The Loving Truth

Ask Sharon: Married to a Man Child

• Sharon Pope • Episode 137

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Does it feel like you’re doing it all - managing the home, the kids, the emotional labor - and your partner is just along for the ride?

I'm sharing real coaching from inside my membership where one woman asks whether she can ever regain respect for her husband after years of doing everything herself.

We talk about what happens when we over-function in our marriages, how that invites our partners to under-function, and why judging them never gets us the connection we truly want.

You can’t judge someone and love them at the same time—and there’s no path to a happy marriage from that place.

I’ll walk you through the mindset shifts that can change the dynamic entirely, starting with getting back into your business.

“He gets to choose what kind of man, husband, and father he wants to be—and I’m going to stop trying to control that.”

Struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you’re serious about finding that answer?

Book a Truth & Clarity Session with a member of my team. We’ll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there’s a fit for you and I to work together so you can make - and execute - the RIGHT decision for YOU and your marriage.

Speaker 1:

Making a decision about your relationship is never easy, but you don't have to do it alone Inside the Decision, the only place where I offer direct coaching. I help women just like you navigate the uncertainty of their marriage. Today, I'm opening the doors and sharing a behind-the-scenes look at a real Q&A session. In this episode you'll hear real questions, real coaching and real breakthroughs. Whether you're facing a tough decision or just seeking clarity, I hope this gives you exactly what you need to take your next step.

Speaker 1:

My husband of 28 years says I talk to him like a child. I have honestly lost all respect for him as an adult, as he does not help with the kids, the house, family, etc. Nothing but his job and coaching for 23 years now. My question is is it too late to ever regain that respect? He seems to not even try to help because he knows I've always taken care of it and so it continues. Is it possible for me to treat him like an adult after decades of this? I am reminded of it daily through his inactions. I feel hopeless.

Speaker 1:

This is the story of every over-functioning woman on the planet. When we over-function inside of a relationship. By doing it all, we're not making space for an equal partner to meet us there. By doing it all, we're not making space for an equal partner to meet us there and it invites our partner to under function because you've got it all Like. I remember this is not the same thing, okay, but I was. This was God.

Speaker 1:

I was back in my thirties, so this is, I was working at Chase and I don't know. It was probably 20 years ago, it was a long time ago and I remember I was working really late and I was working really hard and I was kind of salty about it because I was over-functioning in my department. And this guy I respected him a lot and I would seek his counsel on just various things. And I must've been bitching about something you know about how I was working so hard. And he's like Sharon, you're doing this to yourself.

Speaker 1:

The company does not give a crap that you miss your husband or that you miss your son's baseball game. They do not care about your marriage. They don't care about what's happening at home. They don't care that your health is suffering or that you're not sleeping well. They do not care. What they care about is the work getting done. When the work stops getting done is when things will. Then they'll adjust, but as long as the work's getting done, they do not give a crap. Stop acting like people should give a crap.

Speaker 1:

