Don't wake the baby!
Unwind on sleepless nights to a wholesome mix of parenting stories, quirky humour, and cosy crafting. A fun, honest and unscripted conversation between Emma and Elliot on non-judgemental parenting life: sit with us in the blanket fort and join the discussion! We’re not here to provide answers but to share our experiences and explore how parenting has changed. A topical PodCraft, based in Yorkshire, hand-crafted by parents... Relax, enjoy, and be part of the community.
Don't wake the baby!
NHS Stress | Parents discuss second pregnancy journey
How do you keep calm during pregnancy when there are complications? A mix of light-hearted fun and an honest look at some realities of parenting struggles and deeper topics that are less commonly discussed. This is the one where Emma and Elliot share their story so far through their second pregnancy, including NHS mess-ups, dad's taking on more responsibility, hospital visits, and how they coped with a week of stressful waiting for medical test results [trigger warning for anyone who's had complications in pregnancy]
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Unwind on sleepless nights to a wholesome mix of parenting stories, quirky humour, and cosy crafting. We’re not here to provide answers but to share our experiences, explore how parenting has changed, and build an online community of parents for mutual support.
A fun, honest and unscripted conversation between Emma and Elliot on non-judgemental parenting and millennial-based topics, as we relax on an evening attempting an artistic or creative activity.
We are a project in partnership with The Kairos Movement and supported by The Methodist Church, of which The Kairos Movement is a part.
So, Hungry Chops, what are we chatting about today? We are discussing how our pregnancy journey has gone so far.
This episode is called NHS Stress.
Right, well, welcome back to the Blanket Fort for episode something or other, um, of Don't Wake the Baby. This is the show where we chat all about pregnancy. Kids, just in real life, we don't really have anything else to talk about. Oh, we don't really. All our interests have faded and gone. So, as we do with other parents, we meet up and chat about our children and what's going on in our lives.
It's why we struggle to talk to people without kids, and it's not their fault. We're just too uninteresting now. We're like, we've got nothing in common. We don't go out. We go out to a child friendly venue. So we're, we're having our usual conversation with the microphones so you can join in with us and follow along with our story and journey.
I'm Elliot, I'm your host with a script and with me as always is my wife Emma, your host who's improvising. I never have a script. We like to share a little factoid near the beginning. What's your favourite genre of music Emma? Probably soft rock. Most millennials, we have grown up with Green Day and Nickelback and I know some people might not call them soft rock.
Whereas you are slightly, as he's mentioned, previously younger than me. I don't, and you just didn't listen to music growing up really. I have a bit of an odd relationship with music. Um, like, my parents aren't really that into it. It took a long time before I was exposed to any sort of music. So, um, I mean, you would describe my music taste as just, you know, sad songs.
Sad songs, yeah. I would say I'm into kind of acoustic, indie, chilled, um, alternative music. Yeah, but all that's sad, none of it's happy. Not lively. No. Just, you know, nice and emotional, heart wrenching, kind of soul crushing. Yeah, it's very pleasant. Yeah, lovely. I just, it's got so much nostalgia for me.
Ding a ding! Ding ding ding bong! It's parenting achievement time! What level parenting? thing have you unlocked this week? It's our segment of the show where we share funny stories or just relatable things that are going on with our toddler. This last weekend me and my sister Kirsty went down to London to go see Spirited Away.
Um, if people don't know what that is, it's a Studio Ghibli anime, anime that's been made into a play at the Coliseum. It was very good. Very good. Highly recommend. That was on Sunday. Yeah. You went down just for the day. Yeah. Because we didn't want to stay over night because, you know, we've got kids. Yeah.
People off work. I mean, so I was, uh, left on childcare duty. That's a bad expression. I really hate it when people say that. I was, uh, solo parenting. You were left in charge, yeah. As dad with the kids. It's not childcare because, you know, I'm a dad. One of them wasn't yours. But one of them was. Yes, but it's still parenting.
And so I had the fun and games of trying to keep um, a one year old and a three year old entertained all day, which, you know, was, went pretty successfully, really. Yeah, we were very impressed. He got them both to bed in fairly good time. I thought that would be the best part of the story to tell, would be the, the bedtime, where I had that moment where I was like, how am I going to put two Both of which want their mums.
Yeah. They don't want me. No. Um, and I've got to get them both to sleep. And I was like, this is when I really feel for single parents. Yeah. Because I was like, how? Until I got to the moment, I was, I hadn't really considered. I can't be in the two different bedrooms with them at the same time, so do we stagger it?
And how does that work? So I took them both upstairs to put Sophie down to sleep first, thinking as the younger one Lily could sit with us and I could look after her, but that, that didn't work at all. Sophie's very, uh, playful at bedtime, and it's not the easiest to go to sleep. Not her fault, but you know, just, just.
And I think you, you made the naïve thing where you thought younger children go to sleep easier. Yeah, big mistake. In fact, I think it's the opposite. So yeah, then we went back downstairs. Um, I suppose this doesn't make much sense, does it? We've got a bedroom on the top floor. So there's like three levels to the house, basically.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, and so they weren't disturbing each other in the night. They were in different rooms. Yes. So we went to Lily's bedroom, and uh, I was trying to get her to sleep. So I ended up in this peculiar situation, um, Lily has a floor bed, um, and she wanted me, as she often does, to lie beside her and sleep with her as she goes to sleep.
So I ended up in this very peculiar situation where I was lying kind of crookedly, half on, half off the bed, with Sophie kind of between my legs, kind of, trying to hold her up and comfort her there with, you know, I was holding in my hand one mobile phone which was playing Thomas the Tank Engine. For Sophie, yeah.
And she was sat there quite happily thinking, thinking that I was just. Watching it with her, yeah. Just there for her watching Thomas, and then the top half of my body on the bed trying to huggle Lily, so I had my arm round her and she was laid on me. Holding another phone that was playing Little Bear on YouTube.
