E21: How To Support A Dad After Pregnancy Or Baby Loss

Silence can feel like the “safe” choice after pregnancy or baby loss, but for many bereaved dads it becomes a cage. When people avoid the topic, minimize miscarriage, or freeze up around stillbirth, TFMR, neonatal death, or infant loss, the message lands hard: your grief doesn’t belong here. 

This episode speaks directly to the friends, family, co-workers, faith leaders, and community members who want to support a grieving father but aren’t sure what to do.

I talk about why so many dads want to be seen as a father even when their child isn’t here to introduce. I share what it’s like when a casual comment forces a split-second decision between honesty and protecting everyone from discomfort, and why many men choose silence. I also unpack the obstacles that keep fathers quiet: cultural expectations about masculinity, fear of judgment, the unique stigma around TFMR, and the dismissive way miscarriage is too often treated.

You’ll learn what emotional and psychological safety actually looks like, why disenfranchised grief matters, what research suggests about fathers’ mental health, and how to check in without trying to fix or explain away the loss. 

If you want to be the kind of supporter who makes room for grief and for life again, this one is for you.

If this resonates, follow the podcast, leave a review, and share it with someone who wants to show up well for a bereaved dad.

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SUPPORT PATHWAY

If you are a bereaved dad who's struggling to cope with baby loss and you'd like to talk one-on-one, let's have a FREE private 30-minute conversation. 

Go to dadalways.com for more information. 

PEER-SUPPORT

Black Dads in Loss Support Group

Dads in Loss Support Group

For a list of other support groups through Postpartum Support International click here.

THEME MUSIC 

"Love Letter” was created using AI as a creative tool, with lyrics and direction shaped by the personal experiences and emotional intent of the host.

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Transcript

When The Person Grieved Is A Baby

SPEAKER_01 0:16

If someone you care about has experienced pregnancy or baby loss, knowing how to support them can feel complicated. Most of us understand what it means to grieve someone special, a relative, a mentor, a colleague, or friend. And often one of the things that helps us heal is being able to talk about that person with other people who knew them too. We say their name. We tell stories. We remember what they loved. We learn things about them from people who experienced them in a different way. And little by little those stories help us keep their memory alive. But what happens when the person being grieved was a baby? What stories do we tell when that baby was born still? How do we remember a life that ended in miscarriage? How do we talk about a baby whose story includes termination for medical reasons? How do we tell the full story of a child who died shortly after birth? Those questions can make supporters feel uncomfortable. And because people do not know what to say, they often say nothing, avoid talking about it, or make bereaved parents feel like they can't talk about their loss entirely. So today I'm talking about why giving bereaved dads safety to speak about our loss can be the most powerful way you help us learn to live with our grief.

Why Dads Need Safety To Speak

SPEAKER_01 2:08

I'm Kelly Jean-Philippe. In this episode, I'm speaking mostly to the people closest to us as bereaved dads. So that may be a family member, a friend, an employer, a co-worker, a faith leader, or someone else in our community who wants to support but may not always know how. By the end of this episode, I want you to understand why it matters so much to create safety for us to talk about our loss and grief, why emotional safety matters to us as grieving fathers, and how you can offer that kind of safety. Most of us parents living with the loss of a child want the opportunity to talk about our child. Not all the time, not with everybody, and not in every setting, but with the right person in the right moment, and when we feel safe enough, many of us want to talk. We want to say our child's name. We want you to say their name. We want you to know who our child is. We want you to understand how this child changed us, how this child changed our family, the way we see our career, our faith, our relationships, our priorities, and the things that matter now. We will often choose to talk about our child when we are given the opportunity. But a lot of times that opportunity is never really given. And that is especially true for us as bereaved dads. If you think about it, this is not that different from what parents of living children naturally do. For example, when I take my wife out on a date, we have to be intentional about not spending the whole night talking about our boys. When I see someone I haven't seen in a long time, I'm ready to pull out my phone and just start showing them pictures of my kids. There is almost no time or place where I wouldn't want to talk about my children.

The Parking Lot Moment And Silence

SPEAKER_01 4:10

The ones who are alive, though. The truth is, I'm still learning how to choose when and where I feel safe talking about the children I carry with me differently. Because when I introduce my boys to people, there are times when someone will say something like, All you need is the girl now. And for now, let's just set aside everything wrong with that statement. But in that moment, my mind starts racing. It starts running through all the different possibilities at once. Do I have the energy to tell this person that one of our miscarriages would have been my baby girl? Do I tell them that her name is Kelly Rose? Do I tell them that not having her as my living daughter is one of the biggest scars that I carry? If I do go there, do I have the energy for what comes next? Do I have the bandwidth for the follow-up question? What if they say something hurtful? What if they say something awkward? What if they look at me like I'm being too much? What if they think I'm crazy? What if a grief wave hits me right here in this random moment and I can't stop myself from getting emotional? Is this really the right time to explain how inappropriate it is to say something like that when you have no idea what my wife and I live through to get to the two boys I just introduced you to? Am I tripping? After all, we are just kind of standing here in the parking lot of this church. But then I usually decide, nah, you know what, it's not worth it. It feels like too much. So I keep my mouth shut. I swallow my reality so that the conversation can stay clean and light. I keep the moment from getting awkward. I protect the other person from having to figure out what to say next. And in doing that, I become a prisoner inside my own reality. Because sometimes silence just feels easier. Now, that's been my experience, but I know I'm not the only bereaved dad who has had to make those kinds of decisions in real time. What