And I was like I was all self-doubt because I didn't like that answer. But if you think about like, sometimes I just feel like images, like I'll see an image, and so when I think of over-functioning women myself included, by the way okay, I'm a self-diagnosed highly functioning woman I think of it like a tornado, like I'm just doing and I'm doing. I'm doing 28 things at once, and I think sometimes men might stand back and watch that and be like I don't even know where the on-ramp is into that and I'm not sure I want to get into that, and it seems to be operating just fine with me out here, so I'll just stay out here. That seems like a better plan. So part of that is our over-functioning and that's something that we can take accountability and responsibility for. Now the other thing I want to say is, for those of you that have been with me for a while, you know I always start to twitch when someone says he's not helping, because I'm like look, we're not in the 1950s anymore, ladies, we need to stop calling it help. That was when all things home, kids, everything was family related, was women's work and he went to work over here. So when we say you should be helping me, it implies that this is all my job and you should be helping. No, this is not helping anymore. This is you're taking responsibility and accountability for the choices that the two of you have made. You've made a choice to have children, multiple children together, which does make me go huh after the first one. If he wasn't helping, why do we keep? Why do we have a second, one or third? I don't know, but here we are. So it's not helping, it's. We chose to buy this house. We chose to put a swimming pool in the backyard. We chose to have three kids. We chose whatever you chose. This is you two coming together and taking responsibility for what you chose to create. So it's not hell. So please don't say hell. So I'm with you that, yeah, he should. He should be doing some things. However, here's where we go.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to read parts of this. My husband of 28 years says I talked to him like a child. I have honestly lost all respect for him as an adult because he does nothing to help. So I believe that when you have the thought or the belief that your husband is just another child. It is one of the most toxic thoughts you can have about your marriage. There's no path to a happy, loving, respectful marriage when you're positioning your husband as a child. So these two things are incompatible. I want to have a healthy, happy marriage and I want to keep my judgment of my husband. You cannot judge someone and love them simultaneously. There's no path from this point. I'm going to keep my judgment and I'm going to have a happy marriage. You can't get there from there. So one of these two things is going to give you are never going to have a happy marriage and you get to keep your judgment.

Speaker 1:

Or I can realize that judging other people isn't really my responsibility at all and that everyone deserves dignity and respect, particularly the man I just, you know, 28 years ago pledged my life to. That was going to. I said, said I was going to love forever. Now I'm judging forever. So we've got to back up from some of that, because the judgment is coming from. I have expectations of how he should be living, how he should be showing up. Now let me tell you why you do this. This is not. I don't know that this is true for everyone all the time, but you'll know if any like. You'll know if I say something and you're like if it feels a little prickly, you're like, oh, that rings true for me, but if you'll know if it just does not ring true for you, okay.

Speaker 1:

So one of the reasons why women will judge or shame, or blame or criticize is because this is what works to get us to change. If someone shames us, if you feel like that emotion of shame, you'll probably never do that thing again, whatever it was that caused you shame, because it's such a horrible feeling. So these are the tools that people have used on us over the years. And like, if someone says used on us over the years, and like if someone says that green shirt is the ugliest thing I've ever seen, you you'll think twice before wearing that shirt again. Like some women won't. They'll be like yeah, I like it. Who cares? Like, love it, I love it. When you've got that attitude, but most of us will be like, maybe not, maybe not today, maybe maybe another day, right? So this is what works on women. So this is what we've got in our toolbox. So when we want to see change from someone else. We pull out what's in our toolbox. It's all we've got. So it's not that you're a bad person, it's just what you've got in your toolbox and it's what would probably work on you.

Speaker 1:

It does not work on men. Men will only play a game that they feel like they can win. He doesn't feel like he can win here because there's probably this is a hunch. I don't know this for sure there's probably an element of if I give into her demands of me and her needing to control me, I have to lose some of my own self-respect. So either she's going to respect me or I have to respect me. But those two things, apparently in this controlling environment, can't coexist. So men will only play a game that they can win, and so if he can't win, he's just not going to play. He's just going to be like, yeah, I'm going to go over here where I can win, which is work, I can coach, I can work, I can bring home money and I can tell myself look, I'm doing my part. It's not like I'm not doing anything, I'm doing my part. But if I give in to her demands, he's going to probably feel like less of a man because it's not of his volition, it's not him showing up as the man and husband and father that he wants to be, it's him being an obedient puppy to his controlling life. And I promise you you don't want a puppy. I mean you don't want a puppy. I mean you might really want a puppy but you don't want that in your husband.

Speaker 1:

So in the program it's in the success path, but I don't. For those of you that are new, I don't want you to have to wait for this. There's a teaching from a woman named Byron Katie, who everyone just calls her Katie. So it's called three types of business. So I'm going to briefly describe it to you here because it'll be helpful to this conversation, because I know that this is resonating with many people.