And she thought I was there, so I was like, this is so uncomfortable. Um, but it worked. You're like an octopus. Yeah, yeah. I was like, I was sat there thinking like, what have I got myself into? I remember we were on the train on the way back and Kirsty and I were discussing like, oh, do we think you'll get them to bed?
But Kirsty was very impressed because no, none of the, none of the grandparents have ever gone to sleep successfully. The only other person who has was me. Yeah. When she came a last time. So we were teasing him then saying it's rather dangerous. We realised we can leave him with both children and he can survive and the children are fine.
So really you've done too good a job. I know. Because we can go away again now. And then though, the problem was you came back. Yeah. And on the Monday, Lily was in a mood with you. And I said, I said to her, I said she's going to be in a bad mood tomorrow. The morning she was fine. But at night time. I'm. Hoar.
Yeah. She was putting me through it. You were in the bad books. I was in the bad books. To be fair, she was just Yeah, she wasn't, it wasn't like she was happy with me. She just, I think the stress of you being away for a day. Yeah. Um, she'd used up all her patience. I think it's how we often describe it. I think she'd been so good with me the previous day, helping look after Sophie and being patient all day, even though she couldn't have up my full attention and coping with being sad that you were away.
Yeah. Monday she was just like, that's it, I've, I've crossed a threshold. We always describe it, it's like a currency, um, patience and good behaviour. You can only spend so much of it, and then you're out. Yeah, um, and we were asking some of our podcast listeners, um, do they have this experience, and some did.
Your sister Becky in France, um, was saying she gets the silent treatment. Yeah, that would be preferable. Yeah, we don't get that. We had like a full on meltdown at bedtime. And I can honestly say, because she's not one, she does have tantrums, but not to that extent. Yeah. Because I was putting in the group, it's probably been over six months to a year since she's had such a bad tantrum like that.
Yeah, it took us back to the days where we went through, um, if you're a long time listener, our naked phase, where she refused to wear any clothes. Yeah. Um, and it was very similar to that, where she was just in a rage and scream. Yeah, about anything. Yeah, and I had to basically restrain her, because, like.
But there we go, there's our, our kind of, uh, parenting failed thing for this week. I mean, some of it was a success, but within it, there were moments that went downhill and were just, we were sat there going, what have we done? What have we were both quite patient, because she hasn't had such a bad tantrum in such a long time.
We both found it quite funny. Yeah. We were both looking at each other laughing. Like what are we going to do? Sometimes in the moment you have to, don't you? I feel like that's the ethos of our podcast here. It's just laughing in the face of adversity. There we go. We'd love to hear your stories. Is this a relatable experience?
Do you have a parenting fail this week? What achievement have you unlocked? Write into the podcast or whatever. I don't know what you do. Don't send us a message. Write in, it sounds like they're going to send us a letter. I know. I mean, you don't know our address. But you can try and do that if you like.
Keep singing those nursery rhymes to your baby and let's jump into our conversation that's coming to you in your little ears today. So this is a bit of an unusual one for us in the sense that we often discuss topics looking back retrospectively and doing things that have passed. And this is a strange one where it's a bit of a live topic for us.
It's what we're going through right now. And we're gonna chat about it and give you an update on where we are. Um, we're basically gonna only cover the first half of pregnancy. Yeah. Um, because so much happened in that period that as we were going through it, we thought that this has got to be a podcast episode.
Yeah, true. It does mean that, um, you want to be a little coy about some stuff. Yeah. Because we're a little nervous, like, it is a live topic that we're discussing. And that, you know, it's a live topic. Basically, I don't want to, you know, what do you call it? Count your eggs before they're hatched? Yeah, jinx it.
Yeah. If people don't know, I'm also quite superstitious. Ellie can tell people about this. I find it quite funny, really. I find it funny. I'm very not superstitious. No. Well, you wouldn't think I would be, but I'm very practical in most things. So this is completely a side topic. If we buy new baby clothes, I don't like to touch them till the baby's born.
But it's weird old baby clothes that are Lily's old ones I have no problem with because I feel like, well, we bought them for Lily, so it doesn't matter. It's a weird sense of logic. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, and also possibly I think maybe it's good to say up front like a trigger warning. Um, we might be discussing or touching on Some things that are possibly sensitive to people if you've had complications in pregnancy.
Yeah, true. And so just to be aware of that as we go into this conversation. We'll come on to the kind of chronological journey in a second, um, but I think we'll approach this kind of Things slightly differently, maybe, and start with, uh, how are you finding it, Emma? What, do you have any initial thoughts on what it's like this time round?
I would say it's much harder than last time. But also, it's gone much quicker. And at the point we are now, I'm quite relaxed. We're, I mean, again, it's why we're doing it now. I think you're in that period of pregnancy where you're coping best. Yes, yeah. Um. I think it may go down, downhill again. Oh yeah, now we're in the final stretch.
I remember last time it going downhill pretty quickly. Not in that we had terrible problems, just, well we did have some problems, but it was more Difficult to cope with. You just get bigger and bigger. Yeah, yeah. And it gets harder to sleep and just do things. So yes. Okay. But what about like changes with your body and anything like that?
Like how are you finding it? I'm definitely bigger this time around. Not necessarily bump wise, but I've definitely just put on more weight altogether. Yeah. I think your bump's bigger. Definitely you showed quicker. Yeah, I showed a lot quicker. I think that's a very common thing, isn't is, yeah. And also, I don't know, maybe you can tell me if you've had a C section.
I feel like most of my muscles down there are gone. So I think it showed pretty quick. I've heard other mums say that as well, yeah. So, yeah. It was very hard to hide this time around. A, we're not in a lockdown. But B, I was shown pretty quickly. But I'd say, overall, I think I'm feeling positive at the minute.
