The Loving Truth

Ask Sharon | Am I staying for the wrong reasons?

• Sharon Pope • Episode 129

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“How do I know if I’m staying for the wrong reasons?” 

This episode gives you an exclusive peek inside my membership program and a real-life coaching session with a client who says, “I love him, and we’re incredible roomates… but how can we possibly reconnect with all this resentment between us? How do I know if I’m staying for the wrong reasons?”

The thing about resentments is: We carry them with us (whether we decide to stay or leave). 

So we’ll start by dissecting the very significant resentments this client shares, and then we’ll move into questioning whether her marriage is ‘worth’ fighting for… or not.

I’ll also explain - 

  • How to reconnect as partners (not parents) 
  • How to ensure one or both of you tends to the marriage regularly
  • How to move past resentment… whether it’s for the ‘wrong’ reasons or not

*Audio shared with permission.

Struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you’re serious about finding that answer?

Book a Truth & Clarity Session with a member of my team. We’ll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there’s a fit for you and I to work together so you can make - and execute - the RIGHT decision for YOU and your marriage.

Speaker 1:

If you've ever found yourself questioning your relationship, wondering should I stay or should I go, you're not alone. Today, on the Loving Truth, I'm sharing an exclusive peek inside my membership program the Decision, which is the only way to get live coaching and support from me. You'll hear real members ask their biggest questions and I'll be coaching them through the doubts, fears and complexities of making this life-changing decision. If you've been craving clarity and guidance, this episode is for you.

Speaker 2:

Ah, hello Hi, how are you? I'm sorry, I have a little cold so.

Speaker 3:

Oh, no worries, no worries, all right. Do you want me to read what you had, or do you want to fill us in?

Speaker 2:

oh boy, um well, it kind of was my my. What I wrote probably doesn't even make much sense.

Speaker 1:

Oh no, it totally does it totally was all over the place you can go ahead and read it.

Speaker 3:

We'll read it and that'll give us a launching pad.

Speaker 2:

Okay, you can add to it anything you feel like you missed.

Speaker 3:

Okay, all right. So I was pretty close to changing to divorce differently and now I'm thinking marriage 2.0, because I really can't go anywhere and it seems he's trying a bit more. Let me rewind a bit. My in-laws both came down with COVID and now my father-in-law is on oxygen and fighting long COVID. We are chipping in our time to keep them out of the home. They need 24-hour care and I'm unemployed right now. So it's working out. I also have a chronic pain condition that is keeping me home and truthfully, it has me very scared to be on my own again.

Speaker 3:

I was super independent before I got married. I just wonder if I'm staying for all the wrong reasons or if our marriage is worth fighting for. We have been together 14 years and we'll celebrate 10 years on July 7th. Honestly, the last 14 years have been made out to be all about my stepkids and my niece and nephews. I told my husband years ago that if we didn't make time for us, that there would be no us. When the kids grow up and move out Wise words for every parent. The resentment there has grown and grown. I also wanted to have a baby and went through a ton of surgeries, doctor's appointments, shots and, in the end, after an ectopic pregnancy.

Speaker 2:

And, in the end, after an ectopic pregnancy.

Speaker 3:

It led to a complete hysterectomy two years ago. That has put a huge strain on our marriage because for one reason he did not grieve with me because it wasn't important to him. I have resentment there. I also wanted to try in vitro but needed a new truck. We couldn't finance both of them, so the truck won and I wasn't notified until he brought the truck home. Obvious resentment there. I then lost my mother pretty suddenly to lung cancer at 67. He had no idea how to be supportive and I've been going through it alone Resentment there. He knows all the things we have discussed. We have seen three marriage counselors in the past nine years and honestly, your program has done more for our marriage than any of the therapists.

Speaker 3:

I don't want to start over and I'm honestly scared. The one thing Joe is good with is my daily pain. So you take the pros with the cons right. All right, there's a few things I want to just poke around about and then we'll get to the meat of it.