Speaker 1:

Three types of business, every situation can only fall into one of three buckets. Let's talk about them like buckets. You can call them business buckets, lanes, whatever you want, whatever works for you In this bucket. The first one, if I'm speaking from my perspective, it's my business. The things that are in my bucket my business. So what is that? My choices, my actions, my behaviors, and because I've learned how to do this and you will all learn how to do this too is my thoughts. I can control my thoughts pretty well at this point. Usually that's my business. That's the only thing I have any control over. Okay, so if you were speaking from your perspective, what falls into my business are the things for you, your choices, actions and behaviors and, to a certain degree, depending upon where you're at in this program, your thoughts. Okay, that's my business. Then there's your business, that's the collective, everybody else. Your mother has her business, the things she can control about her experience, her choices, actions, behaviors probably not her thoughts very well, cause probably no one ever even talked to her about her thoughts. She still believes every thought she has as if it's true, like most people do. Your next door neighbor, their choices, actions, behaviors, your husband, their business is their choices, their actions, their behaviors. Okay, that's what they got control over.

Speaker 1:

And then the third bucket is god's business, and use whatever term you want the universe's business, sources, business whatever. Um, I just had a good friend. I saw one of her posts on facebook and she referred to that entity as gus, god, universe source, and I was like gus, we're gonna call him g, good, so whatever language that resonates with you. But that is the third bucket, and that's the stuff that nobody can control. I put weather in there. I put the last day I'm going to walk the planet there, which almost was last night in an Uber car, by the way, I was going to die. It was super reckless, but that's not my business. I put big things like wars in there because I'm like it feels too big for me, but it's the stuff that I feel like nobody can control.

Speaker 1:

Now, think of it like this If we use, if we extend that metaphor of like my business, your business, god's business, think of it like a house. I can't be at my house and at your house at the same time. Okay, so you cannot be over here in someone else's business and also be in your business at the same time. Your business is the only thing you have any control over, but we spend an awful lot of time in everybody else's business, don't we? And that's where we suffer that gap of when we are. The only thing we have any control over is over here. But I'm going to turn my back to that and I'm going to focus on all this shit that I can't control, which is people, circumstances, the stuff we don't like in our lives, which we all have.

Speaker 1:

So there's two tragic things that are happening when you are not in your business. Number one you're suffering, and so the teaching, what this teaching shows you is that you're actually causing your own suffering because you're trying to control the uncontrollable, and there's that gap between what your experience is and what your expectation is, and in that gap is your own suffering. But the second thing that is happening and I think it's maybe even more tragic is you are turning your back on yourself. You're not present for yourself, which is the only thing that you have any control over anyway. So you're not over here in your business minding what you can control about your life, because you're spending so much energy over here and God forbid, we go into God's business, which I like to do occasionally Like, why does it have to be 55? Damn degrees? It may, this is california. Why is it so cold here? That is some bull. Now I can walk around in my flip-flops because I'm from florida like, but I will be the only one suffering because it's 55 degrees and cold here. So that's the whole my business, your business, god business.

Speaker 1:

So the way that you can use this tool is just gently ask yourself when you find yourself suffering, and what I mean by suffering is negative emotion. I feel angst, I feel irritation, I feel anger, I feel sadness, I feel disappointment, I feel hopeless, any negative emotion. Just ask yourself whose business am I in right now? Because you're probably not in yours. Just ask yourself whose business am I in right now? Because you're probably not in yours. You're probably feeling the gap of being in someone else's business and not being able to control that. Okay, so that's the three types of business.

Speaker 1:

Now she asked another question, and this is where we're going to take it a little bit further. She says my question is is it too late to ever regain that respect? He seems to not even try to help because he knows I've always taken care of it, and so it continues. Is it possible for me to treat him like an adult after decades of this, my dear friend, is it possible for you to treat him like an adult? It is a thousand percent on you. That's your business. How you show up, whether I'm being loving or judging, that's on you.