Yeah. At the minute, I'm pretty happy. Bye! I'm not in terrible pain with my back or anything yet. Yeah. I did have back pain earlier on, but now I've just tried looking after myself a bit better. And it turns out if you try not to do as many bendy things, your back generally does a lot better. Okay, then.
Well, shall we jump back to the start of the conversation? Yes. I've just said I'm feeling a lot better, but I'm getting a bit uncomfortable. So I'm just going to move around in my little seats. Bleh. Ah. There we go, that's better. Um, so let's jump back to, uh, the start of the kind of story. Yeah. And, um, go from being positive now back into some of the darker moments.
Some of the stress. Yeah. If you're interested, I think, you know, the beginning of the story we basically covered in our episode about preparing for our second baby. Yeah. Um, that episode's called Second Time Parents and we chatted about in that episode, um, Um, about our decision about getting pregnant and things like that.
So we've covered a little bit there, um, about some of the challenges and complications in that sense. Um, but then once you were pregnant, I suppose initially, I've got notes down here that, um, your kind of morning sickness came on very quickly. Very quickly, yeah. Um, and you kind of had very similar aversions.
Yeah, this is when it was kind of copy and paste. I had the same And most people say They've not had the same aversions in both pregnancies, but then the people I've talked to normally have had two different genders. Right. So I wonder if people have had the same gender, did you have similar Symptoms.
Yeah. So my thing once again, I always go off milk. Yeah. Sausages. Yeah. Bacon. Was there anything else? Cheese, I didn't really like either. Yeah. They're all the ones I have at the start that I can't really eat. Yeah. Oh, interestingly, I still, I still can't eat sausages at this point. You were, uh, far more laid back this time.
Yes, yeah. Um, I think it's often a common thing. Yeah. That happens, isn't it? You've kind of been through it once before, so some of your Kind of rule following about food eating and stuff a bit more relaxed about like last time I refused to have takeaways Yeah, um, basically any cooked. Yeah, any outside food that I hadn't cooked.
I wouldn't have I've been a lot more laid back about it this time. Don't worry about that at all. Probably why I've put on more weight, you know And that's where my nickname for you has emerged from. If you don't know, first time round, we've done an episode in the past on the first time pregnancy and last time, uh, you had the nickname Big Belly Beast.
Big Belly Beast. He's lovely with his name, isn't he? I'm a typical dad, aren't I? I come up with, like, rather insulting names. He's lucky I'm the kind of person I am, I didn't mind. This time round, your nickname has been Hungry Chops. Yeah, I've been I've been constantly starving. As per the start of this episode.
Yeah. Um, yeah, you've, uh, you've been eating a ton. Ton. Yeah, like. There was one point last week, I say last week, could have been two weeks ago. It's like nine o'clock at night and you know, I was like, you know what? I'm still starving, so I had to go down and make myself a toasty. So I sat in bed eating like a cheese toasty at like, 10 o'clock at night or something.
Hmm. Um, despite being more relaxed, you've also been, I think, more worried about the baby, in the sense that Yeah. I think We went very early and went and had a private scan in Leeds. We did. Um, uh, a space that specialised in doing very early baby scans, um, before we were able to have an NHS scan. Yeah.
There was no reason for it. Oh, there was no reason. Other than you wanted to be reassured that the baby was there. I was like, I just want to see, the poem is. Once, I think when you've got another child, I wanted to be very like, on it knowing what was happening before, and we didn't tell Lily for a long time because she's a blabbermouth, but I wanted kind of to know where we were standing before even thinking about how do we tell her and when do we tell her.
Mm hmm, mm hmm. And I think also, you just see so much in line about people having early losses, it makes you kind of paranoid. So, yeah. I was like, uh, I literally just said, I'm paying for an early scan. Um, it wasn't a discussion. I was like, this is what we're doing. I found a place. I didn't really agree with it.
I thought it was a waste of money. You know, I think you, you, it's gone to your head a bit after last time we had so much success having a private scan and you realised how easy nice they are as well. Yeah, and that we couldn't afford it. Yeah, and we're better off now than we were then. This prompt once you've lived a high life.
I like a private scan. Yeah Yeah, I'd really hold her back from getting a private scan, you know. If I could I'd have one every month. I'm being honest. Yeah Dear, deary dear. Um, a few other little bits early on before we get into some of the the bigger stories Lily actually kind of early on was eating a lot better now that you could have like glutinous food so you could have the same meals and that really helped us with getting lily to To eat stuff because she's like mommy.
Yeah, and at the minute she loves saying we're both hungry monkeys Um because she's been like in our past two weeks She goes on and off but she's been like in a really growth spurt growth spurt phase So me and her just sit and we just talk I just love eating like hummus with breadsticks and all. She goes, Mummy, are you a hungry monkey?
I'm a hungry monkey. I'm like, yeah, I'm a hungry monkey too. What should we have? So we've been having a lovely time together. And she's been copying you. So she was going around with a fake cough and going around pretending to be sick. This one I really thought people were going to know quickly. It's been really hard to hide it this time.
I mean, we, yeah, last time it was during lockdown and COVID and We really liked that we could hide it from the world. Yeah. And this time that's not really been possible. But I remember somebody at nursery, um, we weren't that far along, was like, Are you, um, expecting? And I was like, yeah, yeah, we are, we're trying not to make it too public.
Yeah, they were really nice about it. They're like, oh yeah, we just wondered why she was pretending to throw up all the time. And then they kind of put together, Oh. Yeah. Or didn't she also go around and put like a cushion under her top? Oh, do you know what? She was putting like a jumper under her top to be a bump.
Yeah. Oh yeah. She was showing a lot of, a lot of things that showed that maybe someone was pregnant at home. Yeah. I suppose to some extent people might think that this episode is, is all about you, but as a couple, like as a parenting couple, we do go through this experience together. Oh yeah. And like, we try and share a lot of stuff.