Speaker 3:

So you said I just wonder if I'm staying for all the wrong reasons or if our marriage is worth fighting for. And I crossed it out and I wrote and you might be staying for what you call the wrong reasons. Wrong is the judgment. The reasons you're staying is your chronic pain, and that makes it more difficult when you're alone. I'm sure, um, and the idea of starting over again and the marriage might be worth fighting for.

Speaker 3:

Right, and you know the way I look at things is like look, we either get busy staying or we get busy going right. So, and when you take a step in any direction, you will gain some new information that will help. You know, wait a minute, wrong direction or okay, keep going. Okay, keep going. So for you, if you know that you're not going to leave, at least not right now, then I'm just of the opinion that, like, why not try to make it feel better as long as I'm here? Why be miserable, right? Because that's not going to help my chronic pain, that's not going to help me be a caregiver to my family, freaking 24 seven.

Speaker 3:

That's not going to and all the resentments that you've built up. The thing about the resentments that we carry is that we carry them and that's a heavy weight. If every one of those ways that he hurt you and you're carrying the resentment, if every one of those was five pounds, you would have like a 20 pound weight. Let's just say it sits around your neck, it's like one of those like neck huggers. Let's just say it just sits there. 20 pounds. It goes with you everywhere you go the grocery store, your in-laws house, picking up your nephew from school, I don't know but it's there with you and you're carrying it.

Speaker 3:

So whether you choose to stay or not, you want to release those resentments for you anyway. Now, that doesn't happen magically, right? I know? No Like just forgive him, it'll be fine. It doesn't work like that. So, and as long as you're going to stay, then let's try to make it feel better for you. Why not try? But what the hell do we have to lose? Because otherwise we just walk out, okay, or we live in misery. That's not a great plan. Let's not do that If the resentments weren't there. So there's. I counted one, two, three.

Speaker 2:

There's a few more that I couldn't even list.

Speaker 3:

But there's some like these are. They're not insignificant, you know. So let's say, if these resentments that you've shared, if they weren't there, how would you feel about your marriage If?

Speaker 2:

they weren't there, how would you feel about your marriage? I sometimes think it's of convenience for the two of us and I do know that we love each other. But it kind of when I met him, he had just come out of a divorce and had two young kids. My sister dealt with her demons and she had her three kids that I helped raise. So we just kind of came together with that and, like I said, we never made it about us, so it was always about doing stuff with them.

Speaker 2:

And you know him, um, to be quite honest, it's like his life has gotten better and my life has just kind of gone down the toilet. But I'm happy about that. That's what I was there for. I'm a fixer, I'm a pleaser Obviously, yeah, oh, your. I was there for. I'm a fixer, I'm a pleaser, obviously yeah, oh, your whole section, yeah, yeah. So I don't know how to feel about it. I want to feel good about it. I want to feel good Like. I want to like this is our time and we're still young, you know, we're in our forties and we can go do things, and I want to feel good. And I see marriages feel good and that's the tough part, and I see other people leave their marriages and come out happy you know what I mean?

Speaker 3:

Oh, you're always happy when you leave your marriage. Everyone will do it. You're always happy when you leave your marriage. Everyone will do it. You're always happy when you stay. Everyone will do it. Right, everyone's got their own answer and it's just. It's also the dynamic between the two of you.

Speaker 2:

Right. So there's, we have a very friendly, like I call us very good roommates. Yeah, we're very. We coexist very well. Well, okay, do you know what I mean? Does?

Speaker 2:

that make sense yeah, do you still hug and kiss? No, um. Well, we've just started that again because I tell him I need that. Like I said, I've tried to move towards you. You know, like I said, I'm going to be here for a minute because you know my in-laws need me and I don't have I'm not employed right now. Make the best of it, right. So I told him I need that and my entire marriage was without hugs and kisses, and I'm a super affectionate person was without hugs and kisses and I'm a super affectionate person, so it's almost like I get them from the kids or I get them from my dogs.

