Index

Speaking of the Utah Pilot Project, University of Utah President Taylor Randall said, “The Dignity Index relies on one of the most ancient tools for social change in the history of human beings – conscience. When we see how often we use contempt and how harmful it is, we see we’re a part of the problem, and that makes us part of the solution.”

Donna Hicks, the author of the book Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict created the list of The 10 Elements of Dignity. 

• ACCEPTING DIGNITY
• INCLUSION
• SAFETY
• ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
• INDEPENDENCE
• RECOGNITION
• FAIRNESS
• BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
• UNDERSTANDING
• ACCOUNTABILITY

This episode focuses on: 

RECOGNITION
“Validate others for their talents, hard work, thoughtfulness, and help. Be generous with praise, and show appreciation and gratitude to others for their contributions and ideas."

FAIRNESS
“Treat people justly, with equality, and in an evenhanded way according to agreed-on laws and rules. People feel that you have honored their dignity when you treat them without discrimination or injustice.”

BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
“Treat people as trustworthy. Start with the premise that others have good motives and are acting with integrity.”

David Ostler's book Bridges: Ministering to Those Who Question is a helpful resource.

Request to join the private Facebook group Bridges: Support for LDS Parents of Adult Children. Answering the membership questions is required to be admitted to the group.

You found me! If what you heard on the No Empty Chairs podcast gives you hope for more help, please schedule a free Conversation with Candice. You can also visit candiceclarkcoaching.com for more information about how coaching tools can help you keep your relationship with your children and your faith. While you're there, be sure to pull up a chair and sign up with your email to be the first to know about news and events for moms whose kids don't come to church.

It's going to be okay, and even better!

Transcript

Welcome back, friends! Today I am circling back to talk more about The Elements of Dignity. As I’ve mentioned before, I came across a resource called The Dignity Index. The Dignity Index is an eight-point scale that measures the level of contempt or dignity in a selected passage of speech. It was developed by UNITE, a national initiative to ease divisions, prevent violence, and solve problems. Speaking of the Utah Pilot Project, University of Utah President Taylor Randall said, “The Dignity Index relies on one of the most ancient tools for social change in the history of human beings – conscience. When we see how often we use contempt and how harmful it is, we see we’re a part of the problem, and that makes us part of the solution.”

Over the past few years I am increasingly aware of the moments I allow contempt to come into my interactions with other people. Today I’m going to ask you to consider ways you might be doing the same and contributing to the problem in your family relationships. I do not want you to take this information and use it to punch yourself in the face and feel bad about yourself. I do want you to use this information to identify ways you can be part of the solution. I want you to live in your relationships from that empowered place where you can make a difference, even if the only thing that really changes is you. Don’t underestimate how powerful that can be. I’m going to talk about some elements of dignity–recognition, fairness, and benefit of the doubt for today–and ask you to reflect on how well you implement them in your relationship with your kids who don’t come to church.

Donna Hicks, the author of Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict created this list of The 10 Elements of Dignity. We won’t talk about all of them today, but here’s a quick rundown of the list:

ACCEPTING DIGNITY
INCLUSION
SAFETY
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
INDEPENDENCE
RECOGNITION
FAIRNESS
BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
UNDERSTANDING
ACCOUNTABILITY

RECOGNITION
“Validate others for their talents, hard work, thoughtfulness, and help. Be generous with praise, and show appreciation and gratitude to others for their contributions and ideas.”

We’re all in different situations with our kids. We see them anywhere from often to less than once per year, and our time together varies. I’ve realized that for me recognizing my kids feels hard when I don’t know very much about what is going on in my children’s lives and what matters most to them right now. And it can be tricky to navigate expressing interest with kids who are wary of me, who like to keep sharing information with me about their lives to a minimum. How can I recognize my kids who don’t give me much of a window into their world? For one of my kids, this has looked like saying positive things about the importance of their chosen profession, for example. I express gratitude for them just for coming when they show up to family events. And as I’ve reflected on recognition, I think I can do a better job of expressing interest. Sometimes a very private person doesn’t respond well to questions, but might be willing to take in an expression in the form of a statement, like, “I’d be curious to know what you think about [fill in the blank].” It might feel less confronting to let this kind of comment go by than if they had to decide whether or not to answer a direct question. It’s a theory I may experiment with in the future.

FAIRNESS
“Treat people justly, with equality, and in an evenhanded way according to agreed-on laws and rules. People feel that you have honored their dignity when you treat them without discrimination or injustice.”

This element of dignity is a good one for me to think about. I grew up in a family of six children, and then had five of my own. For understandable reasons, fairness got a bad rap from the parents, both mine and my children’s. It’s never going to be fair. It’s impossible. How many times did I hear as a child and then say to my own children, “Life is not fair.” True enough. But I wonder how much of that story is about an unwillingness to acknowledge even the discrepancies that ought to be addressed? If you have a child interested in running and a child interested in playing piano, they don’t both need high quality running shoes and a piano. One of those is more readily financially obtainable than the other. That’s a reality that has to be managed. But whether or not your family has the means for both of those things, it’s worth thinking about how we as parents are spending our time and attention with each of our children. Are those decisions a function of our children’s interests or only our own? In the case of adult kids who don’t come to church, it’s worth thinking about how much of the family conversation centers around the interests and activities of family members whose lives are still focused around church participation. It isn’t fair to minimize the interests and opinions of our kids simply because we might not share them.

BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
“Treat people as trustworthy. Start with the premise that others have good motives and are acting with integrity.”

This is an element of dignity that many members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints could do better with. When you believe you’re “The only true and living church upon the face of the whole earth,” and someone leaves that church, it’s easy to question their motives. And it happens a lot–from the pulpit, in the classroom, and in casual conversation. It’s easy to believe someone who stops coming to church is dishonest or lazy or just wants to sin. And it’s a story we find oddly comforting because it doesn’t require us to consider what good reasons there might be for someone to stop coming to church. Imagine with me for a moment, though, what it would be like in a family or a ward if we trusted the people who stopped coming that they were acting with integrity from good motives. If we assume that it makes sense for someone to stop coming to church, how might we behave differently–at church and in our daily lives? And what might we learn about ourselves if we’re willing to look? If you haven’t yet had a chance to read David Ostler’s book Bridges: Ministering to Those Who Question, I recommend you take the time. One of the things Dave addresses in this book is the disconnect between the reasons local (and other) church leaders believe people stop coming to church and the actual reasons people stop coming to church. (Dave also started a Facebook group with Jeralee Renshaw called Bridges: Support for LDS Parents of Adult Children, where you can find additional support as a parent of kids who don’t come to church.)

There are at least two elements to someone’s sense of belonging. A big part of belonging is a person’s internal sense of self and what they bring to a situation. Sometimes, though, that is all we focus on. We decide that someone got offended and stopped coming, without pausing to consider that they may actually have encountered something offensive to dignity–their own or someone else’s. If we’re willing to look at that part of whether people feel belonging in our family or at church, we can decide to use our influence to make it better.

How can you implement recognition, fairness, and benefit of the doubt in your interactions with your kids who don’t come to church?

Remember, there are no empty chairs.