Um, and I know a lot of. Mums often say it's harder the second time round because, you know, you have a, often a toddler you've got to look after as well and you can't get as much naps and stuff. Yep. I mean, a lot of that just falls on me. So I, basically, I've picked up the slack and Emma's, I don't know that it's a lot different to her first pregnancy.
I think the only difference is you have a demanding child that comes and wakes you up. Yeah, well no, I, I get, uh, I get to a point where I like, I can't, I've had enough now and I tell Lily, go and wake Emma up. She's had three hours nap. Recently though, Yeah. I'm doing very well, I haven't had hardly any naps.
True, you're doing better, doing better. Um, but yeah. I would say I've still had naps. Yeah. I, and because she's at nursery more now, it hasn't been too bad really. Well, this is the thing though, this is what's been really challenging. We, the, the first couple of months, um, that you were pregnant. Yeah. Was a real challenge for us.
And for me, it was, It was, picking up the slack in the house. Because I couldn't really go in the kitchen. I would do all the cooking again. Yeah. And I'd do, I mean, I always do all the washing and stuff. Yeah, he's, he's chief washing person. I was now, like, you'd go to bed early, so I would do both. Like, um, Bedtime and cleaning.
Which is normally one of us does bedtime, one of us does clean up. So that made me more tired anyway, and I know you're tired as well. I'm not taking away from that, but No, it's okay. It did, it did coincide though with our nanny who's changed jobs and so has left us unfortunately. And so we were a day of child care down.
We were. So Lily was only in nursery two days a week. Yep. Um, your dad had gone, uh, to help one of your sisters move house. Yep, that was another day gone. And now he's gone to France to help Becky with a new baby. Um, so we were down to, uh, basically I was doing child care three days a week. Um, trying to fit full time working around that.
Yeah. We were napping and tired. And so it was just, yeah, it was. It was hard. I did not like that. Eventually we got Lily in another day on nursery. And hopefully from September she'll be in another day as well. Yeah. So we've, we've kind of slowly got back on. So I, you know, I was struggling with work. Like I was staying up till past midnight every night trying to catch up with work.
Yeah. And then was up early with Lily and doing childcare and. Yeah. And then I feel like we weren't even spending any time together. No, I've barely seen you, barely seen you because, uh, later on in pregnancy you've got bigger, you've got all your pillows. I basically, I've, I've left, so I'm sleeping in a different room.
He's sleeping in the top room. So we don't, we don't sleep in the same bed anymore. Yeah, I barely see you anymore. So it's good to have these podcast conversations. I've tried to make a point now, I've always given you a kiss goodnight now because I felt like that would be nice and affectionate. Aww, you're sweet.
I know. Well, I was like, I just keep going, right, I'll see ya! Yeah, I'm like, Mama's off for a sleep again. Off for a nap. Just basically, her entire lives, Mama's either sleeping or on the toilet. Yeah. It's if, if, if Lily doesn't know where I am, she always goes, Mummy, you on the toilet again? I'm like, yeah, I am.
She doesn't seem to understand. She was trying to explain to me, she went, Why are you always on the toilet? I was like, well, Mummy has to do a wee a lot more. She went, is it because the baby wee's in you? I went, yeah. Kind of basically what's happening. But I mean, that doesn't actually come out of me. But she, she found it very funny.
Yeah, I know it's difficult. You know, I work from home and yeah, not most men couldn't be there You're not in the house, then it's very difficult But like I do think a lot of men I would encourage them say you do need to pick up more of the slack I do not think it's fair that so much people Get very sick like I do early on it makes it very hard to just go in the kitchen.
Yeah, like If I came in the kitchen and here's someone going like And he'd be like get out the kitchen. I'm like, I'm sorry. I was just just getting it. Yeah, it's even like If people know like, uh, coat hangers are in the kitchen, so you want to get a coat, anything you need to get is in the kitchen. So I'd be like, I was lingering by the kitchen door being like, could you just, while you're in there, could you just get this thing from the kitchen, please?
Enough of sickness. Yeah, enough. Men do better. Yeah. Or women, don't, don't let them get away with doing nothing. Yeah. My midwives always love me. They're always like, so who does that? I'm like, well my husband does that. Yeah. Why would I be putting myself at risk at this point? Yeah. Like you, you, as soon as you were pregnant you stopped carrying Lily.
Yeah. So I would have to carry her everywhere. I'm I was very much like, I can't carry you anymore. And this is, it was really hard because I couldn't say it's because I've got a baby in my tummy. Yeah. I just had to be like, oh, mummy's a bit poorly right now, so she can't carry you.
This podcast is brought to you by the Kairos Movement. Sound like an old wizard. Yeah, this is a segment of, uh, the episode where we just kind of explain a little bit about why we do the show and just an encouragement to get involved. Um, it's an ongoing conversation. We'd love to hear back from you. We don't want to be just speaking into the void.
We'd love this to be, um, you know, a community. Whether our experiences resonate with you or if we're just weirdos, let us know. How can people get involved, Emma? They can either contact us on our Facebook. Group? Sorry. Oh, you know, there's like pages and groups and things. It's a group, right? There's a group, yeah.
It's a group. We also have Spotify. Yeah, I mean, they can't contact us through that. Uh, yeah, you can put comments now though. Oh, yeah, true. And we also have You can tell Emma doesn't normally do this bit. I'm like, come on, Emma. I've also got How do people get in touch? I've also got baby brain. I really can't remember what it's called.
Um, the thing that I like. The thing you like. Discord. Discord. We love discord. Which has nobody on but me and him at the minute, so. Yeah, if you want a very intimate conversation. Intimate conversation with us, there's only us two there. Or if you want a bigger community, our Facebook group chat. Yeah. Um, we're throwing out a lot of options here, but basically go, go anywhere, wherever you prefer.