Speaker 3:

You are like, oh my God. So I just watched all of Esther Perel's. She has a course called Rekindling Desire and there's so much in that course that speaks like to this example called Rekindling Desire and there's so much in that course that speaks like to this example. Yeah, there's so much, and you know I've got to distill it down to be able to share it with you all. But there was a lot, and this is my notebook, this is my Esther notebook, so there was a lot in there about how almost everyone puts, when kids come along whether they're adopted to you or come to you or their stepkids or they're your kids like, when kids come along, um, we will. That becomes the priority and that becomes front and center. But the thing that um, that she put language to that I appreciated and let me see if I can find it super quick.

Speaker 3:

But it was like the things that we need with kids is stability and repetition and consistency, which is the exact polar opposite of of sustaining desire in the relationship. So these two things work in tension with each other and most people, for various reasons, will pour themselves into the kids and they will completely neglect the relationship. The other thing that she said is that there was no. There mostly is never anyone in charge of the relationship. Like, even if you have defined roles like where, okay, you're not going to work, I'm going to work, you're going to take care of my parents and you're going to make sure the kids have what they need, okay, who's tending to the marriage? Who's tend whose responsibility? Is it to make sure that we stay connected, because sometimes I'm so deep in the weeds with kids and parents that I can't do that. Can you do that? Can you tend to our relationship for us? Can you make sure that we stay connected? Here's what that could look like. Are you willing to take on that responsibility? And then can I appreciate your tending to that, because I don't have the bandwidth or energy or wherewithal to do it right now.

Speaker 3:

And so, because no one's paying attention to that, it feels inevitable, because sex creates babies, but babies kill sexual desire and it's such a yeah, what a conundrum we've gotten ourselves into. Um, it feels inevitable that like, oh, once you have kids, like sex life and desire and anything erotic is over. That's not really true. It's just that no one taught us that, like, hey, you better have someone tending to that, otherwise this you know, the kids need mom and dad to be happy, otherwise there is no family.

Speaker 3:

We keep prioritizing the family, but we don't prioritize us as a couple, and then the couple doesn't exist and therefore the family doesn't exist, and so everything that we thought we were working towards doesn't even exist anymore. So the basis of the family, the foundation of the house, is the two of you, and if we don't pay attention to that foundation, eventually there are cracks and there are leaks and there is shit that goes wrong. And so this idea that we shouldn't have to work at it, it should just stay the same between us all the time and we should just always desire each other the same way we always have, and we should want to prioritize each other and we should be curious about each other. All that shit that we know we should do, no one's doing. And so then we're like oh, we're so disconnected.

Speaker 3:

And when you're disconnected, by the way, you for sure don't give your partner the benefit of the doubt on anything. You for sure don't give your partner the benefit of the doubt on anything. Like you just get pissed off, right. So, for instance, you lose your mom. That's like to me, that's like a moment in truth losing a baby, losing a mom. You lost both Right and instead of going you know what, and a sister Gosh.

Speaker 2:

It's just yeah, yeah, but no, sorry. It's the women in my life that I could go to for any of this, like my older sister, my mom. I'm just like, you know, but so thank you, sharon, I'll be your girlfriend.

Speaker 3:

Um, the thing is like, though grief is a very individual thing. Everyone grieves differently, and I can't say, if I had a dollar for every time I've heard it I'd be rich, because I wouldn't be. But I might have $100 of where a woman lost a child in pregnancy with a miscarriage or something like that, and she was really, really grieving, and her husband didn't have the same emotional reaction because he wasn't yet connected to the child, but you were carrying the child in your body, like you were already connected. And also, people grieve very differently. If you take the example of and this is a generalization, but if there's a lot of men who can't access their emotions because we haven't ever really given them permission to do that, so it feels very foreign. So when there's something that comes up, they sometimes will stuff it down.