What Keeps Bereaved Dads Quiet

SPEAKER_01 6:24

you may not realize as supporters is that there are already major obstacles that keep us from opening up about our loss. For one, many of us have been taught, directly or indirectly, that showing emotion is dangerous, that being vulnerable is weak, that talking about pain makes us less of a man. And depending on our social, cultural, or spiritual backgrounds, we may have learned that strength means taking it on the chin. You know, rolling with the punches, holding it together, not dwelling on the past, moving forward and staying quiet about what hurts. So after baby loss, we may already believe we're not allowed to talk about it. We may be afraid that if we open up, people will see us differently. People will think we're not strong enough. We may be afraid people won't know what to do with our grief. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. Some of us may fear that people will avoid the loss altogether because they think bringing it up will make things worse. So we don't talk about it. Some of us may fear being judged because along with our partner, we made the heartbreaking decision to end a pregnancy we both wanted after a serious medical diagnosis or poor prognosis. And because everyone in our society has strong opinions about everything, we decide it's safer to keep our mouth shut. Some of us may fear that our grief will not be taken seriously, especially after miscarriage. And unfortunately, that fear is not imagined. Even within the pregnancy and baby loss community, there can sometimes be a dismissive attitude toward miscarriage, as if it's not supposed to hurt as much as other losses. During an interview with a friend of this podcast, Sophie from the UK, she shared that after her miscarriage, someone in the lost community made a tasteless comment that implied her miscarriage was not really that big a deal. And sadly, that kind of dismissive attitude is something many of us dads experience too. We may feel it from our guy friends, our co-workers, our own family, our community, our spiritual leaders, even medical professionals. And I know that because I've experienced it myself. I've talked before about what the first OB said to my wife and me after confirming that our first pregnancy had ended in miscarriage. I was still trying to process what was happening. I didn't fully know how to feel yet because it was the first time. And then he said, Don't be surprised if the first pregnancy doesn't stick. And I remember feeling confused by how casual he said it. Before I knew how to grieve the first miscarriage, my expectations were reset by his tone. I remember thinking, well, if he's saying it's not a big deal, then maybe it's not that serious. And because that became my framework, I didn't know to look for support. I didn't even know I needed support. I didn't know that getting support for myself could have helped me better support my wife in the way she needed. So I didn't talk about it. And this is why creating emotional and psychological safety matters. Because we may already be carrying fear, shame, confusion, cultural expectations, spiritual questions, and the pressure to be strong. We may already be wondering whether our grief even counts. We may already be asking ourselves if we're even allowed to feel anything. So when you stay silent, avoid the loss, or minimize the pain, it only reinforces the belief that my grief has no place to go. But when you create safety, you give us something different. You give us permission to be open about what the loss means to us. You give us room to remember without making it awkward. You give us space to say what's in our heart without having to defend why it still matters. And believe me, that kind of support can mean more than you realize.

What Research Says About Fathers

SPEAKER_01 11:46

When I was preparing for this episode, I looked into some of the research on how pregnancy and baby loss can affect fathers. And I want to say this carefully. There's more research on fathers and postpartum depression in general than there is on fathers specifically after a miscarriage, stillbirth, termination for medical reasons, neonatal death, or infant loss. So I don't want to make the research say more than what it actually says. But what we do know still matters. Some studies estimate that one, about one in ten fathers experience depression during pregnancy or after birth. We also know that fathers can experience anxiety, stress, grief, trauma symptoms, and depression after pregnancy or baby loss. And when it comes to suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self-harm, the research on fathers is still developing, but it's clear enough to say that this is something that needs to be taken seriously. Now, I'm not saying every grieving dad is in crisis, and I'm not saying you need to hit the panic button. But I am saying, as supporters, you should not dismiss what we are carrying. Because when we don't feel safe to talk about our loss, it adds more to our sadness, our grief and stress and depression and anxiety and trauma and shame and guilt. And in some cases, thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore. This is why emotional safety matters. A lot of us aren't silent because we're fine. We're silent because we've learned that silence is safer. That our job is to support everyone else, that our grief comes second, that nobody really wants to hear about how deeply this loss affected

Disenfranchised Grief And Being Overlooked

SPEAKER_01 13:49

us. And this brings me to an important concept called disenfranchised grief. The phrase may sound academic, but the meaning is simple. Disenfranchised grief is grief that other people don't fully acknowledge, support, or make room for. In plain language, it's grief that people treat like it doesn't even matter. And as bereaved dads, we know exactly what that feels like. We know what it feels like when everyone asks about our partner, but nobody takes the time to ask us, How are you holding up? I know what it feels like when miscarriage is treated like a small disappointment instead of a real loss. I know what it feels like when people avoid it altogether. So when you create space for us to talk about our loss, you're doing more than just being kind. You're helping us feel seen. You're helping us feel less ashamed. You're helping us finally name the things that we carry quietly. And in some cases, you become part of the bridge that helps us get the support that we need. Now let me be clear. That does not mean you become our therapist or that you suddenly have to force us to start talking. And it doesn't mean you try to diagnose us either. It means you become safe enough that we don't have to hide everything from you. And if we say something that ever makes you feel concerned for our safety or someone else's safety, take that seriously. Because what's important to remember is that compassion includes taking safety seriously.