YouTube, Instagram. You'll find us. At don't wake the baby underscore podcast. But if you're going to do one thing and one thing only, what should they do? Um, I think you should share this episode with a friend. Yeah. If you have a friend who's pregnant, or ha or something, I don't know, is a parent. Yeah, has kids.
Then send them the episode. Go for it. That's your one, one. One job. That's your homework for today. And uh, why do we do the show? Well, we do it because it's a lot of fun. And, you know. We enjoy it. Yeah. Um, and we are supported in doing it by the Methodist Church. Um, because, you know, I work for the Methodist Church.
I'm a volunteer. Uh, we're, we're involved. We're involved with the Kairos movement. And, uh, yeah, we're, we're Christians. We're a bit wacky. We're very liberal. Quite interesting. You touched on earlier about Superstitions. Superstitions. Again, very interesting topic, isn't it? You could do a whole episode on that.
But yeah, how does our faith affect how we parent? Don't know. Could be, could be interesting. Right, well, uh, let's get back to it. That's, that's it. Um, if you want to find out more, have a look at our website and, uh, you can find everything there. www. kairosmovement. org. uk forward slash Don't wait the baby.
So the first, um, six weeks of our pregnancy, was quite an interesting experience. Yeah. To say the least. Stressful in many ways. Yeah. In, in various capacities, uh, and we'll touch on some more than others. This is where it gets, uh, more to do with the NHS and gets a bit more personal. Um, so initially, We, you found out you're pregnant and you, what do you do initially?
So it depends on your trust. Um, okay. With ours, you literally go on the Harrogate Hospital website. You say, you basically sign yourself up, you put in all your details. When was your last period? When was your positive pregnancy test? And all, basically your medical history. Have you had a child before? Was it a c section?
Blah de blah de blah. So I did all that, and then they send you an email saying, great, you're on the system, you should get a letter within so many weeks about your first appointment. Right. And our issue was, after doing all this, we were lost from the system. Yeah. Some reason. Some reason. There was a big failing.
And they never got in touch with us ever again. Basically. But my plan was, because I said, oh, it can be within so many weeks. I was like, oh, well, you know. It's not past that point in weeks yet. And we know, we know the NHS is stretched. And I thought maybe there's a lot of people who are pregnant at the same time and they just haven't got round to me yet.
We know the admin organisation can be a weaker point of, you know, and so we kind of just sat on it for a long time. We didn't worry particularly. Um, and I would say, We do like the NHS, but it is a shame that pretty much every time we sit down to have a conversation there's some frustration or something that's gone wrong with the NHS and it's, it's a shame, but it is the reality of the situation we're in.
So we're not bashing them for no reason, but it didn't work. So, um, in the end, we didn't get any contact from them until nine weeks? Yeah. Which is way past when they should have been. Because the problem is, they have to give you an appointment. For, well, you've gotta have your blood tests done before, no 12 weeks.
Mm-Hmm. You have to have your first time out 12 weeks. And you should have those appointments at least a month in advance. Yeah. Because you need to know when to go . Yeah. And even like the conversation with people to make sure, sure, yeah. You're gonna have daily conversations taking whatever, folic acid or whatever.
Yeah. Yeah. And you might have a lot of things about like, what would you like for this pregnancy? What are you expecting? Do you have any symptoms that you don't think are normal? So you meant to have like a talk on the phone, which we did have last time. This time we had no, no talk. So we ended up basically having nothing for about 12 weeks.
And then suddenly we had everything happened at once. And this is only because we had a bit of drama before that. Yeah, so it must have been around nine weeks. Yes. You had some bleeding. I had some bleeding. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough every day I was in pregnancy to worry me. Yeah. And I was like, right.
It was stressful, you know, and this system Already with the NHS Radio with me. It was terrible. I've got a note here on my notes from the time saying the apps didn't work, the website didn't work, the password didn't work, then you had to go through a stupid system through the doctors. If you're under, if you're under, is it 20 weeks, something like that, you, you can't just go, you can't just ring up the hospital and say I need to come in.
You can't just turn up. Can't just turn up. You have to ask the doctor to recommend to the hospital that you go in. Yeah. And our big issue was, a lot of this would have been easier if we'd had first contact and you were set up on the app. What's the app called? Badger. Badger Notes. Or if I had been given a community midwife at that point, I have a point of contact.
Yeah. But at this point, you had no We had no contacts. We had no one to talk to. Yeah. And also, I was like, do you know how hard it is to get through to a doctor to say, please, can you send me a thing so I can go to hospital? Yeah. Like If you're not in England right now. Yeah. Getting a doctor's appointment is impossible.
Um, so what I did in the end, I was kind of sneaky. Because our doctor's has a online thing and you can put in your symptoms. And I basically put in it. Please refer me to this ward at the hospital. I've had some bleeding. I'm this many weeks pregnant. I don't want to have to have an appointment with you for you to send me there.
Because that's just wasting our time. I mean, and you're having to do all this off your own back. It's difficult and stressful. On top of the fact that we're there sat worried that you've had a miscarriage. Exactly. Luckily, the woman was lovely. Dr. Coleman of course, I will send you and she said, what, why have you done this?
And I said, well, it says and she went so that you can't call the hospital. I was like, no I'm not allowed to call the ward. You have to send me there and she was like, oh and even she went Well, that seems like a ridiculous system and I was like, it is a ridiculous system, but if you could do that So she was very good and I think they got us in was it the next day?
Yeah, they were that was good. She was a good doctor. She sought it out. Yeah, and so we went to the EPU is that right? Yes early pregnancy assessment unit. Yeah, and that was quite stressful because And I know why they do it. I'm not saying it's bad. But when you sit in your little seat, all around you is basically a thing about babies dying and how to deal with it.