Speaker 3:

Now, women will sometimes do this too, like and maybe you had to for to be able to, like, keep putting one foot in front of the other after that much loss, but he wasn't grieving in the same way that you were, he didn't know how to support you. We think it should be intuitive and maybe for women, like you're saying, like the women in my life, they would know what to do. But if you didn't have the resentments, you might have been able to step back and just go like you know what. We do grieve differently, and he doesn't actually know how to support me, so I'm going to have to tell him what I need. A confused mind always does nothing. He didn't know what to do, so he does nothing. But then I feel alone or I make it mean he doesn't give a shit. And maybe none of those are true. Yep, right.

Speaker 2:

So Exactly what?

Speaker 3:

I thought so what is one area that you feel like okay, if we're going to work on this, sharon, help me. Help me start here, like give me an area.

Speaker 2:

Is it just spending time together again? Connection it's almost like we have to reconnect. Yes, if that makes sense Like total connection, we don't know how to just be the two of us anymore. Yeah, that make sense Totally.

Speaker 3:

Yes, okay good, rochelle knows what I'm going for, okay, so I'm going to share something with you, and I'm going to. This is a tease for all of you. Get ready. Yesterday I was in full-on creation mode and I created another course, video series, whatever for y'all. Um, and it is around going from the path of disconnection back to desire. Oh, that's the path I need. So I'm going to show you a visual, and everyone know that you will get all the details on this very soon. I may not even be able to wait till next month's teaching call. It may have to happen before then and I'll record it. So let me share this with you.

Speaker 3:

Everyone finds me in a place of disconnection, right? And then people will start asking me well, sharon, how am I? I don't even want to have sex with him. I don't desire him, I'm not attracted to him. How am I ever going to do this? I might as well just hang it up, forget it. But the problem is is that they're asking for the top of this. They want healthy sex, they want healthy desire, but they're at a place of disconnection. They don't know that there are some steps you're going to need to go through to rebuild that, to get back to a place of where you feel desire for your partner again.

Speaker 3:

So it goes through things like appreciation. That's why one of the very first tools I teach you is the buffet analogy. It doesn't mean that there's not going to be shit about your husband that drives you crazy. Of course there is Fine Whatever, but there's also a bunch of things that are really cool about them, and you get to choose what you fill your plate up with. If you fill your plate up with a whole bunch of shit you hate to eat, it will taste bad, or you can fill your plate up with things that you like. So appreciation, then you can move into respect, and respect does not mean you have to be carbon copies of each other. But respect means you have to have respect for your differences, that he grieves differently than you, that he cannot reach your mind and he may not know how to support you through grief, because maybe he's never been through it and maybe, even if he has, what he would need and what you might need might be very different things, right? So respect is then the next level.

Speaker 3:

Then there's the reprioritization of the we matter, like both of you sort of agreeing that the construct of us. Our relationship is really important and we really matter. We matter to our family because we're the foundation, but we also matter to our happiness because we got into this marriage so that we could walk along this life alongside someone. You're my someone. Congratulations, we matter, and that's when you can start making the two of you more of a priority. Then you can go into building trust or rebuilding trust. If there isn't that and that doesn't have to mean it can just mean emotional trust, like am I safe with you Then you've got to get to.

Speaker 3:

This is the part where it gets a little more fun. You need lightness, you need fun, you need something laughter, you need levity. So often people are like, oh, we need to have a date night. So then we go out to dinner. We sit across the table from each other, so it feels like a business meeting. We talk about our kids, we talk about the home, we talk about the things we have to get done. If we're really adventurous, we talk about work. Or, god forbid, we start talking about the status of our relationship and all that isn't working. Or, god forbid, we start talking about the status of our relationship and all that isn't working. That feels horrible.

Speaker 3:

So whoever wants to go on a date night, it feels like that, as opposed to let's take a cooking class together, let's go for a hike. Let's move our bodies, let's go to a comedy show, go to a wine tasting together, get together with your friends, have adult interactions with other adults, as opposed to always being with the kids. Yeah, any of this like move your body, stuff the walk, run, hike side by side, shoulder to shoulder, is easier than face to face. And you need some. You need to reconnect with fun Both of you do and if you're doing it together, then lo and behold, then you start to feel closer to your partner and then you can go to connection and communication and intimacy, which is not just sex Closeness. Then you can reach for sex.