Speaker 1:

So I think I have this feeling that, like, everyone deserves dignity and respect, from the homeless man on the street to the child who's struggling with sadness or depression or anxiety, to you know an elderly person who drives too damn slow on the freeway because they're nervous, to the man sleeping 12 inches away from you every night, like, why do we give dignity and respect to so many other people but not to our spouse? Not when they're not behaving like we think they should behave. So there's some teachings that you'll get to. They're a little bit more difficult so they're later in the program. But one of those teachings is around look as an adult.

Speaker 1:

The only benefit of being an adult versus being a kid, in my opinion, is that you get to do whatever you want to do. Here's the rep. We also get to live with the outcome of our choices. So he's going to do what he's going to do and you have choice in that about whether or not that's the kind of relationship that you want and whether or not that works for you. You have choice. You're not stranded, you're not trapped. He gets to do whatever he wants to do and he gets to live with the outcome of those choices. So it's a kind of a hard pill. Particularly for someone who likes to be in control, that's a difficult pill to swallow, but if you look at it, there's this little thing called free will. So you can not like it, but you can't change that. But it doesn't mean that you're trapped, you still have choice.

Speaker 1:

So here's what I would offer. I wrote down a little. See, this one question created a whole page of notes. I wrote down because sometimes, when you can say the words, you can see the distinction. So right now, a lot of the conversations are you're just another child I got to take care of you, never do anything around here. I don't even know why I bother. I don't know why I even need you. I could be doing this on my own, okay? Or, and, by the way, I'm going to say a bunch of things here and your ego will hate this.

Speaker 1:

So get ready. You know, darling, I've been judging you lately and it's not my place to judge you, and certainly there's no path to a happy marriage with me sitting here judging you as if you're a child. So I'm going to really work on that, because that's not helpful to our relationship. And here's the deal You're an adult, you get to do whatever you want to do, but you also get to live with the outcome of your choices. So you get to choose what kind of man, husband and father you want to be in this relationship and I'm going to stop trying to control that, because what I can control is how I'm showing up in this relationship and in my life as the woman and the wife and the mother that I want to be. So I'm going to get back over here in my lane and I'm going to focus on what I can control about my experience. We've got to figure this out and see can we create a relationship that can feel good for both of us. But right now, the way we're doing it, we just can't get there from this place. So I'm going to go back over here. I'm going to focus on what I can control, which this place. So I'm going to go back over here. I'm going to focus on what I can control, which is my me and how I'm showing up. You're going to do what you're going to do and you know the quality of all of our relationships is based on how we show up to them, how we nurture them, how we love. So I'm going to focus on what I can do. I hope you'll focus on what you can do and then let's see what happens.

Speaker 1:

What I would tell you is you've tried it this way, probably for years. Let me shame him, let me call him a child, let me treat him like a child, let me punish him by withholding my love and judge him. You've tried that for years. If it worked, I'd tell you to do it. You know it doesn't work. So try it this way for a few months and see what happens. See if actually just giving him love and respect and honesty right, because honesty is loving. It's just not when it's delivered through the lens of judgment and all that. Those are thoughts. Judgments are just thoughts, because I bet there's a lot of people that think he's a great guy. No, they're not married to him, but they also don't carry a whole bunch of expectations for him, so they just get to love him. Wouldn't it be nice to just have that job, just to love people.

Speaker 1:

And you totally get to choose whether or not the relationship functions well for you, because you can love someone and be loving towards them and still choose to not be in your most intimate relationship with them.

Speaker 1:

Some of you might need to hear that again you can be loving to someone and not choose to be in your most intimate relationship. These two things are not tied together. I don't have to hate you to end the marriage if it really is not functioning well. For me, this is the deal right. He gets to make his choices and he gets to live with the outcome of those choices. You have choice here. You're way more powerful than you're giving yourself credit. Finding clarity in your relationship is one of the most important journeys you'll ever take, and you don't have to do it alone. If you're ready for support and guidance, apply for a truth and clarity session. You'll speak with a member of my team who will help you explore your situation and see if working together is the right next step for you. Visit clarityformymarriagecom to apply now. We'd love to support you on this journey.