The Loving Truth

Ask Sharon: When Guilt, Fear, and Finances Hold You Back

• Sharon Pope • Episode 131

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Real questions, real coaching, and real breakthroughs. 

In this episode of Ask Sharon, I invite you inside my membership program for a deep-dive into transformational relationship coaching that happened on a previously recorded live coaching call.

In this episode, one of my members details all the fear that’s coming up as she prepares to tell her husband that she’s ready for divorce. I walk her through her next move one step at a time, and we begin to list some positive intentions for the outcome of this hard conversation… and beyond. 

*Audio shared with permission.


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Speaker 1:

Making a decision about your relationship is never easy, but you don't have to do it alone Inside the Decision, the only place where I offer direct coaching. I help women just like you navigate the uncertainty of their marriage. Today, I'm opening the doors and sharing a behind-the-scenes look at a real Q&A session. In this episode you'll hear real questions, real coaching and real breakthroughs. Whether you're facing a tough decision or just seeking clarity, I hope this gives you exactly what you need to take your next step.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So I mean, I don't, you know, want to go back into education. It's just, it's, it's, yeah, I don't't, I don't want to do that, so I teach.

Speaker 3:

Though do you like to teach, but maybe not be in a school system?

Speaker 2:

yeah, yeah, and I've been tutoring now, but you know it doesn't, doesn't pay, it's not something I could live off of if I'm divorced, that's for sure okay.

Speaker 3:

So tutoring isn't necessarily the answer. It could be like supplemental income, but not like the big income.

Speaker 2:

So what are?

Speaker 3:

some other ways, like even corporations have things that are like organizational development or sales training or like there's lots of ways to and I think not in this particular call this more of a coaching call, but when I'm doing the teaching call once a month, like I'm in teacher mode, like there's lots of ways to teach, yeah yeah, corporate training, yeah. So maybe some of that might be an avenue to start looking into, because teaching I know, when you come up as an educator it's like it looks one way right like you're in a school classroom and you know you've got a certain curriculum and stuff like that do you have? Um? But it doesn't have to look that way like do you have a master's? Yeah, in history. So also look into local colleges. They're always looking for adjunct professors.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, I've put my resume and I haven't heard back from the local community colleges.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, just keep hustling, you know, yeah, and you'll find that. And then so the two of you, are you still living together today or you're separated?

Speaker 2:

No, that's a conversation that we need to have. Haven't had that conversation yet about separation, because it's what I want, but it's not what he wants and part of my guilt also is that everybody loves. He's the funny guy and I think family and friends are going to be really blindsided yeah, yeah, well, but they're not married to him.

Speaker 3:

Well, true, they get to enjoy him, like at holidays, and yeah you know? So yeah, I mean he doesn't have to be a jerk right.

Speaker 2:

Right, he's not a jerk. I mean for the most part. You know um. I have the feeling he will become a jerk once you know divorce proceedings start going through well, how you enter into that conversation makes a difference.

Speaker 3:

It doesn't into that conversation makes a difference. It doesn't guarantee, but it makes a difference. Right, if you blurt out again I want a divorce. Like that sets the tone for how things are going to unfold, where, if you said to him look, you have made changes, I've seen them.

Speaker 3:

But our disconnect, I feel like maybe it was just too wide to now try to bridge through kind actions. And you know, I, as much as I want to feel closer to you and I want to feel like, yes, this is the only, this is my person, this is the one I'm going to be with forever, I want, I wish I felt that way, because life would be so much easier. You're a great human being, but you know what we both deserve better, because you deserve to be with someone who genuinely wants to be with you and thinks you are the cat's meow. And so let's. We don't have to hate each other and no one has to be the villain in this story and we can do this well for our son and for ourselves. We're going to be in each other's lives forever, so let's not make our son navigate because you and I can't communicate as adults, like, let's do this well so that we don't put our son right in the middle of it. Okay, yeah, and that sets the tone. It doesn't mean he's not going to blow up, have a panic attack, leave, come back. We don't know how he's going to, but I promise you you're going to have a much better opportunity to have this go on a more peaceful path if you try it that way and then you sit down and be able to come together and say, okay, well, we've got some pragmatic things. We got together and say, okay, well, we've got some pragmatic things we got to figure out, because now, if we separate, we've got to support two households.