Speaker 3:

But we got some things to do before that and all it takes is like before that, and all it takes is like you two need to make your relationship and your fun a priority and those things are not productive. So for those of you type A get it done, check the box on the big long list you will hate this. You will be so uncomfortable with this. I know this because I am that person like just doing something without it having productivity? Like taking a walk with my husband Would I ever do it without the dogs? The dogs need walk. Isn't that crazy? But like, if it's just about us and it's not about the dogs, those are my kids. If it's not about the kids, then we take a walk on the beach, you know? So look for those. Like, come up with some things that would feel good for both of you, that aren't just the same thing all the time, because no one reads the same book 200 times.

Speaker 3:

That goes for books, it goes for sex, it goes for date nights or mornings whatever it is, but build in some fun, reconnect with fun, and if it feels too scary to do it with your spouse, then at least do it for yourself and then invite your spouse along.

Speaker 2:

I've been doing it for myself for a long time. He doesn't like to hang out with my friends. I think you responded in the group one time because I go on vacation by myself, because he doesn't want to go.

Speaker 3:

Well, that's good, good for you. I'm not saying don't do that, because never hold yourself back from doing something you want to do just because it's not your partner's thing. But there has to be something for the two of you. And I think if you even sat down with him and said because imagine the difference in the reaction that you would get Look, if we don't make time for us, there's not going to be an us once these kids go off to college, that's one and what you're saying. The words are not wrong. But now imagine saying it like this the kids are important and there's nothing that you or I wouldn't do for them.

Speaker 3:

The problem is is that when we don't prioritize our relationship together, it's not doing any favors to the family, the structure of the family, and so of course, I want to feel good about our marriage, but also if we intend to keep the family intact, then you and I need to make ourselves a priority and realize that our relationship with one another really matters, because if this breaks down, a whole bunch of other shit starts breaking down. So what if? Call it once a week, I'm going to make something up? It doesn't mean it'll work for you, so just make something work for you Once a week.

Speaker 3:

Instead of you going off to work at 7am, you're going to stay home for two hours and from seven to nine kids are gone. You're not at work. You go into work late one day a week and we go for breakfast or we go for a walk, or we hike or we I don't care. We could sit in the living room and listen to music in our underwear, like it doesn't even have to be sexual, it doesn't even have to be in your underwear. We could reminisce. We could go through photo op Like I don't care, but something. Ideally you get out of the house, but you don't have to. It can be in the house, you know. So something that would feel good for the two of you, yeah, it doesn't help that we work together as well.

Speaker 2:

We did work together as well. We were together all the time and nothing to do with fun.

Speaker 3:

Right, and then even when you are out supposedly having something that is supposed to be fun, what we do is we end up talking business or shop, absolutely Right. So those things have to be off limits. There's a whole bunch more things to each of us than just our kids and our job. There are things that we are interested in. There are things we have learned about that we want to talk about or share. There are questions that we have. There are things we want to explore.

Speaker 3:

There's a bunch of things that we can talk about that has nothing to do with managing a household or managing a business, and it doesn't mean those things aren't unimportant they are, but we talk about them all the time. This is one one-hour or two-hour space. We're not going to talk about that, and we're also not going to wrestle our relationship problems to the ground. We're just going to have some fun. We're going to laugh at things on the television. At the bar that we're at, we're going to people watch and giggle about makeup stories, about what we think is going on with them.

Speaker 3:

It doesn't matter, it's just like can we just have some fun? It doesn't matter, it's just like can we just have some fun If you're moving your body. It's hard to be anxious and move your body at the same time. So whether it's dancing or hiking or running or whatever like, find anything, it doesn't even matter, just whatever would work for the two of you, but start somewhere. And I think the big thing, the big shift, is the mindset that we as a couple really fricking matter. When you can make that mindset, then you can figure out what to do. It's not the activity, it's more the mindset shift.