Support That Helps Us Integrate Loss

SPEAKER_01 15:34

The second reason why emotional safety matters to us is because it gives us room to figure out how to live with our loss. Like I mentioned in last week's episode, pregnancy and baby loss can shake the way we see ourselves as men. It shakes our values, our beliefs, our priorities may change, our relationships may change, our faith may change, our work may feel different, and our understanding of fatherhood may completely shift. In some ways, we're still the same person, but in other ways, we're completely changed. And now we have to figure out how to live with that change, how to be a partner after loss, how to be back at work, how to parent living children for those of us who have them, how to be around family again. How do we fit in church? How to answer ordinary questions, how to be a father to a baby who's died. And this is what integration looks like for us it's learning how to keep living while carrying love, grief, memory, responsibility all at the same time. And one way you can support that is by not taking away our option to talk about it. We want to know the option is there. We need to know that it won't get awkward if we decide to talk about it. We want to know someone can hear our story without minimizing it. And we need people who can sit with our grief without rushing towards a lesson, a silver lining, or a spiritual explanation. And even if we don't want to talk about it in that moment, the important thing is that you do not take that option away from us. Let us decide when and how. The third reason emotional safety matters to us is because when we have the right kind of support and when someone we trust keeps us accountable about that support, we become healthier and more emotionally stable men. And it enables us to be more present with our partner, to function better at work, to be better connected with our friends and our community, and to stay connected to the baby in the pregnancy we lost without feeling like we have to hide that part of ourselves. All of us have personal, social, political, and spiritual beliefs that shape how we see the world and how we interact with each other. But when you are supporting us, the focus cannot shift from what we need to what you believe. So, before showing up, it may help to ask yourself a few honest questions. Can you help support us without turning it into a debate? Can you listen without trying to fix our story? Can you care for us and the reality of what happened, even if you think you might have responded differently? Because real support means meeting us where we are, not where you wish we were, not where you think we should be, and not where your beliefs are most comfortable. It means showing up without adding shame, judgment, pressure, or distance and meeting us right there. Another

Practical Check-Ins And Grief Triggers

SPEAKER_01 19:44

thing you can do is keep checking in after the first wave of support fades. And I know that can feel uncomfortable. You may wonder, man, am I checking in too much? Does he want space? If I keep bringing it up, am I making it harder for him to move forward? And those are fair questions. But staying connected doesn't have to be complicated. And every check-in doesn't have to be heavy. Sometimes support looks like watching a game, grabbing coffee, hanging out, taking a walk, sitting outside, or simply sending a text message that lets us know we haven't faded from your priorities. Not every moment of support needs to become a deep grief conversation. And we also need spaces to be regular people again, to laugh, to chill, to hang out, to say nothing, to talk about something else, or to just be around people who are not afraid of our grief. So make room for both. Make room for the part of us that needs to grieve, and make room for the part of us that is still learning how to live again. And if you really want to take your support to the next level, be mindful of grief triggers when you can. A grief trigger is a painful reminder that can show up all of a sudden, and it often just comes out of nowhere. It may be a date, a holiday, a place, a memory, or something that seems small to everybody else. These moments can be so unpredictable because one moment we may feel okay, and then suddenly it feels like we're right back in the loss. So when you can pay attention if you know an important date is coming up, if you know the anniversary of the loss is near, if a meaningful holiday is approaching, check in. And those check-ins don't have to be dramatic, they don't have to be long, they just need to be thoughtful. That kind of support goes a long way. And sometimes that simple reminder alone can help us feel like we can survive the difficult moment that

How To Connect And Ongoing Support

SPEAKER_01 22:02

we're in. So as you leave this episode, remember that creating emotional safety for us as bereaved dads is way more impactful than anything you can say or do. If you've been supporting a bereaved dad and know he can benefit from additional support, I'd like to connect with you and him to explore how we could add more layers of support alongside what you've already been doing. You can email me at Kelly at dadalways.com or visit the Dad Always website to schedule a virtual check-in. I also host a monthly peer support group called Black Dads in Loss in collaboration with Postpartum Support International or PSI, which you can sign up for on the website or at postpartum.net. A few episodes ago, I talked about the possibility of hosting a second group through PSI for not just Black Dads. Well, thanks to PSI's commitment, that group is now open for registration. So you can sign up on dadalways.com or by searching dads in loss on the PSI website at postpartum.net. Please don't forget to follow the podcast and help somebody else discover it by writing a review wherever you stream it. And also share it with someone else who could benefit from it like you have. Thank you for listening until next time.