The Loving Truth

I’m Tired of Carrying This

• Sharon Pope • Episode 136

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One of the most common frustrations I hear from women: “Why do I have to lead this?”

If your marriage is struggling and you’re the one noticing the disconnect, it can feel unfair to also be the one doing the emotional heavy lifting.

But someone has to take the lead—and that someone might need to be you.

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem."

I’m sharing five clear reasons why leadership in your relationship is an act of self-respect, not self-sacrifice.

Whether your partner is unaware, in denial, or just ill-equipped to lead, this episode is a powerful call to step into your agency, not just for your marriage - but for your own peace of mind.

Struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you’re serious about finding that answer?

Book a Truth & Clarity Session with a member of my team. We’ll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there’s a fit for you and I to work together so you can make - and execute - the RIGHT decision for YOU and your marriage.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Loving Truth Podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host relationship expert and certified Master Life Coach, sharon Pope.

Speaker 2:

Hello, loves, this is Sharon Pope, and this is the Loving Truth. Today we're going to be talking about a question that I get an awful lot, which is why do I have to lead this? Why do I have to do all the work? And what they're saying is I know my marriage is struggling, but this is just another thing, sharon, that you're telling me that I have to lead, when I already do so much so for most of this podcast. Today, I am going to be speaking from the female perspective in a heterosexual relationship only because I only hear women say this. I have never once heard a man say this to me of like well, why do I have to do it? Why can't she lead the effort? I only hear it from women, and I think that's because women carry so much already inside of the structure of any marriage that they're like. This is just one more thing that I have to do, and I get it. I do so. Let's just put it out there.

Speaker 2:

The reality is is that oftentimes, the person that has the biggest challenge in the relationship, or the one that is bringing the most problems into the relationship, is often not the one that's taking responsibility for that problem, and I wish it was different. I really do. I wish that the person that was creating many of the challenges was the one that was willing to stand up and have some self-responsibility and accountability and say, yeah, you know what that's on me and I'm going to change my part in this. And now never have I ever said that it's always one person that is the problem. I just know that most people find their way to my work when their marriage is in a real struggle, to the point where they're considering should I end it or not. And they very much are in this perspective of, well, it's his fault. If he would only do this, or he would do that, or he would be different, then I would feel different about my marriage. So I'm not suggesting that it's all your husband's fault you did have a role to play in this as well but someone has to be the leader, right?

Speaker 2:

If you think about leaders and followers and how anything on this planet gets done, is you need both right? If you just have followers, then you're moving around and you're very busy, but you're not actually accomplishing a lot. However, if there's a leader and there's people that are willing to follow that leader, you can accomplish a great deal because you have someone setting the pace, someone setting that vision, and so if you want to see if the relationship can evolve to a new place, there needs to be a leader. And so in this podcast, what I'm going to suggest is that it's going to be you, and I want you to just hear me out here. Okay, but first you probably feel like you do a lot already inside the relationship and you're thinking, well, why can't he do this? I do all these A, b, c, d, you know all these other things. That's the scorekeeping part of our relationship. That isn't terribly helpful, by the way, but I do all these things. Why can't he be the leader here? And I'll follow.

Speaker 2:

There are tons of reasons why your partner can't or won't be the leader in terms of how to overcome the challenges that you're facing in your marriage today. There's a ton of them, but let's talk about a few. So, number one he or she may not think that there is a problem. They may be unaware that you're even struggling to the point that you are struggling. They might be confused about what to do. They don't know what to do, and so they're confused, and a confused mind will always do nothing. Now I call bullshit on that one all the time, by the way, especially in today's day and age right, you can ask Siri or Alexa I don't know any question on the planet how can I fix my marriage? And there's going to be an answer. So all you have to do is put forth a little bit of effort to start looking. It's not that the answers aren't available to you. There are more teachers in the relationship space than there has ever been and I've been in this space for 12 years, so there's more than there has ever been. There are answers galore, if you are willing to go looking for them, or you can stay in this state of I'm confused, I don't know what to do, kind of a cop-out. So another one would be fear, the fear of what am I going to find if I go looking at how did I contribute to where we're at in our marriage, and so they don't want to go looking for that. Or they're fearful about what those changes might mean. It might mean a lot of discomfort. It might mean doing things differently than I've ever done them before, and so that can create a lot of fear inside of someone. Or it could just be simple denial of there's no problem here. You're imagining it, we're fine, you're crazy, whatever. Like maybe they're just in denial about the challenges that are going on in your relationship.