Speaker 2:

Right, and now that he's going through a grief I think he's more apt to just kind of give it a little more, because he's actually going through grief with his you know, his parents are older so unfortunately, the inevitable is going to happen, sooner than later, probably. So I think he understands a little bit more of what I've gone through and what it's not easy, but also, that being said, it's hard for me because I went through it all alone and he's going to have me when he goes through it. I wish I had a me when I went through it.

Speaker 3:

What could he have said to you? Like what if he imagine, after your mom passed and he came to you and said something like babe, I don't know what to do, but I know I love you and I know I want to support you. What do you need right now?

Speaker 2:

I would have just said a hug, right. So I'm pretty easy and I even I would ask him. He, he just has like he has such a lack of emotion, but he cries at movies. I don't get. It doesn't make sense, I don't know, and he's so. He's a good guy, like you know they're all good guys right like. Yeah, I know um so true.

Speaker 3:

Even when they're not, women say he's such a good guy.

Speaker 3:

So, when we don't know what to do, we are left with two options we either give you what I would need, which is never the same, or I do nothing, both of which doesn't feel good for you. I do nothing, both of which doesn't feel good for you, but and both of which probably make you feel pretty alone. So just ask. I want to support you, I want to love you right now. I know you're going through a difficult time. What do you need right now? And then keep asking, because what we need changes by the day. Sometimes it's a hug, sometimes it's like I need you to get me out of this damn house so that I can get out of my head I need.

Speaker 3:

There were times I would tell my husband I'm like you need to take me to a comedy show in the next five days or I'm going to humanly combust, because sometimes I just need to laugh. I deal with lots of heavy topics and, and sometimes it's like I just need to laugh and I don't have anything to laugh about in my life. So go, put me in front of a comedian. I like that, you know. So just ask. You know what he needs and be you know who you would have wanted and don't you know? You know this. It will feel tempting to withhold, like you're going to go through it alone Cause.

Speaker 2:

I went through it alone. Oh, gosh, you have no idea, and I'm like, I'm not that person by at all, but, gosh, I really kind of want to be, but I'm not going to be because I can't be.

Speaker 1:

So it's not who I.

Speaker 3:

It's not my nature who I am but it won't even impact him the way that it impacted you either, because he's not going to need the same thing you needed, right, and so he's not going to feel the gap of that. So all you can do is just show up and be fully you, yeah, and the more direct you can be with him, the better. So, for instance, lots of women go to their husbands and say something like I'm just not happy. But what is a man supposed to do with that? My wife isn't happy. That sucks. I think I'm supposed to make her happy. I don't really know how to do.

Speaker 3:

That Confused mind does nothing right as opposed to or we say, if we don't make space for us, there's not going to be any us in 10 years, and he's thinking, yeah, I'll deal with that in 10 years, like it's not a thing now, right? Or if we don't make space for us, our marriage will not last and we will be divorced inside of five years. Oh, now I'm paying attention, now I'm leaning it, wait a minute. So we are not going to be married in the next few years? What does that mean? How do we do that?

Speaker 3:

This means once a week, there is space for you and I Just like you wouldn't ever miss a day of work outside of being on your deathbed. You don't just not show up for work because you don't feel like it or you're too tired. You don't skip that time. That is sacred time and I don't care if you show up limping, limping along, but show up for each other. It doesn't have to be anything big, it doesn't have to be a hike up a mountain. It can be sitting around listening to old music in your underwear in the living room. I don't care. But it has to be time for you where the kids are not around.

Speaker 2:

Okay, I'm going to give that a go.

Speaker 3:

All right.

Speaker 2:

Let me know how it goes. I definitely will.

Speaker 1:

If you're feeling stuck and unsure whether to stay or go in your marriage. You don't have to figure it out alone. The best next step is to apply for a Truth and Clarity session a private conversation with a member of my team to explore what's really going on in your relationship and whether my coaching is the right fit for you. Visit clarityformymarriagecom to apply today.