Elements of Dignity: Understanding and Accountability

The Dignity Index

Speaking of the Utah Pilot Project, University of Utah President Taylor Randall said, “The Dignity Index relies on one of the most ancient tools for social change in the history of human beings – conscience. When we see how often we use contempt and how harmful it is, we see we’re a part of the problem, and that makes us part of the solution.”

Donna Hicks, the author of the book Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict created the list of The 10 Elements of Dignity. 

• ACCEPTING DIGNITY
• INCLUSION
• SAFETY
• ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
• INDEPENDENCE
• RECOGNITION
• FAIRNESS
• BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
• UNDERSTANDING
• ACCOUNTABILITY

This episode focuses on: 

UNDERSTANDING
"Believe that what others think matters. Give them the chance to explain and express their points of view. Actively listen in order to understand them."

ACCOUNTABILITY
"Take responsibility for your actions. If you have violated the dignity of another person, apologize. Make a commitment to change your hurtful behaviors."

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Transcript

54. The Elements of Dignity: UNDERSTANDING and ACCOUNTABILITY

Welcome back, moms of kids who don’t come to church, and anyone else interested in making room for difference in your family and your church! Today is the last episode in my series about The Elements of Dignity. I’m going to talk about Understanding and Accountability. As I’ve mentioned before, I came across a resource called The Dignity Index. The Dignity Index is an eight-point scale that measures the level of contempt or dignity in a selected passage of speech. It was developed by UNITE, a national initiative to ease divisions, prevent violence, and solve problems. Speaking of the Utah Pilot Project, University of Utah President Taylor Randall said, “The Dignity Index relies on one of the most ancient tools for social change in the history of human beings – conscience. When we see how often we use contempt and how harmful it is, we see we’re a part of the problem, and that makes us part of the solution.”

Over the past few years I am increasingly aware of the moments I allow contempt to come into my interactions with other people. Today I’m going to ask you to consider ways you might be doing the same and contributing to the problem in your family relationships. I do not want you to take this information and use it to punch yourself in the face and feel bad about yourself. I do want you to use this information to identify ways you can be part of the solution. I want you to live in your relationships from that empowered place where you can make a difference, even if the only thing that really changes is you. Don’t underestimate how powerful that can be. Today I’m wrapping things up with the last two elements of dignity–understanding and accountability–and asking you once again to reflect on how you can implement them in your relationship with your kids who don’t come to church.

Donna Hicks, the author of Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict created this list of The 10 Elements of Dignity, the last two of which are understanding and accountability.

UNDERSTANDING
“Believe that what others think matters. Give them the chance to explain and express their points of view. Actively listen in order to understand them.”

This one can be really challenging in our role as parent. We have a responsibility to teach our children. More and more I’ve come to see that the information exchanged is less important than the way I have lived and treated them. That just means that now I am better able to keep my opinion to myself unless it’s asked for, or at least ask for permission before sharing. Described in this way, I think understanding may be the element of dignity that I have worked on the most. I still have plenty of work to do, but I am making progress. Coming to believe that what others think matters has been the key. If I really believe that what my kids think matters, then I am more willing to listen to them in order to understand them. I’m not trying to find out what they think so I can change it. I’m trying to find out what they think as a way of knowing them better. I don’t have to prove I’m right, even if I think I’m right. I build the relationship when I listen to their viewpoint, learn about their experience, and love them right on through.

ACCOUNTABILITY
“Take responsibility for your actions. If you have violated the dignity of another person, apologize. Make a commitment to change your hurtful behaviors.”

For whatever reason, I am thinking of a time a few years ago when I offered some feedback to a woman at church about how she was handling her calling. I told myself that I had information that she might not be aware of, but if I’m honest about it, I had other self-serving motives. And I could feel in my body that I wasn’t acting completely in good faith. But I called her aside and shared my thoughts privately with her. She told me afterward that she felt like she had been called into the principal’s office. She also told me information that I was not aware of that had informed her decisions as a leader. I apologized for upsetting her, but I was really not self-aware in that moment. That all happened in person. It took a couple of days of thinking about what her experience of me had been in those interactions before I saw more clearly what I had done wrong and what my motives had truly been. I wasn’t going to have a good opportunity to talk with her soon, so I decided to send her an email with the subject line: “I need a do-over.” And then I gave her a real apology that I had caught her up in whatever had been going on for me inside. It felt really clean, whatever her reaction might be. In this case, she wrote back a gracious message telling me I was forgiven and I needn’t think of it again. But the beautiful thing is that I think about it often. I think about how I don’t always see myself clearly and sometimes need to reconsider my impact on other people. I think about how directly my friend challenged my approach without belittling me as a person. She did not let me off the hook or excuse me at all. She was honest with me about the impact I had made on her. That was crucial to my further self-reflection, and was actually an act of intimacy, inviting me to deal in a shared reality instead of in the image of myself that I was holding up for myself. I want to be someone the people closest to me can share their reality with. And I think about how beautiful it is both to be forgiven and to forgive with a generous heart as my friend did.

Before I sign off today, let’s quickly review the list of all ten elements of dignity and their definitions:

One last time, here’s a quick rundown of the list of all 10 that I discuss on this and previous episodes of No Empty Chairs:

ACCEPTING DIGNITY
Approach people as being neither inferior nor superior to you. Give others the freedom to
express their authentic selves without fear of being negatively judged. Interact without prejudice or bias, accepting the ways in which race, religion, ethnicity, gender, class, age, and disability may be at the core of other people’s identities. Assume that others have integrity.
INCLUSION
Make others feel that they belong, whatever the relationship – whether they are in your family, community, organization, or nation.
SAFETY
Put people at ease at two levels: physically, so they feel safe from bodily harm, and psychologically, so they feel safe from being humiliated. Help them to feel free to speak without fear of retribution.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Give people your full attention by listening, hearing, validating, and responding to their concerns, feelings, and experiences.
INDEPENDENCE
Encourage people to act on their own behalf so that they feel in control of their lives and experience a sense of hope and possibility.
RECOGNITION
Validate others for their talents, hard work, thoughtfulness, and help. Be generous with praise, and show appreciation and gratitude to others for their contributions and ideas.
FAIRNESS
Treat people justly, with equality, and in an evenhanded way according to agreed-on laws and rules. People feel that you have honored their dignity when you treat them without discrimination or injustice.
BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
Treat people as trustworthy. Start with the premise that others have good motives and are acting with integrity.
UNDERSTANDING
Believe that what others think matters. Give them the chance to explain and express their points of view. Actively listen in order to understand them.
ACCOUNTABILITY
Take responsibility for your actions. If you have violated the dignity of another person, apologize.
Make a commitment to change your hurtful behaviors.

And remember, there are no empty chairs.