Speaker 2:

Now when it comes to men and women, and this is a generalization. Relationship. Now when it comes to men and women, and this is a generalization. So this is not 100% true 100% of the time. Okay, but women in general are the caretakers of the relationship. They notice when things have gone astray much more quickly than men do, and I think that that is a result of when women think about what are the most important things in their life that contribute to their wellbeing and their happiness, the health of their relationships is really at the top of that priority list. But if you think about what's at the top of a man's priority list, it's usually not relationships. There's usually something related to success or career or money. That's sort of at the top of that hierarchy for them. Again, that's not true 100% of the time, and it doesn't mean relationships are unimportant to men. It just means that for women, they're kind of the top of the hierarchy for the most part.

Speaker 2:

So here's what I would tell you women, ladies, this is not his strong suit Having the relationship skills to pull you out of a place of real dysfunction inside the relationship. This is not where he shines. And so imagine if he wasn't good at managing money and before you met him he had declared bankruptcy three times, and you still decided to marry him. But would you put him in charge of the finances for the family? No, of course you wouldn't, because it doesn't make sense. This isn't a strong suit for him, this isn't a natural skill for him. So why would you put him in charge of the relationship if it's not his strong suit? Now there's also a lack of knowledge. Now, just like no one taught you how to create and sustain loving, connected relationships for you know, I don't know six decades no one taught him how to do this either. But women are pretty good at relationships. We have tons of different kinds of relationships. Men don't have as many different types of relationships, so they just don't quite have the skill set that women do in the area of relationships, at least not yet.

Speaker 2:

Now. All that being said, more and more men are stepping up and seeking answers. I think it's out of necessity, because two-thirds of the time now, it's the woman that is asking for the divorce. So men are having to get equipped to do relationships differently in order to be successful at love and marriage. So here's the reality. We could sit back and say you know what. You're right, you already do so much. You should not have to lead another thing. I get it and we can wait for your partner to pick up that ball and run with it. The problem is, we might just be waiting forever, and I don't want that for you. It just keeps you stuck in this place, or we know how it ends. We know that this marriage is just going to blow up, fizzle out and it's going to end if we just do nothing and we keep waiting for our partner.

Speaker 2:

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you five reasons that I hope, by the end of this, will convince you that you should be the leader of this effort to lead you, as a couple, out of this really dangerous place inside your relationship today, where things don't feel very good. All right. So the first one, the first reason, is you should lead this because you're the one that is experiencing the negative effects of it. So, whatever it is that's going on inside your relationship, right, whatever it is, it's causing you pain, it's causing you some degree of heartache. It's causing you to not feel happy, maybe in your life, but certainly in your marriage. So it's impacting you and the quality of your life. So that's a pretty good reason for you to be the one to lead this effort.

Speaker 2:

The second reason why you should lead this effort is if you are listening to my podcast on any kind of a regular basis. I'm going to tell you you are already more equipped than someone who doesn't listen to any relationship podcast, has never heard of Sharon Pope, has never read a relationship book in their life. Like, even if you only did 3% of all the things that I teach and you only did it 3 percent of like a hundred percent effort you gave it three percent effort on three percent of the tools that I teach you're still more equipped than the average bear to lead this effort. It's something. Your toolbox has a few more tools in it. If we had a toolbox with almost nothing in it and we had a toolbox with a hammer, some nails, a screwdriver and some screws, wouldn't you agree with me that at least we should take the toolkit that has the hammer, the nails, the screw and screwdriver? Like, shouldn't we at least get that? Yeah, of course we should. So you're already more equipped than your partner probably is.

Speaker 2:

The third reason why you should lead this effort is that it's not all about your partner. It's not all about him, right? You have a role that was played in terms of how the two of you got to this place in your marriage, this place of disconnection inside your relationship, and so how you show up inside this marriage helped contribute to where you're at, and this isn't just all about him. This is about who you want to be and how you want to show up in your life. This is about the woman and the wife and the mother that you want to be, so that when you look in the mirror, you're proud of who you are and you're proud of how you're showing up. I mean, you can be the person who is self-aware and takes responsibility for their choices and their actions and their decisions, or you can be the victim in your life. Woe is me. Things just happen to me and they're always bad. I don't have any control or any power in my life. Like that's always going to feel horrible. I promise you that's not who you want to be, right?

