The Loving Truth

We're Fine!

• Sharon Pope • Episode 112

Share episode

You’ve just told your partner how you’re feeling disconnected and unhappy… and they respond, “Oh, we’re just fine!” Why do we invalidate our partner’s feelings like this? (Why do we accept invalidation as enough?)

In this episode, I’ll explain how to face this communication challenge head-on.

“When one of us isn’t fine, we’re not fine as a couple.” – Sharon Pope


Struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you’re serious about finding that answer?

Book a Truth & Clarity Session with a member of my team. We’ll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there’s a fit for you and I to work together so you can make - and execute - the RIGHT decision for YOU and your marriage.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Loving Truth Podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host relationship expert and certified Master Life Coach, sharon Pope. Hello, loves, this is Sharon Pope and this is the Loving Truth. Today, we're going to talk about the concept of we're fine. We're just fine. Let's just pretend we're fine. It's like 800,000 words in the English language, but we often choose the word fine, so it's fine. So the reason we're going to talk about this is because many times we go to our partners and we try to share how we're feeling, only to be told we're fine. So maybe you shared your feelings, you know, with your spouse about how scared you are or how disconnected you feel in the relationship and you're told we're fine. Or maybe you expressed your needs inside the relationship and they were completely invalidated by your partner because he or she turned it around and said well, I'm not getting my needs met. What about me? I mean, you do the same thing to me all the time, right? So it's just an invalidation, a pushing away, if you will, of your needs, of your needs. Or maybe you go to your partner and you express you know how disconnected you're feeling and that you don't have all the answers and you're not sure what to do. But you're still in it and you want to work on it and your part, and maybe you bring up like maybe we should get a coach or maybe we should go to couples counseling or something, and you're told no, no, no, honey, we're fine, just go back into pretend land, right, you don't hear those words, but you hear we're fine.

Speaker 1:

Now you would think if your partner is coming to you telling you that there's a problem in our relationship and that could have a negative downstream impact, that you would be all ears, that you would want to hear what is the challenge that my partner's feeling so that maybe I could fix it. Because the reality is that none of us come into marriage so that either A we can be miserable or B we can get divorced. So what the heck? Why aren't we more open to hearing our partner's concerns about the relationship? So I want to talk about that. Why would your partner brush it off? Why would they just say we're fine? When you bring them really valid concerns about how you're feeling about the marriage or challenges that you're experiencing inside the marriage, like you would think that they would be. All ears wide open want to understand it. So why wouldn't they be?

Speaker 1:

Here's why, if your partner can convince you that we're fine, then you won't require anything of them, right? You won't require them to make any changes. You won't require them to face themselves, to be able to look within themselves and go, huh, maybe I could have done that better, could have done that differently. And they certainly will not have to face your feelings and maybe even apologize for making you feel a certain way from their actions and choices that they made. Right? They don't have to do any of that. If they can just convince you that we're fine, that'll make you feel better and you won't require anything of them. It's easier to convince you in that moment that we're fine than it is to go down that path of, huh, we're not fine, because if my spouse isn't fine, then we as a couple aren't fine. So now I got to roll up my sleeves, I got to dig into that a little bit. Yeah, maybe it's just easier. Let me see if I can convince her that everything's fine. So that's why your partner's doing it.

Speaker 1:

But now let's talk about why you're accepting it, if we're really being honest, the reason our partner is using that tactic of talking us out of our feelings is because it's worked before. Think about this for a second folks, everyone on this planet is just trying to get their needs met and we only do what works for us. So, if we're really honest, it's worked before and that's why they're doing it now. You've brought feelings to them before and they were able to sort of brush them away, and then they didn't have to deal with those feelings anymore. They didn't have to address the challenge, they didn't have to look at themselves, they never had to say I'm sorry, they didn't have to do anything, right, and so it was easier to just talk you out of your feelings, and it worked.

Speaker 1:

And so now, when you bring your feelings that they don't want to deal with, they're just going to use the same tactic, because they just want to get their needs met and they're only going to do what works. So, my friends, we have to stop making it work. We have to stop making that tactic work. We have to stop cosigning on this behavior that leads us to not ever talking about the challenges in our marriage, to pretending that everything's fine, just so that we don't have to deal with the hard stuff, when, if we're willing to roll up our sleeves and deal with the hard stuff, the hard stuff doesn't last as long. But when we avoid it, it doesn't magically get better, it festers. It's like an infection, right, the infection doesn't magically get better. The cancer in your body doesn't magically get better, it just worsens. You can ignore it. It's the same thing in our relationships. So if we want to have a different outcome to these kinds of challenges in our relationships, we have to stop making it work for them.

Speaker 1:

Okay, and that is through having very direct conversations with our partners. Right, we have to say, like, look, we're either going to deal with this challenge as a couple and that's going to be difficult or we're going to keep riding this slippery slope towards the land of divorce. Those are our options. So you can tell me that the way I'm feeling isn't valid and that from your perspective, we're fine, but I don't feel fine. Right, that's having direct and loving conversations. I don't feel fine. And when one of us doesn't feel fine about our marriage, we have a challenge in our marriage that we both have to address. So we're either going to address it or we're going to live in the land of pretend and I cannot tell you where that's going to land, but I don't think it's going to magically get better. So if, a year from now, we're sitting here having conversations about separation and divorce, we can both understand how we got here, because we chose to not deal with the challenges.