And I was like, I don't want to see any of this right now. I'm hoping for very good news at this point. Because, I was like, I've had some bleeding, but it has stopped. I've had no further bleeding. So I was feeling a bit More positive. And then you're a very empathetic person. Oh yes. So you're sat there worried about the other people in this room.
There was another woman in this room with a man. And I was feeling a bit more confident with myself because I was like, I know with miscarriages, normally once you start bleeding, this is trigger warning for anybody who's gone through one, but normally it does stop and stop, but you wouldn't just stop.
Yeah. So I just stopped after that and not had any more bleeding. So I was feeling quite reassured in myself. Okay. There was another woman, I thought she looked really worried, and then I was sat really worried about the other woman and her husband. Because I kept thinking, oh my god, like I started thinking, I'm really stressed, they must be so stressed.
Yeah, yeah. But um, shout out to Vicky, who's a friend of ours from church and has been on the podcast before on our Christmas episode. Yeah. Her and her husband were great and they looked after Lily during the day while we went and so I could be with you And they were very nice going, oh we've had to go, like, they were very good telling their stories about if they've had to go in for anything before and, you know.
Yeah, yeah. So they were lovely. Yeah. And they were lifesavers because they took Lily so we didn't have to take her with us. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but that was fascinating because then at the end of that you'd had a scan and they confirmed everything was okay And it was nice because the other people came in smiling afterwards and I thank God they must have been okay, too So me and the woman was smiling at each other because I was like great we both you know It's gone well for both of us.
Yeah, but the the the Lady, uh, what is she, a midwife? Um, She is a midwife. was dealing with us, talking with us in the assessment unit, Um, was looking at our notes and saying, So how far along are you? The scan says you're Well, at this point, I think you were almost 12 weeks, yeah. And she was going, when's your scan booked?
Because they always add two weeks on, if people don't know. So for us, we were kind of like 10 weeks, but it was 12 in the NHS's eyes. And we were saying, we don't know when our scan is. We don't know when our scan is, we haven't had an appointment. And she was looking at us like, what? And then she goes, oh, did you, did you sign up on the system late?
I said, no. No. I signed up literally the day I found out I was pregnant. Good. Oh! She was saying, there's something wrong here. There's something not right there. This is not right. And so she, I think, contacted someone, but she told us. You need to ring up too. You need to ring up and say to them, you need to see me now.
Yeah, ASAP. Because it's going to be too late to do any tests on me. I mean, it did amuse me that basically it was another thing we had to do ourselves. Yeah. She was nice, because she was like, give them my name if they, if anybody says anything, give them my name and I'll tell them. So this is when we'd had a scan on that first day, and then basically over the next week we had scans multiple times during the week and appointments, because suddenly you got a call back from the, Uh, maternity unit workers.
No, so I called them up and I said to the woman, I said, I basically said we, we had bleed and blah, blah, blah, I'm 12 weeks pregnant. And she was like, Oh my goodness. Um, and you're not, you haven't got a scan booked in. I have nothing booked in. Literally. I said, I haven't had my first phone call. Haven't had anything.
And she did the same thing. When did you sign up? Signed up ages ago. She's like, okay, right. She checked on the system. She could see I'd signed up ages ago. Mm. She was like, I have no idea how we've missed you. I'm so sorry. Then she was running around everywhere going, can you come in today for this? Can you come in tomorrow for that?
Because you had to have your blood tests. I had to have my blood tests. You had to have your first contact meeting. Yeah. And you had to have a scan. And I had to have a community midwife appointment. Yeah. And those all happened within days of each other. And it was backwards, so we had our first 12 week scan before we had our first contact meeting.
Yeah, yeah. With a midwife. And it was hilarious because it was the same sonographer who'd seen us, like, literally two days before. Yeah, yeah. When he had to scan to see if our baby was okay. And he saw us again and you could see his face going like, it was going, They hadn't booked us in for anything.
Because I could see his face going, Why did they come two days ago? They had a scan today. And I had to be like, we weren't booked in. We've just been like, we're literally having appointment after appointment because nobody's picked us up. They, they were in a panic weren't they? They were. Because you'd slipped through the net and it could have been disastrous had we not come in.
Yeah, exactly. Um, and I think the lady you were speaking to was the head midwife. She was, she was shooing us. And she was mad. She was just like, because I kept going, oh well it's probably a computer system error. She went Somebody needs to make those appointments though. So somebody has clearly But she, yeah, cause she said someone must have put you in the system.
Yeah. But didn't click the thing to enable the things to be booked. So she was furious. Um, yeah, we got off that phone call and we were like, someone's gonna be in trouble. Yeah. So then we basically had a week of appointments just to get us caught up. Yeah. And then the stress wasn't over, so then Um, so yeah, before, there was another stress wasn't there, but before that happened, you actually went for Um, I think this is the order it happened, um, maybe you can correct me.
We went for a private blood test to find out the gender, which is something we didn't do last time, something I'd never heard of. So I wonder, yeah, I wonder how many of our listeners out there, if you know about this, that you can, you can, I mean, it is private, so you have to pay for it, but, um, from six weeks, you can have a blood test to find out the gender and it's 99.
9 percent accurate. Exactly. Yeah. Um, and I, and we were like, why wouldn't we do this? Yeah. And one, I know some people don't like know. I know. Yeah. Some people, yeah, fair enough. Do do what you do. We are not like that. We like to know to their own. We like to know . . And once again, I especially like to know, 'cause I like to give Lily certainties.
As you're having a baby sister or baby brother, like I, I was like, I want it to be clear to her because last time with the NHS, we got quite late on and they were still unsure. And I was like, I don't want to end up with that situation again. I would like us to find out a no. So there's not a lot to this story, but I just, I found it really interesting and fascinating just, you know, your blood got sent to America.