Speaker 3:

So what does that mean? What does that look like, without having an agenda about what you need it to look like or what he needs it to look like, because it's just, finances are math right. So if we could wave the magic wand, what would we want it to look like? Oh, we both live in a four bedroom house down the street from each other, like all that. And then you start backing up from it and going, okay, but what's possible? Today we have to sell this one house so that we both can have two smaller houses. Does it mean that one of us is going to move out and we're going to move into? What kind of a place? Is it a short-term lease? Is it a house? Is it an apartment? What does that look like? We've just got to go through those options, because it can look a bunch of different ways, but it can't look any way. We want it necessarily.

Speaker 2:

Right, I've been avoiding that conversation for a while. You have to have a first conversation.

Speaker 3:

First, you're using the secondary conversation of what it's going to look like and how we're going to pay for it, and all that as the means to avoid having this first conversation, which is telling him what's on your heart and mind, and he needs to know that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and he even approached me like a month ago saying when's a good time that sit and have a conversation about us? But I just started your Divorce Differently program and I told him give me some time. So I'm kind of, you know, through the first three phases and, yeah, I'm about to face that ring of fire.

Speaker 3:

I don't call it the ring of fire for nothing. Here's something I want I'll plant the seed. It's hard to wrap your mind around, like in one thing. So I feel like, but if I plant the seed and you let it grow and you water it, you put like, eventually you might be able to feel that way, which is this idea that, like, he does deserve someone who thinks he's fantastic, he wants to be with him, right, he thinks he's fantastic, he wants to be with him, right, and so he may not be willing to set himself free because he's also scared. Yeah, and he probably loves you in all the ways that he knows how to love you, okay, but that doesn't mean that you two can't come out the other side of this and both of you be in a much better position than you are today. Yeah, and both of you be in a much better position than you are today.

Speaker 3:

So the unknown is what feels so terrifying to us that we're willing to remain in this known place, right, where my wife doesn't want to have sex with me, where we're living completely separate lives. But I want that. I want to keep that. I'm willing to keep that Because I'm so terrified that what's on the other side will be worse. What if it's better? Yeah, my ex-husband is in a much better situation and he didn't want it because he too was filled with fear, because he didn't know what was ahead of him. Yeah, he's good. I'm good, like it can be better than it is right now. Right, and we both deserve that. So, if you can start to look at it not from the lens of I'm hurting him, but more like I'm doing the hard thing and setting us both free, because liberation never works one way, it works both ways.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's a good way of putting it, because that's how I feel.

Speaker 3:

And from that place then it becomes more like maybe it's a stretch to call it a compassionate thing to do, but maybe I don't have to carry all the guilt because I'm hurting this guy, who's a great guy and there's a reason. Everyone loves him, okay, but that doesn't mean that I have to remain married to him. I can still have love for him, I can still think he's an amazing person. I can think he's an amazing dad. I can even be in relationship with him, just not in my most intimate relationship with him.

Speaker 2:

Right, Right, I mean I, I would love to be, you know, one of those blended families one day, you know? But I don't know that, at least right now. I don't think he's capable of that.

Speaker 3:

Don't worry about him right now. Yeah, and let me come up with the way that I'm going to safeguard myself when I'm like you know what just show up genuinely, compassionately and authentically and be honest, but not honest like cutting honest more, just like from the heart, truthful, right, and keep encouraging him that you too can come through this beautifully, that there's many ways that you work really well together and there's no reason that that has to change, but this one piece of our relationship, it's really, it's not working for me and it doesn't make you a bad person. I'm really trying to make it, not make that I'm a bad person. I'm trying to get there. Maybe I'm not there all days, because I do feel I don't want to hurt you. This doesn't feel good and I know you're going to be hurting and, frankly, I'm hurting. See if that can kickstart a real conversation. He gets to react or respond, however, but the more you can just keep showing up with that energy of look, we can do this well and we can come out the other side of this and be happy.