Speaker 1:

That's how you have direct, honest and loving conversations. You don't just get your feelings invalidated and go, oh yeah, maybe if I could just convince myself that we're fine, then I won't have to deal with this either. Right, it always takes two to tango. It takes two to do this dance. The minute you change your dance steps, your partner has to change too, but someone's got to change first, and if we keep waiting on our partner to change, well, I can already tell you how this ends. So if there's one thing that I am ninja at we all have different things that we are good at If there's something that I am good at and that I teach my clients in my programs is how to have those direct, honest, open-hearted and loving conversations.

Speaker 1:

And I say loving because we're all just trying to get our needs met, and so if you want to be heard and you want to be validated for how you're feeling well, then you have to be able to deliver that in a way that they're going to be able to receive it. But if you just want to come at them with anger and blame and rage and insults and platitudes and stuff like, they're not going to hear you right. So if you want to be heard, you actually have to be able to say it in a way that you'll be heard, that you even give yourself an opportunity to be heard. So that's why these direct conversations also need to be able to be loving, because I think it is a loving act to tell someone the truth and to sit there and be with them in that discomfort between saying what is true and not having all the answers and not knowing what to do next, or having to look at yourself and say I did that and I can do better and I'm sorry, because that's how you move through things. So if there's something I'm ninja at, it is having those direct, open, honest, loving conversations. And here's what that means. It is having those direct, open, honest, loving conversations. And here's what that means. It means no longer speaking in subtleties and assuming that they'll get what you mean.

Speaker 1:

This is where men and women often don't communicate very directly, because women, we understand subtleties, we speak in subtleties and nuances all the time, and if we're speaking to our girlfriends, we can do that and be understood, but when we're speaking to a man, we often cannot. We need to be very direct. Men speak for a purpose. Women speak to connect. Men speak directly, women speak indirectly. So if we're going to be in relationship with men, I mean we can sit around and wait for them to figure out how to communicate with women better, and that would be lovely, and I think that more men would benefit by learning how to do that. But if we want our relationships to be different, then, like always, we've got to step into it and go okay, I'm going to learn how to be more direct so that you can actually hear me and so that I can get my needs met in this relationship. Okay, that is a skill that will serve you so well, at least as long as you want to be in a heterosexual relationship.

Speaker 1:

Okay, the passive, aggressive comments, the little backbiting, the little sarcasm, that kind of stuff we're not doing. That. That's not direct and it's not loving. We assume that when we give them the silent treatment that they will understand where they went wrong, they will course correct immediately and make it all better, like if that actually happened, then the silent treatment would work. It doesn't work. It's actually one of the single highest predictors of divorce is someone who just consistently stone walls you and doesn't speak and doesn't communicate because you don't have anything to work with. Right, if you're always getting up, walking out of the room, your partner doesn't even have a partner there to be a partner with or to try to communicate with or to try to move through challenges with, because every time it gets hard you get up and leave. All because you don't have the tools to be able to be in that discomfort with the person that you should feel safest with.

Speaker 1:

And the last thing is that we're not going to just pretend. Having open, honest, direct, loving conversation means we're going to tell the truth and we're not going to pretend that everything is fine. When every bone in your body is saying things are not fine, right, one of us has to stand up and say that's not true and I'm not going to pretend anymore. So you can continue to pretend if that's what you want to do. But what I'm telling you is I'm not going to pretend anymore, so you can continue to pretend if that's what you want to do, but what I'm telling you is I'm not going to do that. So either we're going to deal with this as a couple or we're going to start this slippery slide into divorce. Because that's what's going to happen the minute that you decide.

Speaker 1:

I'm no longer going to just allow someone to invalidate my feelings. Like, as long as you go into pretend mode, neither of us have to deal with it and nothing ever really changes. So next time your partner tells you we're fine when you don't feel fine, I want you to hear my voice in the back of your head going just tell the truth. The truth is loving, the truth is kind. Tell him the truth and just say we need to be able to deal with this as a couple, and I get that you might feel fine, but I don't.

Speaker 1:

And it takes two of us to make this relationship work. So, in the same way that if you came to me and said I'm not feeling good about our marriage now, we have a marital challenge that I have to deal with, regardless of how I'm feeling about the marriage. It has to work for both of us or it does not work. So what are we going to do with that. The more you have those kinds of conversations, the more you two are going to understand each other, the easier it's going to be able to love each other and the quicker you're going to move through those really difficult and challenging conversations that we all need to have. I hope that's helpful for you.

Speaker 1:

Until next time, take really good care. Move through those really difficult and challenging conversations that we all need to have. I hope that's helpful for you. Until next time, take really good care. If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team. On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage. Go to clarityformymarriagecom to fill out an application now. That's clarityformymarriagecom.