It did. And then they come back and they tell you what gender the baby is. It's really And they were really sweet at the private clinic. They were like, would you like us to call you? Like, what kind of Yeah, yeah. And I'm very blasé. So I was like, just email me. Yeah, so we found out just with an email. So she was very sweet.
She was like, da da da da, like tried to write it. And we're like, it's a girl! And I was like, oh, so much, da da da. So yes, we had, yeah, we had a private blood test.
So that was quite exciting. Part of me thinks, why isn't this just more available on the NHS? Well, what's more interesting, we'll come into this, but they gave me a test anyway later on that would have told us the gender. It's just they don't test the blood for that? No, they do. Oh, they do? They just don't tell you.
Oh right, okay. Because it'll be all that information in it. So anyway, we'll go into the next stressful bit. Yeah, so the next, the next stressful bit, um, so you had those blood tests. Had blood tests. And then we got the results. These were NHS Yeah, sorry, sorry, yes, there's two different blood tests going on here, so not the gender ones, the, the first ones you get in pregnancy.
And I thought it was odd because on the badger app it hadn't updated it. Yeah. And I was like, oh, you're getting the back in line. a couple of days. And someone got a phone call, which was horrendous. But the woman, once again, this woman was excellent at her job. We would say in the NHS as a whole, this woman deserves a raise.
She was fantastic. So she basically went, you've come back with a higher chance of Down syndrome for this child. And she basically went, These are the options available. Yeah. Do you want to come in and talk about it? And I was like, yes. Oh, was that a no? I thought we had to go in and talk about it. No, she said you could have it over the phone or in person.
And I said, I want to talk in person. Yeah, that was a good decision. Was it that day she saw us? Maybe, yeah. I think it was that day. And she basically went through the statistics of why the blood had come back this way. It's quite complicated. It is. If you've been through this before, and I know quite a few women have, it's not like really rare.
You know, getting that first blood test back as a high chance of downs does happen. Yeah. Um, and there's complicated maths involved around what that means, like the test itself is only so accurate, and then the result itself is only so accurate. Well basically, it measures certain things in your blood.
Yeah. I'm so like. I have a high hormone level, but we already knew that, but that can be a, a sign of Down syndrome. And this time round I had low Papp-A, which we're gonna do another episode on a whole episode on because that's A separate thing that needs its own thing. Yeah. Um, but basically those things together can mean It's an indicator.
It's an indicator. So it's not a But it's not The blood test isn't, wasn't a direct test for damage. Which is then what we, we went on to do. And I know, like, there's different decisions to make here, isn't there? There is. Some people just say We won't do anything. We won't do anything. We'll just wait and see.
The way she explained it to us, I think we were like one in 85 or something chance of it happening. But she said most people, which is what we did, go on to have an NPIT test, NENPIT. But I don't know. Um, which is actually like testing if there's anything in the blood which would show it actually was Down syndrome.
Yes. She said some people with those results, because it's still quite low, wouldn't bother. Yeah. Some people immediately go for, uh, Is it, is it called CV, it's like where they test the ambiotic fluid around the baby. But for me that's still quite risky. It's more invasive, isn't it? And I know it's only got 1 percent chance of miscarriage, but for me I was like I don't know if I'd risk that at that stage.
Yeah, well, I mean, we didn't get to that stage. We didn't, no. Um, you know, but, I mean, having come off the back of the last stress to then suddenly be plunged into this new stress of, you know, the difficult conversations about, you know, will our child have Down syndrome? That is a difficult kind of thing to talk about.
And would we be willing to kind of, you know, How would we deal with that? Yeah, basically in the grand scheme of things. Yeah, but she was great. She was really good She explained how blood works. She even was really good and brought up my last blood work I think that was the most helpful thing. Yeah, we actually saw that your hormone levels and things I can't remember what they were.
There were three different things weren't there that it measured And it was only two of them were abnormal. Weren't far off what you were in your last pregnancy. It's just this one tipped the scale enough. Tipped the scale, yeah. That it came back positive. And also your age plays a factor. So because I was slightly older, it automatically would come back with a higher result.
Yeah, yeah. Um, but she was really good at explaining it all and making you much calmer about the whole process. Yeah. Um. So we loved her, she was excellent. Yeah, so then you had your blood taken. Yep. And what really amused me is we had to go post it ourselves. We had to take it to a postbox, a priority postbox, and like, with a thing, vial of your blood.
Yeah. And send it off to be tested. I was like, surely the NHS could do this. And I kind of, I kind of got it because I was like, They're so busy that's gonna waste one person's time taking one package over there and it's really key you do it at the right time. Yeah. I suppose it's urgent isn't it? Yeah. But it did seem weird so I thought I'm carrying a vial of my own blood in this little box and we have to send this to another hospital to get it checked and that was a horrendous wait.
Because, of course, even though I've been told it's a low chance. Yeah, it's like two, was it two weeks, I think? Ours was a lot quicker, so it can be two weeks. I think ours was one. Just over a week? Just over a week, like one in one day. But waiting in that time, not knowing. So my way of coping, a lot of people say, did you turn to God?
No. I turned to a video game called Animal Crossing that I hadn't bought yet. But I remember thinking, I need something to keep my mind Of worrying. Yes. And to just be calm. I'd forgotten about this. I, I had to bite my tongue because it was a very expensive video game. Oh, it's like 60. Um, but I was like, it's what Emma needs right now.
It's what I need right now. So I bought it. Um, and that, that's what got me through the waiting. Anytime I was nervous I was like, I'm just gonna put Animal Crossing on and just do something with my little character. So yeah, that, honestly, if you're going through a tough time and video games help, you play those video games.