Speaker 2:

So this is about not playing the victim, but instead being the leader for your own life, because I know it can feel tricky to say, well, so you want me to lead this effort for the collective, us or on behalf of him, and that doesn't feel good. If that doesn't feel good, that's okay. Switch it. Make it mean that I'm leading this. I'm going to lead this effort to see if we can evolve this relationship to a new place or not, because I'm going to lead my own life. I'm going to be an active participant in my own life. I'm doing it for me, right? That's always going to feel better If I can't get to a place of where doing it for us, the collective us, the couple, if that doesn't feel good, or doing it for our family, if that doesn't feel good. If you can't get there, do it for you. I bet you can get to a place of where that would feel good. Okay, so this is about who you want to be and how you want to show up, and you owning your role in the creation of your experience and not playing the victim in your life.

Speaker 2:

Number four is one person truly can make a difference. You only need one person to be in a grounded, stable place in order to shift the dynamic inside the relationship. I'll tell you a quick story. So it was about six weeks ago now where D had come to me and he was pretty upset about something and he had a lot of emotion about it and he had a lot of things he wanted to tell me. And my first go-to, my first inclination, was to sort of minimize it, because I felt I didn't feel nearly as strongly about the situation as he did. I knew that I was probably in the wrong and I was, but I didn't feel as strongly as he did.

Speaker 2:

And here's what was interesting is that in that moment I had the presence of mind Well, he's got a lot of emotion and he's really upset. I had the presence of mind to just sort of pump the brakes and be like this is not the time for me to talk, this is the time for me to listen. That's what I said to myself. And so we sat there on the couch and he said all the things that he needed to say and I asked questions to just kind of dig around in it to make sure I understand, or understood what he was feeling and why he was feeling that way. I asked him a question. At the end I was like do you feel like you've said everything that you want to say on this topic, or is there more? And there was more. I let him just empty himself and when he was all done and I said okay, so does that feel complete for you? Do you feel like you've been able to share everything that you want to share with me on this topic? So I was able to really hear him and then I validated his experience. I offered a genuine apology and a path forward.

Speaker 2:

It changed the entire dynamic. Now think about, had I just gone to a habitual response of, oh, it's not that bad, it's not that big of a deal, he would have just kept pushing back harder and harder. Yes, it is a big deal, yes, it is important All of that kind of stuff and this could have done damage to our marriage. That could have lasted weeks or months or years, I don't know. But it only takes one person. You need one adult in the room at any given time and sometimes it's me, sometimes it's Derek, because sometimes I can get twisted up about something and he's able to remain really, really level-headed. It only takes one of you at any given time to shift that dynamic and be able to move through difficulties in a really productive way. So one person can make a difference. And I think sometimes we underestimate that. We think nope, we've both got to be working on it in the exact same way at the exact same time. If we wait for that, it's like waiting for the stars to align right. So one person can lead it and one person can make an enormous difference inside the relationship.

Speaker 2:

Now reason number five on why you should lead this effort. And that's because if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. And you know, let's say that maybe your partner is over drinking or something like that. Maybe your partner is over drinking or something like that. So at least, if you're the one that's leading this effort and you're the one willing to have these really difficult conversations, at least you're not an active participant in your partner's demise. Or if we just, maybe you've checked out of the relationship and you just have stopped leaning in and now you're so disconnected over the course of the last several years. Well, if you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the problem because you're a passive participant in the destruction of your marriage. It's just slowly eroding and you're not doing anything to interrupt that slow erosion. So you are, in fact, part of the problem, if you're not part of the solution, all right.

Speaker 2:

So those are the five reasons why I think, first of all, someone has to lead it, and I think it should be you. Look, I know that it's hard and that's why you don't want to do it, and you're already doing lots of hard things. I know, I know that it's hard and that's why you don't want to do it and you're already doing lots of hard things. I know, I know. But the reason why change is hard is also the same reason why we want the other person to be the one to do it. Like it's hard, so I don't want to do it. I want them to do it. It would be so much easier if they would just change. If they would change, then I would get to feel the way I want to feel and I won't have to do the hard thing. But how's that working? Because you're trying to get him to change so that you can feel better, and he's trying to get you to change so that he'll feel better. And that's why because change is hard, we want someone else to do it.

Speaker 2:

But someone has to lead. We can't both be followers. We're not going to get anywhere. We're just going to be stumbling around, bumping into each other and not really making any productive process progress. But if one of you steps up and says I'm going to lead this effort, I'm going to lead my life and, in the process, lead this effort to see can this relationship evolve to a new place, or is the only answer to release it? And if that's the answer, then how do I do that in the most loving and peaceful way possible? So why should you lead this? Because you're the one that wants change. Why not you? Maybe that's a better question. Until next time, take good care.

Speaker 1:

If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a Truth and Clarity session with a member of my team. On the call. We'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage. Go to clarityformymarriagecom to fill out an application now. That's clarityformymarriagecom.