Speaker 3:

There's a video in the platform that is called Parenting Through Divorce and it's under the mini teachings, but if you just type in Parenting Through Divorce. Okay, I'm writing that down. Yeah, and this is being recorded when I did an interview with two people who just handled it beautifully. She had to keep telling her husband over and over and over, and she still is telling him this. By the way, they've been divorced for three years. She still has to remind him we're still allowed to be a family. You're still dad, I'm still mom, like I get that. Other people outside of us don't understand that, because what they've seen is most of the world where I have to hate you, you have to hate me. I think you're the bad guy, I'm the horrible bitch, right, and then suffer. And so that's why so many articles are written about how children suffer through divorce because of how the parents handle it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 3:

Yeah Right. So, even if you have to say it a hundred times, it's worth it to just keep reminding him, even when he's spiraling, because what's behind the spiral is fear, yeah Right, and you keep speaking faith into him. You just keep reminding him that we're going to be okay.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 3:

We're going to be able to do this. And is it hard? Yeah, but we've done lots of hard things in this life. Yeah, and we're going to do this really well too.

Speaker 2:

Is that something I should tell my son Now? Mind you, my kids are older, like they're almost.

Speaker 3:

What's that? Way down the path? Way down the path, so you know in the divorce differently platform, and that's right.

Speaker 3:

the first step is telling your partner your decision and how to prepare for that, how to say it, and then what to do immediately after. Then you start getting into, okay, the pragmatics of what is this going to look like. Once you know what it looks like, that's when you get into telling the kids Okay, I don't, I just want you to do 10 feet at a time right now, because trying to eat the entire thing all at once, trying to consume the entire thing all at once, is what will keep you just stuck and paralyzed and not moving forward. Yeah, yes, 10 feet at a time, and you're 10 feet right now. I think write down what you want to say. Don't even share it with him. Just write it down for you and I have actually okay. Or then repeat it out loud to yourself at least once or twice a day okay, look when you're in your car, because, because writing it down, getting it out of here and putting it on paper is one thing. Getting it through these vocal cords is a whole different deal. Right, saying the words that for me, the marriage is complete, or I think our best next step is to move towards separation, that's a much different thing. So I want you practicing it, not so that it comes off flawlessly, but because you feel more comfortable that you can eke out some really hard words yeah, yeah, and that's just it. That's it. That's all you have to do right now.

Speaker 3:

Then your next 10 feet after that, after you do that, after you've practiced it and you feel comfortable, is planning for that conversation. When is it going to take place? What's going on in our lives? Is it going to be a Monday night before a big meeting? Probably not. Is it going to be a Sunday afternoon right before our kids go on holiday break? Like, what is it? You got to think through the logistics of it and go okay, when is it that we're going to have this conversation, and then you set up having that conversation.

Speaker 2:

The next conversation being what separation looks like. No, no.

Speaker 3:

The conversation being where you share what you wrote down.

Speaker 2:

Oh, okay, okay, Yep Okay.

Speaker 3:

So first, is you getting really comfortable, not really comfortable, getting more comfortable with feeling like you're prepared to have that conversation without knowing all the other answers yeah, actually having the conversation, and then he or you will want to try to get into like, oh, what does this look like and how can we afford it? And this isn't going to work and I'm not selling the house, I'm staying in the house. All that drama that comes up. Then you're like, nope, not right now. Now. Right now, okay, we want to let this sink in for us and then let's both put some thought to it about what it could look like, and then we can come back together and have a more productive conversation about that. But right now, this is a lot to handle. Yeah, especially coming to terms with that. This marriage is going to end. Let's just deal with that right now.

Speaker 2:

Okay, yeah, yeah 10 feet. Okay, I just the lizard starts talking to me and I know how he's going to react. You know, I just I don't know, maybe, maybe he will surprise me and not go from zero to 60, but I, you know, knowing him, he will surprise me and not go from zero to 60, but I you know, knowing him, you get what we expect.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, why don't we see people like what? We could go into it going, oh he's going to be a total shit show, or we can go maybe. Maybe it'll work out just fine. Yeah, I'm hoping 50 opportunity that he might soften or he might show up with anger. Okay, but it's at least a 50 50.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and it. And he's not going to be surprised and this isn't coming out of the blue, he knows yeah right, yeah, or he might do both exactly.