I mean, you work in the industry, so of course you're a big advocate, but you know, we're I'm just saying, whatever works for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not saying I wasn't praying every day, but I'm also saying video games also helped. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't like my one thing. I think for me. Again, we're going a bit deeper here spiritually, I suppose, but I don't know whether I'm just quite relaxed, at peace, uh, like, or have a faith, or whether it's just because I'm a broken human being, but, you know, I don't really feel things in the same way other people feel things, so I just, I'm quite happy to You know, it was stressful.
I was particularly stressed about you being married. But for me, the whole situation, you know, I just have an ethos of what will be, will be. And I kind of, you know, I know we will make decisions at some point regarding outcomes, and, you know, the waiting and the not knowing, I can cope with. Whereas I can cope with that, but I think that's because I'm quite a proactive person?
Yeah. Like, I like, this, Elliot knows this from life, I'm not patient, I like to get things done. No. I like to be organised. A word you cannot describe, Emma, is patient. Nope. It's when Lily's not patient now. But you are, I don't know, I was gonna say, are you decisive? But I don't know if you're a decisive person.
It's just, I just. You don't cope with uncertainty. No, I just like to know what I'm doing. Yeah. Um, regardless. Yeah. So, I, I didn't deal well with not knowing. Yeah. But. I mean, I don't really, it's just, I can, I can exist in that place. Yes. I can, I, I can take every day as it comes. Yeah. Um, I, I like to know what I'm doing, but.
It doesn't stress me out as much. Yeah. Yeah. But was also was great at this time. I joined a low pap A forum on Facebook. Um, and it was great cause so many people in the group had had to go through this test and most people had come back negative. So I was like, Oh, that's a different thing, but it's highly interconnected with downs.
Like the Papp-A thing is its own thing. It's own thing, but a lot of people, it's kind of, you get a false positive. Yeah. Yeah. early on. That was a horrendous wait. And then I remember we got a call just before we were doing morning prayer. And Ellie was like, what are you doing answering your phone? I was like, it's the hospital.
I have to answer. About to go live on Facebook. But then, you know, that, it was a very quick phone call. And it was just being like, it's all good news, you're fine. She's like, at this point, you don't need any more tests. Yeah. And there is, you know, like, uh, what's it called? There's never a hundred percent certainty.
And we still have the papp-A thing with us. And this is why we're not going into a lot of that in depth now. Yeah. Because we're still in pregnancy. Or we'll see what the journey takes us. You know, like we, yeah. But it's that test that could have told us the gender, but they don't. Right, okay. But in other trusts they do.
Right. So some people I know taking the test, they, they did get told the gender. Right.
Any advice or anything other people going through this journey? I would say don't worry But I think it's inevitable or the worst thing to do which I knew was to stress because I thought that's just not good for The baby. Yeah, it's not good for me. And that's when I was like, I need a good distraction But I also was really think that I tried not to watch any media with babies in So like, the big bang theory, I had to stop before Bernadette got pregnant.
Like, I had to be very mindful of being like, Well, that might have something that upsets me. So let's only look at things. Suddenly being very aware of all the triggers. Yeah. And I thought, it must be so hard if you do go through something. Because It's everywhere. Like, Yeah. And we had to, we had to call a lot of stuff off.
Like, Yeah. There were things we did because I, I, and it was difficult because people didn't know we were pregnant. And we didn't really want to tell people, yet we were going through this. Yeah, true. Um, and so I had to be a little sensitive with some meetings and things, some stuff we were doing together.
Yeah, yeah. Where I was like, I'm sorry, we, we can't do this anymore because we're, we're struggling at the moment. We're going through something personal and, you know, we're not able to do that right now. We were gonna do a Just not to commit to things. We were gonna do a podcast episode with a guest and we had to call that off because we, we were not in the mindset to be able to record at that stage.
It was just very difficult for us. Um, and yeah, just being able to go through life and, you know, not really be able to tell people and talk to people. But I want to say, after that point, our pregnancy has gone very smooth. Yeah, since then it's got better. Like we say, we've managed to get nursery stuff back on track and so it's taken the pressure off us a little bit and like your, the health stuff's gone smoother, you've coped better.
The other thing you did during this time was, uh, you took your driving test. I did, to my stress. Yeah. What fun. I did pass, but I also threw up straight after. I stopped, ended the driving test, and I was like, I'm so sorry, can I just get out of the car for a second? And the woman was like, yeah, that's fine, got out, threw up.
And she went, oh, is it nerves? I know people get so nervous. And I was like, now I'm pregnant. And she was like, oh my goodness. And then of course, um, you've passed your driving test, but now you're heavily pregnant. And so not driving. Um, there's a lot of good that is probably likely going to be quite a while until you drive again.
Because I'll have a C section this time. You'll have forgotten everything. I said I'm going to have to have little lessons again I think. That's perfect. But at least I passed. Another complaint from me while we're on a list of complaints. Uh, moaning from Baba over here. Is it about me? Yes, yes it is about you.
That is right. Um, someone had been stealing my pants. Oh, yeah to name names. It's the woman sat opposite me Yeah, it's well man. I already steal his socks He just want more and he went so I see we're now sharing all our underwear and I was like You're like mine don't fit me anymore and they're not very comfortable.
Yeah Um, so then we had to go Primark. So we've bought em a new man's pants Yeah, loads of boxes because they're so comfortable So, um, Theoretically, no longer stealing my pants, although I do occasionally notice. Unless I run out. Yeah.
Oh dear, there we go. It's true. Thank you so much for joining us in the blanket fort today. You have successfully reached the end of the episode. Well done, gold star. I hope you've enjoyed this, uh, this, this one. It's a bit more stressful. If you found it stressful, I apologise. Well, I'm sorry if it's I want to encourage you, the rest of our pregnancy has gone really, really calm.
I mean, we always, you know, we like to share the honest reality of parenthood, and this is a story that we felt like was important to kind of highlight. And you see, no, you don't see us, um. Listen to us, hear us. Smell you next time, uh, God bless, sleep well. Yeah, don't wake the baby.