Speaker 3:

He might do both, yeah, and you'll do it at different times, because the roller coaster is called a roller coaster for a reason yeah, yeah right.

Speaker 3:

So, and he's allowed to have emotions. He's allowed to have feelings, and those feelings are move all the time, and so are yours, and it's part of the process. Nothing's gone wrong? Yeah, he's not. You know, like, if he's raging in your face, like that's not allowed, like no, it's not doable for that, but if he's upset, he's allowed to be upset His wife is telling him it's over, it's okay. You've got feelings about that. Yeah, true, true. And you just keep reminding him we're going to be better on the other side of this and I know you don't believe me now. Okay, I'm going to keep telling myself that and I'm going to hold that hope for both of us, because you deserve better and I deserve better. Not better people, just a better life. Yeah, right.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, right, yeah, yeah, right yeah. Anything, 10 feet at a time. What you can't do is like eat all the food you're going to eat in your entire life in one sitting. Just one meal at a time.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, okay.

Speaker 3:

Right, I hope that was helpful for you. Yeah, that reminder. Just come into the Facebook group and be like all right, remind me again how many feet at a time. Yeah, right, because you don't tell the kids and like that's the third or fourth big conversation that you have. Yeah, first, yeah hey, sharon.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, is it acceptable to write it down and share it with him first, then discuss in a conversation like, thus giving him time to process it?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yeah. I think whatever you feel like is the best way for you to do it. Like, think about it as like, ideally, we're able to have conversation. Like you, maggie, you know the energy between I'm doing this to avoid it because I'm scared to death to have the conversation which I know is not you, but I'm saying this for everyone else Like, I'm too scared to have the conversation, so I'll write it down and pass a note under the door when he's in the bathroom, like I wouldn't do it, then I would challenge it. But if you had to write it down and the only way you can get through that- conversation is to read it to him.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm going to do, or I want you to be able to process this and then let's come back together because it's a lot, and then we'll have a conversation and I want you to know I'm going to show up as loving and compassionately through this process as I can. I have no intention on hating you. I have no intention in either of us living under a bridge. I have no intention of taking our son away from you or any of that. So just put your mind to rest on that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, Well, my kids are 19 and 21.

Speaker 3:

So yeah, but you know, this is your example.

Speaker 3:

Helps lots of people, so yeah, yeah yeah so, and you could say things like I have no intention of bad mouthing you to our kids, you're a great father and the reason you would say those things, folks, is because you want to automatically calm their fears. So when you tell them this, their lizard brain is going to pop up and they're going to have lots of fears. So your fears are guilt and finances and kids. He's going to have fears of his own and maybe his fear is he's going to be the bad guy in this story and now his kids aren't going to want to have a relationship with him, or he's going to be alone forever, or um, or he's. Maybe he has financial fears. Any of that, like if you know where his brain is going to go or you have a suspicion of where his brain's going to go, you can sort of be on offense as opposed to defense. You can just yeah, I'll have.

Speaker 3:

No, I'm not going to bring the drama here. Yeah, I'm going to show up and do this as peacefully and lovingly and I as I can. It's not going to be easy and I have no intention on hating you or making you the bad guy in this yeah, okay, that's good, that's yeah, all right, that's.

Speaker 2:

That's good advice to you. Know, be proactive and say something like that, yeah.

Speaker 3:

Otherwise, we're waiting for them to lob the fear over to us and in the meantime, especially if they walk away to process and then come back Now they've got a few days of spiraling in their thoughts. Yeah, it might not even have any basis for reality, it's just their fear talking.

Speaker 2:

Right, right, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's just their fear talking Right, right, yeah yeah, finding clarity in your relationship is one of the most important journeys you'll ever take, and you don't have to do it alone. If you're ready for support and guidance, apply for a truth and clarity session. You'll speak with a member of my team who will help you explore your situation and see if working together is the right next step for you. Visit clarityformymarriagecom to apply now. We'd love to support you on this journey.